


Half of My Heart

by caisha



Category: Captain Swan - Fandom, Once Upon a Time (TV), ouat
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bromance, College, F/M, Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-27
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-13 22:51:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 113,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1243507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caisha/pseuds/caisha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>College AU. Emma and Neal are high school sweethearts headed straight for the fairy-tale books, taking David and Mary Margaret along with them. Killian Jones has enjoyed the group's three years in college, but as they enter senior year Emma begins complicating his once-simple life. "...that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Kitchen

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC’s Once Upon a Time’s intellectual property.

**Half of My Heart**

**"...that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time.”**

**_\- The Sweet Far Thing_ **

 

Killian woke up to a fist hitting his face, jolting his body. He shot up straight, blanket falling down to reveal his chest, which was naked - presumably from last night's events. Rubbing his hand on his face, feeling the sting and hoping it didn't bruise, he looked down at the sleeping girl - surprised she hadn't woken up at her own violence.

 

He smirked, imagining that she was quite used to exerting her violence on men, if last night was any example - he could still feel the claw marks on his back from her acrylic nails. One had popped off during the festivities, which had only made her dig harder into his skin, and had made him thrust harder into her, loving how unashamed she was at her passion. _Always refreshing,_ he thought, _a woman who takes what she wants._

 

That is what he enjoyed most about his casual flings and sexual encounters - he was much more likely to  find a woman like that, with unabashed sexual urges, in situations like last night when he was at David's bar, enjoying the band and free drinks. Knowing the bartenders did wonders on one's pocket books, Killian thought, grinning.

 

With one last glance over to the girl to check if she was still sleeping, he rolled out of bed, slipped on some flannel pants, and padded through the hallway to the bathroom he shared with David. As he got closer, he heard a man's groan and cackled despite his own blurry-headed hangover. He casually strolled into the bathroom, leaning against the sink and smirking at the obviously miserable David Nolan. He shook his head, _a bartender who can't hold his liquor._ The ladies who called him the golden boy of their group would have their reality dashed hard, seeing his pallid face and bloodshot eyes, body sitting against the tub, preparing to go round 815 with the toilet this morning.

 

"Rough night, mate?" Killian asked, voice quiet but smirk still plastered on.

 

David just blinked up at him, casually flicking off his friend of three years.

 

"Well, as you obviously have staked a claim on the bathroom this morning, I'll get started on breakfast - something nice and greasy for you." Killian waited a moment, then shoved off the counter to leave, but not before he turned around and said, "You _do_ like sardines in your eggs and bacon, right?" And with another evil grin, closed the door to the sound of another groan and more of David's night out hitting the porcelain toilet.

 

Killian walked over to their kitchen, and placed his hand on the cool granite-topped island; he loved this kitchen, as it was the primary reason he convinced them to move into the complex last year. It had clean stainless steel appliances, a deep farm sink, and his favorite - a center breakfast island made of cool black-and-red granite that conveniently hit about waist high.

 

He stretched out his naked torso on the counter, reveling in the coolness hitting his chest and his back, stretching after last night's activities. Though he loved cooking in the kitchen and having meals here with his friends, he admittedly cherished the thought of doing something far more pleasurable on the black top. He had never quite been able to do it, though; he always filed it away on his mental bucket list.

 

Shaking his head at the silly fantasy, he bent down to get a skillet for the eggs when he felt lithe hands come around his waist, pulling him into a female body. "Hey baby," she whispered in his ear. "Why didn't you wake me up? We could've had another go." She slid her hands up his still-naked chest, teasing him more than a little.

 

Placing the skillet on the counter, Killian turned around and pushed her gently against it smiling, "It was a long night, I knew you needed your rest. Now that you're up, though…" He shot her a rakish smile and a wink, "maybe we can go once more."

 

She smiled back, his good mood infectious, and she ran her fingers through his hair, leaning in to kiss him when they felt the front door slam against the wall and heard a yell, "Hey assholes, what’s going down?"

 

Killian groaned at the sound of Neal's voice and with a consoling smile to his guest, pushed off the counter and went to meet him.

 

"Hey mate, keep it down - I think Mary Margaret is still sleeping, and David is busy nursing a mighty hangover."

 

Neal scoffed, looking between Killian and the girl, leering slightly at the latter. "Hey _mate,_ how's about you put on a shirt? Pretty rich boy like you should be able to afford one of those," at that, he breezed by and jogged to the bathroom where David was still camped out.

 

He opened the door, slamming it much like the front door earlier, and David immediately glared at the unwanted noise. "What do you want, Neal?"

 

"Oh just wanted to see how my buddy was fairing in the aftermath. You really need to learn how to hold your liquor, dude. Even Killian's bang-of-the-night out drank you and she's out there slipping him a morning handjob right now."

 

David knew he was needling him, this was Neal's favorite past time - he took great pride in his ability to outdrink and outlast anyone, his greatest life achievement thus far; _perhaps forever_ , David thought with a grimace.

 

Trying to reign in his quiet anger over Neal's inconsiderate entrance, Killian took a few deep breaths as he walked over to close their front door, double checking that the wall wasn't dented by Neal's exuberance. As he closed it he caught the soft, golden form of Emma walking down the hallway -presumably to find Neal, her boyfriend.

 

He smiled brightly, anger forgotten at the idea of seeing her in the mornings - though she seemed to have put on actual clothes, he noted with a tinge of sadness. "Hey Swan, your beau is harassing your brother - might want to go rescue him." Killian winked at the stern look she gave him, "Ever wonder why you always have to chase after him like he's a lost puppy?"

 

Ignoring him, she walked into the apartment as if she owned the place. Carrying herself with severity, she walked over to the bathroom where Neal was still blathering on about the weaknesses of David's man card; when he saw her Neal instantly softened and pulled her in for a kiss. She gave in, but kept it short, feeling Killian's eyes on her.

 

"Neal, we should probably let these guys recover from last night - I need to get ready for class, let's go back upstairs." Her and Mary Margaret conveniently lived in the same building, just one floor above the guys - it was a perfect compromise for Mary and David, who wanted to be close to each other, but didn't want to break with their roommates and friends.

 

Killian, who had been listening to the conversation, decided to pipe in, "Actually, I was just about to make some breakfast - you're more than welcome to stay for that, since you'll have to eat anyway."

 

Emma glanced over at him; she had been trying to ignore his presence, and him not being fully clothed was a distraction. Her cheeks bloomed a bit, lips pursing out of discomfort for the situation. He was just so _blasé_ about his body, she didn't quite understand it and couldn't possibly ever be comfortable with him like that.

 

Neal decided to pipe in, "Oh that sounds good man, I'll take some of whatever you're making." As if the decision was closed for debate, he walked into Killian's living room and flipped on the TV, just in time for _The Price is Right._

 

It was times like these that Killian was glad for Neal's utter disinterest in cooking, or socializing really - and for the fact that the living room was mostly closed off from the kitchen. He smiled at Emma, who just nodded her acceptance of Neal's decision, before watching Killian walk into his bedroom to put on a shirt. _Wouldn't want the Swan to feel uncomfortable,_ he thought wryly.

 

 As he walked back towards the kitchen, Emma stood there watching him with a blank face. Perhaps he would take her to Vegas some time, she'd be an excellent poker player; at the thought of her with him in Vegas his steps faltered a bit, imagining all the fun they could have.

 

A throat clear tore Emma's gaze towards the brunette from last night, who was clearly feeling bereft of Killian's attention. He smiled sweetly at her, "Sorry about that lass - I'm sure you remember Swan from last night. She'll be staying for breakfast, and would you prefer pancakes or waffles?"

 

She scrunched up her face in distaste, "Ew, I don't eat carbs, and I thought your name was Emma?"

 

Emma rolled her eyes, "It is, he just refuses to call me that." At that, she turned to grab the mix from the pantry as Killian pecked the brunette on the nose and acquiesced, "Perhaps an omelet then, mm?"

 

The girl grinned at him and nodded, settling into the stool in front of the island as he moved to the refrigerator, grabbing eggs, cheese, peppers, and bacon. David would kill him if there wasn't a good pound of greasy bacon waiting for him on the other side of his hangover.

 

He whirled around, watching Swan flit about his kitchen like it was her own, grabbing mixing bowls and stealing the milk and eggs from his hands. He always loved watching her get involved in any task, her face always got so peaceful and the hard line of her lips would soften.

 

"So Swan, have a good time last night? I couldn't tell over the shrill sounds of your karaoke." He winked as she glared at him, yet he caught the smile that was there as she pulled her hair up and started mixing the pancake batter.

 

"I had a lovely time, thank you. The sixth round of shots might have done a few of us in, namely David over there." She pointed towards the bathroom with the spoon she was using to stir.

 

Killian grinned as he cracked a few eggs and started whisking them together, adding milk and a tinge of butter and spices to the liquid mixture. "Yes, you'd think he'd learn by now, but there's no stopping him once he gets going. I was amazed Mary Margaret was even able to get him in bed."

 

"I'm sure that was a good thing for you, though, seeing as how you had other things you were more focused on." She nodded toward the brunette, who was deeply engrossed in her phone - presumably catching up on texts and letting twitter know that she was at _the_ Killian Jones' apartment, and he was making her breakfast.

 

"Ah yes, she was quite determined last night - and I've never been one to deny a girl's pleasure. Unless, of course, it was all part of the fun." He winked at Emma as her mouth dropped a bit; she closed it and shook her head ruefully.

 

They had come to a bit of an understanding in the past few years, she knew his flirtations were harmless - he was like this with every girl, and unashamedly so. At first, she was quite distrusting of the charming smile and rakish good looks, but if he had won David's trust and friendship, then she eventually had to fall in line. He had never given her any reason to distrust him, or his loyalty to their friendship - fully knowing he would do anything for her or David or Mary Margaret.

 

She admired that.

 

Killian interrupted her thoughts by declaring that she positively _must_ make his pancakes Mickey Mouse shaped.

 

"I'm not making you pancakes with ears," she sputtered. He was a grown man acting like a child.

 

Killian rolled his eyes, walked over and tugged on her ponytail, "Yes you are, Swan."

 

"Why on earth would I do that? You're not that special, and it'd take longer - I have to get to school in an hour!" She set herself firmly against it and Killian thoroughly enjoyed how she always dug her heels into the ground, so stubborn - much like her brother, David.

 

He came up behind her and whispered in her ear, "Please, Emma? For me?" He leaned around slowly to catch her eyes, giving her the most pathetic puppy dog expression he could muster. Emma huffed, "Fine. Why are they so important to you, anyway?"

 

His face lit up brilliantly, unable to deny his exuberance - it was such a silly, small thing, but one that Jones was more than willing to put down in the 'win' column of the Swan v. Jones battle. "Because sometimes, you just have to embrace your spontaneous nature - and my nature was positively demanding that I had pancakes shaped like Mickey Mouse this morning; and since you volunteered your services, it was only natural I asked you!"

 

The brunette's scroll through Facebook statuses was interrupted by Emma's laughter and squeal as Killian decided to thank her for capitulating by tickling her, almost causing Emma to drop the batter. The brunette's eyes narrowed at the scene since last time she checked Killian was very much a single man and it was known that Emma was with the notorious Neal Cassidy, resident supplier of recreational meds to the University's populace. _Very curious,_ she thought.

 

"NEAL CASSIDY WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING TO MY BOYFRIEND?" Mary Margaret's usually soft voice rang out in the hallway as Neal bolted out of the bathroom again, laughing. She helped David up, who now had color back in his face and was getting ready to take a shower.

 

"Sorry M&M, commercials got boring - wanted to make sure my bro was okay!" Neal ignored her glares as he noticed Killian's girl wander back into his bedroom, presumably to get dressed. Not that he minded, _look but don't touch_ was his motto and it had served him well.

 

Back in the kitchen, Killian was finishing up the last omelet, bacon still sizzling in the pan. Emma fixed herself a plate of pancakes and settled into the barstool when he quietly placed another plate with an omelet next to her pancakes. Her eyes fluttered up to his, not quite understanding. "I know you like your omelets with pepper jack cheese and ham, hope you don't mind."

 

Emma was surprised, and quietly murmured her thanks. He was always surprising her like this, with things she liked but never asked for. She wasn't really sure how he seemed to know so much about her nuances - but she couldn't deny she enjoyed it, as she chewed on the first bite of the omelet and grinned at him in pleasure.

 

Killian was smug as he turned to transfer the bacon to one plate - probably entirely for David, knowing him. His brunette sauntered out of the room, clothes from last night on and looking remarkably fresh and gorgeous for a girl who had gone without a shower and had spent the better part of the night on her back, hair mussed up from his hands running through it.

 

He smiled and placed another omelet in front of her as she sat next to Emma. He leaned back on the counter, not quite ready to eat the pancakes he had demanded, and observed the two lovely women.

 

One with glossy blonde hair that fell in soft curls and the other with brunette hair that fell straight and short. Both truly gorgeous, yet so different. Killian kept finding his eyes lingering on Emma's fingers, so delicate - like a Princess' - and wondered why Neal hadn't slipped a ring on her heart finger yet. A gold band with a bright Sapphire, maybe - or Ruby, yes, maybe that's what she'd like; he couldn't imagine a diamond ever being enough for her - everyone has a diamond, but Swan deserved something tailored for her.

 

Killian shook his head of those thoughts, deciding they weren't worth dwelling on, and dug into his Mickey Mouse pancakes. "Do uf knu what ches remind me oof?" he asked Emma a little later, mouth full. She scrunched up her nose, and before she can respond the brunette announced she was finished and was headed out.

 

Swallowing the rest of his breakfast, Killian hopped off the counter he was sitting on and escorted her to his door, hand on the small of her back, gently guiding.

 

Emma watched under hooded eyes, trying to focus on her omelet, but failing as she heard soft giggles coming from the doorway and the distinct sound of wet lips mashing together.

 

A few minutes later, Killian came back into view, lips bright red and face flushed. "Well, she seems like quite the catch, Captain."

 

Killian scowled a bit at her nickname for him, but it was fleeting as he noted her own flushed face. "She was lovely, but I'm not in the market for an extended stay, as it were."

 

"I don't know how you can be so cavalier with their hearts." Emma quipped, obviously uncomfortable with the casual display.

 

"Ah Swan, I do not lie to them, they come home with me of their own choice, and leave with breakfast and smiles on their faces. I cannot help that I like to live in the moment. It's college, after all!" He spread his hands wide, as if that explained everything. She huffed a bit until her eyes moved up to catch his.

 

They stared at each other, not sure how much time had passed. His smile had turned into a firm line as he tried to read the emotions flitting about her face, and likewise she was trying to figure out how anyone could be so casual and open about their romances. To Emma, love and relationships were forever, and sex should only be shared within them - not with barflies who enjoyed one-offs in the evenings. Both of them deserved better than that, but that's why she didn't do the same types of things - to each their own, and she and Killian did not see eye to eye on that front. Just another reason they never got along for too long.

 

Killian just held her eyes, the silence weighing him down - not awkward, but heavy - as if it shouldn't be there, weight placed upon them like Zeus to Atlas, holding the world on his shoulders in punishment. What was Killian's crime? He felt her silence as judgment wrapping around him, and wasn't sure where he fell. And that made him nervous.

 

After a few moments, Mary Margaret and David finally arrived - both having freshly showered hair and bodies, scrounging for breakfast. Emma broke the connection to Killian and smiled at her friend and defacto brother. David had been with her since high school, her only friend until Neal came along. He had paired up with the quiet teenager, and protected her - as knights do with princesses. David was her constant, her brother, and she wouldn't have it any other way. The fact that his girlfriend of 3 years, Mary Margaret, was one of the kindest souls she had ever met, pleased her greatly. She was so grateful that he had found someone worthy of his soul.

 

"So, you feeling better David?" She asked, breaking the underlying tension from her conversation with Killian.

 

David was standing there, flicking his eyes between the two, wondering why the air around Emma and Killian was so thick. He made a shrugging motion, and replied "Oh yes, much better." His eyes sparkled a bit as he put an arm around Mary Margaret, who flushed to a bright red. Emma gave the happy couple a small smile.

 

"Enough with the gooey mushy stuff, man! It's time to eat!" Neal had clearly torn himself away from watching Drew Carey spout out numbers just in time to break the quiet moment between the four friends. Killian rolled his eyes again - he seemed to be doing that a lot with Neal lately - and waved his hand to the plate of bacon and omelets.

 

"Swan made pancakes too; mine were delicious by the way, thank you." He winked at Emma, showing his appreciation for his silly shape pancakes, but not willing to admit to their secret.

 

After the group had finished eating, Emma finally declared that it was time for her to get to class, and promptly dragged Neal out of the apartment - waving goodbye and thanking Killian for her omelet. He winked at her, "Any time, lass."

 

Mary Margaret decided she would head up to her place as well to get changed for work and kissed David goodbye, strolling out the door.

 

Once they were alone, and Killian was collecting the plates to clean up after their breakfast, David watched him quietly. "So what was all that about earlier?"

 

Killian paused a moment, his back to David. "What was what all about? The brunette? You know she was just a pick up from last night, nothing to really know." He started the water in the sink and grabbed the soap, trying to keep himself occupied, not really wanting to look at his best friend's face right now.

 

"Not about her, I'm not concerned about her. I'm talking about Emma. Is there something I should know about? I may be hungover, but I felt that tension between you two earlier. What happened?" David had his big brother pants on, despite being the same age as Emma.

 

Killian shut off the water, sighing. "There's nothing you need to worry about, mate. I was just in a good place this morning, and she was on her 'I don't like casual sex' mode. You know how those two things don't play well with each other; she can't keep her opinions from crossing her face."

 

David eyed his friend, waiting to see if he would admit to anything else. He knew Killian's relationship with Emma had always been a bit tense - for some unknown reason - since they met. "Just don't go falling for her, Jones. It's a bit late for that, she's still head over heels for Neal and happy."

 

Killian held his eyes for a minute, before dropping them and turning back to the dishes and soap.

 

"I wouldn't dream of it, mate."

 

* * *

 

 **Author's Note:** Hi everyone, this is the first story I've ever written and published, so please don't hesitate to give gentle critique. It is also not beta'd by anyone but myself, so small errors are very likely. I intend for this to be a longer story, it is outlined for around 35 chapters of similar length. It was inspired by the bromance that is Captain Charming, so expect there to be a lot of those two =)

But as always, this is a Captain Swan story at heart, and I hope you enjoy their journey as much as I will.

Thanks! Feel free to PM me here or on my tumblr - caishakalianah if you have anything to say - reviews are always appreciated!

~Caisha

 

 

 

 


	2. The Flashback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's Once Upon a Time's intellectual property.

**Half of My Heart**

**"... it was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice."**

**-** **_The Heart of Darkness_ **

**_Three Years Earlier_ **

Killian fiddled with the bags in his car as dozens of families of college freshmen pooled around him in the parking lot.  _They better not rush me,_ he thought. He didn't think it was likely, but since he was the only one moving his stuff in he wasn't sure how safe it would be. Like in that episode of  _Veronica Mars,_ only minus Piz's stupidity; chump. He was still laughing at the joke he told himself when his phone rang from inside the car.

 _Damnit, why didn't I keep it in my pocket?_  He thought as he attempted to maneuver through the passenger side to where it had fallen onto the driver's floorboard. He answered it, a bit breathless from the rush, "Hello?"

"KILLIAN! How's the move going baby bro?" Liam's voice filtered through, and he couldn't help but smile. He wasn't expecting a call from his brother, who was currently on some Navy vessel in the Atlantic.

"Hey man, it's only just begun - I haven't even made it to my room yet." Liam laughed a bit, and Killian knew he was assuming he had gotten distracted by some lovely ladies. "No Liam, not like that - it's just really crazy out here."

"I'm sure it is man, sure it is. Well hey, I'd like to take this moment to say  _I told you so,_ and you should've just bought that off-campus house to live in like I told you, but noooooooo you had to go all  _I want the experience of a true freshman_ on me and the accountant." Killian rolled his eyes, and while that was still all true - he didn't want to spend his parent's money on something like that - what he really wanted was the awful experience of freshman dorms.

He knew it was crazy - who really wants communal bathrooms and 10x10 rooms shared between two people? If he asked, any number of these kids would hop at the chance of a house all alone off of campus. Alas, he was not one of those kids - he lived too much for the adventure and experience, and there would be plenty of time in life left to experience living alone in a fancy house, whereas living as an adult in a dorm-like room would raise some concerns later on.

"I did want the experience; let's not get into this again Liam." He sighed a bit, not really wanting to get into a fight with him - he assumed Liam had pulled some strings to be able to call using their satellite phone, and wanted to keep the conversation away from tense topics.

"Course not, sorry Killian! Well, I just wanted to call and wish you good luck. Maybe you'll meet the lucky future Mrs. Jones - just think about that!" Liam started laughing, and Killian rolled his eyes - Liam knew very well that Killian fully intended to partake of the college experience, meaning lots of drinking, women, and camaraderie. Life was too short to spend all of your precious young years with just one woman. Sure, eventually he might settle down, but not until his career was well underway.  _Too many complications_ , he thought.

"Thanks man, I appreciate you calling. I know it must have been tough."

"No problem, don't worry about it. I just wish I could be there for this momentous occasion! I mean, how many times does my baby brother go to college, you know? Somebody should be there with you." Killian gave a small smile, knowing his brother was truly sad he couldn't make it - but that's how it goes when you're off on a cruiser in the middle of the ocean. Can't really flit off for a day or two.

"No worries mate! You'll get to share other experiences down the road, too."

"True true. Well, hey man I have to get going; I hope it goes smoothly and that your roommate isn't a total arse. Be safe and e-mail me soon, let me know what's happening!" Killian heard some yelling in the background, probably the other guys telling him to get off. He said his goodbyes and hung up, feeling refreshed and ready to meet his roommate.

Liam was his absolute best friend, despite being his brother and being raised by him - which can sometimes be contradictory sentiments. He knew that Liam wanted to be there, but Killian had learned long ago of the trauma that can happen when you live in the past and so didn't stress too much about it. There will be other moments that Liam would be there for, not just this one.

Killian shook off the thoughts, and readjusted the bags he was carrying before walking towards the building's double doors which thankfully were propped open. He walked up to the woman in the office that was checking everyone in, several bags slung across his body. The woman looked him up and down, appraising him and raising a perfectly manicured eyebrow before asking for his name and ID.

"Killian Jones," he said, handing her his Massachusetts's driver's license. As she reviewed it and typed it in on her computer, he looked around briefly and caught a blonde girl staring at him, her eyes slightly wider than normal. "M'lady." He added, staring back at her and bowing a bit. He caught a flush that went down to her neck and she broke contact.

"Ah, you have been assigned room 312, roommate is David Nolan. Here is a list of things to check your room for - if any are damaged or missing, note them - if you don't, and they're damaged, you pay for them so be careful." She had the stern look on her face, as if she knew exactly who she was dealing with. He smirked at her, but thanked her all the same.

As he turned around and headed to the elevator, he caught the blonde girl's eyes once more and winked invitingly. She had apparently lost all sense of wonder at that, and just rolled her eyes and turned away.

 _Oh yes,_ he thought.  _College is going to be wonderful._

* * *

When he got to the room, the door was already open and he saw another tall man like himself, this one blonde and broad shouldered -  _what is with the blondes around here?_ "Hey mate, you happen to be David?"

The guy turned around and smiled, nodding. "Yeah! I am, are you Killian?"

"In the flesh! I see you've heard of me." Killian grinned a bit, hoping he was making a good first impression. He didn't have any friends here, and Liam was always halfway across the world, in the middle of an ocean.

"Yeah man, they told me your name earlier when I checked in. I hope its okay, but I took the left side of the room - they're basically identical, but you could have a thing for sides." He stuttered a bit, clearly not wanting to offend the new roommate.

"Oh no worries man, right side is fine." At that, he started unstrapping all the bags he had carried up with him, throwing most on his bed. He cringed at the idea of a small cot, but knew it was just part of the experience. By the time all the bags were off of him - six to be exact - there was nowhere to sit, so he hopped onto the built in desk at the head of the bed.

"Don't you have anyone to help you with that stuff?" David asked, not impolitely. Most of the guys in the hallway had parents shuffling in and out of rooms, battling between hysterically nervous and overbearing. Killian noted that David asked the same question he was thinking, because David was also all alone.

"Oh no, my brother is in the Navy and he couldn't get leave for this week, so it's just me right now. I'm used to it, though." Killian shook his head, hoping that David wouldn't dwell too much on the question - it wasn't really a thing he cared enough about. He was alone; he was used to it - more of a future-only kind of guy.

"Oh okay, that's cool! My sister was up here earlier, she helped me move all this in. I'll help her, too, once she's figured out where she's supposed to be." David shook his head a bit, clearly adoring his sister. Killian hummed a bit, thinking - this explains why he was alone, but not where the lack of parents came from. He decided not to ask, knowing from experience that the situation was probably deeply personal and not at all appropriate for discussion.

"So what's the deal, what did you come to this illustrious university for?" He asked, deciding to distract himself from the thoughts in his mind.

David shuffled a bit, fiddling with the drawstring on one of his bags of clothes, "Oh, I plan to be a psychologist - maybe a psychiatrist if I can handle the medical part." He chuckled, and Killian agreed - big if, psychiatry is an intense program.

"Oh wow - big dreams, huh? What made you go that route?" Killian inquired, looking at David from that perspective. He seemed to be pretty good at listening, had a good countenance - was inviting, but didn't pry. He liked that in friends, he'd have to make an effort to keep this one around.

"Oh, my sister - foster-sister really. She had a long road, rough history, and I just think that I could focus on kids like her and help them get through the rough parts." David seemed a bit unsure about admitting this to a total stranger, but Killian didn't want him feeling ashamed so continued on with answering the question for himself.

"That seems like an excellent reason. Unfortunately, mine's a bit more self-serving - I intend to go into design - be an architect." Killian knew that the reasons for being an architect were slightly deeper, but they'd tend to open up a can of worms and he wasn't feeling up to explanations right now. He was content with the other answer - architects made lots of money.

David was putting his bedding on, and nodded. "So you like to draw, then, I assume?"

Killian hopped off the desk finally, "A bit, yeah. Nothing fancy, and always just buildings and structures." Killian started unpacking his clothes, putting them in the built-in chest of drawers.  _Guess they didn't want anything being taken out or broken,_ he thought. "So what do you like to do for fun?" He imagined that he would find out on his own, but wanted to keep the conversation ongoing. Awkward silences and all.

"I'm kind of boring in a lot of respects, most of my free time is spent with my sister Emma, but I work a full week at my father's bar, just stocking and taking orders. I'd like to bartend, but I'm not old enough yet." David shook his head, finally giving up on unpacking and threw himself on the bed as he talked. "I think it'd be a good gig, you know what they say about bartenders being proxy counselors," he added, grinning.

Killian laughed at bit, "Won't disagree with you there. So if he owns this place, can I hang out without being 21? Is there music?"

"Sure, I mean it's just a bar - you won't be able to order alcohol though." David winks, and Killian knows that exceptions could be made, depending on circumstances. "There's not really much live music, but we do have an internet juke box."

Killian hums a bit. "Interesting! Might have to look into bands, they make bars in this town what they are."

"Why, are you a musician trying to get a gig or something?"

"No, pretty strictly an art-and-design kind of guy, but I enjoy live music. I just have a feeling I'm going to end up spending a good amount of time at this bar, if it's the only place I can get into under 21." Killian pulled the desk chair out and sat down, legs straddling the back of course, because how else would he sit?

David laughs, "Slow down there man, I mean you seem pretty cool, but what makes you think you'll be there a lot?"

"Because I'm a good judge of character, and when I like something I just go with it. You seem like a good guy to hang out with, and here I am!" He gestured at the scene before him - David lounging on the bed, unpacking postponed for the conversation or maybe he was just tired.

Just then the phone rang, and David shook his head a bit at Killian's strange enthusiasm and answered, "Hey Ems, you ready for some help?"

Killian watched David talking to this foster-sister -  _what an unusual situation,_  he thought. I could've been the one with a foster-brother if Liam hadn't-

"Hey man, that was my sister Emma - I'm going to go help her move in. I'll let you get settled in, here's my number if you need something." David scribbled down 10 digits and handed the paper to Killian.

Killian thought a bit, curious about the whole situation, and spoke, "If it's okay, I'd like to offer my services - we can get done faster that way and I don't have anything else to do today."

David paused, not really expecting the offer, "Sure man, sounds good. She's just downstairs, I'm sure she won't mind."

However, he was quite sure Emma  _would_ mind - she hated meeting new people, strangers - but college was the time to branch out, and she was going to have to meet his new roommate at some point. Sometimes she just needed a small shove in the general direction. David laughed at himself, then steeled for the battle he knew was coming.

They headed downstairs and as they walked to what was presumably David's car, Killian spotted the soft-faced blonde he had played eye-footsy with earlier; as they continued walking, he noticed that they were headed straight for her. It was then that Killian realized she must be Emma. Killian had a broad grin on his face at the coincidence when David introduced him. "Hey Emma this is Killian, my roommate; he offered to help move your stuff into your room." David shifted his eyes between the two of them, obviously nervous about how she would react to the stranger.

Killian had a look of utter glee on his face, enjoying the fact that he had caught her staring at him earlier, and watched as a bit of red entered her face again. She was definitely judging him, and he - for whatever reason - was extremely entertained by that fact.

Emma was staring at the person of interest - tall, dark, and handsome; she huffed,  _add cocky to that list._ He had this ridiculous grin on his face, and the longer he kept it the more awkward it made Emma feel. Why was he smiling like that? Such a strange guy, no one smiles at strangers like that - much less her. She preferred to be the faded person in the background. She snapped out of her moment when he greeted her.

"Hey there, lass. It's good to meet you; I hear you might need some help with your things?" Killian bowed a bit, "I am at your service."

"Did you seriously just bow at me?" Emma blinked, taken aback by the strange gesture. Were they sure this guy was 18, and a freshman? He acted as if he was from the stuff upper class of the 1900s, 'old money' families. That or from Downton Abbey, whichever suited him.

Killian righted himself, his broad grin dimming a bit, "Yes I did, and I was always taught to be a gentleman - in all the old ways that truly matter. I hope I didn't offend you." He was a bit unsure by her demeanor, she could've been one of the wild feminists who saw the gesture as offensive and negative - or just really defensive since he knew she had been caught staring earlier; he only meant to show her respect and his abeyance, though. "It was not meant to mock or insult, just for respect."

Emma eyed him up and down, and opened her mouth to say something in response when David interrupted the two grumpy old people. "Well, that was a lovely chat, but I do think we need to get this stuff up to your room, Emma. Just load us up."

David and Killian snapped together like soldiers and held their arms out, somehow already falling in line with each other. Emma rolled her eyes at the scene, but started piling her bags onto them. Killian ended up carrying so many things that all she had left in her car was a soft, knit baby blanket with the name  _Emma_ scrolled in white script. Killian noted it, and also noted the fact that it hadn't been packed away - just kept out, as if she didn't trust it to be safe unless it was in her sights.

He made a mental note to ask her about it later, when she stopped looking at him like she was going to reduce him to ashes if he made her blush one more time.

They stumbled through the doors and placed the stuff on one of the dollies -  _where was this when I was moving in?_ thought Killian - and filed into the elevator. Emma pressed the number 4 when Killian quipped "Well, you two definitely don't like to be apart, huh?"

Emma scowled, "It was just a coincidence, - I chose this building because it was supposed to be the studious one."

Laughing, Killian replied, "The studious one, what on earth does that mean? If I had known, I surely would not have signed up for it."

"It's usually just for people in tougher disciplines, who prefer quiet - the dorms will have stricter rules, and you're likely to have classmates in the same major as you that also live here. At first, it was just billed as an Engineering dorm, but it kind of evolved." David supplied the answer, much to Killian's chagrin. He had been hoping for some wild hallway parties, how could he have missed this?

His thoughts were interrupted when Emma put her hand on his arm and pushed him out of the way - he had been standing in front of her door, apparently. It was just a gentle shove, but he thoroughly enjoyed the contact. Perhaps living in the  _studious_ dorm wouldn't be such a bad thing after all, he mused.

Before Emma could open the door to her dorm room, it swung open to reveal a girl with jet black hair and a pixie haircut. She smiled immediately, almost bouncing on the tips of her feet. "Oh! You must be Emma, come on in. I'm Mary Margaret. I'm so excited to meet you. Who are these guys?" She asked, waving at Killian and David, who were still standing in the hallway, watching the scene.

Killian was looking at Emma, who seemed a bit stunned by the introduction, but waved her hand at the men behind her. "This is David, my foster brother, and this is his new roommate, Killian." Both men nodded, and David looked a bit struck, his mouth open slightly. Killian pushed past him and gave him the  _what is wrong with you?_ look; David shook his head and started unpacking the dolly.

As Emma and Mary Margaret started talking - well, Mary Margaret seemed to be doing most of the talking, Killian decided to tease David a bit. "So, looks like someone is well on their way to being whipped. What's the matter, mate? Never had a girlfriend?"

David sputtered, "No, not really. She's just...really cute. Can't you tell? She seems so..perfect. Do I ask her out?" His eagerness, while amusing, was also slightly concerning to Killian. He hadn't known him all that long, but David seemed like an eager and honest guy, and Killian didn't want him to get his heart stomped on by falling too hard too fast.

However, he felt as if it was always a good friend's duty to give good advice, and let them do with it what they will. "I might wait until you've known her for 24 hours or so, but I'm not the writer of this love story - you are."

David frowned a bit, and turned around. Mary Margaret was staring at him intently as Emma had started to unpack her things. She smile shyly and David walked towards her, properly introducing himself. Killian rolled his eyes, never seeing someone get so whipped in such a short amount of time.

"Killian, can you help move those bags onto my bed?" Emma's voice made him turn; he hadn't expected her to say his name. She said it as if she had hesitated a little bit, unsure if she should get so familiar with him.

"Of course, m'lady." He bowed again, knowing it had irked her the first time - and to his pleasure she glared a bit again at it.

As he was unloading the bags off the dolly, he heard a male voice call out "Hey is that room 421?" He looked to where a guy was standing off towards the beginning of the hallway; he was a bit shorter and stockier in stature than Killian, but had an open air about him, as if you just wanted to trust him. Killian nodded, and the guy walked to the door, excusing himself as he passed Killian; as soon as Emma saw him, she grinned and leapt into his arms, kissing his face hard.

"Neal! I didn't think you were going to be here so soon!" She only had eyes for him as she broke their kiss, and as Killian continued watching their interaction, it was clear that both of them were as besotted as Mary Margaret and David were already.

He sighed, and understood now her wary reactions to his blatant cheekiness. He would have to keep that in mind for future interactions; he wasn't the type to play with a loving relationship, bad form really. He was so involved in his thoughts that he missed Emma's constant looks his way as they unpacked and as she introduced Neal to Mary Margaret. She didn't know why this stranger would still be there, unpacking her things alone for her as she chatted with her friends. He didn't have to do that, but it was almost as if he needed to keep busy; his face was set without the smile from earlier and Emma found that she missed it on his face.

Shaking her head, she asked Neal to help her finish putting her clothes away. Neal was so perfect for her - exactly what she had always needed, especially back when they met.

Once she was all unpacked, they made plans to go out that night to celebrate the last night of their freedom. David and Killian headed back to their room to finish their unpacking and it was about thirty minutes later when Killian casually asked about Neal, interrupting their conversation.

David acted surprised at his curiosity, but simply explained that Emma and Neal had been a thing since high school, and he wasn't in college - just working in one of the jewelry shops downtown as a janitor. Neal wasn't really interested in higher education, and found it a bit stifling.

Killian accepted the explanation - for now - and resolved to move on to the next best topic: Mary Margaret. "So, you two seemed to hit it off -did you actually ask her out, yet?" Killian had his grin back on his face as he watched David squirm a bit under the direct question. It seemed so unusual for a guy like David to be so quiet and a little bit unsure when it came to dating protocol.

"No, I think I will after tonight. She seems so wonderful," David sighed. Killian shook his head; David was  _definitely_  love-struck. Despite feeling like he was perhaps a bit young for those deep emotions, Killian enjoyed his roommates' happiness - hopefully, one day, they would be friends.

And maybe one day he would ask Emma why her eyes always caught his.

* * *

Back in the girls' dorm room, the two other roommates stared at each other once they were alone.  _Mary Margaret – that was a mouthful, Neal will definitely end up shortening that_ , thought Emma. She had sent him back home to get ready to go out tonight, but now she was regretting it – this silence was uncomfortable. Mary Margaret seemed to be oblivious, though, as she kept asking questions about the two men surrounding Emma. Three, now that she remembered David's new roommate. Killian – not a man she should soon forget.

"So what is it with you and David? I thought for sure he was your boyfriend, but then Neal…" Mary Margaret waved her hand a bit in a vague gesture, not sure how to go on. She was obviously trying hard to keep the conversation light but curiosity about David got the better of her. She was not as sly as she thought, and Emma grinned. This might be fun after all, living with someone who was infatuated already with her brother.

Emma smiled a bit –they did get this question a lot from people. "He's just my foster brother basically. We've known each other since I was 14, and have just been friends since - he's one of the only two people I can count on in this world right now." Her face took on a tinge of sadness, which morphed into annoyance at Mary Margaret's pity looks - or was it understanding? She wasn't really sure yet.

"Oh...well that roommate of his," Mary Margaret fanned herself a bit. "He is quite literally on fire, especially those looks he was giving you. I think the right word would be  _smoldering._ "

"Yeah, don't worry - he's just one of those love 'em and leave 'em types. I know those guys; he's  _definitely_ one of them." Emma shrugged nonchalantly, but Mary Margaret noted that she hadn't disagreed with her analysis: he  _was_ on fire, and the looks he was giving Emma were enough to bring a flush to her skin. "That's why I love Neal; he's been with me for three years and is just fantastic; David even begrudgingly likes him which is a miracle unto itself."

Mary Margaret nodded in agreement, as clearly Neal and Emma were besotted with each other. "That definitely appears to be the case, but still...Killian seems like a good guy, offering to help a stranger and all that."

Emma looked at her for a bit, mulling over her off handed remark. "I suppose only time will tell," she replied, distrust lacing her words.

* * *

**_Present Day_ **

Killian flicked a bit of residue off of his paper, lamenting the whole idea of erasers. He wished that he never had to make another mistake again, because trying to erase it was just more trouble than it was worth. Sometimes, though, his frustrations got the better of him and he stubbornly kept on sketching around the error, making the most of it. It was rare, but an interesting artistic endeavor.

One that was not, however, appreciated by his architecture and design professors. If they wanted 18th century Second Empire, then they better get 18th century Second Empire - not 21st century accidental masterpieces. He sighed a bit, leaning against the back of the stone bench in the middle of the courtyard. He always liked this vantage point, he could see several buildings including the illustrious library - with its spiraling arches and poignant literary quotes etched in its masonry.

Looking down at his most recent sketch, wondering why he couldn't get this one just right. He felt like he had been stuck on inanimate objects for too long and longed to sketch something true to life. Unfortunately, he had to finish this design before the end of today; he scoffed - it was only a week into the semester and he had to basically plan out his entire year already.  _Perks of being a fourth year,_ he thought wryly.

He heard a gaggle of people - girls, mostly - leaving one of the buildings to his right. Class must have been let out around now, and he watched the group speculatively. He enjoyed this -  _people watching,_ as they called it - and was licking his lips at one of the leggy blondes with a fancy scarf wrapped around her neck when he caught another blonde walking straight to the library doors in front of him.  _Emma._

He grinned, and watched her striding across the courtyard - no time for foolishness, clearly. He remembered earlier this morning, and licked his lips thinking of her delicious pancakes. He glanced at his sketches and the buildings around him, resigned to the fact that they were not speaking to his muse today. He made a decision and stood up, slinging his bag across his chest and followed Emma Swan into the library.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Thank you all so much for following this story, and thank you even more to those who took the time to review. Truly, I appreciate it. There won't be a lot of flashbacks in this story but I felt this one was necessary, and keep in mind that right now these are just intros to the characters - we have many chapters for them to be fully explained, including their relationships!

Again, this chapter is unbeta'd so forgive any mistakes you may see. I tried my best! =)

Chapter 3 is a doozy, and it's entirely our two favorite people - I just adore it, personally.

Until next time! You can find me on tumblr ( caishakalianah) or PM here with questions - reviews always appreciated.

~Caisha


	3. The Library

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC’s Once Upon a Time’s intellectual property.

**  
Half of My Heart**

_**"Do not be afraid; our fate** _

_**Cannot be taken from us; it is a gift."** _

_**-Dante Alighieri, The Inferno** _

"Hey Jessica, are you going to the Coyote bar tonight? They're doing free ladies night, which means body shots, heyooo." The girl raised her arms in a small twirl motion, apparently oblivious to the professor in the front.

Emma rolled her eyes at the girl's statement, wishing the clock would just move faster; she had projects and readings to do already, one week into the semester. She had a meeting with her law advisor later in the afternoon, so she had to use her time today wisely. The professor went on about the readings, but she couldn't focus with the gaggle of women in front of her. How was she supposed to focus with all those people talking at once?

All around her the classmates got up, and she took the cue to leave, tucking her laptop into her bag and walking out into the courtyard. She was lucky the library was so close, and scurried toward the double doors; Emma absolutely loved this building - it housed so much knowledge, but secretly it was gorgeous and sometimes she would just stand and look at the quotes - reading them again, even though she had done that same thing over and over for the past three years.

She sighed and went in, walking directly to the elevator and taking it to the third floor. She was supposed to pull some cases in order to study precedent or something, but she had kind of tuned out when her advisor had mentioned it; oh well, she had it written down somewhere - she was reliable in that way, at least. Tapping her foot, the elevator finally reached the third floor - it was notoriously slow, but the stairs were hidden in a darker corner of the library that she just preferred not to enter. Walking back to her little corner office, or so she loved to call it, she slung her bag on the cold wood. This was definitely the best place in the library to be, no one was ever here or bothered her if they were - plus, for some reason the chairs here were way more comfortable than the ones on the other floors.

Speaking of comfort, she decided to lounge for a bit and get her head on straight after the snooze fest of a class and the annoying women that filed out of it. She swiped her phone, punching in the security code, and saw several texts from Neal.

_How's class babe?_

_Wanna meet after?_

_Emma answer me_

Emma rolled her eyes - he knew she was in class, why was he being so overbearing recently? She typed out an explanation of  _library, then advisor meeting - sorry, love you!_

Putting her phone back on the table, she turned sideways in the chair, dangled her legs over the armrests, and closed her eyes.

* * *

Once Killian entered the library, he had to pause a moment to get his bearings. As an architecture student, most of his time was spent in the drawing labs in their own building, high at the top of the tower - isolated, but with great views. He had honestly never ventured in here before - just admired it from the outside. Having no idea where Emma had gone off to, he decided to do what any uncertain college male would do...ask the lovely little librarian - who just so happened to be eye-fucking him right now.

He smirked and walked towards her, noting her brown waves of hair and sparkling blue eyes. Quite the contrast, and lovely skin...he shook the thoughts out of his head. "Hello darling, do you know where one might find a criminal justice student? I seem to have lost him on the way inside."

Best keep it under wraps that he was looking for a female, as Killian wasn't too sure she'd be as willing to help him find her competition. Not that Emma ever had to worry, he mused - but the girl didn't know that.

She smiled, eyelashes fluttering a bit as she told him it was likely the 3rd floor, where all the legal treatises and cases were stored. He nodded his thanks, and walked away before she could give him her number.

He stepped off the elevator on the third floor, and looked around - utterly lost, no sense of his bearings. He wandered a bit, drawn to what he assumed was the northern part of the building, and caught a flash of gold hair; smiling, he noted she was curled up in some oversized study chair, he laptop bag unopened on the desk. Her phone rested on her stomach and she was clearly in the zone. He took a few moments to drink in her peacefulness, which was so rare for Emma, before interrupting.

"Well, well, well...if it isn't the Swan, relaxing."

He saw her go rigid in the chair, but kept her eyes closed. "What on earth are you doing here, Jones? I thought we had enough interaction this morning, and met our quota for the entire week."

He decided not to comment on the fact that she knew it was him just by the sound of his voice, but it did things to him nonetheless.

He tsk'd at her and shook his head, "There there, darling- no need to get snarky. I was in the courtyard attempting to fire my muse up again, to no avail. I saw you fleeing for cover in the library, and decided to take a bit of a break. Good conversation can spark inspiration, you know."

"Since when do we have good conversations? Most of the time our interactions consist of you making inappropriate comments, and me telling you to go away." Killian scoffed a bit, and plopped down in the chair opposite of her.

"You know, Swan, we have been acquaintances for three years now - I think we maybe admit to a small friendship - good conversations and all."

Emma finally opened her eyes and looked at him. She expected to see his signature cheeky look and grin, but instead was met with a far more serious staring contest as he locked her eyes. It was hard for her to blink, much less talk; but she did anyway.

"We have good a proxy-friendship, but I wouldn't say you and I are friends, Jones." At that sentence, Killian broke eye contact and she noted how uncomfortable he seemed with her statement.

"I guess you've made yourself clear then, I'll go bother someone else. Have a good day, Swan." He got up to go, and as he walked by Emma grabbed his hand.

"I'm sorry, that was rude of me. You don't have to go." She spoke softly, as if she was scared he would accept and sit back down, but also scared that he wouldn't.

Killian was shocked, not so much by her apology - she was always an honorable little thing - but by her physical contact. Her hand grasped his, firm but gentle - enough to say stay while also telling him it was okay to go. He smiled to himself at the thought of even Emma's hands being contradictory.

"Thank you, darling. Now, what are you doing in the library so early into the semester?" He still hadn't moved, so her hand was still around his and she couldn't bring herself to separate them. Emma's heart beat just a little bit faster, but she licked her lips and looked up at his question.

His stare was boring into her again, but the smile was there and negated the possible awkwardness. "I have a meeting with my law advisor, and he's having me do some case research before hand," she replied, pulling her hand away as she sat up.

"That is a bit strange for an application process, why is he doing that?" Killian clenched and unclenched the hand she had let go, shaking it a bit as if trying to wake it up from the dream it just had.

Emma shrugged, and pulled out the case number she was supposed to read up on. "No idea, but I figured it was a good idea to familiarize myself with the process of reviewing precedent now, instead of in the middle of my first semester in law school." She got up and started toward the stacks, checking the guides on the side of the rows.

"What are we looking for in particular?" Killian asked, his voice normal but close to her ear; definitely invading her personal space.

Emma jumped a bit at his proximity, but shrugged it off, "A Supreme Court case regarding anticipatory warrants, was fairly recent - just a few years ago. It's No. 04-1414 - United States vs Grubbs." She kept walking, ignoring his presence - and found the row she was looking for.

Killian made very little pretense at helping her search, as he didn't have a lot of library experience that didn't involve bodies pressed against the shelves, or noises from study rooms. Instead, he just watched her face roam the shelves, saw the way she silently spoke the words she was looking for. He smiled, sure it was subconscious, but every bit as adorable as it could possibly be- not that he would ever say that to her; it would surely gain her ire and disrupt the calm peace treaty they had right now. Ire he loved, especially with Emma, but he found himself reveling in the truce they were experiencing right then.

"Found it!" She exclaimed, surprising him with her gleefulness. He returned her smile and moved to allow her to pass, waving her back to her corner.

She dropped the book on the table, not really caring if it made a loud noise as absolutely no one was up here at the moment - too early in the semester. Adjusting her chair, she pulled out her laptop as Killian slid into the chair opposite of her again, propping his feet against the window ledge.

"Are you just going to stare at me while I work or something?" She asked, side-eyeing him.

He grinned and pulled out his sketchbook, waving it in front of her. "No lass, I'll be doing something productive - have to get the imagination going. My senior design project has to have a good foundation soon and I just don't know where to begin."

They worked in silence for awhile, Killian's charcoal pencil moving across the heavy paper as Emma's fingers typed away on her laptop, both faces set in concentration. A small set of beeps interrupted the quiet, and Emma snatched her phone, checking the message she was sure was from Neal.

_library already? Don't be so boring, lets go out later_

She sighed loudly, and didn't bother to respond; he was always making her feel guilty for the time she spent on her studies. He knew how important they were to her, but this last year it was getting worse - maybe he was scared she'd leave him once she graduated, but he just kept denying anything was wrong and it frustrated her endlessly.

Killian watched her face go from content to annoyed to sad, all within a minute of receiving the text. "What's with the change in feelings, Swan?"

Emma looked over at him, still so calm and relaxed, "It was just Neal. He's upset I'm already in the library working, he says I'm being boring. It's a common complaint he has for me lately, and sometimes it gets to me that he thinks that. He knows I love him." She shook her head, and looked cautiously back at Killian's face.

He was watching her, mulling over how best to approach what she shared. He had been offended by her "proxy-friendship" comment even if it was said in anger, and wanted to show her he could be more than that. "I'm sure Neal is just frustrated - you had all summer together, and now you're preparing to go to law school next year. He'll have to learn patience for that, maybe this year will be good practice." He cringed at the generic advice he was giving her, but it was the best he could do in the situation.

Emma looked at him, considering what he said, "Thanks, I'm sure you're right. We'll talk when I see him tonight."

At that, she resumed her typing and Killian flipped to a new page in his sketchbook. She kept looking at him from under her lashes, and he tried his best to be a gentleman and not call her out on the perusal - but internally he was positively radiating at her actions.

Emma was mulling over his advice as she worked, wondering why he was taking an interest all of a sudden. There was always a truce between them when they were alone, but with this morning and now, she wasn't sure what was going on in his head. Perhaps nostalgia, this would be the last year the five of them would be together as a group; it did make her a bit sad.

She saw him moving his hands across the paper, soft strokes combined with firm lines - she wondered what he was sketching now, and if he had his inspiration back. Looking back to her laptop, she noted that since their talk not much had been done; damn him, she thought. Always distracting me. She huffed a bit and rearranged herself in the chair as Killian smiled at her restlessness.

"Something the matter, Swan?" He asked, fingers still moving on the paper as he talked.

She snapped her head to him, annoyed that he noticed so much. Too much really. "Why are you still here, don't you have some barfly to attend to?"

Killian looked at her sharply, "No, I do not. Why do you always default to my dalliances when you're angry with me - is there nothing else you can find to hate me for?"

She broke their eye contact and look down at his hands once more. "I don't know," she whispered. "What are you drawing now?" Emma's voice was a bit stronger, and she held her hand out for the sketchbook.

Killian wasn't sure he should show her, given their last topic of conversation, but it was beginning to get harder and harder to say no to her, as if her voice was wrapping around his heart, controlling him. He sighed and handed the book over to her, deliberately brushing his fingers against hers underneath the book, causing Emma to look up at him.

"I'm supposed to be working on senior design project ideas, but I was having trouble so I thought I'd try something different to take my mind off of it and loosen up the muse." Killian watched her eyes, wondering if she would think she was his muse. Then she looked down at the sketch and confusion filled her face.

On the paper was Emma's profile - well, not really her profile - but her jawline and neck, hair falling around her shoulders. He had been watching her work and couldn't stop his fingers from moving, her jaw was soft but defined and her neck was elegant and soft. He had found himself holding his hand back to keep from brushing his fingers along her pulse points to feel her heartbeat speed up. Killian knew that letting her see the sketch was perhaps going too far, showing too much, but the way she looked at him...he could deny her nothing at this point.

Emma finally moved her eyes from the sketch, catching him deep in thought. "Since when did my neck become a building structure?" Raising her eyebrows at him - she knew she had to keep the situation light, as the charged looks he was giving her made her feel heavy again.

Killian took the cue, and smiled a bit, shrugging. "It was either that or draw the stacks. I can't help it if I find a lady more intriguing." He winked at her, and the heaviness was gone.

She handed the book back to him, explaining that she had to finish the notes. He held the book in his lap and looked out the window. It had been like this for three years - a continuous back and forth, Emma never trying to see past the other women he had been with, never trying to see him as anything more than an acquaintance - a proxy-friend, he thought with derision.

He wondered if she would ever get past that Halloween, if she would ever look at anyone else the way she looked at Neal, wondered if she would ever see the path that was open to her, if she was even willing to step onto it if she ever saw it.

They had a year. One more year. Sure, they might know each other for longer, but this is the last year they would ever be in close proximity for more than a few days. He found his chest ached at the thought of separating from her. During the last few years, he always knew she'd be with Neal, but since she was always in his presence either way the thought never bothered him too much.

It bothered him now.

He was never one to live in the past, always looking for the future; but now, Killian saw his future - one of casual holiday conversations and forgotten birthdays, of once a year meet ups until they became once every couple of years - and knew that he would end up regretting this one thing. Never fighting for her, never challenging her to see beyond what existed at the moment.

So caught up was he in the moment that he missed her packing up, until she cleared her throat. "I'm headed out, Jones."

He looked up at her, and grabbed her hand as she moved to walk away, still not saying anything; Emma froze and looked down as he brought her hand up and kissed it. She could feel the slight tickle of his scruff, but more importantly she could feel how soft his lips were, how they lingered for a few seconds before he pulled them away.

"You could never be boring, Swan." At that, he raised his eyes and locked with hers for a moment, watching her reaction and wondering if she would make the connection to Neal's earlier comments.

Emma caught her breath at his statement. So quiet, but so firm - as if he needed to say much more, but held back and instead put all his intentions behind that one sentence. She wanted to break the bubble, wanted it more than anything, as she hated being at the center of something, and his eyes were only on her.

"I...I have to go. My meeting…" she trailed off, hating that she couldn't seem to get her bearings straight.

Killian nodded, getting up and slipping his bag around him once more. "I'll walk you out, lass. Make sure you don't get into any trouble."

His mind told him to take it easy, as she was clearly already pressed against her comfort zone and he was definitely stepping out of line. In the quiet of this library, though, he couldn't seem to stop himself from placing his hand on the small of her back as they walked to the elevator. Neither of them said anything about it, nor did she move away from the gesture. They seemed to have met a calm truce once more, neither one willing to break the silence.

As they entered the elevator, he took his hand away from her back and they looked at each other. He hit the button to take them to the lobby, and his hand reached up to brush some of her golden locks back and run his finger down her neck; softly, as if he might never get another chance.

He took his hand away and smiled at her, "Have a good day, Emma."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Let me know what you think! I adore writing these two together, but it's a long road and we're starting out fairly smooth...

Thank you to colinodonewithyou for reading over this for errors.


	4. The Brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's Once Upon a Time's intellectual property.

_**"Our job is never to assume-instead to listen, communicate,** _

_**ask questions then ask more, until we know the** _

_**true depth of someone's spirit."** _

_**-Shannon L. Alder** _

The bar was dark despite the time of day, as an establishment such as it was not known for the lighting but rather the lack thereof. It wasn't seedy, not quite, but it was dark and deserted in the daytime, most of its clientele coming in after hours - from either work, or class. It had hardwood floors of dark wood, scuffed up by years of various types of shoes scraping against it - from cowboy boots to heels. Booths lined the edges of the rooms, with dark red leather and plush accommodations; dozens of tables and chairs, with a small corner stage of very little importance except on certain nights of the week.

There was movement in the back storage room, muffled cursing as something hit the floor; daylight flooded into the darkness as Killian pulled the front door open and stepped inside. His mind was racing from his stupidity earlier in the library, and couldn't shake the feeling that the invisible line had been completely erased and his equilibrium was out of order. He berated himself as he walked behind the empty bar and grabbed a shot glass.

He wasn't sure why he ever thought it was a good idea; he had been so cautious the past few years - no touching of any kind. No accidental brushes, gestures - nothing; but then she had grabbed his hand, stopped him from leaving the first time. He knew he should have gone, that was his role in this - be the honorable man, walk away from the complicated situation where feelings weren't even a fact - just a pull of unknown origin that had been scratching at them for years.

Her hand was just so warm. Her demeanor was so often stand-offish to him, so cold - but this, she couldn't put a mask over. The way she had tightly gripped his hand initially, as if she was scared he'd walk away, but not really knowing why.

He poured a shot of cinnamon whiskey and downed it easily. He used to take shots of a very different type of alcohol, but he remembered one night in the bar, when it was just David, Emma, and himself - and they had a shot of Fireball. She had licked her lips for awhile afterwards, making sure each sweet remnant was on her tongue. That was the first time Killian had allowed himself the desire to initiate a kiss - a long, languorous one where he savored the taste of cinnamon and whiskey lingering on her tongue as he sucked on it.

Shaking his head violently, he threw down the shot glass, hearing it shatter on the rubber mat behind the bar.

"What the hell-" David came running in, alarmed at the noise. He had been the one cursing in the storage room, presumably preparing for tonight. He saw Killian standing behind the bar, with both hands on it, head bowed.

Walking cautiously up to him, David put his hand on Killian's back. "Hey man, what are you doing here?" He looked around and saw the broken shards of glass and the opened bottle of cinnamon whiskey. "What's going on?"

Killian shook his head, which turned into shaking David's hand off and moving away from the bar. When he looked up at his friend, he just smiled, "Nothing at all! Do you mind if I help you set up tonight? Plans for the evening fell through."

David watched his friend, obviously certain something was going on. He was also certain that, much like Emma, Killian wouldn't admit to more than he was ready to - so, he set him to work. "Sure, but you better clean all this up first. Don't use your hands."

Killian blinked at him, "What are you, my dad now? I know not to use my hands...bloody hell."

David laughed, definitely sure Killian was still himself, and walked back to the storage room. He rarely saw Killian in a pensive mood, so it was unsettling - especially with what happened earlier this morning. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything about it to him, it definitely disrupted their equilibrium. No matter, though; Killian was a man, he could handle it. He'll come to me in time, if he needed it.

David found himself wishing that Liam was more available, as some things are just easier to talk about with your brother. Even though he was Killian's best friend, he suspected that the conflicting emotions today weren't something he could talk about with him just yet.

A knock at the door brought him out of the thoughts, and Killian stood there with a smile back on his face, "All cleaned up, sorry about that. I'll pay for the glass if you prefer - what else do you need of me?"

David shook his head, "No need, but can you help carry these kegs to the bar? We're going to need to get these set up - we were running low at the end of last night."

Killian nodded, and moved to pick up the closest one. As he carried several to the bar, he noted that David was keeping silent - which was all well and good, except that it forced Killian to be alone with his thoughts.

Liam would tell him to stop beating around the bush and make himself clear to someone, probably Emma. The only problem was that he wasn't really sure what he could tell her -  _hi, I know we have a tense history but I have the sudden need to fuck you on the corner study table in the library, let's go steady?_

He scoffed. As much as that was true, he would never complicate her life just for sex - not that she would allow that, but he had a feel she'd close herself off even more at just the mention of it with Killian. She already thinks he's just a surface level porn god. He laughed out loud at the thought.  _I'd use my special gifts with her, she'd appreciate it._

No, he definitely had to take his time and figure himself out - he only had a year, and the only thing he knew right now was that the small touches they had earlier warmed his body and heart, and he craved more of them. He was sure this was one of those decisions that caused profound change, and was worried it would be for the worse.

If there was one thing he knew about Emma Swan, it was that she valued stability and loyalty over all else - and here he was, ready to rock the boat on all levels. Lovely.

"So are you going to tell me what's been rattling in your head for the past half hour, or why I found you with a shattered shot glass and a bottle of whiskey on the bar?" David's voice was a few steps away from him, and Killian sighed as he turned around.

"I'm just trying to sort some things out, I had an interesting run in today in the courtyard and I'm not really sure what to do with it. I don't deal well with complications." Killian dropped his head a bit and looked away - David was staring him down and he was afraid his friend would notice too much - make too many connections.

"Well, with my superb credentials of bartender and third year psychology student I must tell you that it is okay to wait, but you'll eventually need to tell me before you explode."

"Are you supposed to tell your patients they'll explode if they don't talk to you?"

David grinned, "No, but I'll tell my friend whatever I damn well please."

"It seems you're learning, bartender. Take a shot before we open?" Killian pulled down a bottle of spiced rum, but David noticed that his eyes kept going to the whiskey bottle.

David waved him to shut up and pour, climbing onto the bar stool and leaning on the wood. Killian poured two quick shots and handed one to David.

"So what are we drinking to?" David asked. Killian looked at him, thinking.

"To a life with darkness and light, and hoping it is all worth it."

They touched the glasses together and swallowed the rum, Killian's face was blank while David's was merely curious. "Cheers, man."

Killian had enough of the seriousness and punched David's shoulder, "Hey man, make sure that is the last one you have tonight, this morning was disastrous and I like my toilet puke-free, thank you very much."

David glared at him, "It was the first Thirsty Thursday of the semester, hangovers are practically a requirement."

He rolled his eyes, "Hangovers maybe, but not to the point of upchucking. What are you, 16? How exactly did you beat us on that front anyway, we started hours before you."

David rubbed his face with his hand, remembering last night as his shift ended - just after midnight. Mary Margaret and the gang had been at one of the booths, just drinking and having a good time - he had to drink water during his shift, but as soon as it was over he downed a few tequilas before heading over with his first rum and coke in hand.

Mary Margaret had been exuberant as always, pushing herself into his arms and immediately tasting the left over tequila. This had caused a number of cat calls, mainly from Neal, who had bloodshot eyes and roaming hands already. Fortunately for him, he could hold his liquor well - he said it was years of practice for work, but David thought it might be a bit more serious of an issue.

David felt a slap on the back of his head and was brought back to reality, "Ow, what the hell man?"

"You had that look on your face!"

"WHAT look?"

Killian rolled his eyes, "That gooey 'I am so fucking in love' face. We're having a girl-free moment, let's enjoy it."

David laughed and Killian's brow furrowed, "Man, if you only knew how often you had that look on your face you wouldn't be talking right now."

Alarmed, Killian took a few steps back, "What are you talking about? I'm not in love."

"In love or not, you get that look on your face too. The only difference is I don't know why. Maybe Liam does, should I ask him next time he calls?" David grinned at the scowl on Killian's face.

"Don't go putting thoughts into his head, I'll never hear the end of it."

"I know it's a ways off, but do you think he'll be able to be here for graduation?" David grabbed the empty shot glasses and walked over to the sink.

"Not sure yet, he put in for the weekend off, but you never know how that will work out." Killian shook his head, he really hoped his brother would be able to make it - he had missed so much of Killian's college experience. While Killian wasn't upset, he still wanted his last family member to be there for his graduation. It's what they would have wanted.

He walked back into the storage room, grabbing the mop bucket to clean down the bar area. The main bar might be wood, but it is just idiotic to have it behind the actual bar. He laughed quietly to himself, thinking of earlier this summer when Liam was able to visit last. Fortunately for Killian, only David was around to meet the infamous second Jones brother - he was always busy, usually in the middle of some sea or ocean, but never anywhere you could speak to him for any significant length of time.

They kept up the rather strange correspondence of letters, and Liam called when he could - all together strange, since before college Liam was around constantly; though, that was probably more to do with legal issues than anything else. That and Liam didn't want Killian being raised by strangers.

He always refused to be picked up at the airport, and met them at the bar David's dad owned; The Kingdom. Liam had cackled a good bit at the name, but over the years it had grown on Killian to the point where he staunchly defended it. "You're quite the white knight, little brother," Liam had quipped. "Although normally they defended the honor of the ladies of the realm, is that something you do?"

Killian had moved swiftly from that line of questioning, since it always led to awkward conversations about how he needed to be careful, not get swindled into a situation with a woman out for his money. He hated those conversations with Liam - for one, he was quite responsible and two, not all women were like that and he hated generalizations.

Either way, the first thing David heard from Liam's mouth was that his dad's bar was stupidly named. Of course, David was well equipped to handle a Jones and quickly came back with colorful comments about how Navy men like to spend their time.

Killian had just sat back, watching their interaction, letting it flow naturally; he had wished that Emma and Mary Margaret could have met Liam, but they had both left the city for the summer - Emma was with Neal in NYC and Mary Margaret was visiting family. David had to stay here to help his dad - it was tentatively his last summer as bartender, since they were graduating and hopefully getting jobs or internships by next year.

"Killian, you planning on mopping this place down anytime soon? You've been standing there for a few minutes." David waved his hand in front of his best friend.

Killian snapped out of his thoughts, "Sorry, all this talk about Liam had me remembering when you two met - love at first insult, yes?" He grinned and jumped away from David's violent tendency to hit first, talk later. "You know, for two people who don't share blood ties you and Emma have a remarkable tendency to act the exact same way - what is with all the hitting and violence?"

"Can't speak for Emma, but maybe you're just an ass."

"Well that isn't exactly a colorful word, perhaps we'll go with  _scoundrel_. Yes, I rather like the sound of that," he smiled a bit. "Killian Jones, scoundrel."

David rolled his eyes; he had promised Liam he would look out for his brother, but lately it seemed that Killian had set his eyes on something unknown to even David - his best friend. He was slightly concerned, but when Killian wanted to hide something then there wasn't much he could do except hope he would turn to David before it was too late.

"Oh good, you're here already." At the sound of the gravelly voice, David turned to look at his father. Cold and stern, he sometimes wondered how he had children at all - but then, being a bar owner would create that tendency over time he supposed.

"Hey dad, what do you need?" He always needed something - never talked to David unless he did.

"Oh, James decided to call in tonight so we don't have a bouncer at the door. Do you know anyone available?"

Killian set the mop's handle against the bar and walked over, "I don't mind helping out, Mr. Nolan - I've not much going on tonight."

Mr. Nolan turned to his son's friend, skeptical. "Not really the bouncer type, are you?"

"I know my way around conflict, sir, and I can do the math on birthdays as well as anyone." Killian bristled - he may not be burly, but he had strength on his frame and welcomed any man to challenge him on that; even David's father.

Mr. Nolan hummed a bit, then acquiesced. "Fine, they'll start filing in around 6:30 - we'll probably need you to work until eleven when the next shift comes in." At that, he walked off leaving David to meet Killian's eyes; Killian just rolled them and shrugged.

"He's your dad mate, not mine. I'll just remember that." He jabbed David in the stomach a bit before grabbing the mop handle and finishing up behind the bar.

* * *

A few hours later, Killian was sitting in the high barstool at the entrance, waving people in as he cursorily checked ids. There was a reason The Kingdom was so popular with college kids - very lax on the id checking, but no one drunk ever drove home - the bar had a standing order of cabs with prearranged fees - so it wasn't a place that the cops ever focused on too much.

He did use some discretion, if it was clear the people were in high school - he drew the line at college students. As he looked back up at the line, he saw Emma's face being dragged behind an eager Neal. She looked a bit harried, as if she wasn't really up for the bar scene a second night.

When they came up to Killian, he caught her eye, taking their ids and studying them for far longer than necessary. He handed Neal's id back with no worries, and he immediately strode towards the bar. For Emma, though, Killian decided to take the special flashlight to check the validity of her license.

Emma glared and tapped her foot, "Jones, come on let me go in. This is a little ridiculous."

"Ah, I don't know about that, Swan." He looked at her, watching her eyes as she registered that he had reverted back to her surname. No reaction, but definite recognition;  _got ya, Swan_. "You look suspicious, I just wanted to be thorough on my first night."

"What are you even doing here, you've never worked for Mr. Nolan!" She huffed, and Killian had no idea why she was so exasperated with him.

"Just doing a favor, lass. What has you all in a tizzy this evening, did someone get you all riled up earlier?" His eyes twinkled a little bit at the allusion to their earlier meeting in the library.

Emma pushed her hair back, ignoring him as she snatched the id back and walked to where Neal was. Halfway there, she looked back at him, "Only one person gets me riled up, Jones. And it isn't you." At that she wrapped her arm around Neal's neck and gave him a hard kiss.

Killian ignored the people waiting in line, and watched her.

_Game on, Miss Swan._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Hey again! Thanks for your reviews, hopefully I responded to most of them - I like talking =P I just wanted to note since I haven't before, that these settings are based entirely upon my experiences as else I would have had to do some research on another college area and just blech, I wanted to write Captain Swan! So anything to do with bars, colleges, apartments, etc. are probably based on my reality in college and other places. Write what you know, you know!? =)
> 
> Thank you again to colinodonewithyou, who soothes my worries about these chapters. If there are mistakes, they're still mine, because I can't help tweaking.


	5. The Playlist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's Once Upon a Time'sintellectual property.

" _ **I didn't want anybody seeing my fire until I burned them with it."**_

_**-Cameron Conaway** _

She felt his hands brush against her neck, the warmth of his calloused fingers paralyzing her. She almost didn't register he had removed them until she heard his whispered, "Have a good day, Emma," as the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened.

Killian held his hand out for her to go first, and though her brain wasn't quite working her body sure was and she stepped quickly away from him. He snapped a brief bow in her direction before leaving the library and leaving Emma bereft of words.

 _Emma._ The sound of her name on his lips was so rare, she mulled over the taste like a fine wine. He had always kept his distance before, ever since that stupid Halloween party freshman year, and she supposed that calling her Emma was just a bit too familiar for him. Or, maybe he was just retaliating since she just called him Jones or that other nickname. She never gave it too much thought.

Why was he even here? She knew that whole "inspiration" excuse was just a load of crap, and Killian was too smooth for his own good; she didn't trust him - but oh, she found herself  _wanting_ to. After all this time, she was just tired of always keeping her guard up in his company. It had gotten ridiculous, quite frankly.

Maybe it was time to make the most of their last year as a group, and for that she'd have to let Killian in a bit.  _Just a tiny crack, though,_ she thought. Charged moments and pretty words aside, he was still someone who took women home and never saw them after that. It wasn't as if that was a horrible thing really, but Emma just didn't trust men like that - her whole life was spent not trusting men like that, who had no regard for the past and their actions.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a string of soft beeps coming from her phone. Several people threw her annoyed glances - she smiled in apology, as she was in a library - and walked outside to answer it.

"Hello?"

_"Hey Ems, you done being boring library girl for today?"_

Emma rolled her eyes again - Neal. "I just left, but if you could stop calling me  _boring library girl_ that would be great. You know how important my studies are, we've talked about this. If you're not going to go back to sch-"

_"Whoa, Ems! Slow down. Sorry I got you riled up, or well..not sorry for you being riled up..I can apologize for that later. I didn't mean to insult you, baby. You know that."_

"Thank you, it just didn't hit me right when you said that." Emma readjusted her bag and started walking towards the advisory building, she couldn't keep standing there or she'd be late.

_"Sorry babe, won't happen again. I was calling to see if you wanted to go to Kingdom tonight?"_

She huffed, "Oh Neal, again? We were just there last night, I'd like a night off."

_"Pleaaaase? I've got some buddies who want to meet up, and you know how my boys love you."_

Rolling her eyes, Emma reluctantly agreed.

_"Great! I'll pick you up at 9. Love you, Ems."_

Emma just grunted and ended the call. A few minutes later she was sitting in her law advisor's office, and he was questioning her on her research.

"So, this was your first case to review, was it not Miss Swan?" He looked over at her on the other side of his desk.

Emma cleared her throat, "Yes sir, we've discussed current cases in my classes, but I've never read a full court case record."

"Interesting. Well, though it isn't part of your admissions process it will look good to the professors' council when they review it that you've spent a large amount of time analyzing briefs. It should also get you into the mindset for when you take the LSATs this December. You are still taking them then, correct?"

"Yes, I won't be able to do the session in October so December is my last shot for this round of admissions really." Emma looked at him in the eyes, slightly nervous, but extremely confident in her abilities.

"That is definitely pushing it, but as long as you prepare well you should do fine. Your GPA and outside activities are in perfect form, you just have to be in a high enough percentile for them to accept you without much issue. So, may I ask what you thought about the ruling you reviewed?"

She cleared her throat, "I felt that the ruling was rationalized well against the constitutional claims. Anticipatory search warrants are a new concept, and this was an excellent case to argue for their constitutionality." She hesitated a bit, wanting to go on.

"Indeed, but I sense you have something else to say?"

"Yes sir, while the case was not an ideal poster child for morality, I have to wonder at the use of the undercover officer."

"Intriguing, why?" He leaned forward a bit, resting his chin on his hands as he looked at her with piercing gray eyes.

"Well, cases like these always bring up the question of entrapment. This man was posing as a marketer of child pornography at the post office, and sold it to the defendant who previously had no charges or suspicions on his record of child pornography. I guess if I were his lawyer, I'd have tried to argue on the entrapment issue rather than the search warrant."

The advisor just leaned back in his chair and watched her in silence. After a minute, he just smiled at her, "I like the way you think, Miss Swan! You will be a fabulous lawyer. Now, let's schedule another appointment for a few months down the road to talk about your LSAT preparation and admissions essays."

Emma let out a loud breath, and thanked him for his time and compliment.

She hurried to the bus stop, really needing the quiet of her apartment after the day she had. First breakfast, then the library, then weird advisor dude - the trifecta of  _oh lord, what is happening?_

* * *

The door slammed and rattled some of the photographs on the wall in the entryway, photos of her and Neal and their friends, of Mary Margaret and David - of Emma's family. She slipped her keys on the hook and slipped her bag and shoes off.

She saw the bit of black hair resting over the couch and padded over, flopping her body down into the plush cushion.

Mary Margaret looked over from the book she was reading, and straightened up a bit, pulling her legs closer - Emma naturally just laid down and put her head in her lap. She felt hands brush through her hair, and Mary Margaret kept quiet, kept reading her book.

This had been a common situation for the past few years, Emma sometimes gets overwhelmed - usually when something unusual happens in her life - and needs her quiet time. It had evolved a bit to where Mary Margaret would tune into her maternal instincts and just comfort her during these moments.

Emma felt her eyes well up slightly, moisture spilling out and down her cheeks. Not convulsive tears, but the tears that stemmed from utter confusion. The hand that moved down her head and hair was so different than the hand that had stroked her neck and held her hand earlier, but she found herself yearning for it all the same.

"Do you think I'm boring?" Emma's voice asked into the silence, soft but enough for Mary Margaret to catch.

Her hand stilled a bit, "No, Emma. You could never be boring."

Those words echoed into Emma's mind, she had heard those earlier today from the unexpected lips of Killian Jones; at the thought, her confused tears became angry tears. What right did he have to act like that, after all these years? He was just upsetting their equilibrium because it was fun, he took pleasure out of messing with her mind. There was no other explanation.

Emma huffed and sat up, forcefully wiping away her angry tears.

"What's wrong, Emma?" Mary Margaret knew not to ask if she was okay - that was clear from her face.

She just shook her head, not willing to talk about it, so Mary Margaret asked instead if she was going to the bar tonight.

"Yeah, Neal asked me to go with him and his buddies." Mary Margaret looked at her, thinking that she should probably stay home tonight but knowing Emma wouldn't change her mind at this point - whatever was affecting her wasn't going to win, that much was for certain.

"Well, if that's the case, then do you want to help me make dinner? It's tacosssssss!" Emma laughed at the little shimmy Mary Margaret did and nodded.

"Great! You wash up then get started on the meat, I'll get the rest of the stuff chopped up."

Emma walked over to their ipod+speakers doc and selected their playlist. It didn't need to be said that they would be listening to the music of their generation right now, it was just automatic that this playlist was to be started when they cooked. Emma called it her "Shower Playlist" - bunch of poppy ballads that have nothing but nostalgia tagged into them.

_Mum mum mmm mum mum mah_

_Mum mum mmm mum mum mah_

_Mum mum mmm mum mum mah_

_Mum mum mmm mum mum mah_

Mary Margaret started laughing, passing their utensil mic to Emma - knowing this was her song if it was anyone's. Emma started singing,

_Love game intuition play the cards with spades to start_

_And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart_

Emma twirled a bit, her anger and confusion forgotten as she put salt and pepper into the ground beef, mixing it up with other spices as Mary Margaret grated the cheese. This song always clicked with her, and she remembered driving David up the wall with it in high school. He never understood her love of Gaga, but that was okay - because Mary Margaret did and that was all she needed.

She wasn't sure why Killian kept engaging with her today, but knowing she was going out with Neal tonight made her feel better - a nice refuge from the craziness, and being with Neal was safe and calm. She'd make sure that Killian could never -

_Can't read my_

_Can't read my_

_No he can't read my poker face_

She giggled at her timing, and continued mixing the meat up with her freshly washed hands.

Mary Margaret had taken over singing with Lady Gaga, her lilting voice a beautiful contrast to Emma's soft silk. She was glad she could distract Emma for a little bit, as Mary Margaret was quite worried about her friend. David had called her earlier and mentioned that he had caught Killian with his thoughtful face on after Emma left and wanted to know if anything had happened, and then Emma came home in that state...it was enough to concern any friend.

She put the cheese into the bowl and took the tomatoes to start chopping them up - Emma was still in the dancing zone, probably waiting for her lines. This was a definite favorite of the two ladies. Mary Margaret moved her hips back and forth singing the chorus with Emma, before handing the "mic" back to Emma for the her lines.

_I won't tell you that I love you_

_Kiss or hug you_

_Cause I'm bluffin with my muffin_

_I'm not lying, I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning_

They laughed at the silly lines and kept dancing until the song ended. By this time, Mary Margaret could tell that Emma's mood had lifted and told her she would finish up the taco-making while Emma took a shower and got ready for Neal.

Emma kissed her friend's cheek and hugged her. It was only one song - a simple, silly song - but sometimes that was all that you needed when you were with uncomplicated friends. She was optimistic that whatever she faced later that night or further down the road, she would be strong.

* * *

_**One Week Later, Friday** _

_The Kingdom_ was just started to fill up that evening, all the college kids were ignoring the hangovers they woke up with that morning from Thirsty Thursdays to crawl back to their favorite bars on Friday evenings. There was also a good spattering of young professionals, as they tended to call themselves. Killian sat at the bar watching the band set up, smiling as they hooked up their amps and played a few test chords.

It had been his idea, the live music, and it had been wildly successful - if it was only a cover band, so what? They loved it, and when they took breaks there was karaoke to be had - drunk college kids loved karaoke.

He called over to David and asked him for a rum and coke. "Hey man can you also get me a gin and tonic? Thanks bro."

Killian rolled his eyes, the voice belonged to Neal and was getting closer. Sure enough, Neal sat down besides Killian and gave him the nod. He ignored him for awhile, his eyes landing on their corner booth; everyone knew that that booth was theirs on busy nights, for their group.

David came back with their drinks and they thanked him, but he was too busy to really spend much time talking; Killian wished he could've just made their own drinks, but for legal reasons that wasn't really allowed. They walked over to their corner booth and settled in. Unfortunately, the drinks meant that he would have to make small talk with Neal. "So where's your other half tonight?" Smooth, Killian; small talk means talking about the one thing you don't want to think about? Nice choice.

"Ah she's with M&M, they're doing girly shit or something, will be around later." Neal leaned back and watched Killian, who had his eyes everywhere but the guy he was talking to. "So, let's talk about that hot brunette last week."

"Let's not, Neal."

"Ah come on man, let me live vicariously! I love Emma, but sometimes the women you bring home just make a guy want to drool. How do you get them? Do you have an elephant dick or something?" Neal laughed at his own jokes, while Killian cringed.

He really despised being alone with Neal, who never seemed to have any sort of filter and the type of guy he was didn't make that a pleasant experience. "It's bad form really to talk about the my evenings with the ladies like that, sir. Excuse me, I think I need something else from the bar."

Killian got up, ignoring Neal's incredulous expression; he was never one to talk about his experiences, but he didn't hide them either - apparently some women found him a good choice when they wanted a good encounter without the trashy experience.

He flagged another bartender and ordered a shot of fireball; he was a masochist, this he was well aware.

Right after he downed the shot, he felt a female presence sit down beside him and lean in slightly, facing his body. "Hey, you're Killian, right?"

He looked at her and smiled, "Correct, lass. How'd you know?"

She blushed a bit, "The girls talk about you a lot, how you're here all the time and how you're the perfect image of tall, dark, and handsome."

"Why that is quite flattering, darling - thank you. Are you here alone or with other beautiful friends?" He winked at the secret compliment.

As Killian kept chatting with the woman at his side, Emma and Mary Margaret walked into the bar, striding right past the usual bouncer without showing him their ids. Emma's eyes instantly landed on Killian's form, noticing his smile - but not a smile for her, just one for the woman at his side. She shook her head, trying to forget the last time she saw him smile like that - it was at  _her,_ in the library.

That had been a week ago, and she had deliberately avoided all instances of interaction with him since their brief meeting in the bar. She glared at the back of his neck as he laughed and talked with the woman, and it reminded her of all the reasons she had never fully trusted him as a friend. He just did this with everyone - laughed, flirted, smiled, made deep comments and innuendos. He probably even ran his fingers down their necks and called them by their first names, just like he did to Emma.

Just a flirt, not quite worth the trust he apparently wanted from her. She decided to ignore it and walked over to their booth to sit with Neal, Mary Margaret already getting comfortable. Emma tucked into Neal's side with her head on his shoulder as they chatted together quietly about their day.

Neal just had a simple job as a security guard during the day for some watch store, so Emma was able to see him most evenings. She enjoyed that he had a regular job; they had talked about him going to school, but it just didn't seem to suit him so he spent most of his free time with Emma.

"Hey, why don't I go get you ladies some drinks? First round is on me." Emma smiled up and kissed his lips quickly in thanks as he scooted out and walked away to the bar.

As soon as he left, Killian walked up with his usual rum and coke, and slid into the side of the booth that was opposite from Emma. He greeted them, Mary Margaret much more enthusiastic with her greeting than Emma was with hers.

"Well hey Killian, how was your week?" Mary Margaret decided to ask, since Emma was clearly not interested in the conversation now that Neal had left.

"Was quite good, thank you. I was able to find a lot of inspiration last week and submitted my first building design draft for the senior year project." Killian watched Emma's face as he spoke that sentence, wondering if she would show any emotion at his reference. She didn't.

"That's really good to hear! I know you were a bit concerned about it this summer. Well my first few weeks have been fairly boring, we haven't even seen the schools yet!" Mary Margaret was in the last year of her primary education degree, and as a result her classes would be mostly on actual elementary campuses for field work.

Killian hummed a bit and returned her excitement, even though he was more focused on Emma. After a few moments the three fell into silence as Killian just sipped his rum, eyes still on Emma - and Emma's still on anyone but Killian.

Neal came back with the ladies' orders, and Killian heard the first few rifts of a song being played by the cover band behind them.

He found himself smiling, glad that the band had a beautifully voiced female lead singer to do this song justice - he supposed that was why they even bothered trying to play it. He leaned back as the first lines floated through, watching as Emma leaned back into Neal's embrace as she talked with Mary Margaret.

_Something always brings me back to you_

_It never takes too long_

_No matter what I say or do_

_I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone_

Killian closed his eyes, not ashamed to admit this song had been close to his heart for quite awhile; no matter how manly he was purported to be, he appreciated beauty in all its forms - and Sara Bareilles' song was beautiful. He hummed as the next lines came through and opened his eyes to find that Emma was staring at him with hooded eyes. He locked stares with her and without much thought mouthed the next lines, that held more meaning than even Killian would admit, hoping she would understand what he didn't even grasp just yet.

_You hold me without touch_

_You keep me without chains_

_I never wanted anything so much_

_Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain_

She stared at his mouth, hearing the words come from his voice as if he was actually singing it, only vaguely aware that the singer was actually female. She tried to ignore it, knowing he was just messing with her head again - but…

_I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity_

She shook her head,  _damn, what was with this song?_ She glared at him as he continued to stare at her, his lips stilled and she wondered if it was a calculated decision that the band was playing _Gravity_ right now; she wouldn't put it past him. Emma looked up at Neal and Mary Margaret, who seemed to be involved in a deep discussion about the local IPAs in Boston and were ignoring the two quiet people at their sides. Neal's arm hooked around her shoulder and she leaned into him, breaking contact with Killian's intensity, but she couldn't escape the words surrounding her.

_You loved me 'cause I'm fragile_

_When I thought that I was strong_

_But you touch me for a little while_

_And all my fragile strength is gone_

Emma let the words wash over her, trying to shake their truth from her bones - his touch melted whatever coldness she had, and it always had; there was a reason she avoided being alone or in close proximity to him - he left her wary. Even though Killian did this with most women - unabashed flirting, the ability to make it seem as if she was the only one he really wanted - there was no denying he was  _damn good at it,_ and it was hard for Emma to remember that it was all just an act _._ She snuck a glance at him and he started mouthing words again to her.

_I live here on my knees_

_As I try to make you see_

She glared at him, and tried to push herself into the others' conversation on beer varieties, but she felt Killian's foot graze the tip of her shoe and knew it wasn't an accident. Just the desperate need to be in physical contact with her, since he couldn't very well grab her hand without seeming suspicious - but this only served to haunt Emma's thoughts,  _what game was he playing?_

_You're everything I think_

_I need here on the ground_

_But you're neither friend nor foe_

_Though I can't seem to let you go_

At that last line he broke their contact, abruptly getting up to walk towards the offices in the back. He never once glanced back at her as she felt the last lines drift towards her.

He hadn't seemed to be upset, and she certainly hadn't done anything to provoke such a response. Emma felt he was being childish - who actually mouths lyrics to people in bars? In front of their boyfriends and roommates, and  _brothers?_ Either he was enjoying messing with her, or was playing a very dangerous game - and Killian usually didn't dive into the dangerous side of life.

_Something always brings me back to you_

_It never takes too long_

Emma scoffed at the last lines, knowing that once people left they were gone for good - she knew from first hand experience. Her birth parents, foster parents - all 8 sets of them, her friends in each school when they had learned who she was. They all left her. The only people she had were David, Mary Margaret, and Neal. Killian was never to be trusted, he played with too many hearts.

Even still, the last lines rung in her head as she stared at the black wall where Killian had disappeared to.

She turned to the two chatterboxes, "Hey guys, I'm going to go see if David needs any help." Without waiting for an answer, she slipped out of the booth and walked up to the bar.

She stood there for a few minutes, trying to compose her thoughts and body, before she saw Killian walk back out of the office and directly towards where she stood. Emma's heart beat a little faster, his gaze intent on hers as he somehow knew he'd find here there instead of the booth.

"Oh Hey Killian! Didn't expect to see you here again." Emma's eyes went wide as the girl at her side interrupted their staring contest and she saw his eyes flicker down to the brunette from the previous week, noting his recognition as he walked closer to the two women.

He gave her a half smile before raising his eyes back to Emma's and spoke words that felt like were just for her.

"Apparently I couldn't stop myself, something always brings me back to you." And he broke contact with Emma to wink at the brunette in front of her, effectively dismissing her the way she had so many times before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Songs used were Poker Face by Lady Gaga and Gravity by Sara Bareilles. I highly recommend you listen to Gravity as they are, it should be timed quite well - and it washed me with feels when I wrote it and read it.
> 
> If you're confused about Killian and Emma good, you should be. Next chapter will bring the second half of their evening and some shenanigans. This chapter was supposed to be a bit more lighthearted, but dammit. These two.
> 
> Thank you to all my followers, likes, and especially the reviewers for taking the time to let me know what you think!
> 
> ~Caisha


	6. The Bet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's Once Upon a Time's intellectual property.

**Half of My Heart**

_**"Jealousy is love in competition."** _

_**\- Toby Beta** _

_He gave her a half smile before raising his eyes back to Emma's and spoke words that felt like were just for her._

_"Apparently I couldn't stop myself, something always brings me back to you." And he broke contact with Emma to wink at the brunette in front of her, effectively dismissing her the way she had so many times before._

At that, Emma resolved to wash away the strangeness between the two - she was stronger than this, than falling for his smooth lines and smoldering looks. She missed being able to just hang out with her friends without panicking at his proximity.

She hopped off the bar stool and looked to the brunette, smiling sweetly. "Hey, if you're interested our group is over there in the corner - I'm sure Killian would love the company, he always ends up being the fifth wheel and I'm sure he gets tired of it." At that, she shifted her smile to Killian, who had an angry look on his face.

But as she looked at him, his face shifted to acceptance, "That sounds like fun actually, are you up for it lass?" He looked at the brunette, who nodded eagerly. He held out his hand to her, gentleman that he was, and they walked over to the booth where Neal and Mary Margaret were still chatting.

"Hey guys, look who I found!" Killian watched as recognition hit their faces and inwardly laughed a little bit.

Mary Margaret, ever the hostess, beckoned the girl to take a seat and promptly started chatting with her. Before Killian could slide in next to her, Emma aggressively pushed past him and climbed into Neal's lap, attacking his mouth.

Everyone's eyes slid to the couple, surprised by their public display; Emma was always one to keep the PDA to a minimum, especially here where David could see.

And David certainly noticed, but not what you would expect him to - he noticed the way Killian stood frozen in his spot, and the way that as soon as Emma pulled back from Neal's lips her eyes slid covertly towards Killian's frame. Little pieces started to fit into the picture, and he couldn't address it right now - but a talk with his sister was imminent.

Mary Margaret cleared her throat after the little scene, and asked Killian if he intended to sing again tonight. He always ended up singing some swoon-worthy song for the ladies during the karaoke breaks - it was his brand of mass flirtation and foreplay. And judging by the way the brunette's eyes lit up at the proposition, it worked quite well.

"Of course, I wouldn't want to disappoint all my lovely fans." Killian put his fingers under the brunette's chin, placing a soft kiss on her lips. Emma rolled her eyes at the cockiness that oozed out of his body, but knowing she had no right to get upset about it - she had just made out with her boyfriend to make a point that what he was doing didn't affect her.

She felt a bit sick at how she was handling the whole situation, but Neal didn't seem to mind the extra affection.

"Oy, Swan, are you ever going to sing one of these nights? Everyone's done it at least once, except you." His voice forced her to look at him. She couldn't help but glare, and just shook her head.

"Oh come on, babe. It's your last year, eventually you'll have to sing - Killian is right, it's tradition!" Neal was imploring her with the puppy dog face he was so damned good at.

Emma sighed a little, about to give in when she had a delicious thought. "Alright Jones, why don't we play for it?" She nodded over to the elevated section in the bar. Emma knew exactly what she was doing - Killian could never deny a good bet, especially with her.

"Alright then, what shall we say - loser has to sing, winner picks the song?" He raised one eyebrow in challenge.

"You're on, Jones. I have the perfect song, too. You'll love it." Emma knew the only song that could possibly embarrass him; well, it would embarrass anyone, but Killian had a special history with it. She could not lose this bet.

The group slid out of the booth, taking their drinks with them, and moving towards the elevated section that housed a pristine shuffleboard. When people think of bars, they think of music and booze - but everyone always forgets the random dart boards, foosball tables, and occasionally - if you were very lucky - a shuffleboard table. Many disagreements had been settled over this table, especially with this group; they all knew the bet - first to 15 points, no rematch, no best-of-threes, nothing but pure death match.

The brunette looked a little lost, but Neal just pulled a chair out for her and sat down at the small table with Mary Margaret. There were several tables lining the section, but all gave a clear view of the board.

As those three got situated, Killian and Emma took their credit cards out and began salting the board. Salting was a very precise process, and was usually done in silence when the stakes were high - put too much, it threw your game off; too little, it ruined the board and your throws. Luckily, these two had played each other enough over the years that they knew exactly how to salt to the other's contentment.

"What'll it be, love? Red or blue?" Killian asked as she was putting her card away. She looked at his eyes and chose blue without thinking, only later realizing it was because of his eyes - deep blue like the ocean after a stormy night.

Killian nodded and walked to where the red pucks were stored.

He turned back to her and bowed again, "Ladies first, Swan," waving his hand at the table.

Emma rolled her eyes and positioned her blue puck in the center of the board, and pushed it with a firm jab, sending it sailing down the plank of polished wood until it slowed near the second line. Three points, not bad a for the first one - she was pretty rusty, they hadn't played since before the summer.

Shuffleboard was one of those strange games that allowed you to get better the more drunk you got, making it an entirely appropriate game for bars - unlike darts, which could potentially get scary. It was a waist-high table, with one long thin piece of heavily polished and waxed wood in the center, with special finely milled salt on top of it - each person or team used six colored pucks. They were small, usually made of metal covered in rubber, of varying weights depending on where you played. The object was to get each puck as far down the table as you could without it sailing off - the farther it was, the more points.

It was divided into rounds, basically - alternating with each puck, first one sets it up and the next person attempted to knock it off with theirs, filling the board with potentially twelve pucks - though it never got that crowded. The one who's puck was furthest got the points for that puck or pucks before that round reset.

Emma and Killian were playing to 15 points, and last time they played each other it took well over half an hour and three rounds of shots to finish. They were both extremely good at playing both defensively and offensively on the board, and neither liked to lose.

Killian walked up to survey the board; Emma had positioned herself well, with two lines of defense - but Killian knew he could knock at least a few off and sail one through to the edge; his specialty was precision whereas Emma's was more brute strength.

Fifteen minutes later, the brunette had abandoned the game - Killian was clearly too involved in it to pay much attention to her. Neal had also left to have a smoke outside, but Mary Margaret was glued to the interactions between Killian and Emma. They were always so intense with this silly game, but right now it felt like they were maybe playing for something else entirely.

The score was set 12-13, in Killian's favor - well beyond the thirty minute average game time; Emma growled, he had two pieces on the edge and one dead center. Her only option was to slip her last one past, or knock one off and hope the velocity took her puck ahead of his when it did.

Killian watched her brow furrow in thought, knowing he certainly had the best set up - again, hers was not a game of precision. She squatted down to look at the board straight on, as if she were a professional golfer on the final putting green of the 18th hole, judging the slopes.

Squinting her eyes, she set her last blue puck lined up in between his right and center ones; Killian grinned, she apparently was taking the precision route. She stood up and pulled the puck back before jabbing it down the board with a good amount of force - but she had also flicked her wrist to create a good amount of spin.

Killian watched in awe as his center puck was hit dead on, sent sailing over the edge, as Emma's rolled over the three point line, just a hair in front of his other puck.

Mary Margaret whooped upon confirmation of the score and clapped unabashedly - she knew Emma took any win like this seriously, even if it was just a game. Killian was just watching Emma, who had a serene smile on her face as she snapped back a bow at him - mocking him, surely.

"Well, what will you have me do, Swan?" He asked her, voice laced with an intent that went beyond singing. Emma was too high on the win to let it phase her as she smiled back at him.

She just stared at him before saying one word, and she knew exactly what it would do to him. "Friday," she said, a wicked grin appearing on her face as she saw Killian's face pale.

"Come on, lass. What did I do to deserve that?" He pleaded with her.

She shook her head, "Nope, fair is fair, Jones. You know the drill." She shoved him a bit towards the stage, "Go on now, the band is about to take their break." She winked and strode off with Mary Margaret to reclaim their booth - and get some water, because Emma surely wanted to have a clear head for this.

David caught her eye and waved her over, handing her a glass of water - he always did know exactly what she needed; it was comforting. "So what are you making him do tonight?"

"Oh nothing," Emma flipped her golden locks behind her, but David caught the glint in her eyes. "Just repaying him for the last bet I lost."

She took a sip of water, and David laughed a bit. "You had that coming though, little sis." He nudged her shoulder.

Scowling, Emma replied, "Yes well, I'm making him sing his favorite song from our freshman year - you should be thanking me."

David's eyes bulged a little, "Oh Emma, you didn't. Why would you bring that up again, you know how long it took last time!"

Giggling, she took another gulp of water, and heard the band's last notes trickle off.

"Well, that's my cue - I'll go initiate the karaoke and introduce our leading man." She winked at David, who shook his head ruefully.

As she walked to the small corner stage, she grabbed the wireless mic off the stand and greeted everyone. She usually introduced the karaoke singers - even if she didn't want to sing, she wanted to have some fun with the crowd.

Emma saw Killian off to her side, clearly trying to lock his fear away before this all started. She winked, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have a treat for you tonight! I'm sure you all know Killian Jones." She paused for the zealous female cheers before continuing, "Now, he wanted to sing something near and dear to his heart." Emma heard a groan from the side and smiled broadly. "So please give a warm welcome to Killian!"

She passed the microphone to him, and he grabbed it roughly, apparently resigned to his fate. She patted him on the shoulder and walked to the digital jukebox system, selecting her song.

As she hopped back on the stool at the bar, the first beats came out and everyone started laughing. Killian, however, had made up his mind - he was going to do what he did best, and seduce the fuck out of the audience with his charisma, song be damned.

_Ooooo, ooo yeah yeah_

_Yeah ah-ah_

_Yeah ah-ah_

Killian hopped down off the stage and walked to a large group of girls, and winked at them to get them to be his back up singers. Everyone knew the song, if you didn't you were living under a rock in 2011; unfortunately for Killian, he had been smack in the middle of the uprising. It was something he had sworn David to secrecy on, the fact that he knew every lyric perfectly - of course, now he knew David had betrayed him to Emma - damn them!

_7am, wakin' up in the morning_

_Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs_

_Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal_

_Seein' everything, the time is goin'_

_Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'_

At first, everyone was laughing, but Killian lent his enormous self confidence to the cause, and rapped like his life depended on it.

_I see my friends_

_Kickin' in the front seat_

_Sittin' in the back seat_

_Gotta make my mind up_

_Which seat can I take?_

Killian knew exactly what he was doing, and walked over to a particularly stunning pair of women, with two chairs open between them, and made a sexy little show of being torn between the two seats. As the lyrics built up to the chorus, he went back to the group of women/back up singers, who joined him:

_Friday, Friday_

_Gotta get down on Friday_

_Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend_

Gradually, everyone's laughter at him became laughter with him, as they joined in on the iconic song and Killian grabbed the pretty brunette's hand and twirled her a bit as they sang the simple chorus again.

Everyone was getting into the simplicity of the song - and the fact that, hell, it was Friday, and damned if they weren't looking forward to the weekend.

Killian belted out, "Partyin' Partyin'" and held the mic out as the participants then shouted "Yeah!"

As the next rap-esque lines came out, he walked over to Emma who was sitting stunned at the bar, not expecting this - she was expecting utter discomfort and her amusement.

_I got this, you got this_

_My friend is by my right_

_I got this, you got this_

_Now you know it_

He leaned against the bar as he sang and the crowd kept clapping in time, keeping their enthusiasm surprisingly well into the next set of Friday, Friday chants.

Killian smiled broadly at everyone joining in, and droned very seriously the next lines:

_Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday_

_Today iis Friday, Friday_

_We we we so excited_

_We so excited_

_We gonna have a ball today_

_Tomorrow is Saturday_

The ladies laughed at his seriousness in those deep lines, and he turned at the last lines to David, who was secretly beating his foot to the rhythm. Killian just looked at him, walking towards him as he sang, and David's eyes got wide.

Killian was going to get him back for ever breathing a word of this song to Emma, and he knew exactly how to do it; the rap break was coming, and David was the next Eminem if he ever saw one.

David just sighed and grabbed the mic, starting up as the beat was laid down.

_So chillin' in the front seat (In the front seat)_

_In the back seat (In the back seat)_

_I'm drivin', cruisin' (Yeah, yeah)_

_Fast lanes, switchin' lanes_

_Wit' a car up on my side (Woo!)_

_(C'mon) Passin' by is a school bus in front of me_

_Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream_

_Check my time, it's Friday, it's a weekend_

_We gonna have fun, c'mon, c'mon, y'all_

Mary Margaret let out a loud whoop as the rest took over the chorus and David handed the mic back to Killian, who smacked him on the head and headed back up to the stage, singing the chorus still.

His original 'back up singers' came up there with him, and he snapped the mic back on the stand as he drew them both in with his hands around their waists, singing the last lines as the music faded out

_Partyin' partyin'_

_Fun fun fun fun_

_Looking forward to the weekend_

The music ended to cheers as Killian bowed a bit, "Thank you all, and in case you didn't know - it's fucking Friday, get down and have a good time!" He jumped down and pulled the closest girl to him for a deep kiss before letting her go with a wink and a smile. Her eyes fluttered a bit, not the least bit upset at his brashness.

He strolled towards Emma, who still had a stunned look on her face; Killian idly wondered if she even enjoyed herself there, before leaning against the bar next to her. "So Swan, bet fulfilled wouldn't you say?"

And she glared at him, but it is Neal who answered, "Oh hell yeah man, that was hilarious - you definitely have the skills!" He winked, making sure Killian got his meaning.

Killian smiled at Neal, who at least understood the idea behind it, unlike his girlfriend who was still acting like a petulant child who didn't get her wish.

A blonde woman walked up to Killian and placed her hands on his chest, leaning to whisper something in his ear. He turned to look at her and nodded, pushing off the bar and walking away without a glance towards Emma.

Emma continued staring at Killian's back, noting how his arm moved around the woman's waist, tucking her into his side. She blinked a few times, but once they had walked out of the front door, Emma turned around slowly and found Mary Margaret right in front of her.

She just kept staring at Emma, who was getting more and more uncomfortable by the minute. Finally, she snapped, "What? Why are you staring at me?"

Mary Margaret's face didn't change, but she drew breath to speak, "I think maybe we're due for a girls day out."

Emma scowled since she hated when Mary Margaret said that. It was code for "we need to have a serious conversation." Unfortunately, she may be right this time and Emma just nodded and watched as Mary Margaret accepted it without another word, turning back to take a seat.

Emma turned to Neal and whispered that she wasn't feeling well and was going to head home. He nodded absently, engrossed in conversation.

She walked out of the bar and into the cool evening. It wasn't supposed to be cool, it was only September, but mother nature tended to do what she pleased. As she walked the few blocks to their apartment complex, she wondered what on earth Mary Margaret had seen that she felt the need to claim "girls day out"; it was something she rarely did, except in times of crisis.

Emma slipped her key into the gate's lock, sighing; she knew it would be about Killian. They had interacted far too much recently, and it was putting Emma's mind into an unusual state of confusion. She knew better than to be alone with him, but she had let it happen several times the past few weeks - it was a slippery slope.

Walking into her dark apartment, she didn't bother flipping on any lights and went straight to her bedroom. She didn't even both putting pajamas on, just slipping out of her clothes and into bed.

As she reached over to turn off her lamp, she noticed the necklace that still hung with all her others sitting on the bedside table. She had many necklaces, but she only looked at one this time.

It was a catholic pendant of Archangel Raphael hanging on a long silver chain. She moved to touch it, but stopped herself and just flipped off the lamp.

It was going to be a very long weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Yeah, apologies for putting that song into your heads again. Asked a friend what was the most embarrassing thing I could make him sing, and that was his answer.
> 
> Was a bit of a lighter chapter, and the next one will have some friend bonding. Then it's Halloween. That is all, good day!
> 
> PS shuffleboard actually is one of the best bar games, just saying.


	7. The Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's Once Upon a Time's intellectual property.

" _ **It's bullshit to think of friendship and romance as being different.**_

_**T** _ _**hey're not. They're just variations of the same love.** _

_**Variations of the same desire to be close."** _

_**\- Rachel Cohn** _

"I don't understand why we're here," Emma whined. They had just stepped into a nearby day spa; Mary Margaret has always enjoyed indulging in a little pampering. Except she usually left Emma at home, since it was no secret that she 'didn't have time' for these things.

Unfortunately, Mary Margaret was hard to say no to after last night and Emma found herself in a slicked out spa with sea foam green paint on the walls and white leather chairs, the scent of vanilla wafting hitting her as she stood there.

"Emma, you promised me a spa day. Don't be grumpy." Mary Margaret tsked as she walked over to the receptionist, leaving Emma to roll her eyes.

 _I'll be grumpy if I want to be grumpy,_ she mumbled.

The truth was that she was not prepared for the interrogation that was surely coming. Mary Margaret had apparently seen something last night with Killian, and while Emma wasn't sure if there was anything to say, Mary Margaret would certainly have something.

"Emma, you should probably pick a color." Emma's wandering mind was interrupted by Mary Margaret waving a pastel blue nail polish in front of her face. She snapped out of it and walked over to the wall of colors, selecting a dark red one without even a second thought.

"Killian was wearing a red shirt last night, it looked really good on him don't you think?" Mary Margaret's random statement was, of course, not entirely random as she watched Emma's reaction.

Emma did a double take on the color in her hand, but shook her head. "Uh yeah, sure." She was saved a follow up comment by their esthetician ushering them to the private room Mary Margaret had booked. Apparently, she was a regular VIP.

The private room, however, made Emma nervous - Mary Margaret  _definitely_ meant business, she feared. She slid into the plush leather chair as the woman rolled up her jeans to above her knees. This was a bit of a weird situation, but Emma knew better than to say anything as she looked at Mary Margaret, who was already sinking into her Zen-state.

A few minutes into it, their feet soaking in the warm bubbling water, Mary Margaret's voice asked softly, "So how is Neal? I haven't seen him around as much since the semester started."

Emma let out a breath she hadn't know she was holding - she thought for sure that Mary Margaret would be straightforward - but answered, "He's really good - our relationship is steady as it has always been. He's enjoying his new security job for that jewelry store on 10th street."

"Oh, Gold's?" Mary Margaret's nose scrunched up, as if she disliked it, but wasn't sure why. "That's such a silly name for a jewelry store, but I'm glad he's settling in well."

"Definitely! Apparently the owner really likes him and has taken him under his wing with the business, even as some random security guard."

The esthetician pulled Emma's foot from the warm water and began to rub oil on it, taking a pumice sponge and buffing her heel. She was intent to just watch, but Mary Margaret was still intent on asking questions.

"What about your law school applications, how are those coming? Have you decided when you'll take the LSATs?"

"They're fine, I've met my advisor already and he seems to know what's going on. I've kind of decided to push it and take the LSATs in December, I need a bit longer to prepare than just doing it in October. I also need to maybe find a tutor." Emma picked at a thread on her blouse, feeling a bit awkward - she was waiting for the other shoe to drop in this conversation.

"Is Neal okay with you continuing on with school?"

"Yeah, of course he is. He's always known that is where I want to be. I don't think he's particularly happy with the time I spend away from him, but -"

"What's going on with you and Killian?" Mary Margaret interrupted her explanation.

Emma's eyes whipped up to Mary Margaret's face, which was set intently on her own. Watching for any reaction. She ignores it and stares at her feet, which were being transformed before her very eyes. She was grateful that the employees were keeping mostly silent, letting the two women talk in peace. However with each passing moment, her silence became more of an answer to Mary Margaret.

"Nothing is going on; he's just the same as usual." She finally spat out.

"I don't believe you. He might be the same as usual, but your reactions are not. I watched you two last night, it's clear there is some tension building. I want to know why." Mary Margaret crossed her arms, looking slightly more intimidating.

Emma sighed, "There really isn't anything going on, he's just been around me alone more than usual and it's throwing me off. We've never really talked to each other, but lately he's been so focused on creating more of those situations. He even followed me into the library the other week!"

Mary Margaret watched her friend's face, "Followed you into the library?"

"Yes! He was  _bored_ and wanted someone to bother so he chose me, apparently. You know how uncomfortable I get when I'm alone and that close to someone. He's just throwing me off a bit." Emma looked at her toes, which were now a deep red, and smiled despite her words.

"Are you...you know, interested in him?" Her voice dipped a bit, the question serious and no longer a joke. Emma's eyes popped out, alarmed at the insinuation.

"No! No way, why would you ever think that? I love Neal, we've been together forever - we're steady and I love him."

Mary Margaret leaned back into her chair, thinking about Emma's denial. She watched her friend out of the corner of her eye, her body language expressing a bit of her distress at the scenario she brought up. Emma can say whatever she wants, she thought, but her eyes did not lie to her last night.

Killian had walked out of the bar with another woman, and Emma's eyes did not leave his back until many minutes after the door had closed again.

* * *

Once their little primp session was done, their attitudes abruptly switched - Mary Margaret's turned sullen while Emma's turned ecstatic.

"Mary Margaret, you  _promised._ You've never been and I did this for you!" Emma waved her newly painted nails in front of Mary Margaret's face. Secretly she kind of liked them, but spas still weren't really her thing.

Mary Margaret sat back in the car and looked reluctantly at the building in front of her. She had avoided this little interest of Emma's for three years, but Emma had gone through something equally distasteful today so she couldn't deny her.

"Fine, lets go then." She unbuckled her seatbelt and they got out of the bug, Emma strolling in front of her and opening up the door that read  _Red's Shooting Range._ The little bell dinged on the door and they went inside.

"Emma! I didn't expect to see you today." The range's owner, Ruby, ran up to Emma and gave her a hug. Clearly, Emma spent more time here than other places.

"I know, but it was the only time Mary Margaret over here would agree to come, so I'm making do!" She waved Mary Margaret over to them, and introduced them.

"Oh hey girl! Emma talks about you and that boyfriend of yours all the time, I feel as if I already know you. Have you ever shot before?" Ruby had on appropriately bright red lipstick, with a simple white shirt and jeans. Her shoes were also red, but they were work boots - which made sense, since she worked in the range itself often and not just the store.

Mary Margaret was stunned at their familiarity, but softly replied, "No, I've never handled any gun or weapon before. I guess Emma will teach me, though."

Emma grinned and pulled her gun from the row of safes on the wall. "You bet I will. Hey Ruby, can you pull a box of ammo out for us?"

Ruby walked over and handed the box of ammo to Emma, and then handed two massive ear protectors to Mary Margaret. "You'll want to use those, it can get pretty loud in indoor ranges." She winked and buzzed them into the range.

Emma walked to the last cell, pulling a few paper targets off the wall on her way. She gestured at Mary Margaret to put on the headphones, and instantly sound was muffled. She placed the ammunition box on the counter and opened up her gun case, pulling out a slick silver gun.

Mary Margaret's eyes widened, she hadn't known Emma was so into guns - so much so that she  _owned_ one.

"This right here is a Bersa 380, it is lightweight and small - really good for those with smaller hands like us. Now, before we get to the fun part you have to learn the basic rules of handling and shooting a weapon."

Emma held the gun flat in the palm of her hand as she spoke, "The first rule, above all others, is  _never_ point your gun at anyone, and always point towards the ground. You only want to point it at something you'd be okay with accidentally shooting. You'll learn later that it's pretty tough to accidentally shoot someone without massive amounts of adrenaline in your system, but that is the most important rule."

Mary Margaret continued to just watch her friend speak so animatedly about this subject, she completely forgot that she was terrified of guns for a moment.

"The second rule is that you  _never_ rest your finger on the trigger, always keep it along the barrel of the gun until you're ready to fire." Emma took Mary Margaret's right hand and placed the gun in her hand, turning her body towards the long alley of the range. "Don't worry, it isn't loaded - the magazine isn't in and there's no round inside. Just feel the weight of the gun, grip it."

Mary Margaret did just that, holding it as she had seen so many times in the movies and tv shows. Emma took the finger that was resting on the trigger and moved it so it aligned with the barrel, complying with the second rule.

"Now, here is the safety button - if it is out, it's on and won't fire. Just remember that. Push  _in_ to fire - just like the trigger."

Emma gently took the gun back and pulled out the magazine that was filled with bullets and she showed Mary Margaret how to load it into the gun, and cock it. "You never want to cock it with your thumb as you sometimes see in shows, though. Always use your other hand to pull back and load the round of ammunition."

"Why is that?" Mary Margaret found herself asking out of curiosity, no longer as afraid as she was before.

"Because it's easier to control when you're scared. You want to use everything you have, and loading the round isn't easy - takes a good bit of strength. You don't want to leave much room for error - you're using this in defense, not in offense."

Emma gestured for Mary Margaret to step back as she loaded the round in the chamber and took a proper stance, and fired off two bullets in fairly quick succession. The sound was loud and popping, and reverberated around her entire body. She loved the feel of control she got by using this. No one would ever hurt her when she carried.

She placed the gun on the counter, barrel facing down the range, and turned to Mary Margaret who had a grin on her face. "I take it you'd like to try a few?"

Mary Margaret just nodded and walked up, picking up the gun and holding it as she was taught.

Emma slid in behind her, "Now, when you fire, you'll need to remember to keep a firm but soft grip. You don't want the gun to fly out of your hands, but it'll also give some kick back so you'll want to brace yourself." She took her back leg and scooted it back, and pivoted her hips a bit.

"Do I keep both eyes open?"

Emma smiled, "Sure, don't worry too much about your aim right now, we're just looking for you to get a feel for the power behind the gun."

After the first shots, Mary Margaret was addicted. They went through the entire box of ammunition, and made plans to come again soon. As they were walking out of the store, Mary Margaret caught a glimpse of a fancy metal-ish bow set - and Ruby caught her looking; she mentioned that starting in 2 weeks every Sunday there were beginning Archery classes, if she was interested. Mary Margaret was very much interested, and smiled at Ruby as she took the flier explaining about the class.

Emma waved goodbye to her friend and thought that she had successfully derailed any thoughts of Killian all afternoon; but when they pulled up to the apartment complex and she saw the blonde from last night walking down the stairs, she remembered.

Shaking it off, she reminded herself that he was just trying to get under her skin - he was a master at it, and everything she had told Mary Margaret was the truth.

She had a wonderfully steady, long-term relationship with no complications. She felt comfort with him, and knew he would never let her go.

Killian Jones was not that type of man.

* * *

David walked into his apartment after spending the early evening with Mary Margaret. They had an interesting conversation about Emma and Killian, and he was not surprised she had noticed the same subtle shifts in their interactions. His girl was quite perceptive about emotions.

She had made him promise not to confront Emma, but that didn't mean he couldn't have a direct conversation with Killian to make sure nothing crossed a line.

He shut the door, and the silence that greeted him made him think he was alone, but as he walked into the living room, he saw a book peeking over the top of the couch with a tuft of dark hair peeking over the cushion.

Killian was definitely sprawled out on the couch reading again, and David knew when that happened that it was likely that Killian wouldn't have even noticed him arriving home.

Thus, when David grabbed the book away from his hands, a startled Killian rolled off the couch after violently jerking away in surprise.

David burst out laughing, "Oh man, I knew you got in the zone when you read, but  _damn_ , you took quite the tumble."

Killian scowled at his friend and grabbed his book from David's hands. "What do you want, mate?"

Still smiling, David locked him down with intense eyes, "What are you doing with Emma?"

"I beg your pardon?" Killian looked surprised at the question, but made no move either way.

"Emma. Something is going on, and I want to know what it is." David still kept his eyes on his friend, trying his best to be the intimidating older brother. No matter how good a friend Killian was, Emma would  _always_ come first - she was his sister.

"Why do you ask? Nothing is going on."

"Don't lie to me! You two kept looking at each other like you were in an argument one minute and having sex the next. You've  _never_ interacted so much in such a short time period. What. Is. Going. On?" David walked up to where Killian was now standing, punctuating each question with a jab to his chest.

Killian backed off and turned around, "I don't know what you think you saw, mate, but nothing is going on with Swan and I. I'm trying to be her friend - I don't want to leave school only having you as my anchor to this group, so I'm making an effort to make a connection with her too."

David made a huffing sound, "Well, she might be taking it the wrong way. She looked upset when you left last night with Susie or whatever her name was."

Killian turned around and laughed, "I'm sorry the lass is taking my friendship the wrong way, but I assure you there is nothing going on between us."  _Yet,_ he thought. Although he denied there was anything happening, he didn't think he could deny that he  _wanted_ something to happen - but thankfully David didn't ask that.

David nodded, accepting his friend's words at face value. They had been friends long enough, he trusted him to be a man of honor.

"So, Neal bailed on guys night by the way, apparently he has to work. Emma wanted me to let you know."

Killian scowled outwardly at the annoyance, but inside he was happy that he wouldn't have to be around Swan's boyfriend. He wasn't sure he could handle that right now. His emotions ran high after that simple questioning from David.

"So how are the lovely ladies, did they enjoy their afternoon?"

David smirked, "I think they had quite a lot of fun, and I feel like I should warn you - they are both armed and dangerous now. Sharp nails, and gun skills."

"Ah, Swan took the fair Mary Margaret with her to  _Red's,_ did she? I would've enjoyed seeing that experience." Killian smiled at the thought.  _Red's_ was known to him, and the owner Ruby was very close to Emma after all these years - but he had also gotten to know her. He had taken a few courses there, for gun safety and the like.

David just shrugged, "I'm surprised she hadn't convinced Mary Margaret to go before now, Emma's been going to that place since it was legal for her to practice - at least since she was fifteen. I think she finds solace in it, and not even Neal is allowed to go with her."

Killian wondered at that, Emma never taking the supposed love of her life to something she held so dearly. He found himself dreaming - hoping - that she'd bring him one day. He shook his head, such a silly though, since Emma was never going to trust him more than her boyfriend of nearly 6 years.

David continued, "I suppose it was better than the other option - Neal was always getting her into trouble in school and minor skirmishes with the law. I'm always surprised she kept her grades up well enough to get into school here. He's calmed down a bit since then, thankfully."

Killian growled at the thought of Neal getting Swan in trouble - a man should watch out for his lady, not wade her into danger.

"Ah well, we all have to grow up sometime. Now shoo, if we're not having our guys night I'll go back to my book." Killian went back to lay on the couch as David laughed.

"Okay, Grandpa Jones."

When David walked back into his room, Killian dropped the book on his chest and let out a ragged breath. That had been close. It wasn't as if he didn't feel he could tell David of his thoughts, but they were too new - too scary - to put words to just yet. He didn't want to risk the friendship they had unless he was sure.

And Swan was going to be a risk. Killian didn't find himself scared of that, though. What was love without a little bit of risk?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Oh my goodness! I'm sorry for the delay, those of you who PM'd me about it thank you - just fyi, I got distracted with work and grad school papers (and OUAT returning, oh my goddddd), but I'm back in the swing of things now! Even when I wasn't writing, I was still listening to the Spotify playlist (PM me if you want the code for it!) I created for this story and it was continuously inspiring me as I drove to different places. 
> 
> This chapter was a bit less intense for our two lovelies, but I want to keep this story as real as possible. Plus, next chapter is...well, intense for them. Hope you enjoyed this, getting back into the swing of things!
> 
> See you soon! If you don't already and would like to, come find me at tumblr - user name caishakalianah. I rant a lot, and you'll find a bit more updates on when I'm writing, etc.!
> 
> ~Caisha


	8. The Halloween Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's Once Upon a Time's intellectual property.

_**"The world is changed because you are made of ivory and gold. The curves of your lips rewrite history."** _

_**-The Picture of Dorian Gray** _

"So, let's talk." Mary Margaret started off with the three most dreaded words anyone could ever hear, and Emma steeled herself for another ambush. "What are your thoughts on Halloween this year?"

Emma let out the breath she had been holding and laughed softly as she sat at the kitchen island in their apartment, legs swinging above the ground. "I'm not really sure; did you have any plans for yourself?"

Personally, Emma absolutely adored Halloween and it was the one holiday she looked forward to every year. Some would call that odd - it's not even really a holiday, nor is it a happy one - but to Emma it was. It is the only holiday that is free of bad memories and familial obligations.

"Oh I'm definitely going as Robin Hood," Mary Margaret stated emphatically.

"Like cross dressing Robin Hood or like the female version?" Emma arched her brow at the idea.

"Definitely female version. I'm really enjoying archery, and he  _is_ one of the most famous archers in our history you know!"

Emma snorted, "David definitely has to go as the Sheriff of Nottingham then. Make him be your villain!"

Mary Margaret clapped her hands, "Oh! That's such a good idea - he can have a sword, David  _loves_ swords! And I can chase him around with my bow and arrow." She grinned as she smacked the counter, "It is decided! Let me know when you decide on your costume and Neal's."

Emma smiled as Mary Margaret walked back into her bedroom. She had lied to her earlier; Emma knew what she was dressing up as, but wasn't sure how to explain the reasoning behind it. She didn't have to worry about Neal, who never dressed up for these things - he thought it was ridiculous.

* * *

Emma paced along the cement in front of her apartment building, the early morning dew still resting on the grass, her phone pressed against her ear as she argued. "Neal! You  _promised._ You said you would come this year! You  _know_ how important this is to me." Her voice carried even though she was trying to keep her anger down and not wake anyone up. That's why she was outside rather than in her apartment - so she could yell if she needed to.

"Babe, Halloween is fucking lame, I'm not going." Emma felt tears welling up in her eyes. She knew to everyone else it was really stupid to find the holiday so important - but when she was younger, it was the only time she could escape for a night from the children's homes and just be whatever she wanted. No one ever asked her where she was spending the holiday, or what family she was eating with, or what gifts she got for Christmas. They just smiled at the pretty girl in her princess costume or scary mask and gave her candy, without questioning where her parents were.

She didn't want to have to explain it to Neal  _again_  - he would always laugh at her fixation on the holiday, even when they were in high school. Tears welled up, "Neal, you won't even go just to humor me? I don't ask for much...just this one night please!"

"Sorry babe, I'm just going to pick up the night shift at Gold's." Emma angrily pushed the end button and moved to brace her back against the brick building, choking back a sob. It was stupid, really. She knew that Neal was right, but what was the harm in humoring her?  _"Dammit!"_ She yelled out, voice full of her unshed tears.

At that moment, Killian was jogging down the stairs in shorts and a t-shirt, clearly ready for a morning workout. He heard a sob from the side of the stairwell and saw Emma's profile, splotchy face and wetness running down her cheeks. He walked over and just put his hand on her shoulder, "Emma."

She must have known it was him somehow, because she didn't pull away, just stiffened slightly at the contact. After a few moments she relaxes and tilts her head back, eyes closed. They stood like that for a few minutes, and Killian never took his hand off, just squeezed her shoulder every time she sucked back another sob, letting her have her moment without making it awkward. He knew his Swan wanted to pretend it wasn't happening.

She finally turns towards him; most of the sobbing had subsided, and tilts her face up to look at his.

Killian took this as an opportunity, "What's wrong, Swan?" He stared at her eyes, slightly puffy, and every time she sniffled his heart squeezed a bit more.

Abruptly, she glared at him and backed away, leaving his hand in the air. "What do you care, Jones?"

He put both his hands up in a gesture of surrender, "Hey now Swan, when have I ever given you cause to think I don't care if you're alone crying?"

Emma just stared at him, her sadness at Neal being transferred to anger at Killian for just  _being_ there, yet again, in her time of emotional need. What he was saying was true - he had always been there, for some reason, and never gave her any particular reason to not trust him. She just didn't - trust him, that is. He was so different around her; it was hard to reconcile the two sides she saw.

Finally she huffed, and explained, "Neal won't go tonight to the Halloween party, and I've really been looking forward to it. Now I have to tag along with Mary Margaret and David and be their third wheel. Kind of sucks, really."

Killian smiled, and moved to talk, but she continued. "I know people think it's really stupid, but I really...Halloween is my favorite holiday, you know? Always has been since I was a little girl. I got upset, because he should know better. I just…"

"I understand, Swan. He's an asshole who should know better. You've been together for almost six years, either he doesn't know how important it is, or doesn't care - either way, it's bad form really." Killian smiled at the way she jumped a bit, probably about to defend Neal, but he continued. "As it were, I had plans on attending the party myself and I humbly offer my escort services." He bowed at the end, waiting for the eye roll.

There it is! Right on cue, Emma rolled her eyes and laughed a bit, "You sure your extracurricular activities won't be harmed by bringing someone to the party? The ladies might get jealous."

Instead of laughing it off the way she had anticipated, he just stared at her intently. "Swan, it would be the utmost honor to be your escort, and yours alone."

She blinked slowly at his sudden seriousness, then smiles, "So what are you dressing up as?"

He winked, "Guess you'll just have to be surprised darling! I'll pick you up around 9 tonight, sound good?"

Emma nodded and watched as he took off jogging to their apartment's gym. She wasn't really sure if it was a good idea - him taking her to the Halloween party - especially considering the disaster of the last one they had attended together, but he was obviously making an effort to be friends again.

She owed it to him to try as well.

* * *

_Three Years Earlier - Fall, 2010_

She adjusted her ankle-length basket skirt, turning it around to get the front side just right. It was a beautiful brown, and went well with her simple peasant blouse that had just slight flower embroidery at the top. Emma Swan was the epitome of an earth-wandering hippie tonight, and she had spent weeks scouring local shops to get the accents  _just right._ Even down to the flowers in her hair and braids around her head.

It was Halloween. Emma  _loved_ Halloween. There was just something about it, something that no one ever understood but her.

Mary Margaret and David were on either side of her, looking warily at the fraternity house that was just across the street from their dorm - but most importantly was off campus. Very fortuitous for just such occasions. She had talked them into coming tonight, and she knew they were unsure. This would be their first official college party.

Neal was supposed to be swinging by later, after his shift ended, and David's roommate Killian had took off on his own tonight. Good thing, too, because Emma wasn't really sure she liked him very much and didn't want him to ruin her favorite holiday.

They walked in through the open door, the full force of the music hitting them abruptly. She sees Mary Margaret's face light up unexpectedly and she tugs David to the open area to dance. Emma is much more uncomfortable, suddenly - maybe she should have gone with the Wonder Woman costume to give her strength.

There were so many people, at various stages of drunkenness, the smell of smoke lingering in her nostrils. She shook her head and walked over to the kitchen where drinks were being served. She handed the red solo cup she had received at the door to the guy overseeing the drinks - she assumed it was a pledge from the fraternity.

He grabbed her cup and filled it with sangria. She turned her nose up a bit at it, but shrugged and drank deeply. He looked at her for a moment before moving on to the next person.

"Careful what you drink around here, Emma. You don't want to find yourself passed out in one of the upper rooms."

She froze at that voice and turned around, glare already on her face. "Jones. I'm pretty sure I know how to take care of myself - orphan, remember? Foster system doesn't raise innocents."

Her glare was wiped away and replaced with a goofy smile as she burst out laughing when she saw his costume. He was in the most ridiculous mixture of Jack Sparrow and Captain Hook - lacking Sparrow's locks, but definitely had a fake hook on his left hand. "What...are….you…. _wearing?"_ She huffed out in between fits of laughter.

Killian feigned being wounded at her laughter, clasping his hooked hand to his chest. "I am a pirate, my fair maiden Swan, don't you recognize me? And just between you and me, the ladies have loved it tonight." He winked at her as she continued smiling at him - sure, it was  _at_ him and his silliness, but at least she was smiling. "It's good to see you smile, Emma. You're always scowling when I'm nearby."

"Probably because you deserve it," quipped Emma. The alcohol was working its way through her system, and she felt herself flushing a bit though it wasn't any hotter than it was before. She walked over to get a refill and Killian just watched her sip her drink silently.

"So where are the lovebirds?" Killian asked.

"Oh they're over there, dancing. Apparently Mary Margaret is actually quite a fan of Pitbull." Emma smiled as she brought the cup to her lips. David and Mary Margaret had wasted no time getting together - it had barely been two months, but they were already so deeply in love that Emma wasn't sure they could see straight.

"What about your own lovebird, Neal is it?"

She rolled her eyes, "You know very well his name is Neal, but he should be coming soon - just got off work and is on his way."

Killian nodded, and grabbed her hand, pulling her outside to the backyard where several ping pong tables were set up. It was practically in every fraternity's charter that they must always own at least three ping pong tables - for practice, of course.

"What do you say, Emma? Fancy a game? You and me, for keeps." He waggled his eyebrows at her and she rolled her eyes.

He took that as a yes, and walked over to the only free table and started setting up the cups.

"Hey man, why don't you and your girl there play against us?" A voice to the side interrupted the set up and Killian looked at the other couple and then back to Emma.

She chose for him, "You're on."

Killian grinned - his little Swan was quite the spitfire, and had a thirst for competition evidently; he would have to remember that.

Each side set up the pyramid cups and Emma walked over with a couple of beers and began filling them up. She had never actually played beer pong before, but figured it wouldn't be the hardest game if it was meant for drunken people.

She stood next to the other girl who turned to her before they started and asked her if Killian was her boyfriend. Emma laughed and shook her head; what a silly thing to say.

By the end of the first round, Killian had somehow managed to make the girl drink three cups already, but Emma hadn't made any. She only had to drink one cup the next one, though; she made up for this by landing the ball in one of the corner cups.

It was pretty back and forth, and Killian kept trying to drink the beer but Emma would swat his hand away, claiming it was her job since he kept getting all the points for them. He shook his head, making a note to watch her the rest of the evening.

They only had one cup left and somehow Killian's ping pong ball had skidded off the table, which left Emma with a potential moment of glory. She aimed the ball, her tongue sticking out slightly in concentration and bounced it gently - into the last remaining cup. She squealed and jumped up and down.

Killian grinned at her alcohol-filled exuberance and picked her up and twirled her around. Setting her down, he looked at her, "You know, I don't mean to upset you Emma but I think we make quite the team."

She smirked at him, eyes glazed over and she pushed away, pulling out her phone to check where Neal was - he definitely should've been there by now.

She had a missed call and a voicemail from him, and listening to it took away all the happiness from their victory just earlier.

Killian watched her face fall, and assumed Neal wouldn't be joining them. He couldn't find it in himself to be too upset, as he was enjoying the Emma who didn't glare at him constantly for any good reason.

She walked right past him, going back inside and he saw her heading straight for the kitchen again. He found her rummaging through the cabinet and pulling out a bottle of rum, filling her cup with it.

"Emma, lass, don't you think you've had enough alcohol for the evening? Let's get you some water or something, you need to pace yourself." Killian was more than a little concerned - he knew she was obviously upset, and didn't want her feeding her sorrows even more.

She tugged her arm away from his and heard the music turn from trance techno to top 40 pop - she gasped and set down the bottle as Killian just watched her suddenly start popping out lyrics and dance moves. He had to smile, glad for the rescue - from  _Ke$ha_ no less.

He listened to her sing the entire opening chorus of  _Tik Tok_ \- apparently she wakes up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy, he smirked internally.

A small punch to his chest brought him back to looking at her, she had kicked him with her bare - when did she lose her shoes? - feet.  _I'm talking - pedicure on our toes, toes_

_Tryin on all our clothes, clothes_

_Boys blowing up our phones, phones_

She waved her phone in the air and he was afraid she'd throw it across the room and grabbed it out of her hand. She didn't seem to notice and kept dancing, in her own little sangria-beer-rum filled world.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and looked back at David, "Hey man, can you make sure she gets home alright? Mary Margaret isn't feeling too well so I'm taking her back to our room."

Killian nodded, "Yeah sure man, she's just working out a few issues right now, we'll leave soon enough and I'll watch her."

David thanked him and ushered Mary Margaret, who was beginning to look quite pallid, out of the house.

He felt fingers running down his chest and Emma leaned in to whisper the next line, "Now the party don't start til I walk in." Leaving him a bit hot and stunned, she flips back and continues dancing, apparently unaware of how alluring she was at the moment.

Killian knew she was drunk, but that just meant he could openly watch her without her questioning why. She was gorgeous, and over the past few months he had tried desperately to not be alone with her - it was too much to handle and still be the good guy his brother had taught him to be. If only Liam knew just how hard it was to stay the good guy right now, though, he might reconsider his teachings.

He heard the song start to fade and he grabbed her hand, pulling her into the edge of the open living room, which had been converted into a dance floor for the evening.

Ludacris' voice came on, introducing the song, and Killian laughed at how appropriate it was right then. He twirled Emma around, and she was strangely willing as she kept looking at him and licking her lips.

Taio Cruz took over with the beginning of the song and Killian turned Emma to face him and started moving to the beat.

_Now listen to me baby_

_Before I love and leave ya_

_They call me heart breaker_

_I don't wanna deceive ya_

Emma sobered slightly, listening to the lyrics, she was just standing there watching him move and asked if he was the heart breaker. He just shook his head and placed his hands on her hips, gently nudging her to start dancing again.

_If you fall for me_

_I'm not easy to please_

_I might tear you apart_

_Told you from the start, baby from the start_

_I'm only gonna break break your, break break your heart_

He turned Emma around and she pressed her back against his chest as he sang in her ear.

_There's no point trying to hide it_

_No point trying to evade it_

_I know I got a problem_

_Problem with misbehaving_

She surprised him by moving against him, the hands on her hips only serving as a guide as they sunk low to the music, his voice surrounding her, the slight accent to his words were sending chills down her spine.

When Ludacris took over, she turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck and looked into his eyes.

_See I'm not tryin to lead you on, no I'm only tryin to keep it real_

She surprised him again by shifting her lower body between his right leg, his hands shifting to her ass in response, silently encouraging her as she started to grind herself against him. Their bodies were melded together at that point, rolling in time with the song, but neither of them paying attention to the lyrics anymore.

_I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold_

_Like a big bad wolf I'm born to be bad and bad to the bone_

_If you fall for me I'm only gonna tear you apart_

Emma finally pulled herself out of her head where she had spent the last few minutes enjoying the feel of Killian's body against hers. She had thought the skirt was a good addition, but now she was almost cursing the flimsy fabric - she felt every rough edge as he pushed her hips against his leg. She could hear his soft groans as her body put pressure on his very apparent erection.

She lifted her eyes up to meet his, and saw the lust and passion in them - his mouth open a little, breathing heavily and not just from the dancing. She tugged his neck down with the arms that were wrapped around it, meeting his lips eagerly. Emma could feel the surprise in his body, but it was fleeting as he took over the kiss.

Killian immediately dominated, his tongue seeking hers as she opened her mouth without any pressure. She moaned as he sucked on her tongue and her hands went into his hair, gripping it tightly - Killian's snarl at that movement made her grind herself harder onto him, trying to climb up his body even though they were vertical.

He took this as a cue and grabbed her ass and lifted her up, her legs wrapping around him - all thought of the other dancers and parties around them forgotten. He turned and settled her against the wall, his hands wrapping around her waist as his kept her pinned.

He broke off the kiss and moved to her neck, suckling it and running his tongue along her collarbone. He felt her nails drag down his loose shirt, and smiled against her neck as she found the opening and gasp as she felt the muscles in his back that were moving with the effort of grinding her into the wall.

Killian brought his mouth away, reveling in the feeling of her hands against his skin. He was so caught up in the moment, in the feel of her - his Swan, golden and beautiful - an absolute goddess. He wasn't sure how he kept himself away from her for so long.

He felt a tug at his hair and saw her pout and laughed to kiss it away, licking along her lips, biting the bottom of her already red and bruised lip.

Emma ran one hand down the front of his pants, untying the laced up leather of his costume and slipping her hand in to find his cock.

They gasped simultaneously as she grabbed it. Abruptly Killian pulled away from her lips and pulled her legs from his hips and set her on the ground and back away panting. He was just staring at her, completely stunned at how far he let them take this. He knew better - she was drunk, hurting from Neal's abandonment, and would definitely regret this in the morning.

As soon as Emma saw Killian avoiding her questioning stare, her body was washed over with the cold feeling of being unwanted. She pushed against him and ran outside into the empty street.

"Emma, wait!" Killian called out, cursing himself for being so stupid.

"WHAT? WHY WOULD I WAIT FOR YOU, YOU ASSHOLE?" She ran at him and pounded on his chest, but he could see the tears in her eyes.

"You're drunk, love. I wouldn't be a good man if I had let that go any further when you were like that." Killian kept his voice soft, and if Emma had been sober she would have noticed the breaks in it.

She looked into his wounded face, "You sleep with everyone else, why not me?"

Killian raised his hand and brushed it along her face and along her collarbone where just minutes ago his mouth and tongue were. He was afraid of baring his heart to a woman who would probably not remember it - or care - in the morning, so he kept his silence and hoped his actions would show her she was loved and cared for. "I just don't want to see you get hurt, Emma."

"Oh really? I thought you had said you  _weren't_ the heartbreaker - guess you were lying to me then, too." She turned and started walking to their dorm, but stumbled against one of the cars.

Killian rushed up to her and picked her up, holding her against his chest. She pushed initially, but then accepted his help. "Pirates were all womanizers and whores, that's what you are. It's an appropriate costume for someone who uses women with no regards for their feelings." She said the words, but felt no anger behind them - just resignation.

Killian gulped down the words, knowing it would be easier for her if she felt that way about him. He sighed and continued carrying her, pulling her tight to his chest and he felt sobs rolling out against it.

A few minutes later, he was standing in front of her door, pulling out the key from around her neck and entered, laying her down on the small twin bed. Her tears had subsided, and he went up to wet a wash cloth and came back to sit next to her, cleaning off her tears and brushed her hair back from her face.

Emma just watched all this in silence before asking, "Why don't you find me attractive?"

Killian just smiled, "That's not the problem, love. You're a siren - calling me to my death and I can't ignore your call when I'm close. My only hope is to stay away. I tasted you tonight, but you were wrapped up in rum and heartsickness. I want you, when you make your choice, to be fully aware of it."

She frowns at him, but is too tired to respond and her eyes drift close. He leans down to kiss her forehead gently, and pulls her blanket over her, with the embroidered name  _Emma_ in ribbons.

He stood there for a few minutes watching her sleep peacefully before reaching behind his neck and unclasping the necklace that had stayed around his neck for the past 13 years. It was something his mother had given to him, a pendant of the Archangel Raphael; she said it would guide him to love - and at five years old, he believed her whole heartedly, but had laughed it off in his teen years.

Now, looking at Emma, he understood what his mother was trying to tell him - Raphael, the patron of Love, watched over him, and guided him clearly to Emma - his siren.

He set the necklace down on the desk behind Emma's head, and took paper and a pen from the shelf.

_Emma,_

_Keep this close to you, and love will always guard you._

_Always,_

_Killian_

He pressed a kiss to it and with one last look at Emma, left the room.

* * *

_Present, Fall 2013_

Killian knocked on the ladies' apartment shortly before nine, fidgeting slightly - suddenly uncomfortable with his choice of costume. It was supposed to be ironic, but now that he was escorting Emma he found himself desperately hoping the costume gave him the courage he would need tonight. They hadn't spent Halloween together since freshman year.

The door opened and he saw Emma standing there in various shades of gold, teal, and blue - looking every bit the mermaid/Greek-Goddess. He smiled genuinely, "Swan."

She smiled back and waved him in, having already resolved to eliminate most of the awkwardness they seemed to have had the past few months. She had promised to keep tension low when they were together, she didn't need another Mary Margaret - or heaven forbid - David interrogation.

"I like your costume, Captain, but don't you think that's a bit...inappropriate?" She waved to his all-American red, white, and blue Captain America costume - complete with shield, naturally. "I would have pegged you for an Iron Man, personally."

He smiled ruefully, "My dear Swan, don't you know? Halloween is about living the dream - not dressing as who you are!"

She agreed, "True enough, that's why I'm dressed as a Siren tonight. Luring men to their deaths is a favorite fantasy of mine!"

Killian's eyes sparked in recognition, he had called her that many years ago - and the truth had not changed since then. "That's not a dream for you, Swan - that's reality. You are the very existence of a Siren."

Emma blushed as his statement, "Thanks, but maybe you should save those lines for women who are interested tonight."

He disagreed, but acquiesced all the same. Killian gestured for them to go, and held the door as she left the apartment.

* * *

They entered the bar, which had been turned into a haunted house complete with fake webs, coffins, scream tape interlaced with the pounding music, an apple bobbing station, and anything else you can think of. David knew how to market, and Halloween was a big night for bars - costume contests galore!

Emma's hand was on Killian's forearm as they walked to the bar to get their first drink. They wandered around, laughing and talking about everyone's costumes - some were the other Avengers, and of course Killian took pictures with them - others were the standard cleavage baring costumes. Others were classics like  _Three Hole Punch Jim_ and the Lion from the Wizard of Oz.

Killian felt a smack on his back as David finally found them, "Hey man, I definitely should have been Captain America - at least I have blonde hair. You're so wrong for the part."

Killian rolled his eyes good naturedly, and said hello to Mary Margaret, who was decked out in forest green with a plastic brown bow strapped across her back and a quiver peeking out over her shoulder. "Robin Hood?"

Mary Margaret smiled, "Yes, very good! You're the first person tonight to guess correctly. I suppose people aren't expecting a female one."

"Yeah well, at least it's not as bad as Killian's was freshman year." She snarked, and then immediately quieted and avoided his stare.

Killian was trying his best to not be affected by the mention of that night, but all he could do was remember the feel of her skin beneath his lips, the taste of her neck and tongue - the feel of her hands roaming up his back.

He blinked and looked back to find that Emma was staring at him once more, and he saw her lick her lips and stare at his. He knew she was caught up in the memory as well.

"Excuse me, I'm going to head to the ladies room." She scurried away and Killian followed her, not even bothering to come up with an excuse.

He found her hiding against the wall in front of the women's bathroom, "I'm surprised you remember that, Swan. I had thought you had forgotten - you certainly treated me as if you had."

Her eyes blazed in outrage, " _I_ treated you poorly? Hah! What a joke - you were the one who stopped-"

"You were DRUNK, SWAN! What was I supposed to do, have my way with you when you weren't fully capable of making decisions? You were drunk! I stopped because of that,  _not because I didn't want you."_

Emma huffed, clearly not believing him - but he was used to that and so he sighed and offered an olive branch. "Look, Swan. It's our last year, what do you say we put aside our history and attempt a friendship? Let's try something new."  _I'll take what I can get of you,_ Killian thought desperately.

She watched him, mulling over his offer when he suddenly smiled, "You were thinking of me when you chose this costume, weren't you? My little Siren." He flicked her hair back over her shoulder and saw her blush.

"A pirate knows how to deal with you Sirens, lass. You should be careful the next time you rib on a man's costume!"

She rolled her eyes and playfully shoved him, "Alright,  _fine._ Let's try this friends thing."

 _Step one,_ Killian thought as he pulled her into his arms for a hug. He felt her take a deep breath, digging her nose into his chest as he did the same to her hair.  _My little Swan-Siren._

Emma pushed away and smiled, walking into the ladies' room.

Killian strolled back with confidence to where Mary Margaret and David were watching him, David raising his eyebrow in question.

He just shrugged, "Emma and I have decided to work on our friendship for the sake of the group."

Mary Margaret tsked in disapproval behind David, but Killian was far too pleased with himself to care very much about the reason right then.

Because his Swan, Emma, had agreed to open herself to his friendship.

 _And what is love, but friendship set on fire?_ He grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: phew. okay. so just fyi, in case you didn't know, the songs were Tik Tok by Ke$ha and Break Your Heart by Taio Cruz and Ludacris. They were popular songs during their freshman year (2010) and I felt they were well suited for these moments! I have had a similar moment with Break Your Heart, so no one go tell me that isn't realistic.
> 
> Only one person commented on the pendant from the earlier chapter, I was expecting more questions about it, but I hope that answered it partly ;D I'm looking forward to your thoughts, I struggled a lot with this chapter in order to get the right feelings and actions from our two idiots and I hope I did these incarnations justice to their story.
> 
> As always, let me know your thoughts! I don't have an ETA on the next chapter, so we'll play it by ear. Follow me on tumblr for updates if you're so inclined - caishakalianah, or else just PM me here!
> 
> ~Caisha


	9. The Boyfriend

**Disclaimer:** The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's  _Once Upon a Time's_ intellectual property.

**Half of My Heart**

**_"Words are easy, like the wind; Faithful friends are hard to find."_ **

_**-The Passionate Pilgrim** _

Emma rummaged through the hangers on her closet, muttering to herself. Neal was going to be there in just under an hour and she still hadn't decided what to wear. She wasn't sure what was wrong, but she felt a bit antsy - butterflies in her stomach that normally weren't there when they went out together. Maybe it was just the formality of it all - Neal had promised to make up for missing the Halloween party on Thursday by taking her out that weekend. Emma was positively giddy - they hadn't been out for months it felt like, not since she started the semester. It was understandable, but still hard after awhile.

"You should go with something red!" Mary Margaret yelled from the bed where she was laying, her head hanging off the side as she watched Emma go through her clothes. She hadn't seen Emma quite this excited about something so simple in a while, which could be sad depending on how you viewed it. Every girl needs a special outing just for them, and Emma deserved more than she got in that regard.

Mary Margaret couldn't blame them though, this semester had been difficult and with Neal starting the new job, he was gone a lot of evenings.

"I don't even have anything red!" Emma yelled, exasperated. She finally pulled down two dresses and walked into her bedroom, holding both up for scrutiny.

Mary Margaret flipped around on her stomach and looked between the two; either a charcoal leather dress - is it considered a dress if it's leather? - or a slinky dark blue sleeveless one.

"Where are you guys going?" She asked, figuring that knowing might help decide what avenue Emma went down.

"I don't know the name, but Neal said it was an Italian restaurant near where he works - apparently it's really good, but small and kitschy."

Mary Margaret hummed, "You should go with the leather, feels more like you right now."

"How do you figure?" Emma frowned slightly, the area between her eyebrows scrunching up in thought.

"I don't know," shrugged Mary Margaret. "Just does."

Emma nodded and began putting the dress on, cursing silently at the way the lining pulled against her chest. Mary Margaret smirked at the curses, and walked over to zip her up. She fluffed Emma's hair back, "Are you going to do anything special to your hair, or have you selected any jewelry?"

"No, I'm just going to leave it down. As for jewelry, I don't know - maybe those earrings he got me for my birthday last year?"

Mary Margaret smiled and nodded, sitting cross-legged on the bed once more. "So, have you talked to Killian recently?"

Emma started a bit at the seemingly innocent question; she knew it wasn't completely innocent - Mary Margaret and David both thought something weird was going on. "Not since Halloween, why?"

"Just curious, you guys seemed to be friendlier that night so I was hoping you had resolved whatever was going on." Mary Margaret tried to keep her voice casual, but curiosity was getting the better of her.

Emma shrugged, "We are, but that doesn't mean we're suddenly talking every day - it's only been a few days. Besides, why do you suddenly care?" She was cautious in her answer, because while it was true that they had more or less tentatively decided to start fresh as friends she still didn't quite trust him or think that it would ever develop into true friendship.

"Just making conversation," Mary Margaret plucked at a thread on the blanket she was laying on.

Emma hummed, but left it at that as she snapped the earring back into place. Turning towards Mary Margaret she gestured her hand up and down across her body, "Well? How do I look?"

"Nope! You know the drill, you have to twirl. It is tradition."

Sighing good-naturedly, Emma did a small twirl for her best friend.

"You look stunning! It looks like your mascara smudged just a bit though, your long eyelashes aren't doing you any favors right now. One second, I'll go grab something to fix it." Mary Margaret held up her hand and dashed into the bathroom to grab a q-tip and some makeup remover. As she shook up the bottle, she noticed a new necklace on the counter. She picked it up and saw that it was an oval shaped Saint pendant. It had to be Emma's - no one else had been in there. Shrugging, she walked back into the bedroom.

As Mary Margaret finished swabbing Emma's under eye of the faint black smudges, there was a series of knocks at their door. Emma's face broke into a grin and told Mary Margaret to go let him in as she got her shoes on.

Mary Margaret opened the door to a Neal with a shy smile on his face and a bouquet of flowers in his hand. She just smiled and gestured him inside.

Emma walked out to meet him and frowned briefly at the flowers, as if surprised to see them, but immediately switched to a grin as she noticed Neal's slight nervousness. "Wow, it's like you've never taken a girl on a date before."

Neal ducked his head a bit, "Well, you know, I'm still thinking you're upset with me and I don't know how to deal with that."

"We've been together like five years and you don't know how to deal with me when I'm upset?" Emma raised her eyebrow at him, but he just shook his head and thrust the flowers at her. She smiled and bent in to kiss his cheek before walking to the kitchen to grab a vase.

She could hear Neal's shuffling as she prepared it, "So you uh, ready to go?"

"Sure." Emma waved goodbye to Mary Margaret and walked out the front door that Neal was holding open for her.

He rushed ahead of her once they reached the ground floor, to unlock the bug and help her inside. It was a small gesture, but Emma appreciated the thoughtfulness - Neal wasn't normally like this, and she wondered what was up.

* * *

"So I walk in one night, and the guy actually has a fucking wooden wheel thing, like for spinning thread? You know what I'm talking about?" Neal asked.

"Like a spindle, like the one from Sleeping Beauty?"

"YEAH! That's what it was, anyway I walked in expecting it to be empty since the shop was closed and we were just switching out shifts in the back, when I flipped on the lights and saw the dude actually spinning thread. What is that?! It's 2013, not 1529." Neal slapped the table laughing, causing the wine in the glasses to jostle a bit.

Emma smiled, enjoying his enthusiasm. "That does seem a bit unusual - but you  _did_ say he was eccentric so I supposed we shouldn't really be surprised."

Neal nodded, smile on his face, "So what about you? How are classes going - midterms yet?"

"Yeah, midterms were over a few weeks ago," Emma noted sadly. Her boyfriend didn't even remember why she had been missing so much the past two weeks - studying for the tests. "But I've been working a lot with my adviser - he's helping me prepare for the LSATs."

"When are you taking those, then?"

"There's a test in early December, which will be my one shot really since I didn't want to do the one earlier in the semester. I'm starting my study regimen next week, though." Emma watched Neal's face as she delivered the news that she'd be spending more of her time at the library, knowing how much he hated that.

"Ah, well that's...that's good." Neal rubbed the back of his neck, and Emma could tell he was just trying to keep the situation light and away from her time commitment issues.

Emma grabbed his hand that was laying on the table, "Hey, this is just one of those periods in life where school is the full time commitment. I know it isn't ideal, but we'll move past this right?"

Neal rubbed his thumb across her hand, "I know we will, but it just feels like lately even when you're here...you're not with me."

Emma's heart stopped momentarily, wondering if he was seeing things as Mary Margaret and David had. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I'll always be here, with you. We've been together too long to give up now, yeah?"

Neal nodded, bringing her hand to his lips. "Of course, always."

Taking her hand back, she shifted gears. "Good news is, Christmas is going to be great! I'm really looking forward to the break."

Neal started laughing, "Yeah, I remember how Christmas is especially fond to you - accomplice to your very first felony!"

"It was not a felony!" Emma started, laughing a bit.

"It damn well was, Emma. You just stood there as I hot wired a yellow bug just because you thought it looked cute." He punched her arm a bit, "You were so cute at sixteen. I can't imagine that you'd choose me over the others."

Emma cleared her throat; while she acknowledged her less than pristine history with Neal and the law, she wasn't completely comfortable joking about it - now that she was legal, she had to work twice as hard to get over all the stigma that came with being a juvenile offender, even if her records were sealed.

"Well, I'm going to be a lawyer now, so we'll have to dot our I's and cross our T's from now on!" She quipped.

Neal cleared his throat, "Ah, yeah...sure, of course babe."

Their dessert arrived - scrumptious tiramisu, Emma's favorite dessert. The sweet taste of chocolate and coffee mixed with the texture of the ladyfingers made for a delicious end to the evening.

As they were walking back up the stairs to her apartment, Emma's mind ran through the evening. Neal was surprisingly attentive and affectionate, and she felt his apology for Halloween in his every gesture. She wished he was like that more, but she would take what she could get. She felt guilty to ask for anything more while he was so stressed out about the lack of time she was committing to their relationship.

She unlocked the door and walked in, Neal following her. He latched it shut and turned around, putting his lips on hers. Emma accepted the gentle kiss, but broke it off after a few moments and looked into his eyes.

"Tell me you'll always be there for me, even when the road gets bumpy like now. I need to know you'll never leave me." She kept brushing the back of his neck with her fingers, face anxious.

He just smirked, "Don't be so sappy, Emma. What kind of question is that?" And at that he dragged her into her bedroom.

* * *

Killian fumbled with the over sized bag he had slung across his chest, trying to pull out the key he had received yesterday. He cursed the fact that the library still used an archaic key system, and vowed to donate money for technological upgrades upon his graduation. He finally snatched at the brown leather string that was attached to the key and pulled it out, victoriously shouting.

He was immediately shushed by what appeared to be a freshman girl at the table near the entrance, and he looked at her with his eyebrows raised and she just jerk her head back to her book.

"NO! Are you kidding me? I've had it reserved for  _two weeks._ I even confirmed yesterday!"

Killian turned towards the loud voice, amused that the woman wasn't getting shushed by the freshman at his right. He walked towards the desk where a lithe blonde in jeans and a leather jacket stood. Her hair was in a ponytail, and while Killian enjoyed it down so he could play with the locks, he certainly appreciated the aesthetics - and her visible neck.  _All the better to kiss, my dear._ He laughed at his own joke, and Emma turned around and fixed him with a glare that silenced him immediately.

"What are  _you_ doing here?" Emma growled out, not happy at him seeing her so riled up.

"Studying, of course! I decided to take a page out of your book and spend some time here. It is my last year after all. I think the more interesting question is why are you so riled up?" He gestured to the librarian who was watching them apprehensively. She didn't seem to know what to do with Emma's situation.

"I'm trying to get into the study carousel room  _that I had an appointment for."_ She threw a look towards the librarian, "But apparently they lost the appointment so now I'm stuck with the general populace and I really really need absolute silence to focus on this."

"So our corner is out of the question, then?" Killian asked, looking at her with amusement.

"We have a corner?" Emma started, and then remembered the only other time he'd come to the library was with her on the third floor. She shook her head, "No, I had planned for more space and the sound proofing."

Killian chuckled a bit, he didn't realize she needed such silence in order to study, but she was clearly a bit more frazzled - probably not just from this situation, knowing her; not that she'd be telling him anytime soon. "Well, you're welcome to join me in mine." He held up the brass key to the room he had reserved for the rest of the year, "That is, if you can deign to be in the same room with me." He winked.

Emma's mouth dropped a little bit, staring at his face - trying to gauge his intentions. She finally agreed, quietly, and gathered her things. If they were going to be friends, they had to start by not being awkward around each other; even though she felt it was probably more her feeling awkward than anything else.

Killian smiled, watching her pick up her bags; he would've offered to carry them, but knew Emma was more likely to glare at him for it than anything else and didn't want to push his good fortune.

He gestured to the elevator and she brushed past him, leaving a scent of vanilla and violet on his nose. He breathed it in deeply before he was snapped out of it by a loud throat clear. Killian looked over at her, holding the elevator door for him with a quizzical expression, "Sorry Swan, just lost in my own thoughts." He got in beside her and as the doors closed she asked him what he was doing there, all the while refusing to look at him - apparently finding the metal doors much more compelling.

"Ah well, turns out senior year isn't all puppy dogs and rainbows - there's quite a bit of intensive studying I have to do in order to prepare for my internship. Of course, that's assuming I get it." Killian's voice dropped at the last statement, as if he wasn't completely sure of himself.

Emma looked at him, moving to reassure him, but the elevator had arrived at the sixth floor and she stepped off. "So which one do you have reserved?" She gestured to the row of private rooms.

Killian handed her the key, "Last one on the right, lass."

She just grabbed it and marched to the room, unlocking the heavy door. While she thought the system was archaic - actual brass keys and heavy wooden doors, she still liked the aesthetic behind the rooms. The floors were actual hardwood, a deep brown that opened to a large window with a thick window bench. There were two chairs and one large table in the center.

"Wow, this seems...nicer than the others I've been in, what's up with that?" She looked towards Killian, who suddenly looked slightly uncomfortable.

"Oh, just talked to one of the people that run the library and explained my situation. They seemed more than happy to set me up with this room. Apparently that's the only key aside from the cleaning crew's." He rubbed the back of his neck and placed his bag on the desk, pulling out several sketchpads and flimsy notebooks.

Emma just watched him, wondering why he wasn't being truthful with her. "There's more to it than that."

"What can I say, Swan? That's the truth." He flopped into the chair opposite of where she stood, and muttered, "Money can make a surprising number of things happen."

He wasn't sure if she heard him or not, so he pulled out his tablet and stylus, bringing up his agenda for the day. He had several deadlines to hit, both for the internship and the program, and he didn't want to get distracted.

Emma watched him as she herself got settled in for a long study session. She had heard his quip about money, and while she knew he was fairly well off, she hadn't known he was  _that_ kind of wealthy. The kind that the phrase  _money speaks_ was born from. She wasn't surprised, except she was - at least at his embarrassment on the subject, as if he didn't want her to really know much about it.

"Penny for your thoughts?" His voice broke her out of her reverie, and she looked at him.

"I was just wondering why you looked so uncomfortable when you mentioned how you got the room so easily, the money thing…." She trailed off, the look in his face making her confused. He was looking at her as if she had just given him the most precious gift in the world.

"I don't feel comfortable talking about it, most people see me differently and it's not something I really want to focus on." Inside, he was positively giddy. She almost never engaged in conversation with him, usually it was full of glares and tension and charged moments; this time it was almost simple. It didn't seem like she was fully there, but she was trying to be his friend.

"I can understand that - we all have things we'd rather hide from people; they can make you seem different to the outside world, when in reality you are who you always have been to them." His sentiment resonated deeply with her, she never wanted to be seen as that poor little orphan foster child, abandoned by everyone who was supposed to care for her. She had moved on, found a new family in David and Mary Margaret and Neal, and didn't want people looking at her any other way.

"Indeed, but that begs the question - what are you hiding from people, Swan?" He looked at her intently, fingers absentmindedly spinning the pencil in his right hand.

Emma stared right back at him, then turned to her bag and pulled out her LSAT guide book.

Killian sighed and accepted the nonverbal communication, and went back to work.

Over the course of the next half hour, the room was filled with Emma's groans and huffs, and hair pulling. Killian had been studiously leaving her to her privacy, but after forty five minutes he finally broke. He threw his book on the table so it made a loud noise, startling Emma. "Okay, Swan. What's wrong?"

Emma groaned at the question and slammed her face into the open book on the desk. "Logic games are stupid." Her voice was muffled by the book, but she made no effort to change her position.

Killian found it adorable, even though she was so frustrated. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you're quite cute when you're stressed."

That did the trick, and Emma picked her head up just to scowl at his grinning face.

He took the opportunity to grab her study guide and find out for himself what these 'logic games' were. Apparently, it was a section on the Law School Admission Test (LSATs for short) that measured analytical reasoning; called logic games for short, they were basically scenarios where you had to map out the premise and answer questions based on relationships to said premise. Apparently, it was the hardest section and therefore the one requiring the most practice and preparation. No wonder his Swan was frustrated.

He ignored her now-curious looks as he took his pencil and ripped a piece of paper from his notebook, and started working on one of the examples.

_An advertising executive must schedule the advertising during a particular television show. Seven different consecutive time slots are available for advertisements during a commercial break, and are numbered one through seven in the order that they will be aired. Seven different advertisements – B, C, D, F, H, J, and K – must be aired during the show. Only one advertisement can occupy each time slot. The assignment of the advertisements to the slots is subject to the following restrictions:_

_B and D must occupy consecutive time slots._

_B must be aired during an earlier time slot than K._

_D must be aired during a later time slot than H._

_If H does not occupy the fourth time slot, then F must occupy the fourth time slot._

_K and J cannot occupy consecutively numbered time slots._

Ten minutes later, Emma was still watching him, his head bowed in intense scrutiny of the paper. Finally he raised his head and handed her the paper and the book. "Check it, see if I'm correct."

Emma blinked slowly and glanced at his paper that had answers to the six questions pertaining to the logic game. She flipped to the answer page and checked them; stilling, she looked up at him, "They're all right, how'd you do that?"

He smiled, not cockily, just acknowledging her shock, "What can I say, I'm good at abstract thinking?"

Her mouth continued to gape, Emma was not expecting him to be quite this prolific with school. She was smart, of course - obviously - but she had to work exceptionally hard at a lot of things. Killian seemed to take most things in stride, and if he worked hard it didn't show. She grudgingly admitted to being impressed.

Killian thought for a few moments before asking, "Is this something you would like help with? I don't mind tutoring you, helping you out with these things if that's something you would like…." He trailed off, not sure how she would take the offer. He wanted to help her as a friend, as he would any of his friends, but he wouldn't deny that the excuse to be with her more often - alone - was an encouraging thought.

Emma dropped her eyes from his and looked down at his perfectly mapped out logic game, weighing the pros and cons. Ultimately she admitted that she needed help, she was woefully under-prepared for this section and he seemed eager...and skilled. "Alright."

One little word was all it took for Killian to yelp in excitement, shifting from uncertainty to absolute giddiness. He was going to have a legitimate excuse to see her alone at least once a week - it was absolutely a gift from whatever was watching over him.

"So, when do you want to start, Swan?"

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Yeah, I ended it there. I have plans for the rest of their day and it made sense to blend it into another chapter instead of tacking it on to this one. This one's job was done =)

This one was less intense than the previous, because  _duh_  - hard to top that one in intensity! We're in for an interesting 4-5 chapters now, hope yall are ready. There will be more of Neal now, just a heads up. Not more than Killian, of course, but more than there has been previously.

As always, feel free to come poke me in PMs or on tumblr - caishakalianah is the url.

~Caisha


	10. The Study Carrel

**Disclaimer:** The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's  _Once Upon a Time's_ intellectual property.

**Half of My Heart**

_**"Who we are now is all that really matters."** _

_**-The Academie** _

Emma looked over at Killian, but not at his face - just at his hands; she had always assumed that the only skills he had were in drawing, thus the architecture degree. Architecture wasn't engineering, it didn't require in depth mathematical analysis - it was design and function and eloquence. He liked to draw, but wasn't an artist - he wanted to design; she also assumed that he had just gotten into this University - particularly an Ivy League university - with donations and not on his own merit.

She had barely received admission and her grades were miraculously flawless and she had a trouble background that made for good reading and guilt trips for the admissions council. David was just really good at standardized tests and wouldn't go anywhere without her.

So imagine her surprise when she finds out that not only was he physically in a library -  _for studying purposes_ \- that he also was capable of picking up and achieving something in ten minutes what she still struggled with in forty-five. She sighed, irritated, "Can we start now? I had three hours blocked off and apparently I'm going to need a lot more time on these than I had anticipated...help me get started, at least?"

Killian just smiled at her - no particular emotions behind it, just a simple smile - and nodded his head. He turned to rummage in the drawer under the table that held the dry erase markers and other various study aids and pulled out two colors. Turning back to her he saw her eyebrows raised in a silent question.

He bowed a little bit, "I always wanted to be a teacher, and you're fulfilling my dreams right now!"

Emma just rolled her eyes, "You did not want to be a teacher."

"Okay, maybe not, but I won't deny that I'm going to have fun with this." Killian shrugged and pointed towards the book. "So, what do you think these logic games are designed to test? Let's start there."

Emma leaned back in her chair, dropping the book on the table, "We're not going to start with the actual, you know,  _questions?"_

Killian shook his head, "Nope. You've read and reread the sections and questions and the game itself, and still are struggling with it. It is clear that you need a greater insight on the actual objective of the section itself."

Tilting her head, Emma just stared at him.

"Come on, lass, just have a little faith. If you don't like your progress you can drop me like a bad habit after today."

Emma smiled grudgingly, "Alright, fine. Wow me!" Crossing her arms, she answered his question. "The logic game section is to test your analytical skills."

"Well, yes, but technically all of them do, right? I'm no expert in the test, but I'd imagine most of the questions on a test for law school admissions revolve around analyzing various things."

She glared at him, "So, get to the point?"

Smiling at her annoyance, he went to sit on the window bench. "Emma, have you ever heard of the concept of  _Zen?"_

"No."

"In classes, have you ever not had an answer to the professor's question, even if you didn't speak it out loud?" Killian watched her, the confused wrinkle between her eyebrows making an appearance. He wondered if he was testing her patience, but was not going to pass up this opportunity to simultaneously help her and get to know her at the same time.

"Yes, I usually have the correct answer in my head." She huffed, clearly annoyed; she wasn't a know-it-all in the sense that she always had to  _say_ the answer, but she definitely always knew it.

"Can I ask you a question then?" Emma waved her hand to continue. "What is love?"

She opened her mouth in shock at the question, closing it again after a few moments. Killian just sat there watching her as she went through the stages - confusion, anger at the question, the struggle to come up with an answer, and the shock at not really knowing.

"I...I don't know how to define it." Emma finally answered as she leaned back towards the table, sitting up straight as if he had her attention now and not just her compliance.

"Right! That's an example of a Zen question - one that doesn't necessarily have a straight forward answer. Things that are to define, that have varying levels of explanation, or that change from person to person."

"So I'm not supposed to know?" She raised her eyebrow, silently calling bullshit.

"No, it's that the concept is supposed to be hard for you to explain - multiple layers to it."

Emma huffed, "Well, what's  _your_ answer then?"

"All in due time, Swan; let's focus on this though. You see, logic games are analytical, to be sure, but they have  _layers_ and multiple possibilities which is clearly why you're having such a problem with them. You are too linear in thinking," Emma opened up her mouth to argue the point, but Killian stopped her. "I'm not saying that's a bad thing! But as a lawyer you'll have to see the various options on the table, not just the obvious ones -  _that_ is what this section is testing. Your ability to see all the ways one problem could be solved or explained."

Killian uncapped the red marker and waved it around, continuing, "So, what is the first part then of any problem in this section?"

Emma looked down at her book and answered, "It's the setup, they're setting the scene of the problem."

He nodded, "Right, so they're telling you what is going on - in this problem, some guy has to order and sell various commercials but - as in real life - those commercial owners have certain stipulations. There are two car commercials and they can't be back to back, the promo has to either come in the middle or at the beginning or end, and so on."

"So, in this scenario the restrictions listed are like the ones the company puts on this executive? Got it, I understand the concept of the set up, but how do I answer the questions?"

To that, Killian held out the blue marker, "Bring the book and let's work through it on the board."

She went to stand by him, in front of a fairly small whiteboard on the wall and she felt her heart beat a little bit faster. Emma tried to tell the rushing of the blood to slow down, but he turned to look at her and she saw his lips moving. He smelled  _really_ good, she wondered what scent he wore if any.

Killian put his hand on her shoulder and shook it gently, snapping her out of her zone. "You alright there? Get dizzy standing up?"

Emma licked her lips, still watching his own, "No, I'm fine. Let's do this."

Ten minutes later, Killian had shown her how to translate the restrictions into simple letter symbols so she could easily reference them on the test without all the words tripping her up. != meant does not equal or isn't possible, = means must be true or interchangeable, and using - arrows to denote orders that have to happen. It took a while to get used to the concept, but Emma couldn't deny it would ultimately be easier and was amazed that he had done all this without any prior knowledge of testing strategies - who was this guy?

"So now that you have it all set up, we get to look at the questions - here's where your linear thinking is going to be difficult to overcome - you have to see all options and not get shoe horned into only one." He gestured to the book she was holding, "Read the first question to me."

"'Which of the following could be a possible list of the advertisements in the order that they are aired?' I actually already understand this one - it's just outlining each possibility based on logic and the restrictions. Next one?"

He nodded, "Okay, well which one did you think was the hardest to understand conceptually and we can start there?"

"Definitely the fourth one:

_If C is assigned to the third time slot, then each of the_

_following could be true EXCEPT:_

_(A) B is assigned to the fifth time slot._

_(B) D is assigned to the sixth time slot._

_(C) F is assigned to the fourth time slot._

_(D) J is assigned to the first time slot._

_(E) K is assigned to the second time slot._

Killian hummed, thinking about the best strategy for explaining. "Well, let's start with the simplest way - process of elimination. Why don't you work through the options with the parameter given - C must equal the third time slot - and then we'll work through the answers?"

Emma handed the book to Killian, who took it and moved to the window bench. He was in awe; she actually trusted him to work with her on something for her future. Watching her, he mourned that this was the first time they had actually ever interacted with something academic. Killian had seen the surprise on her face when he had proven his capabilities earlier, and instead of being wounded he took great pride in showing her the other side - the one that yearned for intellectual capacity and conversation.

Emma groaned and rolled her head on the whiteboard and Killian chuckled softly. She turned to him, "What's so funny! You're supposed to be  _helping_ me!"

His soft chuckles turned into full blown laughter as he saw her forehead, which was covered in smeared blue ink. "Swan, I  _am_ helping you. Also, you have some marker on your forehead, might want to clean it off."

She waved her hand, "No, let's finish this I'll wash it in the bathroom later."

Smiling at her stubbornness he moved towards her work. 'You're having problems thinking of any other options than just this one aren't you?"

Emma sighed, "Basically. I don't get it! That's the only option - having H in the fourth slot!"

"Read the rules again, do they really say 'H must be 4th'?"

"No...it says 'If H does not occupy the fourth time slot, then F must occupy the fourth time slot.' - how did I miss that?" Emma growled and went to sit on the table, pouting a little bit.

"You didn't 'miss it', Swan, you just didn't read far enough - you stopped at the first option and didn't move on to the next. You just have to remember that there are multiple options - remembering, logic games are Zen questions with multiple definitions and roads to go down."

"I'm beginning to see why everyone loathes these things on the test," Emma muttered. "So how are you so good at this then, you barely have any knowledge of the test?"

Killian just shrugged, "I'm more about concept and fluidity than lines and rigidness - my job requires me to see more than just one way or else we'd all be in very boring buildings and houses with no innovation. I guess my mind just works like this."

"Maybe you're the one who should be a lawyer," Emma joked.

"No, couldn't do it - believe it or not, you are a far better person than I could ever be."

"Being a lawyer isn't about being a good person - that's doctors."

"Maybe some lawyers, but I know you Swan, you'll want to be the type that goes after criminals and such. I would be the type defending them."

Emma watched his body language get more guarded as he talked. She had never seen him do anything overtly immoral or unlawful - compared with her less than pristine juvenile record he was a saint from her viewpoint.

Killian felt her eyes on him and shifted uncomfortably for once, "No matter, basically you will be a wonderful lawyer - you have the spirit for it. We just have to get you past this bloody test. Now, let's continue walking through the questions."

An hour later, they had finally finished with the first game and Emma was exhausted, "I didn't expect this to be  _that_ hard. The rest of the sections are just reading and positing a scenario like you do in any English class." She turned around and threw the book onto Killian's stomach.

Killian had long ago decided to lay down on the table - Emma was not the best student in terms of patience - and made a grunting sound when it landed, but otherwise didn't move his arm from his eyes as he responded. "Don't worry about it too much, Swan, that's why you're practicing - I'm sure most people focus on this section since it's a bit more complicated than others. Once you understand the concepts, it'll be easier to cut down on the time you spend with each one."

That was the crux of the matter; Emma was stressed out because it had taken an hour to do what she would have to do in 6-10 minutes. The LSAT's were a timed tested, and she didn't have much time per problem to actually do it properly. It was stressing her out already, leading to Killian's exasperation.

She pulled a chair out and sunk down, mentally exhausted as well; not caring about propriety she leaned her head down to use his arm as a pillow, resting her hands in her lap.

Killian's heart started speeding up again - it had calmed down when he finally had to step away and lay down on the table, using the excuse that he was exasperated - but really, he just wasn't fully capable of being that close to her -  _just_ her - and not doing something. Now, with her head resting on his arm and her hair brushing his hand, he found himself in the same exact situation as before.

They laid there for ten minutes before Killian said her name, but she didn't respond. He smiled; she must have fallen asleep. Hardly a comfortable position for him - not being able to move his arm - but he took what he could, and that she was comfortable enough to fall asleep in his presence was enough for him.

Figuring they had at least one more hour before she had to go, he settled his arm back across his eyes to block the light and fell asleep.

* * *

_Baby, I'll give you everything you need_

_I'll give you everything you need, oh_

_I'll give you everything you need_

_But I don't think I need you_

The song accompanied a buzzing in Emma's back pocket, waking her up; she blinked as she realized she must have fallen asleep -  _on Killian,_ but probably best to ignore that part of the equation. She pulled out her phone and swiped it to answer, already knowing it was Neal - that was his ring tone, one of her favorite Ellie Goulding songs.

"Hey there." Emma tried to sound perky, like she hadn't just woken up from an hour long impromptu nap on the arm of a man she hadn't trusted in three years. Alone. In a private study room in the corner of an unused floor. She knew how it would look if he pressed her for explanations.

"Hey babe, how's the studying going?" Neal's voice filtered through, and Emma smiled at his simple question.

"It's been a bit complicated, but I think I finally made some progress. Killian let me use his study room in the library since my reservation was obviously ignored." If she sounded grumpy, it's because she was.

Neal chuckled, "Well that sounds like Killian, always accommodating the ladies. I'm on my way to work and just wanted to see how you were, since you've been away all day."

Though he said he was just checking in, Emma knew that was his slight dig at the fact that she wasn't around again enough for him. Sighing, she replied, "Thanks, I'm alright. I'm just about to leave actually." She looked down at Killian, who remarkably hadn't woken up yet. "Just wrapping up a few things, when do you get off tomorrow?"

"Like 6AM I think," Neal replied.

"Why don't we have an early breakfast, I'll meet you there and we can go walk to the diner or something."

"No! No, let's just meet at the diner. You don't have to come to the shop, that's out of your way."

Emma frowned, "Oh, okay. Well, I'm going to get out of here - I think the library is closing soon. Have a goodnight."

"Thanks babe, love you."

"Love you, too." At that, Emma hit end call and stared at the phone in her lap, thinking. They had just talked about how she was going to try to be more available and here she was falling asleep on her brother's roommate in a study session. Sighing, she looked at Killian who had apparently turned on his side when she relinquished his arm.

She reached out and shook his shoulder a bit to wake him up, "Killian, wake up it's time to go."

A grumble came from his mouth and he rolled over - but the wrong way, and hit Emma's lap which put him on wide awake status and he flailed a bit before sliding down between her legs and the table ledge, landing on the floor. Emma started laughing at the prolonged fall, "Well that wasn't exactly graceful, Jones. Do you always wake up like this?"

Killian stayed down on his stomach, trying to recover from the embarrassment, "Surprisingly no, I surmise that it is just your touch that does it, Swan."

Emma rolled her eyes and stood up, starting to pack her bag, "Well, you can lie there all you want, but I should get going."

"What time is it?"

"Around 7, I think." At that, muffled curses hit her ears and he crawled from under the table and popped up to start packing with her.

"Bloody hell, I didn't think we'd sleep for that long."

Emma scoffed, "Why'd you let me sleep at all? I had studying to do!"

Killian stopped and blinked at her, "I don't think you really understand how difficult it is to bring you out of a peaceful state such as that, Swan. I didn't have the heart."

Her head dropped down in slight awkwardness, "Well, ah, let's go then. You're the one with the key."

Holding it in front of her to confirm, he walked over to the door and held it open while she walked by him. He locked it and they walked to the elevator.

Emma's face was set in concentration and Killian asked, "What's on your mind there, Swan?"

"I was wondering, well, would you mind helping me out with the LSAT studying? Maybe a little? It's just once a week really, and only the logic games I think, I mean I don't want to put-"

Killian held up a finger to her mouth, stopping her rant. "Of course I wouldn't mind that, friends offer their services, right? You don't have to feel so awkward about it."

Emma pushed his hand off her mouth, muttering, "I don't feel awkward about it."

"Right, Swan. You can't fool me; you're somewhat of an open book in this." Killian smirked at her and stepped onto the elevator after she got on.

"So, what about just the same day every week? Say Tuesday? You seem to be free around this time." Emma offered as a segue.

Killian nodded, "Sure lass, that sounds good. Every Tuesday, what time?" The elevator doors open.

"Let's say 5pm? About the same time as before." Emma walked out of the elevator as she heard Killian's response.

"As you wish, Swan."

Emma sighed, knowing that if she had been watching him he would have been doing his little bow. He does it on purpose, making her uncomfortable.

They walked out of the library into the cool nighttime air, and Killian turned to her, "Hey do you know what today is?"

"Tuesday, Jones. We just went over this."

Laughing, he replies, "No, like the actual  _date_." He watched her carefully.

"Ummm, November fifth I think?" Emma stood there staring at him in confusion.

Killian jumped up, "Oh come  _ON, SWAN!_ NOVEMBER FIFTH!"

Emma crossed her arms in response, a stern look on her face, "No Jones, I have no idea what you're talking about. If I did, I'd tell you just so you would stop acting like a five year old."

He stopped jumping and took on a serious face, "Remember, remember, the Fifth of November, the Gunpowder Treason and Plot. I know of no reason why the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot…"

Emma just watched him, puzzled.

Sighing, Killian finally acquiesced to her confusion, "One of the greatest movies, Swan!  _V for Vendetta!"_ As he says the movie's title, he slashes the air like in a sword for, each word punctuated with one. "That's it; you absolutely have to watch it. It is clear you haven't."

Emma shook her head, "No, I don't have the time!"

"Think of it as part of your education, Swan! I demand it, as your tutor." Killian turned to look at her dead on, leaning close to her and locking eyes.

Emma crossed her arms, but refused to move. They stood there staring at each other, the cold air wrapping around them as their stubbornness battled each other's.

Finally, Emma caved, "Fine! Okay okay I'll watch it, just let me know when and I'll come over."

Killian grinned and finally leaned back. "Deal," he looked at her, but didn't move and neither did she. He was about to ask her to join him at a viewing party that evening for it, but knew that she wanted to get home. He also preferred the thought of watching it with her alone in his apartment. He knew David hated that movie and would make himself scarce. He shook his head and as he walked by he leaned up to her ear and whispered, "We better get going, I think we're out past curfew, don't want to get caught!"

Emma was stunned, but turned around to follow him. Again she was agreeing to things she shouldn't be, and didn't know how to stop herself. All she knew was that at least he would get her through the semester and the test, and after that she could reassess how much time she was spending with him. Friendship is one thing, but she hardly spent this much time alone with  _Neal_  and he was her  _boyfriend._

Yes, just a few more months and then she'd deal with it.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** phew, okay. first session done, and a rendezvous planted. The song that was Neal's ringtone is  _Anything Could Happen_ by Ellie Goulding. Have a listen, I felt it was pretty appropriate for Neal/Emma. Sooo, what'd you guys think?! Let me know =)

The whole zen question thing was  _totally_ taken from a life experience, and I was 100% Emma in this scene. I literally sputtered, lol (not like spit, but babbling?)

OH! And if you're curious, I will send you the full logic game problem so you guys can test your mad skillz. I just didn't think that putting them all there and having them working through each one would hold your attention! Just send a PM or ask on tumblr - I might just post them all on tumblr without an ask so people can geek out with me on them.

as always, feel free poke me on tumblr (caishakalianah) or PMs here! Always happy to chat about the story or whatever you want.

~Caisha


	11. The Study Sessions

_**"Here's to real heroes, not the ones who carry us off into the sunset but the ones who help us choose our princes."** _

_**\- E.M. Tippets** _

The engine of the yellow bug churned quietly for a car that was so old. It just kept puttering on without any extreme maintenance - just oil changes and tires. Even the paint seemed to be holding up. Emma wasn't really sure how, but it kept on driving - despite Neal's neglect.

They drove in comfortable silence, he was going to work and she was headed to the library. Another session with Killian, because despite her better judgment he was turning out to be quite the tutor; besides, she only needed to endure a few more weeks of it before she took her tests and could put it behind her.

She looked over at Neal, who was humming under his breath as he usually did; smiling, she grabbed his right hand that was laying between them and squeezed gently. He met her eyes briefly before going back to the road, expression not changing.

He pulled his hand away to shift unnecessarily, and clearing his throat he asked, "So why is Killian tutoring you again? He doesn't even know anything about the test."

Emma's head fell back, sighing. They had talked about this ad nauseum for the past week, ever since she met him for breakfast the morning after. "He just seems really gifted for this particular part of the test, I don't know. He offered, and I progressed - so I asked him to help out some more. It'll only be a few weeks, we've been over this."

"Yeah, it'll be a few weeks to  _you,_ but what about him? He's bad at taking no for an answer, Emma." Neal glanced at her as he pulled up to the courtyard's curb and put the car in park.

Emma unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to face him, "Neal, why are you being so protective all of a sudden? Five years of showing no concern to full throttle overbearing - what's up with that?"

He huffed, "Just - he's bad news, Emma. You should know better. I don't know why you're messing with him all of a sudden."

"Fine. Duly noted, I'll see you later." Without waiting for a response, she grabbed her bag and got out of the car, slamming the door behind her. There had been light rain during the day, so she was careful of the wet pavement as she walked towards the library.

She tried to avoid thinking about Neal, who for five years had never expressed even the slightest interest in who she hung out with or studied with, but now that it was Killian he had to exert condescending statements? She huffed, as if she wasn't aware that Killian had a bit of a reputation. She also knew, though, that he was always himself - just Killian. He was open about who he was and what he wanted, and Emma admired that in some small part of her.

She pushed open the wooden library door and got hit with a wave of heat, prompting her to take off her jacket as she walked to the elevators. Checking her phone she was it was ten past five and muttered a few expletives. Neal's little whining session had made her late, and though she was sure Killian wouldn't have left she still hated to be late to appointments

As the elevator doors opened to the study carrel's floor, her legs walked faster than a normal pace to get to the corner room. She paused in front of the door without a window to smooth her hair back and adjust her blouse and bag. Taking a calm breath, she opened the door.

Killian was sitting in one of the wooden chairs with his feet propped up on the table in front of him, his entire body angled towards the door. As the door opened, he kept his eyes trained on the book in front of him.

Emma stood in the doorway watching him read silently, face set in concentration. Quietly, she closed the door and put her bag on the desk, taking a seat opposite him.

A few moments passed before Killian's voice hit her ears, "You're late."

She cleared her throat, "Yeah, sorry...Neal and I had an...impromptu discussion. Won't happen again."

At her last statement, Killian's eyes flickered up to watch her face, "I don't think I need to know about your dalliances with the boyfriend, Swan."

Before she could correct his assumption, he asked "No sooner spoken than broken, what is it?"

Blinking, Emma just stared at him.

He continued to look at her before waving his hand, "Swan, it's a brain teaser to get your head in the game - your  _discussion_ with Neal has probably thrown it off a bit. So the question is - what is no sooner spoken than broken? I'll get set up while you think about it."

Killian pulled his feet off the table and began looking through her study guide book again. He had prepared a few things for today, but hadn't really expected to be so serious. Her innocent reminder that she was very much taken had snapped him into teacher mode in order to prevent his emotions from bubbling to the surface. She didn't need a girlfriend to chat with right now, she needed help with her future - Killian was trying to keep that in mind.

He had just selected a simple problem when Emma piped up, "Is it silence? The thing that is broken as soon as it's spoken?"

Killian met her eyes, shocked a little bit that she had played along with his random warm up - but pleased that she had answered correctly. He grinned at her and nodded. She was obviously pleased with herself as well, since she returned his grin.

He handed her the book and blue marker - instructing her to outline the problem without addressing any of the questions yet. He gave her 10 minutes.

Emma turned to the whiteboard and bit her lip slightly, trying to remember the short cuts that they had gone over the previous week. She had practiced between sessions, of course, but she hadn't used the symbols and was now a bit lost.

_An industrial electrician attaches exactly seven components— designated S, T, V, W, X, Y, and Z—to a circuit board in exactly seven consecutive steps; exactly one component is attached per step. Each component is attached exactly once, and each is attached either by hand or by machine, but not both._

_X is the fourth component attached._

_Exactly two components are attached by hand at some time before X is attached._

_No component is attached by hand before T is attached._

_W is attached at some time before T._

_Y is attached at some time after both Z and S._

_The sixth component attached is attached by hand._

She had read the problem at least three times by now, and between each one she would cast a glance back at Killian who had shifted in position and was now sitting on the window bench with the original book in his hand.

"What's the roadblock, Swan? It's been five minutes and you've not written anything." Killian didn't bother looking up, not trusting himself to keep impartial in his job as tutor.

He heard her sigh heavily before she spoke, "It's just - there's a lot of random sentences and the context is throwing me off."

Killian looked up at her, "Context doesn't matter in these so much as understanding the basic structure - there will always be the options and the slots they go in. Don't try to create the story in your head like you do in every other section on the exam - focus on the structure of the problem." She looked at him earnestly, drinking in every word - he broke contact and looked back to his book; as much as he wanted her to listen to him, he wanted it in another context - not this one.

Emma turned back around and bit her lip again, writing the numbers one through seven on the board, and then the letters S, T, V, W, X, Y, Z vertically to create a grid like he had shown her before. She focused on the structure and not the fact that it was an electrical grid -  _what even was an electrical grid?_

She then moved to the fact statements and translated to short hand:

_X=4_

_2*HH-X_

_T- any H_

_W- T_

_Z/S-Y_

_6=H._

She snapped the cap back on and turned to find Killian looking at her again. "Well? How long did that take?"

Smiling grimly, "About 25 minutes, but honestly time is not the issue right now - it's accuracy and getting you comfortable with the format. Clearly that is where your road block lies." He closed his book and walked over to her, taking the red marker and the book. He nodded to the chair, "Sit down, I'm going to see how good your short hand is."

Emma hesitated and he explained further, "I haven't read the problem, and ideally you only will read it once - to write down the short cuts - before you start answering questions. So, I'm going to answer the questions without reading your problem and see how accurate I am."

Emma backed up a little and sat on the table, crossing her legs to watch him work. "Can I time you?" She heard him hum in agreement which meant he had already started.

She fiddled with her phone to bring up the stop watch and hit start. She took the opportunity to check her messages - four texts from Neal, which she closed without dwelling on.

Instead, Emma sat quietly and watched Killian work the problems; she was still amazed that he had agreed to take time out of his schedule to work with her - taking the friend thing to heart was not something she had truly believed he would do. Nonetheless, here they were; he was prepping with her - made her wonder why he didn't just go into law himself. They could be permanent study-buddies, and at that she chuckled.

Emma couldn't imagine he'd want her around for that long - he clearly got bored easily, she was just the new toy of the semester; something new to bat around until being putting back on the shelf. It was unfair to think of it that way, but Emma found it was easier to understand his actions if she attributed it to boredom.

"Stop the timer please, Swan." His voice brought her mind to the present and she fumbled for her phone and hit stop.

"Six minutes! Wow, that was really fast. That's like a minute per question - how were my notes?"

Killian scratched the back of his neck, "Well, they weren't bad but you still missed some crucial notes - let's just walk through the questions. I think you're starting to understand the concept, Swan. You'll be a pro in no time. Give me a few more weeks." He winked at her and held out his hand to help her off the table - an unnecessary, if kind, gesture.

* * *

**November 19th, 3rd Session**

"I got it, don't worry about it Killian." David walked through the door to his apartment, closing it with his foot.

He heard his roommate let out a heavy breath, "Thanks man, I appreciate it. I would've done it myself, but Emma…"

"It's okay, she needs the help and I'm doing this for both of you; now his flight arrives at 7, right? What's the number?" David grabbed the pen and note pad that Mary Margaret had stuck to their refrigerator one day, ready to jot down the information. He heard shuffling and muffled cursing on the other end and chuckled; Killian wasn't the most organized person in the world.

"Okay, looks like it's  _Virgin Airways_ flight 4603. And yeah, supposed to be at 7, but who knows with international flights. He normally just hops a ride on the aircraft supply planes, but apparently that wasn't an option this time."

David finished writing and snapped the pen back to the metal door. "Alright, I'll pick him up and we'll meet you at Romario's for dinner."

"Thanks again David, I'll talk to you again soon."

"Tell Emma I said hello ." Killian chuckled and said he would. As he hit end on the call, he slipped the paper into his bag and continued walking to the library. It was his turn to be a little late, but he hadn't done it on purpose. His brother had sent him an email from the plane's wifi explaining he would be arriving in the city shortly - as in, maybe three hours.

The news sent him into a bit of a tailspin - which was Liam's whole purpose in life, really - and he called David a bit frantic and asked him to pick up his brother from the airport since he was going to be at the library with Emma until eight.

Technically Liam wasn't visiting Killian, but decided to make a small detour on his way to the Naval station nearby. Killian was more concerned with what to tell Emma about when he explained that he has to cut the session short on a whim.

Sighing, he opened up the unlocked carrel door - Emma had the key and was obviously here already; he could hear her laughter before he even looked at her. She was giggling on the phone with her back to him.

"Neal, you know better than this! I have to  _study._ We can play when I get home." Another soft giggle.

Killian sighed at the mention of her boyfriend's name, and the reminder that Neal made her laugh more than she ever had with him made his heart sore.

Unable to resist a bit of petulance, he slammed his bag on the desk which made her jump a bit and she hurriedly hung up on Neal, her face bright red.

"Ah, sorry, didn't hear you come in." Emma struggled a bit to explain, not really sure why she had to but compelled anyway by the intensity of Killian's stare.

"No matter, Swan. It's nothing I haven't heard before."  _Liar,_ his heart cried. It mattered - he hated being reminded that she wasn't his and that placing himself in the way of heartache might never lead to anything good.

He shook his head, "Hey so before we start, I'm going to have to duck out of here maybe half an hour early."

Emma tucked her hair behind her ears and looked up at him, "Really, what for?"

"My brother, Liam, decided to take a detour on his trip to the Naval base and is here for the evening. I suppose it'll be our Thanksgiving get together, we're going to Romario's at eight. David is picking him up, so I owe him dinner too." Killian shifted awkwardly at her stare. He wondered what she was thinking as their eyes met, and before he could stop himself he invited her to eat with them.

He watched her face pull in surprise and her eyes blinked slowly. "Oh! Um - sure, actually. I've never met him, couldn't hurt," and she wanted to meet another Jones to unfurl the riddle that was Killian.

Killian grinned back and nodded, "Well, we've wasted enough time chatting about nonsense and I was late - so let's go through the various types of games now…"

* * *

Emma fiddled with her bag as she sat next to Killian, waiting on her brother and his to arrive.  _Romario's_ was a bit above her normal dining experience and she felt woefully underdressed - not to mention both her and Killian had their bags from classes with them since they had taken the bus.

Romario's had a homey feel to it - it was pure American dining, surprisingly - the inside was divided up into smaller rooms with half walls. Emma had always thought about eating here, but really the only person who could afford it was Killian. She wasn't even really sure how she was going to pay for dinner tonight, but she really wanted to meet Liam. She fiddled with the cloth napkin on the table.

A hand grabbed hers and stopped the nervous habit; she turned her head, expecting Killian to be watching her, but instead his eye's were glued to the door. He seemed nervous, though she wasn't sure why - the Killian she knew rarely showed those emotions in front of others. Maybe the hand grasping wasn't so much to soothe her, but him.

In reality, she should have taken the hand away - again, he was too close for her comfort - but it calmed her so she kept it on the table. Suddenly, Killian stood up and walked away - to where David and Liam were. She watched Killian hug Liam hard - almost desperately - and Emma found herself needing to look away.

They arrived at the table and Liam went to stand in front of Emma, "And who is this glorious creature, Killian? Have you been hiding her from me?" He gave her a gentle smile to accompany his compliments.

"Hi, I'm Emma Swan, Killian's friend and David's sister. It is good to meet you, finally." Emma held her hand out in greeting, and Liam surprised her by taking it and kissing it in greeting.

Liam looked up at his brother, "It is not surprising to me now, that you would keep such a secret from me."

Emma heard Killian growl protectively and Liam held up his hands, laughing. "Alright, I get it brother, taking a seat. Hopefully Romario still remembers us."

At that, a burly old man walked up to the table. "Jones brothers! Never thought I'd see you two in the same room again, what with you both running around with no regard for your roots." He had a handle bar mustache and was distinctly Italian - but Romario had surprised Killian's parents when the decision was made to open an American restaurant instead of an Italian one. Romario claimed it was a travesty to stick to one culture's food - and wanting a true melting pot of cuisine on his menu, just like America's best aspirations.

It was here that Killian and Liam spent a lot of their evenings with their parents, neither one having much time for cooking. They always just took them here, where Romario would lavish attention on them - becoming very much an Uncle to the boys.

"Hey Uncle Rom, sorry I haven't been by much - but thought with Liam here it would do you some good!" Killian winked at the old man.

"If by good you mean finish me off to an early grave, then sure. You boys wouldn't know what decorum was if Miss Manners herself took you over her knee!"

Liam snickered and made some comment under his breath to David, who was sitting next to him, causing him to laugh. He looked at Killian's glare and started laughing, "Oh come on, brother. You were thinking the same thing. Don't be such a goody-two-shoes."

Emma blinked at the accusation and chuckled a little. Liam looked over at her, "Did I make the fair lady laugh?"

She smiled, "Well, it's just...I never expected anyone to call Jones here a goody-two-shoes." She looked sideways at Killian and then back to his brother, "So I was just surprised."

Before either could respond, Romario chuckled. "Yes, the Jones brothers here were quite an interesting pair. Killian was always  _'we shouldn't do this'_ and Liam was tugging his hand  _'don't be silly we're doing this.'_ I wonder how their parents ever managed them." He smiled and ruffled Liam's hair as if he were seven years old again. "Well, I'll let you order. I'll be back later, good to see you again boys."

Killian stood up and hugged him, thanking him for coming to say hi; as he sat back down, their waitress brought them the menus and Liam ordered them a bottle of wine without questioning the others.

Once they ordered, Liam struck up a conversation about David and Mary Margaret - they had met this past summer briefly.

"You going to marry her anytime soon, man? I hear that's what men are supposed to do after three years." He winked at Killian, who was watching Emma ; she had stiffened a little bit at the question - not because she didn't agree with David getting married, but...Neal kept asking her the same kind of question and Emma never knew how to respond.

David shifted, "Yeah, it's something that I've given some thought to. I guess we'll see." He scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably, but Killian just raised his wine glass in a gesture of goodwill - smiling at his best friend.

"She would be silly to say no, David. Don't even entertain that possibility. You two were smitten from the very start, and will be for as long as you live."

Emma was keeping quiet, Liam kept sending appraising glances at her and moving between her face and Killian's next to her. "So, brother, it's been three years since your 'college life' declaration - given much thought to finding the right lady?"

Killian shifted, and put his elbows on the table to lean forward. "You know that's not really a good idea - I have that internship in Chicago next fall, and anyone I meet here would have to follow me or do long-distance. And you know that almost never works out. I can't expect someone I just met and started dating to follow me all the way to Illinois."

Emma piped up at his comment, "Why wouldn't they? If you love someone, you'll find a way to make it work. Neal would follow me anywhere, we'd work it out."

He turned to look at her, ignoring Liam and David, "Yes well, love is another factor, Swan. I would do anything for love, but the odds are small that anyone would ever feel that way about me."

They stared at each other for a few long moments - Killian's disparaging remarks hitting Emma at the heart; did he truly think no one would ever love him? Was that what this was all about?

David cleared his throat, pulling the two away from their bubble, and Liam chimed in. "Well that's my depressing and honorable brother, ladies and gentlemen. Shall we move on? I see our food arriving with Rom leading the way!"

Their food was placed in front of them, and Killian refilled Emma's wine glass without comment.

"Thank you," she whispered softly to him. Dropping her voice even lower, she said something meant only for Killian's ears. "You'll find someone who will love you, Killian. Please don't think of yourself as unlovable." She grabbed his hand and squeezed it before quickly dropping it to eat.

* * *

After dinner, David took Emma home in his car to give the Jones brothers time to themselves. They were walking to the apartment complex from the restaurant - Killian with his bag strapped across his chest and hands in his coat with Liam quiet by his side.

"So you were talking about the internship as if it was a done deal, have you heard back yet?"

Killian kicked a rock along the sidewalk, "No, but I should in January. I know the guys at the firm, it should be a done deal unless I screw up."

Liam nodded, "I know you wanted me to visit for Christmas, but I don't think it's possible - with this trip they're supposed to be assigning me to some new project. If that happens, I won't be able to get leave - and I want to save up my good will for your graduation."

"It's alright, I understand. These guys will be around, I never do much for Christmas anyway." Killian looked up at the pitch black sky, wishing the city lights didn't hide the stars away.

Liam put a hand to his chest to stop him, "So do you want to tell me what's going on with Emma, brother dear?"

Killian shrugged away from his brother and kept walking. "Nothing to say, I'm helping her study and invited her along since David would be here and I didn't want him singled out."

Liam laughed heartily from behind him, "Oh brother, you really are still the more honorable of us both. What's the situation then?"

Killian turned and pressed his back against the brick building and sighed, "She's been with this guy forever, really, and she's hated me for almost as long. I'm trying to...build a friendship, I guess. I want her to see me as the man I am, not as the man I appear to be to others." Killian closed his eyes, knowing that the Killian she saw was one he had created in response to their connection. He regretted it, not having the courage to go after her then; now he was stuck.

"I don't know...I'm hoping that maybe, one day, the choice won't seem so obvious. Maybe she'll choose to be with me instead."

Liam watched his brother's dilemma settle on his face and walked up to take the spot next to him, his back up against the building. "She seems nice, Killian. You two could barely stop stealing glances at each other. If I were David, I'd be seriously concerned for my sister - if she was in a happy relationship, then what is she doing whispering furtively to you and holding your hand for comfort?"

A heavy sigh came from Killian, eyes stilled closed. "I was afraid you'd notice that, but that was my move not hers. Sometimes I can't help but touch her. It physically pains me to be so close to her and not have her see."

"You might have initiated it, brother, but she held and gripped your hand as tightly as any woman in love I've seen. You might be winning her over yet." Liam grinned and smacked Killian's chest to get him snapped out of the sadness.

"Ow!" Killian rubbed his chest and glared at his brother, "Why do you have to be so stubborn? She's not looking at my like that. I just need to...I don't know."

"Well whatever you do, Killian, just be careful. I know you want her, it just seems like an easy way to break your heart. I wish you luck. I would be honored to have the lady Swan join the Jones family!"

At that, he kicked off the building and wrapped his arm around Killian's neck, dragging him along with him as they walked back to the apartment.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** So there we go. It won't be the last we see of Liam, since his appearances have been so short - but it will be the last for awhile. Killian just really needs a brother right now. Next chapter is Thanksgiving. As before, I'll post the game I used on tumblr and then review/PM if you want the questions. This one was actually on the test so es much harderrrrr, poor Emma. She'll get there, we have faith in our girl!

Killian is quite the bundled up mess of nerves and emotions right now, isn't he? That can't be helping Emma pin down the reality of Killian Jones! We'll get some of her thoughts on the dinner next chapter. Also, Thanksgiving.  _ **Thankgsiving.**_ So excited.

Til next time!

~Caisha


	12. The Thanksgiving Dinner

**Disclaimer:** The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's  _Once Upon a Time's_ intellectual property.

**Half of My Heart**

" _ **I want to reach out and grab his hand and hold it to me, right over my heart, right where it aches the most. I don't know if doing that would heal me or make my heart break entirely, but either way this constant hungry waiting would be over."**_

_**-Matched** _

Emma was curled up on the window bench in their study carrel, head pressed against the window, tears slowly sliding down her face. She hadn't expected the black vitriol in his heart when his true feelings were revealed and now it was all she could do to arrive here in her makeshift sanctuary, the only place she felt safe - where her tears felt like maybe they wouldn't drown her. He was coming soon, but she couldn't bring herself to hide in this room and so let the tears fall.

It was only an hour ago, but it felt like longer - when Neal had come over and destroyed their perfect bubble. She had been in a good mood, smiling and asking him to dance to their song that played only in her head. He was angry and his eyes were wild as they looked at her.

_"What's wrong? You don't look so great, what's going on with your eyes?" Emma reached out to touch Neal's face, but he jerked away; taking a few steps back he spared a glare at her for daring to touch him._

_"I'm just surprised you're here! I come by sometimes unexpectedly, you're never here…" his voice was low, as if he was talking to himself._

_Emma blinked, "You know what my schedule is like, just call and I'll make time for you...I love you, Neal."_

_He scowled at that and turned to pace in front of her, hands going through his hair, "You shouldn't have to 'make time'," he sneered. "You're my girlfriend, but it is clear you love school more than you love me."_

_Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "You know that's not-"_

_"OF COURSE IT'S TRUE, EMMA," he bellowed, getting in her face. "You're always gone, to class or studying somewhere unknown - do you even really want to be with me anymore?"_

_Emma blinked slowly, she had never seen him so angry or upset before and was having a hard time processing, "Of course I want to be with you still. I wouldn't be here if I didn't...we've talked about this, I'm doing this for my future, why can't you be patient with me? I'm trying my best…"_

_Neal scoffed, "Oh yeah, your future - but what about ours? Where does your future leave me? In the fuckin' dust, that's where. You think you're too good for me, don't you? You're pulling away ever so slowly. I feel it." He pressed his back against the wall, slamming his head against it._

_"Why did you come here like this? I'm not pulling away, you're the one that's been avoiding me for the past few weeks. I want to know why. You can't guilt me into thinking I'm the bad guy here." Emma's voice was strong still, even though her body trembled with the weight of his accusations. He had been with her long enough - he knew just how to twist that knife._

_"Don't leave me, Emma. You'll have your degree soon, let's just leave it at that and go somewhere new and start our life together. You don't need to spend more time getting useless degrees." His face was turned towards her, imploring._

_An alarm went off, her calendar reminder for Killian's sessions; she sighed and shook her head. "We'll have to talk about this later, I have to go."_

_A pained laugh came from behind her as she bent to grab her books and put them into her bag, "Of course you do, Emma. Of course you do. Always going, never in one place. Never enough time for the ones you love. Call me when you're ready to talk about your commitment issues." With that, Neal shut the door to her apartment and Emma let out a heavy sob that she had been holding in since Neal's accusations had come filtering through the air._

Now she was here - a pathetic mess of tears and unkempt hair; she wasn't sure where her Neal went - the carefree and loving man she had known for years, but it was apparent that something much deeper had a hold on him now and she wasn't sure where that left them.

At that last thought, she head the carrel's door open and knew Killian had arrived - just on time, unfortunately for her. Emma leaned desperately into the window, trying to postpone the questions for a little bit longer.

A few long moments pass, and the door clicked shut. She heard a bag drop to the desk and felt his body near hers, but she studiously ignored it and kept looking out the window, trying to cool the heat and redness on her face from the tears.

Killian pulled a chair up besides the window bench, and sat down quietly. He rubbed his chin, trying to think what the best course of action would be with the crying girl next to him. Finally, he settled on grabbing the hand that was resting limply in her lap and ran his fingers over the top. She instantly laced her fingers into his without saying a word and he heard sniffles. He was a bit lost - they never teach you how to deal with people who are crying, so he was running on pure instinct.

They sat like that for awhile before Killian braved the silence, "Emma, what's wrong?"

Another sob hit his ears and his heart clenched at the sound, but she sniffled before saying, "Neal c-came to my apartment earlier," he tensed up, not sure if he wanted to hear the rest - his mind going to all the worst places - "he was a b-bit wild, and accused me of loving my career and school more than him. He wants me to graduate and skip law school so we can start a new life somewhere else."

Hearing the ultimatum that her  _boyfriend_ gave her, Killian got angry, "Emma, he has  _no right_ to demand that of you. Look at how hard you're working! He should be thrilled that the love of his life is dedicating so much to what she loves - for their future! "

Her head was still pressed against the glass, "Maybe he has a point - I'm working hard, but I can't be with him as much as before. Maybe I should talk about career options with my undergrad degree alone…"

"No! Emma, don't you dare." Killian stood up, forcing Emma to turn to look at him by the strength of his voice, "You have too much in you to give up something like this - Neal should know that and understand. Every couple has rough patches, you two just have to work things out." Killian's voice was indignant, and it fired Emma's defenses.

A bitter laugh rolled from her throat, "Oh of course, because  _you_ would know  _so much_ about relationships, Jones. What do you know, really? You know how to fuck a girl and make her breakfast in the morning, never having to think about her again."

"Don't make this about me, Emma," Killian implored her. "You're upset, just give it time you'll work things out."

She wrenched her hand from his, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, KILLIAN. You know  _nothing_ about what Neal and I have,  _nothing._ If someone you love asks you to rethink your priorities, you owe it to them to do it. Don't you dare act like you care, the only reason you're here right now is because you want in my pants." She glared at him, his face unreadable as she let loose the tirade, "Well that's  _never_ going to happen, Jones. I could never be with someone like you."

Killian's face was a mask shielding the hurt her words had caused, "Say what you will, Emma, but I would never ask someone I loved to stop pursuing something they loved and had planned for all their life. I would help them be the best person they could be, holding their hand the entire time. I'm sorry you don't have that." At that, he got up and moved to their bags, pulling out the study questions from last session.

Looking back at her he found Emma watching him silently, the anger gone from her face. "Until you decide to drop everything for him, I suggest we continue studying." He handed her the blue marker and she slid off the bench and took it, her fingers brushing his.

* * *

Killian quietly unlocked the door to the girls' apartment; it was early for them - almost nine-thirty - late by any other's considerations, but they had stayed out quite late last night. Killian stayed in as he hadn't felt up to celebrating; it had only been a few days since his confrontation with a crying, heartbroken Emma and he needed a bit longer to recover before facing her again. Today was all about moving past all that had happened, though. One of his personal favorites - lots of cooking and ribbing between friends and family.

He walked softly into their kitchen, placing the giant turkey in the sink. He had kept the frozen turkey in David's fridge since it took up the most space and the girls had most of the other ingredients in theirs already. It was Thanksgiving, a time of joyous meal cooking and feverous football watching - oh, and deal shopping, he thought with a snicker. Mary Margaret was known for her somewhat over zealous bargain shopping. Black Friday was basically like her Olympics, and poor David got dragged through it every year. Well, he said poor David, but Killian thought that the guy would do absolutely anything she wanted - he was hopelessly in love with that woman.

Killian was grabbing the flour and yeast from the pantry when he heard a door open and click shut, and quiet feet padding through the room. He looked up into Emma's face - the first time he had seen it since their last session two days ago, and the first time he had seen it without tears or splotches for at least a week. She is quiet, and just stares at his face before breaking into a shy smile, her face imploring; he returned her shy smile and nodded slightly - apology accepted.

Without saying anything, she grabbed the butter from the fridge and the mixing bowl from under the cabinet. Despite their past distance, they always ended up cooking the majority of Thanksgiving components with each other - starting always with the rolls. It was apparently some Jones family recipe, but Emma never thought to ask much about it - she just knew that it went first, always.

While she watched Killian measure out cup after cup of flour, she finally spoke, "So what's the deal with this recipe, why is it so secret?"

Killian looked over at her briefly, acknowledging the broken silence, "Ah well, my great-grandmother was quite the baker you see, and she spent a good amount of her time working on making the perfect roll. She succeeded, naturally," he winked at her and she rolled her eyes good naturedly, "but the dough takes so long to prepare that it became the Jones family tradition to only make them during the holidays - in this case, Thanksgiving."

Emma smiled at the thought of family traditions as she tore open two packets of yeast and put them into the bowl of water to mix up as Killian talked.

"Of course, my parents kept on the long standing tradition of arguing over which method was best when it came to baking the rolls - all coming down to the butter method - pan or bowl?" He chuckled, "I don't think we ever solved it definitively, but maybe one of these days Liam and I or our future family members will."

Emma thought about that for awhile - he said future family members, and remembered her awful words from a few days ago. "Do you want a family? I mean, to keep on the tradition naturally." She smiled at him to keep from getting to serious.

Killian shrugged, "Of course, I would love a family - but it takes the right woman, I'll settle for no less. I don't know if it's in the cards for me, truth be told."

She felt the silence stretch into awkwardness so she spoke again, "My first real Thanksgiving was with David and his family - and Neal. I had never had the big family dinner - I didn't even know what stuffing was, actually. Most of the Thanksgiving food I knew of came from the special school lunch that always happened that day." Her voice could have sounded sad, but her statements were just fact without emotion - as if she had detached herself from the feelings long ago.

Killian cleared his throat, "So when is Neal coming over, then? I assume he'll still be here."

"Yeah, I'm supposed to pick him up in a little bit - probably wait a few hours, last night was a long one." Emma saw him nod from the corner of her eye and he kept mixing up the dough.

Claiming it was ready to be cooled, Killian wrapped the bowl with plastic wrap and put it in the fridge to chill for a few hours before they rolled them out.

"So, Swan, pumpkin or pecan this year?" He raised his eyebrow at her in question - he never knew for sure which one she would choose, and it was becoming a tradition - only those two were ever options.

"Hmmmm," Emma patted her chin in thought, "PUMPKIN!" He laughed and nodded, going to gather the ingredients he would need to make his pecan pie.

A few hours later, the pies were chilling in the fridge and they were starting on the stuffing when Mary Margaret's door opened and the two lovebirds came padding out. Mary Margaret was smiling and quiet, but David looked like a kid on Christmas as he walked up and sniffed around, "IS IT READY?"

Emma and Killian shared a look, then turned to stare at David blankly. Mary Margaret just patted his back, "Come on, David, let's go take a shower and get ready. They haven't forgotten to make it, I'm sure of that." David's face fell, clearly hoping to eat some of his favorite dish for breakfast - but nodded and went with her to get ready.

Emma snickered when their door shut, and Killian smiled to himself. "What would he do if we ever forgot about it, do you think?"

Killian groaned, "Oh Swan, I don't think we ever want to find out. It might send him into the depths of a depression he would never leave!"

Emma was preparing the turkey, but her least favorite job was coming up - preparing the insides - so she sidled up to Killian and batted her eyes. "Jones, help a girl out why don't you?"

Killian laughed, "Every year, Swan. One day you'll be able to do it yourself."

She smacked his chest, "Doubtful if I have you around."

He paused, heart tightening at the thought of always being with her on this day, but shook his head. "You just want me for my fisting skills, don't you?" He laughed and winked at her shocked expression, "Only joking, lass."

She giggled unexpectedly, then looked at the time on the microwave, "Oh! It's time to go pick up Neal. Are you good to finish up here?"

Killian sighed, sad that his time alone with her was ending, but nodded. "Yeah of course, I'll get those two to help with the last bits. Go on, I'll see you when you get back."

* * *

An hour later, David and Mary Margaret came strolling out - freshly washed and dressed, "So what's left, chef?" Mary Margaret asked.

"Well, you should probably finish the stuffing - Emma had to leave to pick up Neal." She nodded, and got to work while David sat at the island.

"So Killian, what can I do?" David asked eagerly.

Killian and Mary Margaret shared a 'oh,  _no'_ look, but Killian was prepared this year. "Oy mate, let's have you prepare the cranberries." He sat the can in front of David, who frowned.

"Aw man, you know this is just a kid job. I meant like cooking!"

Killian chuckled, "One step at a time there, mate. Remember the last time you tried to cook?" He pointed to the darkened spot on their ceiling that they had yet to tell their maintenance crew about. "It is physically impossible for you to screw up cranberry sauce. Your only battle foe is that can opener there." He gestured to the unusual device, definitely not a typical can opener.

David took a few minutes to plate the sauce before putting plastic wrap around it and chilling it in the fridge, before turning back to Killian to ask for another task. He pushed the bowl of fresh green beans towards him, "Snap them before I cook them, you've done that before I assume?" David smiled and nodded.

Mary Margaret was still working on the stuffing when she asked, "So where is Emma?"

Killian shrugged, "She went to pick up Neal, I don't know what's taking her so long though." He nervously checked the clock, noting it had been over an hour.

Mary Margaret and David looked at each other for awhile, working on their tasks, before she asked another question. "Oh..so, how are you doing with all of that?"

Blinking, Killian looked towards the woman by his side, "What do you mean 'all of that'?"

David sighed loudly, "Oh Killian, just come clean would you - what's going on? Clearly something has changed, we talked about this before."

"Nothing happened, guys. I just...she had a bad argument with Neal the other day and she got upset with me when I offered her comfort." He looked away from Mary Margaret's knowing and comforting eyes before continuing, "I just want her to be happy. I want… I want that to be with me, though." He looks up tentatively to David, knowing this was where his biggest criticism would come from.

David just sat there, hands on either side of the bowl, watching his best friend go through emotions he'd never experienced before. He sighed, "Killian, I just want Emma to be happy, too." He stood up and put his hand on Killian's shoulder, "If it turns out that happiness comes from being with you, I want you to know I'll be there by your side."

Killian looked in his eyes, judging the sincerity of David's words. He finally nodded, accepting them. He thanked the two, then stepped out on the balcony for a moment, the emotions overwhelming him.

* * *

Emma sat outside Neal's duplex, waiting in the yellow bug. She saw him walk out and his neighbor walked out at the same time; Neal walked over to the woman and handed her something, and then hopped down the stairs to get in the car.

"What was all that about?" Emma gestured to the woman, indicating the odd interaction.

"Oh nothing babe, she had dropped something on the porch earlier and I was taking the opportunity to give it back." Neal waved his hand nonchalantly.

Emma frowned, but drove off without asking any further questions.

* * *

Neal and Emma finally arrived, and they split off after pleasantries - Neal and David took their spots on the couch to watch football.

Emma rolled her eyes at David, "But you don't even  _like_ football, David!"

"But IT'S THANKSGIVING,  _EMMA!"_ He pouted, making her laugh as she shoved him back towards the living room.

Mary Margaret had already assumed the position at the island, her laptop open as she plotted her 'battle plan' as David had nicknamed it so many years ago; she was a Black Friday warrior, to be sure. Emma had started boiling water, cutting up the potatoes to make the garlic mashed dished.

Emma and Killian studiously hummed at the right places as Mary Margaret droned on about the best deals - neither of them would ever set foot in a store during this time, but it was Thanksgiving - the day of letting your family do their weird things without comment.

Killian had started on David's favorite dish, mostly everything was ready to go - just that and the mashed potatoes.

"Hey David, is it okay if we leave tonight for some of these stores? They're opening at like seven!" Mary Margaret called out to her boyfriend, who just replied with a 'no problem'.

"Do you guys mind giving me a ride back to my place, too?" Neal asked, "I have work later and need to get home."

Emma frowned, but kept her mouth shut as David agreed with little conflict.

* * *

Emma settled in against the island, her legs sprawled out in front of her across from David, whose back was against the wall in the same position. Her plate was resting on her legs and Mary Margaret was handing David his plate and bowl as they all settled in on the floor. She couldn't quite remember the logic behind the floor sitting tradition, but then she heard the ball bounce on the floor as Killian walked through and she smiled anyway; traditions didn't always have to be logical.

"This macaroni is the  _best,_ dude." David said from his position on the floor as Killian walked by.

Killian laughed, "Thanks, I told you I wouldn't let you down." His eyes met Emma's and they smirked at each other. David's favorite dish for Thanksgiving wasn't anywhere close to normal, but ever since he had gone to Disney World and had eaten at the pioneer restaurant where they served Mac n' Cheese with the normal Thanksgiving food, he had been a tyrant about it.

Killian always made a point to make some gourmet type of macaroni and cheese - and only David ate it, everyone else just left the bowl for him. This time it was a four cheese baked macaroni, to David's apparent delight.

Killian dropped the ball in the center of their bizarre rectangle of legs and grabbed his plate, sitting down on the other side of Emma. Mary Margaret kicked the ball idly across and they started playing their silent game of hot potato as they chatted about the semester and David's travails at  _The Kingdom_ which had ended abruptly last night.

Emma was snickering at the latest story when she kicked the ball towards Mary Margaret who wasn't able to stop it without losing her plate.

David yelled out, "YOU'RE IT. I KNEW IT." He grinned and looked at Neal, who threw him a five dollar bill towards the blonde. Mary Margaret looked stunned and David explained, chuckling, "I bet him earlier that you would be the first to fall." She glared at him good naturedly, and he couldn't even bring himself to feel bad about it.

Neal laughed and gestured towards her, "Alright M&M, you're up. Embarrassing story of the year contest starts  _now."_

With a deep sigh, Mary Margaret launched into her story. The rules of the game were simple - if you got distracted and missed the pass you were on the hook for an embarrassing story. As a result, they each had blackmail stories that they have all banked across the years.

"So last April I was walking across the quad and ran into a few classmates in front of the Education building. There was some loud noise that scared the birds from the ledge above us.." her face bloomed red in embarrassment and David grinned, clearly in on the story. "...and one of them flew into my head and pooped on my hair and shirt."

Emma cackled, "Why did you never tell me?!"

"Well now it's a rule, embarrassing stories are reserved for Thanksgiving so we have a nice build up of suspense," Killian retorted, laughing at Mary Margaret's red face.

Mary Margaret glared at the two, "Don't laugh too hard, you know one of you will be next."

David grabbed Mary Margaret's arm, "OH MY GOD! I just realized - is  _that_ why you were afraid of my brother's bird when we visited him this summer?"

She mumbled yes, and stuffed a big piece of turkey in her mouth so she could avoid speaking about it anymore; David made a mental note to revisit the story later and shuffled another spoonful of mac and cheese into his mouth.

"The mashed potatoes are excellent baby, thank you," Neal said loudly as he kissed Emma's cheek. She gave him a small smile and Killian cringed at the forced nature of his comment and set his plate down, crawling to grab the ball from Mary Margaret's side, putting it into play once more.

It was a small thing, but these underlying games that they played tied their group together - that and it gave them an opportunity for blackmail stories to bring up at inopportune times which seemed to be always, when they were all involved in something.

Emma reached over to steal Killian's last roll from the plate in his lap, and he was so distracted by the innocent action that the ball rolled by him and all the way into the kitchen before he noticed. David kicked his foot to bring his mind out of the Emma-zone; Emma looked like she had a bit of a flush to her cheeks.

Neal shouted, "Your turn, buddy boy - what's the story this year?"

Rolling his eyes, Killian proceeded to tell the story of a particularly embarrassing outing with Liam over the summer. As soon as he referenced the evening, David started laughing so hard he had to set the bowl down. Killian scowled, "At least wait until the story is finished!" But he cracked a smile nonetheless as he continued, "So it was late in the evening - or early in the morning, whichever - and Liam and I had just finished a legendary Irish drinking contest."

David piped in, "It  _was_ actually legendary - the Jones brothers know how to drink, I'll tell you that much."

"Yes thank you, but when I got outside I noticed that there was this particularly sexy lamp post. She was just standing there taunting me, calling my name. So I went over and apparently seduced it and then promptly proceeded to hump it." Killian hung his head in shame as they started laughing, but when it subsided he grinned at them, "Of course, that wasn't the worst part - apparently Liam was slightly better at holding his liquor than I was, being a Navy boy and all, and had filmed most of the incriminating act."

They were all laughing and Killian got up to put his plate up, grabbed two rolls and kicked the ball over to David; he sat down and handed one of the rolls to Emma with a wink - she just smiled and murmured her thanks.

After they had all been suitably embarrassed for the evening and their stomachs were full, Mary Margaret tugged David away with her shopping list. Neal followed them outside to hitch a ride and said his goodbye to Emma.

They left Killian and Emma alone, with only a supportive look from David to give him the strength for it.

He started running the faucet to fill up the sink with warm water, setting to cleaning up the remnants of their cooking disaster - they were always notoriously bad about cleaning up as they made dinners. It was quiet, as if Emma wasn't sure how to talk to him and Killian certainly had no idea how to deal with the emotions running through his body right now.

He swirled the soap into the water and got to work on the turkey pan when Emma walked up and placed the dishes in the other side of the sink, brushing up against him accidentally. Killian groaned quietly, and stopped his movements, gripping either side of the sink firmly, his head dropping down, eyes closed. He felt Emma behind him, hovering; she put her hand on his back gently and he jumped slightly in surprise. Emma moved to his side to try to see his face before asking what was wrong.

At that simple question, he looked at her and she wanted to take a step back - his eyes were filled with stress and something else she wasn't sure she could name. She had never seen him so open before.

Killian finally spoke, "Emma…" He sighed, frustrated, "Nothing is wrong, just overwhelmed is all." He felt her lean closer into him and look up at his face - only a few inches lower and he could be kissing her again. "FUCK!" He backed away from the exchange and walked out to the balcony to get away from her presence.

Emma blinked slowly and found she couldn't move from the position she had put herself in until he had left the room. She turned to finish the dishes, anything to avoid going and making things worse; she wasn't sure what was going on, but knew that there was no way that going to him would help matters.

She heard the balcony door close, and Killian didn't spare her a glance as he muttered that he was going to grab something from upstairs and he'd be right back.

He came back with a much more carefree expression and a DVD case in his hand.

"What's that?" Emma asked, gesturing to the case he was hiding behind his back.

"Remember that promise you made during one of our first sessions?" Killian asked, a teasing note in his voice.

She scrunched up her nose, thinking, and before she could attempt an answer he showed her the case.

" _V for Vendetta?_ Oh! That poem you were mumbling about."

Killian rolled his eyes, "It wasn't just a poem, it was an actual EVENT! A historical thing, an attempted assassination in 17th century England - they tried to blow up the Parliament to put the daughter of the assassinated King on the throne - something about religious tolerance."

"So it's like...a religious movie?" Emma eyed him warily.

"No no! It's a movie about the spirit of revolution and anarchy and regulations and media control...do you like movies with tyrants and oppressors vs activists?" He asked, even though he already knew.

"Sure...are we watching this tonight?" She would gladly watch with him if it meant the awkwardness would float away.

"Absolutely," he said as he grabbed her hand and pulled her over to the couch and set the movie up. It was amazing how well he knew the apartment even though it wasn't his. He went to take the seat at the opposite end from where she sat, but Emma was curled up on the end with her feet sprawled out across his cushion so he lifted them up and sat down, putting them back in his lap.

Emma snuggled into the pillow on the edge of the couch, quite content with the position as the opening scene unfolded. She recognized the poem he had recited to her on their first session - the fifth of November, now etched into her memory - such a witty guy, she thought as she smirked.

Killian watched her through the first part of the movie - through V's introduction to Evey and the alliteration-filled monologue describing his disguise. He had to stop himself from saying it out loud, not wanting to taint her experience or deprive her of Hugo Weaving's glorious enunciation, "This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished." Killian sighed, this was a masterpiece, a throw back to the spirit of Guy Fawke's intentions and the intentions of anyone who had ever stood before a tyrannical majority and said  _'no more'._ He was going to have to contain his enthusiasm, but as he was holding himself back she asked a question.

"So he takes her back just because her name was Evey, which is close to V?" Emma asked quietly.

"Basically. V doesn't believe in coincidences."

"Do you?" Emma looked at him closely.

Killian held her stare and shook his head in response. She settled back into the movie, and that was the last word he heard from her until Evey spoke of Edmund Dantes and Mercedes from the revenge novel  _Count of Monte Cristo._ "Is this how it ends, Killian? Revenge over love?"

He looked at her, idly rubbing her feet, "I guess we'll find out."

"What would you choose, if given the choice?"

His hands stilled as he answered, "Love. I like to think I would choose love."

Emma sighed softly, moving her feet idly in his lap, "I like to think I would choose love as well, but I don't know if I could."

"Maybe you just don't have that kind of love in your life." He spoke those words quietly, knowing it was a bit presumptuous of him, but unable to resist. She didn't respond, and he started massaging her legs, lulling her into a state of pure contentment.

The minutes pass as they neared the end, "I can't believe they're actually blowing up Parliament."

He looked over at her, and smiled, "Ah, but buildings are just symbols my dear, given power by the people. Blow it up, change the world."

"But she loved him, how could she just let him go like that?" Emma focused on Killian then, forgetting the movie.

"Being in love doesn't mean you get to tell someone what to do, sometimes it's just letting them be who they are and being with them along the way." Killian kept locked on her eyes as she thought it through.

Abruptly she pulled her legs away from his lap and sat up on her knees, kneeling on the cushion beside him. "You said that to me earlier, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did. I believe it."

Emma brought her hand up, hesitant with how he would take it, but confident in her need to touch him. She brushed his face and ran her fingers through his hair, coming back to feel the stubble on his cheeks. Killian held his breath as she explored his face.

Emma moved closer to him, putting her face in front of his, "Why are you being so nice to me still, Killian?"

"You need a friend, I'm trying to be one." His voice was firm, but his hands twitched at her touch as if they ached to reciprocate, but he let her move at her pace.

She leaned in to kiss him, stopping a few inches in front of his lips and whispered, "It feels like more than that."

With that, Killian broke the truce and closed the distance, bringing her lips to his as his hands grabbed and pushed her against him. There was no hesitance to her lips as they moved against hers, no shame as she ran her fingers through his dark hair to grip the strands on the back of his neck. He held her hips tightly and lifted her onto his lap, knees parting automatically to sit on either side; she enticed his mouth open and he moved his hands to her butt and pulled her hard against him as her tongue sucked on his, eliciting more than one moan from each.

Their tongues tangled as her arms went around his neck, pressing herself closer against him and his hands still gripping her ass. He broke the kiss to give them time to breathe and move down her neck with aggressive kisses, pulling her lower half tight against his hard erection. He felt her gasp in his ear as her hips began to move against his clothed cock. He held her hard against him, keeping the friction strong as he moved to suck on her neck, marking her hard. She growled at the feeling, panting from her now-erratic movements.

Killian pulled back to gaze at the bright hickey that was already beginning to form and grinned lasciviously at her. Emma smiled back surprisingly, and threw her head back as he took one hand from her ass to roam upwards, palming one of her breasts, pulling down the cup of her bra and tweaking her nipple. Watch the outline form on her thin shirt, he moved to put his mouth on it when she grabbed his hand and brought it between her legs where his cock had been teasing her the entire time.

He looked at her questioningly, and she just stared at him with lust-filled eyes that were devoid of any shame or regret. He unbuttoned her jeans and slipped his hand inside, stroking her satin panties that were now thoroughly damp from their actions. "Fuck, Emma…" he looked up at her again, "You want me to touch you?" His fingers teased, slipping up and down the satin fabric.

She leaned in, resting her head against his shoulder and he felt her nod and whisper yes. He groaned and slipped one finger behind the satin, running up the length of her slit before circling her clit.

Suddenly, she jumped at his touch, and backed away hastily, hitting the coffee table and landing on the floor. "I'm s-sorry, Killian. I don't know what I was thinking." She tried to avoid looking at him, shame washing over her, and Killian's silence was deafening. All she could hear was his breathing, heavy and fast still, but she continued on with her lame explanation. "I just...it's not fair to you. I'm feeling weird with the whole Neal thing, and you've just been so good to me that I-"

"Excuse me," Killian muttered as he got off the couch and stalked to the bathroom without another word. He shut the door as calmly as he could; he wasn't angry, but he had thought...well, it didn't matter what he thought. It was clear that Emma was not on the same level as he was with her emotions and how they fit into...them.

He gripped the counter harshly, taking deep breaths to calm himself down, and adjusting his cock that was still trapped in his jeans and hard as a rock. He wouldn't be able to do anything about that now, though. He shook his head and looked at himself in the mirror, wondering what was so wrong with him that she couldn't give him even a passing thought? He moved to leave, finally composed himself to the best of his ability, when he saw the Raphael pendant he had left with her so long ago. On a night that ended very much like this one. He touched it reverently; it had been his mother's, and it was a part of him - it meant a lot that she had kept it, but why was it here - had she worn it recently?

He grabbed it and walked out of the bathroom, finding her still sitting on the coffee table where she had landed earlier. "Why was this in your bathroom?" He held up the Raphael necklace in front of her, and watched her pale.

"I just - I was thinking about it recently, and hoped it would...do what you said it would. You know Neal and I…"

He gripped it tighter, "This isn't about Neal, Emma! It's about you - what do you want?"

"Why did you ever even give that to me, Killian?! You barely knew me - it was one brief...thing, and suddenly I have this family heirloom and a note." Emma implored him to answer her question, one she had always wanted to ask. She had imagined asking him in a less charged moment, though.

"I don't know, it just felt right. It's hard to explain, but in that moment… I just looked at you and I knew there was no better place for it. My mother would have wanted it that way." He looked slightly embarrassed at the lack of answer, "But I don't believe in coincidences - we were supposed to meet, Emma."

"What are you talking about?" Emma stood up and moved closer, but still kept a good distance, not wanting a repeat of earlier. Or maybe she did. She wasn't sure at this point.

"Just what I said. I've wanted to be with you for three years, ever since that night, I just never wanted to get between you and Neal..but now. Emma, we only have a few more months. I want to spend them with you. I know it's crazy, but I'm yours - I want your sweet smile and your stubbornness, but it's your decision to make. These past few weeks...I've been trying to show you who I am away from the façade. I want to help you be all you've ever dreamed of, and I want to be by your side for it."

He stepped closer to her, and she was obviously stunned into silence by the impromptu admission. "Emma, maybe it's time to try something new and take a leap of faith with me," he clasped the necklace back around her neck and kissed her forehead gently, "I'm sorry for hitting you with all this at once, but think on it. It will always be your choice. I'll see you on Tuesday."

And with that, he left. Emma stood still in that spot for many minutes after the door had clicked shut, the locks turning into place.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** I REGRET NOTHING. This was twice the normal length, and for good reason. *sobs* my babies. my stupid, idiot babies. I tried to keep out so much of the analytical stuff with V for Vendetta because I COULD SERIOUSLY GO ON FOREVER AND SO COULD THEY, but they kind of took precedent so maybe they'll rewatch it it later with less..tension.

Hope you guys enjoyed it? Let me know, loves! Til next time.

~Caisha


	13. The Deconstruction

**Disclaimer:** The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's  _Once Upon a Time's_ intellectual property.

**Half of My Heart**

" ** _There's a sorrow and pain in everyone's life, but every now and then there's a ray of light that melts the loneliness in your heart and brings comfort like hot soup and a soft bed."_**

―  ** _Hubert Selby Jr._**

"I think Neal might be cheating on me," Emma blurted out the next afternoon. Mary Margaret was flitting in and out of her bedroom with all the things she had bought during the annual Black Friday haul. Poor David, but Emma knew he loved it - he embraced all of Mary Margaret's quirks and she his; true love indeed.

Emma spoke softly as her friend walked by and Mary Margaret froze mid step; she looked over at Emma, whose head was just laying back on the couch cushions staring up at the ceiling. Mary Margaret composed herself before speaking, "Oh...um, whatever would make you think that?"

"I don't know, I saw him with this girl outside his place yesterday when I went to pick him up," she picked at one of the pillow threads. "He said it was nothing, she had dropped something, but he's been so simultaneously distant and needy these past few months."

Mary Margaret walked over to sit next to her friend, "How can someone be both distant and needy, Emma?"

She let out a loud forced breath, "I don't know. It's like he doesn't show up to things he always came to before, he's late - but at the same time he's been really upset with me about how much time I've been spending studying and focusing on school." Looking at Mary Margaret, she didn't even bother hiding her worried expression. She was, however, debating on hiding the events of Thanksgiving and the subsequent confession from Killian that she hadn't dealt with yet.

"Well have you tried to talk to him about it? That's what I always do with David…" Mary Margaret's voice seemed low and quiet, timidly wading into the advice waters.

"Sort of. I mean, I've talked to him about the studying and time thing - he doesn't want me going on to law school, wants to just settle down and have me get some random job I don't really want. I haven't talked to him about the other thing."

Mary Margaret put her hand over Emma's, that were being wrung in her lap from the conversation, "Listen, maybe now isn't the time to take this on directly - maybe push it until after your big test - the SATs or whatever."

Emma smiled obligingly, "LSATs, Mary Margaret." Her friend waved her hand, not caring about the technicalities right now, "But maybe you're right. I think I just need a break, nothing extreme I just want to be able to focus only on the test for a little while."

She tucked her hair behind her ears and Mary Margaret noted that her body didn't seem to have relaxed with Emma's decision, "Well, that sounds like a good idea - just tell him you'll talk to him afterwards about the things he's concerned about."

"I kissed Killian." Emma blurted out before Mary Margaret finished her sentence, her eyes going wide. She hadn't anticipated telling her until she had wrapped her own head around it, but apparently her mouth disagreed. Her face flushed a bit and she looked over at Mary Margaret, who has resumed her previously shocked expression perfectly and sat still with her hand covering Emma's.

"On Thanksgiving," she continued and watched her friend for any movement. "You guys had left and we were watching a movie and I just...I kissed him." Her face flushed and a little smile crept onto her face, "Actually, more than kissed I suppose - but nothing further; I stopped myself."

During Emma's ramble, Mary Margaret's mouth opened and closed in shock before, "Well why are you even here then?" Her voice was purely curious, and obviously not scandalized by the news.

"Wh-what do you mean?"

Mary Margaret had a smile that made Emma feel like a five year old being told about something very serious, "I mean, what are you doing here right now - why aren't you upstairs with him talking about it?"

"We did talk about it!" Emma exclaimed, but Mary Margaret just gave her a ' _Did you really?'_ look, "Well, he did most of the talking. He got frustrated when I stopped and apologized for my actions, then he-" Emma whispered the last part, "He told me he wanted to be with me."

Mary Margaret let out a low squeal, "Oh wow! What did you say?"

Emma touched the necklace still hanging around her neck, "Nothing. I said nothing. I just stood there as he talked - and he understood and just kissed my forehead and left, giving me time."

"That seems really sweet and very...not Killian," Mary Margaret said, trying to keep her excitement down in order to read how Emma was feeling about it all.

"That's the thing - I think it  _is_ very Killian; Mary Margaret, he's just been so kind and helpful lately - and really I just don't know where that leaves me. This stuff with Neal is overwhelming me - I don't know if I kissed him because I like him or because he's been so good and understanding where Neal hasn't been." Emma huffed and threw her head back again in frustration.

"So again - why are you here right now? You just said that Killian gives you what Neal hasn't been, isn't that telling of the relationship?"

"I have a commitment to Neal, you know that better than anyone. Our relationship deserves more than to be crumbled at the fir- kiss of someone else. Clearly there are issues we have to focus on. What I have with Killian has always just been physical and nothing more."

Mary Margaret blinked, "I'm sorry - what you've  _always_ had? Is there something else you aren't telling me?"

Emma sighed at her slip up, "Freshman year, that Halloween party Neal bailed on? I was a bit drunk and so was Killian and we...made out. I said some not nice things and he carried me back to the dorm. That's when he left me this." She pulled out the pendant from around her neck and showed it to Mary Margaret.

She gasped, "I saw that a few weeks ago in the bathroom! What is it?"

"Really? All that and you're more interested in what the necklace is?" Emma said, fairly shocked at her friend's attention to the small thing.

Mary Margaret smacked her friend's shoulder, "Emma, men don't give people pendants that obviously mean something. Yes, I am more interested in that than I am with you and Killian smacking lips because that shows it  _meant_ something."

"Fine, apparently it was his mothers," she heard a gasp, "And it's some Catholic thing - Archangel Raphael, Saint of Love or whatever."

" _Emma."_

Emma finally had enough, "I don't care! It's just physical, what I have with Neal is real and I owe it to him to try to work things out. He doesn't deserve a cheating girlfriend, and that's what I've become with this whole thing!" She stood up and ran into her bedroom, tears falling from her face.

She crawled into her bed, pulling a pillow against her face to stifle the sobs. She felt a hand glide through her in a gesture of comfort, "You're not a bad person, Emma. All relationships have their rough patches - but you and Neal have never really focused on each other enough to have them; you're not used to talking about the hard stuff. Now all of a sudden you have to deal with him and Killian - it's okay that you're scared." Mary Margaret felt Emma's sobs die down as she spoke and continued, "But you really need to look at your future first and Neal isn't helping you grow. David and I work very hard at helping each other grow independently - how else are we supposed to stay together so long? We're all so young, Emma...it's okay if-"

Emma sniffled as she interrupted, "If I wanted to not be with him anymore?"

"Yes," Mary Margaret whispered, so low it was hard to understand.

Emma rolled over on her back and looked up at Mary Margaret, who was sitting next to her. "What about Killian?"

"What about him? This is your choice, Emma. He knows that, Neal is the only one who doesn't - you need to talk to him."

Emma forced a short laugh, "Yeah I need to do a lot of talking, apparently. I'll just tell him I need a break until after testing like I had planned I guess. Killian...I don't know. I don't know if I can cut him out right now."

Mary Margaret hummed in response, declining to comment. She patted Emma's shoulder, signaling an end to the conversation, and left the room.

Unfortunately, that meant Emma was left alone and Emma being alone meant she was once again forced into thinking about the most prevalent thing in her head at that moment: Killian. She had spent the greater part of the morning and afternoon trying to stay busy, but the cool metal against her neck and chest didn't do much to help. Laying on her back, she gripped the necklace in her hand and took several calming breaths.

She wasn't sure what to think, but if one thing was absolutely certain it was that Emma had lied to Mary Margaret. The attraction and subsequent kiss was much more than physical attraction; she wasn't sure what it was, but she hadn't spent this much time thinking about a man for years - including Neal.

Neal.

She was going to have to talk to him about everything - what was that line from  _When Harry Met Sally?_ 'Cheating is just a symptom that something else is wrong.' Something was wrong with them; Emma had been so wrapped up in her studies, and Neal had subsequently been busy with whatever he had been hiding from her that they never stopped to really talk about anything of note.

She wiped the tears from her eyes and stared at the ceiling, grasping the pendant in her hand, not sure where to go from there.

* * *

Killian laid on his bed, sheets rumpled as if it hadn't been made in awhile, and stared at the ceiling fan as it turned with one thought running through his head.

_I kissed Emma. I kissed Emma. I kissed Emma. I kissed Emma. I kissed Emma._

He could barely allow himself to think that, much less the actual fact was that it went more like  _Emma kissed me. Emma kissed me._

These iterations were followed subsequently by berating himself for putting her in the position she was in now. How was he supposed to be in the same room with her again on Tuesday? He should have waited - what an idiot; but she was just - he couldn't handle it, the emotions that kissing her brought out were too great to really be contained. To be honest, he was surprised she had taken it that far.

If only she knew the depths of his despair at that moment. What good did he really bring to her? Nothing but complication, really - she was a good person, not a scoundrel like he was; it had never really bothered him since his dalliances were mutual scoundrel-y things, but the past few months had left him feeling unworthy of her brightness.

Now he had brought darkness and complication into her life, but nevertheless he was in it for the long haul and he had jumped in feet first. He groaned loudly and flipped over onto his stomach, burying his face in his pillow hoping that it would muffle his thoughts for awhile.

He had been in bed all day, hoping that there would be a knock at his door, her golden hair and sweet face would be behind it with a smile on her lips just for him. Alas, Killian didn't think that was ever in the cards for him.

His door banged open and Killian groaned into the pillow again, "Go away, mate." He didn't even look up to know it was David, his roommate who was currently in the running for most annoying tenant of the year.

"Man, it's been ten hours. You need to take a shower, Emma's big on hygiene I'm pretty sure," David kicked the bed as he talked, keeping a safe distance from the feral-like animal grumbling on the bed.

Killian flipped over onto his back and glared at the blond, "That's all well and good, but Emma isn't going to be around me anytime soon after last night so I'll just stay here a bit longer thank you very much."

David rolled his eyes, "I know my sister, Killian - if she even  _touched_ you, she's probably a bundle of emotions right now." He looked at his dark-haired roommate who had been moaning in bed all day, just barely explaining what had happened with Emma. After a few choice words, David caught on that Emma had initiated any contact - Killian had kept it vague, or tried to - and after that was known, he calmed down.

Killian mumbled, "Yeah, but  _what_ emotions - that is the appropriate question."

"Where did our confident Jones go, is he hiding under the bed? Come on, you've confessed to her and that's all you can do - it's in her hands now, no sense dwelling on it." David grabbed hold of the loose sheet Killian was laying on and tugged it up forcefully, sending Killian rolling to the edge of the bed. "Come on, get cleaned up I'm taking you to the bar and putting you to work, I don't trust you to stay here alone in your state."

"The appropriate adjective for my state right now would be  _melancholy,_ in case you were wondering," Killian said as he rolled off the bed and stood up, mussing his hair with his hands.

"Yeah well, melancholy or not we're going to make sure you stay busy." David pointed at him, "Just remember, Jones, I'm her brother and I  _will_ hurt you if you force her into a decision she doesn't want to make."

Killian glared at him; he knew David was just being a brother, but the insinuation that he would ever take a woman's choice away from her was just offensive. "Duly noted, now get out so I can get ready."

David nodded and shut the door.

Killian was again shut in silence and thought of nothing but Emma - he wondered where she was, and wanted desperately to call her. Alas, he was in her hands now and told her only that he would see her Tuesday. If he hadn't heard from her by then, he would have his answer.

* * *

Emma took a deep breath as she walked up to Neal's door; she hadn't called ahead as this was spur of the moment and she was afraid she'd lose her nerve. They've never had many conflicts and she feared his response. All she wanted was a week of focus without any major commitments.

Soft but purposeful knocks sounded in her ear as she waited outside; it struck her as odd that Neal had never given her a key, but before she could follow that thought the door opened.

"Emma," Neal stammered her name in surprise, "What are you doing here? We weren't supposed to meet up until later." He leaned against the frame and looked her.

"Yeah I know, I just kind of needed to talk to you, mind if I come in?" Emma gestured to the doorway that Neal was blocking.

Startled, Neal backed away and let her in, "Sorry about that, you just surprised me. Manners are a bit off when I'm surprised I guess." He laughed a bit and she gave him a small smile. "So what did you need to talk about?"

Tucking her hair behind her ears, Emma took a seat on the couch and he followed sitting right beside her. Looking at him she saw Killian from the other night and blinked a few times to get rid of the image. She shook her head and Neal sat there watching her quietly.

"What's wrong, babe?"

"Nothing, I've just been thinking…" She looked at him, sitting there with no worry on his face - how could she even need to do this to him? "I think we need to have a long discussion about our relationship, Neal - and before we do I need a short break from you before I take the test next Saturday."

Neal sat back and his face moved away from watching hers, "Alright."

"Alright? No questions or concerns about it? It's nothing...bad, really, I just don't think we've ever had a good conversation and it's beginning to show." Emma sat up straighter to mirror her resolve.

Neal finally looked back at her, "What do you expect me to say, Emma? You've been spending all this time with classes and LSATs and Killian - at this point I'm not the least bit surprised you're choosing all that over us." His voice grew louder towards the end, his anger trickling out.

"That's just it, Neal! It's not about putting all of that ahead of you - think about our future; I want to be a lawyer, you've  _always_ known that - but when it comes to being supportive with it you just get angry. It's hard to be pulled in two separate directions like that."

He waved off her concerns, "You can justify it all you want, but you don't really want this anymore. You barely ever made an effort - I was just biding my time until you decided to cut me loose."

Emma felt tears well up as she moved to take his hand in hers, "Neal, that is not true at all. We just need to let ourselves grow up while still being together - that's hard, and this is just one of the growing pains. You have to let me grow up even if it hurts as we go. I'll always be here for you, with you."

Neal looked at their hands and then up at her, "Fine, take the break and I'll see you for the actual breakup on Sunday." He ripped his hand out of hers and walked into his bedroom, shutting the door.

She sat there for awhile, hoping he would come out once he had cooled off. That was not at all how she expected it to go - were they always this incapable of talking to each other about the difficult things? Maybe she was loathe to admit that communication was never a high priority - isn't that why she came to talk to him today - because something was going on with him and he wouldn't confide in her?

Placing her hands on the couch, she got up to leave, but instead moved towards the bedroom and pushed the door open. Neal was sitting on the bed with his head between his hands and she tentatively placed a hand on his back in a soothing gesture, "What's wrong Neal, really?"

She felt the deep and shuddering breath he took, "Nothing, Emma, don't worry about it. Like I said we can talk on Sunday after the test; good luck, by the way. Guess I failed to say that, huh?" He laughed softly, but it was forced and she knew it.

"We're not over Neal, not yet, but you need to think about what you want from us -for us; right now it doesn't seem like  _you_ want anything for the future. Not our future, just the future in general. Plus you won't even talk to me...it's not a good place for us."

"Just go, Emma. Focus on what you're good at, because with this stuff you really suck and I'm not up to caring about it right now." She blanched at his words.

"I don't understand why you're being so cruel, but I'll leave - not because you're telling me to, but because I don't deserve to be belittled. I'll see you later." Emma's tears finally splashed on her face as she pulled her comforting hand away, but she wiped them off and headed for the front door.

Taking a deep breath, she walked a few houses down before pulling out her phone. She scrolled to the contact and hit call. As it was ringing all she could think of was  _what if Neal was right all along?_

The phone clicked, and his voice hit her ear, "Emma?"

"Killian, hi."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** HIHIHIHI. So there we go, the post-heart-fail chapter. It's obviously shorter since it's more of a transition chapter, so that just means no I'm not apologizing for my cliffhanger *sticks tongue out*

I love all of you who are taking the time to read and promote this story -  _especially_ you guys and gals who review and message me; it is just so inspiring and wonderful so hopefully you stick with me through their bumpy journey.

As always, feel free to PM me here or tumblr - caishakalianah if you want to chat about the story or other stuffs! And another shout out, you can follow the music playlist I have for this fic (songs that inspire me or get me into the right headspace for the story) on Spotify - just search "Half of My Heart (Fanfiction)" by caishakalianah

Thanks!

~Caisha


	14. The Awareness

**Disclaimer:** The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's  _Once Upon a Time's_ intellectual property.

**Half of My Heart**

" _ **Awareness is the enemy of sanity, for once you hear the screaming, it never stops."**_

―  _ **Emilie Autumn**_

_"I don't understand why you're being so cruel, but I'll leave - not because you're telling me to, but because I don't deserve to be belittled. I'll see you later." Emma's tears finally splashed on her face as she pulled her comforting hand away, but she wiped them off and headed for the front door._

_Taking a deep breath, she walked a few houses down before pulling out her phone. She scrolled to the contact and hit call. As it was ringing all she could think of was what if Neal was right all along?_

_The phone clicked, and his voice hit her ear, "Emma?"_

_"Killian, hi."_

His heartbeat skipped a few steps as he heard her voice; he immediately set the bottle of liquor on the counter and headed towards the stock room. It was quite loud in the bar for a Friday night and it was a wonder that he had felt his phone vibrate in the back pocket of his jeans when she called.

The stockroom door clicked shut and he flipped on the light switch, "Hey." He mentally slapped himself, but at the moment his brain seemed to be on permanent hiatus from his mouth. He waited a few moments, but nothing else came through the line. Lifting the phone in front of his face he saw that the call hadn't dropped so he tried again, "Emma? Are you there?"

"I think I-" Emma sniffled, the tears betraying her. She didn't know why she was on the phone with Killian Jones - why her mind immediately went to him when she thought of who to call. She had taken Neal's car to his place and didn't feel composed enough to walk home at night.

"Emma, where are you lass? Are you alright?" She could hear the slight fear and anxiety in his voice and choked out a laugh - if only he knew the fear coursing through her veins right now. Hearing a door slam and keys jingling faintly through the phone call, Emma finally responded.

"I'm, um, near Neal's place." She heard the slight hiss that came from his lips; though she couldn't see it, she knew exactly what they looked like - felt like, even - she only hoped the hiss was for Neal and not the situation.

He paused for a few long seconds before replying with a crisp, "I'll be right there."

Emma nodded, more for herself since he couldn't see her, and ended the call not knowing what else to say. As she sat down on the curb of the sidewalk she realized she probably should have thanked him.

What could she thank him for though? Kissing her? Confessing an unwanted love for her? Complicating her life? Five years of a casual relationship down the drain because Killian Jones decided he was in love with her? Emma huffed - what did he know about love?

Jones was just a complication - and she had had enough of those in her lifetime; being passed around from foster "family" to foster family - institutionalized by her adoptive parents when she was five because they had their own child and relinquished rights.

She spent the first fifteen years of her life without a friend - what did Killian Jones know about suffering and loss? He even had an actual brother - _blood_   _family._

Then David showed up with his idealistic views and warm soul and magical healing properties - he was everything she needed in a friend and she went from being the closed off loner to the slightly-more-open girl with a best friend.

The next year she fell in with Neal - the fifth year senior with a bad attitude - and for the first time she felt what romance was like - what it could be like; he was always bringing her cute little trinkets and whispering loving endearments in her ear. It felt good and right, and for years it stayed like that - but Emma was just now realizing that perhaps what felt right then wasn't right anymore. Why did it seem to be unravelling so quickly? What was going on with Neal - why wouldn't he tell her?

Emma hung her head, tears drying on her face; yes, Killian Jones was a complication she could not afford right now. Neal's voice from earlier rang in her head,  _"at this point I'm not the least bit surprised you're choosing all that over us."_

She let out a frustrated scream; she wanted to go back there and yell some more, but knew it would do her no good.

 _"It will always be your choice, Emma."_ Killian's voice from the previous evening superseded Neal's - there was no way Neal could have known about that, but Emma was nonetheless terrified that he somehow knew exactly what to say to her.

She mindlessly rubbed the pendant lying on her chest, stuck to her skin from the slightly wet atmosphere. It had been pulling her closer for a few weeks, wearing it at night; she convinced herself that it was just a reminder that love existed in the world when she was fighting with Neal, but in reality...Emma shook her head. She couldn't think like that - she had to focus on one thing at a time.

Looking back down the street towards Neal's place, she saw a car pull up and a frantic looking Killian jumping out with the car still running. He looked around and Emma stood up slowly from her spot on the curb; he spotted the movement and ran towards her.

Killian stopped a foot away and brought his hands up to cup her face, tilting it upwards; he looked at it for a long time, the moist cheeks and red eyes. His fingers brushed along her cheeks softly - more cherishing than wiping away the tears.

The air was heavy with emotion - Killian's worry for her and Emma's confusion for him. She didn't know why he was there - but neither did he. It was just automatic - Killian heard the tremble and stuttering in her voice and had immediately run out of the bar with barely any explanation for David.

Emma's hands had just immediately went on a search for his number - bypassing Mary Margaret and David's for once. Her eyes flicked up towards his finally, face still cradled in his hands.

"I called you," she said simply.

He smiled right back, "Indeed you did."

"And you came?" Emma's voice held an unsure tone to it as her brows tilted in confusion.

Killian just kept smiling and leaned down to place a soft kiss on her forehead, "I'll always come for you, Emma."

Her cheeks flushed red with an accompanying smile; her body language turned awkward as her face was still cradled so lovingly. Instead of pulling away though, she simply said, "Can you take me home please? I don't want to be here anymore."

He nodded and dropped his hands, gesturing for her to lead the way. He walked a step behind her, and if someone said it was to give her space from the intimacy beforehand you would only be half right. Killian needed time to assess what was happening - Emma Swan, stubborn girl that she was, had called  _him_ to pick her up. What did this mean? Clearly something had happened with Neal, was it appropriate to ask given all the emotions on the table right now?

He was in his head when Emma rapped her knuckles on the car hood, "Killian, you okay?"

Looking around he realized he was standing in front of the car making no effort to move, but on her question he just nodded and walked to her door to open it for her.

She remembered how often he did these little things for her - quaint manners, really - not necessarily a common trait anymore, but one she appreciated in her heart.

As he climbed into the car, Killian saw her staring at the house in front of them - Neal's; he decided against asking until she brought it up herself - everyone needed a little time to process, even Emma.

The drive to the apartment complex was quiet, but not heavy like their previous encounter. There was only soft music flowing through the car - loud enough where you could hear it, but soft enough to where you could barely understand the words. Emma thought the voice was lovely and broke their silence, "So who is this?"

He looked to her briefly, "Boyce Avenue."

"Hm, never heard of them, who are they?" Emma looked over at him before grabbing the music player that was attached to the system, scrolling through the playlist.

Killian stumbled a bit in the explanation, "Well, they're...a cover band, really. They've put out a few albums, but mostly they do remakes of popular songs in their acoustic version and style."

Emma flipped the music player back on the dash, "Ugh, I hate cover bands."

Startled, he looked at her again as he pulled into a turning lane at the red light, "Why?"

"Because they're not creating anything new - it's just weird."

Chuckling, he turned up the volume and the unmistakable words of  _She Will Be Loved_ filtered through. "Swan, just because something isn't the original idea doesn't mean it is any less beautiful - I can love what something was and another version of it. People change, why can't songs? The essence - lyrics, the feel - are the same."

She glared at him, "You've certainly thought a lot about this. I thought you were more of a rock-80s guy anyway."

He shrugged as he made the turn, "Guess I've just been in a more acoustic mood lately."

_My heart is full and my door's always open you_

_Can come anytime you want_

He softly mumbled the lyrics and grinned over at her, "Come on, Swan, you know what you want to."

She laughed lightly and indulged him, adding her voice to the classic lyrics.

_I don't mind spending everyday_

_Out on your corner in the pouring rain_

_Look for the girl with the broken smile_

_Ask her if she wants to stay awhile_

_And she will be loved_

Emma stopped, her eyes watering as Killian pulled into his parking spot. He turned it off and went to squeeze her hand, but she pulled it away and got out of the car abruptly.

He sighed and followed her, hearing the car beep as he locked it behind him. He found her at the top of the stairs, standing uncertainly.

"Can I stay with you?" Emma's request was earnest and baffling - she knew it and it echoed in his face so she explained, "It's just I'd rather not face Mary Margaret tonight - she's just...I don't know, it's easier if I can avoid it."

He nodded and went to unlock his apartment door, flicking on the lights. Killian turned to let her in and found she was standing in the doorway, her eyes wet again and her lips trembling. Silently he took her hand and pulled her inside, shutting the door.

He turned towards her and pulled her against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around her. At first she was stunned by the gesture, but it was only a brief moment before Emma let her emotions bubble to the surface and a loud sob echoed in the small entryway.

Hearing the noises and feeling the moisture from her tears through his thin t-shirt, Killian squeezed her harder trying to pour all of his comfort and feelings through to her. He had no idea what was upsetting her so, but due to the nature of the evening he feared the worst for her and Neal. A part of him he didn't care to admit was happy - maybe she would be with him now; but the other part - the much larger part - had his heart aching at any sadness she felt and just wanted to hold her in his arms until she felt whole and right again.

Sensing that the tears would not stop anytime soon, he bent a bit and wrapped his arm under her knees and carried her to the couch, her face burying into his hard chest. He gently laid her down with a pillow under her head and whispered that he would return shortly.

Emma's tears had quietened a bit, but they were still falling and she rubbed harshly at her eyes. She probably looked like a complete mess right now - mascara and splotchiness and redness everywhere. Oddly enough though, when Killian came back with two glasses and a bottle of Rum he just smiled at her and she realized it didn't really matter. He had seen her far worse off.

Killian poured a splash of liquor in each glass and handed one to Emma, who sniffled as she sat up and took it from him, her fingers brushing his.

"So," he swirled the rum as he sat down on the other end, angling his body towards hers. "Are you going to tell me what all that was about, or shall we just get drunk?"

She smiled a bit as she sipped the amber liquid, "I went to confront Neal today - about how closed off he's been recently. It didn't go so well, we're taking a break until after my testing is done and he didn't seem to care; accused me of caring more about my future and your tutoring than our relationship." She shuddered a bit and grabbed the bottle, "He was cruel," she said as Emma lifted the bottle to her lips, taking another chug.

"Easy there, Swan. Pace yourself." Killian took the bottle from her and she pouted. He shrugged and took a gulp himself before setting it back down. "Well, it's rather simple really - what do you want for your life?"

Emma let out a harsh laugh, "Oh, it's that simple huh? I don't know what I want - I'm only twenty one years old!"

"Well then, I guess you have another project to do during this break. Maybe you should take some time to really evaluate what you want. Personally, you've always seemed quite driven and I'm not sure where this uncertainty is coming from. If it's Neal, I'd question why he's making you feel like your life is not worth sacrificing and trying for if it isn't what you want." Killian stared at her the entire time, walking the edge between too much and not enough.

Emma looked at him -  _really_ looked at him. The man he was right then, not the man he was three years ago. Was he telling her something, or was he really just that supportive?

"What does your future hold, Emma? That's the question you need to be asking. Not where you and Neal stand - it's much broader than who you are with," he continued and refilled their glasses.

She stared into her glass - what was her future? What did she want? For as long as she could remember she had wanted to be a lawyer - before she could really even spell it. Ever since she had heard the term emancipation for minors she wanted it - wanted that power to break free.

Free.

Freedom? Is that what she wanted? She looked at Killian who was emptying his second glass, watching his throat move as it glided down his throat.

She wasn't free with Neal - free to become who she wanted to be; could she be free with Neal? She growled, frustrated, and sat her glass down on the coffee table; Emma tucked her legs together and opened her mouth.

Just then Killian's phone rang and he lifted his lower half to grab it out of his back pocket, Emma's eyes watched his movements with a bit of spark in her eyes. He looked at her and said it was David as he answered; Emma shook her head trying to tell him not to say anything.

"Hey man."

"KILLIAN, where are you? You just ran off with no explanation! Left me to tend bar alone, is everything okay?" David's voice ranged from angry to exasperated to concerned within three seconds and Killian had to laugh.

"Sorry to worry you, just got a call and had to take care of something pretty quickly." Killian leaned back against the side armrest and stretched his legs out, pushing his feet against Emma's legs. She scowled at him and he chuckled, continuing the actions.

"Well are you coming back?"

Killian looked at Emma, her face still splotchy and red from the tears, but her eyes carrying the first glimpse of the spark he had missed this evening. "No, sorry. Still need to take care of things here."

"Alright, well I'll be at Mary Margaret's tonight if you need me."

"Done, thanks - and sorry for bailing on you again."

He heard David sigh, "Don't be. I was the one who dragged you out in the first place. Talk to you later."

Killian hit end call as Emma grabbed his shoes, pulling them off. "Honestly, who wears shoes inside an apartment? Barefoot or bust!"

He chuckled, enjoying that her mood seemed to have lifted a little, "Well I did have other things on my mind - like a crying Swan to hold and take care of. I apologize if my footwear offends." He winked at her, taking any guilt she might have felt from that.

He cleared his throat, "So David is staying at Mary Margaret's tonight, I don't know if you intended on returning-"

"I want to stay here," she said in a rushed voice. "I mean, if that's okay. The couch is fine."

Killian scoffed, "Really Emma, you'll never sleep on the couch with me around. You're welcome to take my bed. Clean sheets and everything; apparently I've been sulking a bit and David made me change them before we left." He rolled his eyes at that and Emma giggled.

"He definitely has a domestic side to him that is hard to hide," she replied. "But thank you that would be nice."

He nodded and got up to put the bottle of rum away, taking her glass for her.

Killian felt her come up behind him and her voice hit his ears, "It's okay if you want to sleep there, too." He froze, unsure what she meant, but she stumbled through an explanation - "I mean, I know it's big enough and I don't mind. I'd feel bad if you slept on the couch."

He turned around and met her honest gaze; Emma was just being the good person she always was - nothing special. He nodded, "Alright, if you're okay with it."

Emma smiled awkwardly, "Well I'm going to go clean up my face a bit - I'm sure I look like a mess."

As she walked away, Killian softly mumbled something, but she was too scared to ask what it was.

Killian finished rinsing the glasses and walked into his room to grab a shirt and pajama pants. Emma walked in, her hair loosely untangled and face wet from cleaning it. He handed her the clothes, "Here, I don't know if you prefer to change or just sleep in what you have, but-"

Emma smiled, "Thanks, I think these will be better than sleeping in jeans."

He walked towards the door, "I'll let you get changed."

She pulled off her blouse and undid her bra before slipping on the loose shirt - smelling freshly washed surprisingly. She pulled the necklace from underneath and hesitated before deciding to keep it on, not wanting to leave it in the morning accidentally.

"I'm dressed now, Killian," she called out and he walked back in, changed into another shirt and boxers. His hair was ruffled as if he had been running his hands through it and he was avoiding looking at her.

She broke the tension, "So, left or right side?"

He looked at her and before he could answer he saw the necklace again resting against her chest and his burning stare made her skin flush again. "I-I'll just take the right side if that's okay," and she turned to crawl under the covers.

Killian followed, flicking off the lights before he joined her on the other side. He lay there, staring at the hair that bunched up around her neck and pillow, aching to touch it. His heart beat wildly being that close to her, feeling her breathing and her slight movements against the mattress.

Emma flipped over and faced him, her heart fluttering as well. "Thank you, by the way," she started, trying to ignore the intimate situation. "For coming to get me tonight and, well, for everything else I guess. You've been a good friend."

He nodded, wanting much more than that, but willing to take the small step she's given him towards seeing him as a value instead of a burden. "Anytime Emma, never forget that. No matter what happens or has happened, you will always have my promise."

She smiled and turned back to the other side, drifting to sleep peacefully.

Killian however laid there for the next hour, switching between various positions before the blackout claimed him.

* * *

Early morning the next day Emma woke up facing Killian - no, not just facing him,  _nestled_ into him. Her arm had wrapped around his waist and her head was between his arm and chest on the pillow. She moved her face a bit and her nose brushed the clothed chest, and Emma caught herself breathing in the deep scent of sandalwood before she pulled back in horror.

She hadn't meant to take advantage of his hospitality, but apparently her subconscious had other things in mind last night. She slipped out of the bed and grabbed her jeans and blouse from the night before; with one last hurried look at the sleeping man, she bolted out and moved to go up to her apartment before anyone could question why she was there in the first place.

When he heard the door click shut, Killian opened his eyes; he had felt her movement as she pulled away from him. Felt the warmth dissipate and his heart grew colder - he reminded himself that she wasn't his, not really. He was  _a good friend;_ because that is what every man who has confessed his love and desire for a woman wants to hear.

Sighing, he rolled over to where her body's imprint still existed in the sheets; it wasn't as if she was completely oblivious and no feelings were returned - it was clear to him that on some level she wanted him, but the question was - did she want him enough?

He took a deep breath into her pillow, smelling some type of female goodness from her hair and skin. Killian smiled into the pillow, resigned to the truth that Emma Swan was going to lead him on a long journey - and he was in it for the long haul.

Outside the apartment Emma stood with her back against the door breathing rapidly, her mind racing.

 _How was she supposed to deal with this?_ She shook her head. One day a time, she thought; focus on figuring out her future, Killian had said.

She felt her heart beating wildly as she thought about those words; future could mean a lot of things - job, friends, but also  _love_ and  _family._ A shudder went through her as she stood there with the metal door pressing along her spine.

She pushed off the door, reminding herself of  _later,_ and walked up the stairs to her apartment, the scent of sandalwood surrounding her.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Okay so I got really caught up in a lot of work things and I really can't just write a chapter like this haphazardly so I'm sorry for the delay. I hope it was somewhat worth it. I  _promise_ to deliver the next chapter (which will be interesting) before the season finale this Sunday. If only because I know we'll all be too dead to read anything so soon after that.

As always, please don't hesitate to leave a review or PM or ask on tumblr (caishakalianah) if you have any rants, questions, fangirling, flailing, etc. for me to join in with =D

I'm curious how this chapter fit your expectations or suspicions ;D


	15. The Constant Ache

**  
Half of My Heart**

" _ **I want to reach out and grab his hand and hold it to me, right over my heart, right where it aches the most. I don't know if doing that would heal me or make my heart break entirely, but either way this constant hungry waiting would be over."**_

―  _ **Ally Condie, Matched**_

Killian nervously spun his pen between his fingers, trying to not stare at his phone. He wasn't expecting a call or text - it was just the digital clock that was taunting him now.

4:47pm

_Tick tock_

4:51pm

_Tick tock_

4:57pm

_Tick tock_

He groaned loudly, imagining the incessant ticking of a non-existent clock pounding in his ears; he was simultaneously not ready for five, but also incredibly ready. Resigning himself to the fact that Emma was clearly not ready to dive further into the pool of feelings with him, he had resolved to simply get her through this week without further complication. Not only was it finals week, but it was the week before her big exam - whose bright idea was that?

Killian heard shuffling in the hallway and sat up a bit straighter, but his fingers didn't quite listen to him and their rhythm was interrupted sending the pen, that been spinning, flying against the wall. He hopped up and frantically bent down to grab the pen as the door opened. He spun around to see Emma's face, bright but reserved, staring at him perplexedly.

"What on earth did I just walk in on?"

Recovering to what he hoped was a smooth façade, Killian leaned against the wall and smiled crookedly at her, "Oh, the pen couldn't handle being so close to me and decided it was going on a little trip."

The soft laughter that emanated from her throat washed over Killian and warmed his body. Trying to remember his resolve to just get her through this week with no complications, he powered through the flush to his cheeks and pulled out a practice exam he had procured for her.

"So, I thought we would do a practice exam-," he held up his hand before she could speak. "I know, you've already done dozens of them, but humor me. I've not done one with you and I'd like to see if I can offer any advice based on what I see."

Emma scoffed, "Please, what are you some testing guru now?"

Smirking, he took her bag from her and pulled a seat out, gesturing for her to sit. "I may not be a Svengali-"

"I said guru."

"-but I do know something about being an excellent test taker. Come on, Swan. You've trusted me thus far, cut me some slack." His voice was earnest, betraying his need to have her trust him - not just with this, but with even more.

She blushed, "Fine. I guess it is our last session, I'll listen to you." Emma wagged her finger in front of him, "Just this once, though. Don't go getting any ideas."

Grinning cheekily, he nodded. "I wouldn't have it any other way, Swan."

"What are you going to do while I take it? It's like a four hour exam." She squint her eyes at him, trying to figure out if it was still some type of game.

"Ah, you know - reading, drawing, maybe some studying of my own." He held up his sketchpad, "I'm building my dream house right now."

Emma leaned over to attempt to catch a glimpse of them, but Killian snapped it shut and walked away. He settled into his usual seat against the window, propping his feet up against the frame.

She pouted a bit, but sank into her seat and took out a pencil, staring blankly at the paper that read  _LSAT Practice Exam._ "So, you'll time me right?" She looked over at Killian, who was staring at her; he looked startled, but nodded.

"Absolutely, I'll let you know when each section is up. Might want to silence your phone, too."

Emma mumbled as she turned her phone off, "Not like anyone is calling me anymore," but she shook her head and met Killian's eyes.

He gave her a small smile and told her, "You have thirty-five minutes. Begin."

She opened her booklet up, happy that it wasn't starting off as a logic games section. She breezed through it easily, but the next section was her nemesis - logic games.

Killian had kept up with the time, giving her pause in between each section, but wasn't giving away any emotions - he was trying his best to be as proctor-like as possible.

Of course, he was failing miserably, because all she could think about when she looked at him were his eyes when he implored her to think about her future - his lips when she attacked them. How they were dry and warm until her tongue ran along them - how he held her when she cried and kept his distance when she was sleeping only a foot away.

Her head was filled with anything but that, until she started the section she hated with a passion. She remembered his natural skill with the games - how he was patient and clever and witty during their tutoring. Her first problem was a marketing context, and she grinned remembering their first practice run - commercials and advertising executives. Surprising herself, Emma breezed through the section with little fuss - and she finished with a few minutes to spare.

Killian was running his pencil across the paper, his face set in concentration, the soft shafts of fading sunlight bouncing off his hair. Emma stared at him for the last few minutes she had, until his timer went off and he silenced it, setting the sketchbook down.

She closed the booklet and handed it to him, her fingers deliberately brushing his as he took it from her. He raised his eyebrows in question at the gesture, but just smiled, "Anything give you much trouble, Swan?"

"I think I surprised myself with how prepared I am, actually."

Killian hummed, and began to scan the answer sheet for errors. Emma walked over to the window seat while he did that, and picked up his sketchbook; she furtively glanced at him to see if he noticed, but he was absorbed in checking her work.

Her mind was absolutely exhausted, though, so even if he had she wouldn't have cared - she wanted to see what he had been working on. He had said it was his dream house, but he was so cagey about it that it peaked her interest beyond that.

She flipped to the middle part of the book and indeed found plans for a house, as well as a gorgeous front view. It had a certain renaissance feel to it, with modern spires that mimicked medieval turrets, and a wrap around porch that led to 360 degree outdoor views. She was reminded, though it was modern clearly, of a castle. Emma ran her fingers across the design, until she hit the wording that denoted the name of it -

"See something you like, Swan?" Killian's voice interrupted her browsing, and she jumped guiltily.

"Sorry, I just-"

Killian laughed, "It's alright, after all you were its muse, I think you're allowed to look at the drafts."

She looked up at him, "Its muse? What do you mean?"

He raised his hand to graze her cheek, but stopped before touching her, remembering his vow to keep from pressuring her. "It just means I was thinking of you when I was drawing it. You have dreams of your future, and so do I."

He had probably said too much, and by the way her face closed off when she realized what he was saying definitely confirmed it.

She snapped the book shut and threw it to the side, "So how did I do?"

"Quite well, you missed a few from some of the sections - but you only missed on during the games section - so proud of you." He winked at her, and she scowled in response.

"Well, I only hope that's good enough to finish in the top percentile on Saturday." She huffed and stood up, putting things into her bag.

He followed her, packing his own things, reverently placing his sketchbook inside the cushioned pocket, "I have no doubt it will be. You're more prepared than you know."

She fiddled with her bag, trying to zip it up and failing, her hands were shaking until his landed on hers, "Hey, calm down - you'll be fine, I promise. You've prepared more than anyone could have."

Emma flicked her eyes up to his, staring at him, attempting to fill herself with his positive thoughts. "I know - it's just - are you busy Friday?"

Killian withdrew his hands, staring at her, unsure what she was asking. Before he could form a coherent thought, Emma realized what it had come out as and clarified, "Sorry, I just - Mary Margaret and I were going to watch a movie and relax before the exam and I thought you might like to join us."

He gave her a forced smile, "What no David?"

Laughing nervously, she tucked her hair behind her ear, "No, he's supposedly working that night. So it'll just be us and Mary Margaret."

Killian tried not to dwell on the fact that she used the word  _us_ when referring to Killian and herself, so he just nodded, "Yeah sure, sounds good - I'll pop in."

Her smile brightened and she slung her now-zipped bag over her body, "Great! Well, I'll see you then." She turned to go, but stopped as she opened the door, looking at him. "And Killian? Thank you. For everything."

Before he could say anything in response, she had left, the door clicking behind her. They normally walked out together, but he supposed things were different now and he tried to accept it. He knew that being with her at night, almost alone, when she was free of Neal - even temporarily - was going to be a bad combination; what on earth had he been thinking?

He shook his head, resigning that it would be quite a long week.

* * *

Emma giggled in the hallway as she talked to one of her classmates; they had just finished their second final and last one for Friday, so the mood was bubbly and ecstatic. She felt more comfortable in her role as student, more confident about the way she saw herself in a professional and social setting.

Thankfully, the only thing she had to worry about now was the test tomorrow - bright and early at 8AM; but even that couldn't dampen the mood. They wandered to the student union building to grab a cup of coffee as they chatted casually about their plans for the break.

Christmas wasn't something Emma had ever really given much thought to - it was pretty much where ever David was, she would be there. She assumed it wouldn't change much, but Killian has plans to stay around this year - he had mentioned it in passing during one of their sessions. She wasn't sure if he meant anything by it, or he just had no where else to go since Liam was away.

She heard her phone ring and shifted things around in her bag before she found it. The screen was filled with Neal's face and two bright buttons - green and red; she hadn't heard from him all week. Actually, if she were being honest, she hadn't even thought about him. Did that make her a bad person? She had barely given any thought to her boyfriend of five years and it had only been a week. Of course, it was on purpose - and it had been a busy week, in her defense.

Her face frowned and mood dampened slightly; her classmate looked at her quizzically, probably wondering why Emma was just staring at her phone.

She stabbed the red button with force, sending his call to voicemail.

"What was all that about?" The girl asked.

Emma shrugged, "Oh nothing, just something I'll deal with later. Hey I'm going to jet, have plans tonight."

"Alright, good luck tomorrow!"

Smiling and nodding her thanks, Emma slipped out of the building and sipped her coffee as she made her way back to their apartment.

* * *

Mary Margaret flitted about, preparing for movie night. Normally she would not bother, just make some popcorn and break out the nail polish; however, Emma mentioned in passing earlier in the week that Killian was joining them. Needless to say, Mary Margaret had been shocked at his inclusion - surprised, but willing to work with it. She was trying to avoid thinking about what it meant, and instead just wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

She set the DVD for the chosen movie on the counter, and picked up her phone to call David. When it clicked he answered, "Hey there, lovely."

Despite no one being around to see, she blushed, "Aren't you charming today?"

"I'm always charming, but to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I just wanted to check if you were still on for me coming over tonight while you're at work." She asked nervously.

"Yeah of course, I won't be home until late though."

"Yeah yeah, I know - I just want to be there when you get home. Don't be afraid to wake me!" She whispered conspiratorially.

David laughed, "I'm never afraid to wake you, I'll see you when I get home. Have fun tonight with Emma, make sure she has a good time."

Mary Margaret giggled, "Oh I will," and with that she ended the call, her last task complete.

She heard a key unlocking the door, and rounded the corner to greet Emma.

"Hey! I was just getting ready."

Emma laughed, "For tonight? Mary Margaret it's like four hours from now, what kind of prep time do you need to watch a movie?"

Mary Margaret rolled her eyes, "Oh  _Emma,_ it's not just a movie night - Killian is going to be here!" She swatted Emma's shoulders as if she couldn't believe she was being so ridiculous.

"Yesssss," Emma drew out the word in her confusion, "but he's here quite often, what makes tonight so special?"

Mary Margaret just stared at her, "Emma, are you seriously this stubborn? This is a perfect opportunity to talk to him about everything."

Emma shook her head vehemently, "No! Mary Margaret, we talked about this, nothing until after the test - there's too much happening for me to even think about him."

"Liar."

"I am not!"

"You definitely are."

"Fine, whatever you say! What movie are we watching?" Emma diverted her attention from the topic.

" _The Princess Bride!"_

"Really, Mary Margaret? Subtlety is not your biggest strength right now." She shook her head, but accepted the interference; this week had been so wonderful that it was hard to be upset with anyone, much less Mary Margaret who only wanted her to be happy.

"You can never go wrong with the Princess Bride, Emma. I promise you."

* * *

Killian shifted his feet as he stood in front of the door to the girls' apartment. He held a bottle of wine in his hands, but he wasn't really sure why - just felt like the proper thing to do. He doubted that Emma would be drinking tonight, given that tomorrow was such a big day.

He held his hand up to knock on the door when it swung open and his fist just hung there in front of Emma's smiling face.

"Killian! I knew you were out here," she smiled and pulled him in. He seemed confused by her rapid mood swing from her normal reserved self, but was happy about it nonetheless.

"Yeah, I didn't think it was quite proper to just walk in like normal." He scratched the back of his ear, slightly uncomfortable admitting his awkwardness.

"Oh well there's no need, Killian, you're always welcome here." Mary Margaret's voice sounded from the kitchen and he saw her as they rounded the hall. She was putting the icing on some cookies, apparently, with her hair pulled back by a blue ribbon.

"Thanks, and you look like you've been busy. Here, I brought wine for you ladies." He offered the bottle to Mary Margaret, but it was snatched up by Emma as she walked by.

"Ohh, great! This is wonderful and surprising, but thank you. We'll have to share a glass - another day, though, as I can't drink tonight. Big day tomorrow," Emma said with a wink.

Killian slid into a seat at the kitchen island, "So, what are you ladies going to force me to watch tonight?"

They giggled and handed him the DVD without saying anything; he raised his eyebrows at it, "Surely you could have thought of better torture than this - I never pass up an opportunity to reenact the Dread Pirate Roberts' daring feats!"

Emma flipped her hair, freely flirting with him at this point, "Please, don't act like you  _want_ to watch this."

Killian stood up and leaned in to whisper in her ear, "As you wish."

Emma's heart fluttered, and they stood like that for awhile, her breathing increasing rapidly until Mary Margaret cleared her throat, "Well, let's start shall we?"

Emma wasn't sure what she was doing - she felt high on life right now, free from her normal feelings of heavy dread and emotional confusion. Right now, she was with her best friend and Killian, watching the Princess Bride, and wishing she had a love like Buttercup's.

At that thought, and remembering Neal's ignored call from earlier, her tears welled up and threatened to spill over.

Killian, who sat in the chair next to her place on the couch, reached over and took her hand; he had noticed she had been holding back tears, but couldn't understand what brought them on - Buttercup and Wesley were about to ride off into the sunset.

 _"Hear this now: I will always come for you."_  Killian heard this and squeezed her hand, and watched a tear spill over and down her face; she was refusing to look at him.

He sighed and withdrew his hand, and turned to watch the last scene of the movie; of course, their little exchange had not escaped Mary Margaret's eyes and as soon as the movie was done she stood up.

"Well, I think I need to head out now - meeting David tonight - I'll be staying at his place, Emma so don't wait up."

Emma nodded and covertly brushed her tears away before standing up, "Okay, be safe and I'll let you know how tomorrow goes."

Mary Margaret walked over and gave her a tight hug, "I will, and good luck." She leaned in to whisper in her friend's ear, "Emma, remember how you felt all this week and today. Find that source of happiness and hold onto it. No more tears needed." She leaned back and smiled, Emma returning it and nodding.

Mary Margaret wasted no time grabbing her purse and waving goodbye, the door slamming closed.

Killian looked at his phone and noted that it was barely 8PM - he knew David would still be at the bar and wondered what Mary Margaret was up to.

Emma stood still, the movie credits and songs still softly playing, and so consumed was she with her thoughts and Mary Margaret's words that she barely registered Killian standing up.

"I suppose I'll go as well then, you need your sleep." He said from where he stood by her side.

She turned and nodded, "Alright, I guess so." The silence stretched between them, filling with the things they wouldn't speak of.

He smiled at her even though she wouldn't look at him, "Well, good luck, Emma Swan. Not that you need it. You will be glorious as always."

She felt his presence leave her side and heard him moving towards the door, but when she heard it creak open she couldn't stop herself and yelled, "Wait!"

Killian stopped, confused by her command, but turned to where he thought she was still only to be surprised when he felt her body crash into his, pushing him back and slamming the door shut again.

Her lips lifted up to capture his and he answered eagerly, not questioning why he was being blessed once more with her lips on his.

His hands raised up to find purchase in her hair, cradling her head as she pushed harder against his lips, desperately moving hers against them. There were two sides of the kiss, one passionate and desperate, the other just as passionate, but loving.

Emma nipped at his lips and he grunted, opening his mouth for her tongue; she grinned against them before slipping it inside. Their tongues slipped against each other's and Killian dropped any pretense of caution, bringing his hands from her hair to her hips, pulling her tightly against him. He was still pressed against the door, and her leg hitched up at the movement, slowly rolling her hips against his thigh as they shared the deep, fast breaths of the desperate. Their lips were millimeters apart, little gasps coming from hers as her grinding movements hit the spots she needed friction at the most.

"Emma," he whispered her name against her lips as his hands moved to the small of her back, lending more force as she grinded against him.

"Yes?" She barely gasped out the word, nearly incoherent as she let her emotions control her head.

Killian smiled against her lips as she increased her movements, "If you want more help, I have an easier way, love."

She pulled back and looked into his eyes which were hooded with desire; it took a fraction of a second to make her decision and as she placed her leg back on the floor, she say the sadness in his eyes. Of course, then she stood back and tugged his hand towards her, and she guided him into her bedroom.

The frantic nature of the earlier movements was gone, and Killian asked no more questions, leaning in to capture her lips again, moving softly and reverently this time. He was sure that this was her way of choosing - always so overwhelmed with words, his Swan knew only one thing - action.

His lips left hers and peppered her chin down to her throat; Emma leaned her head to the side and ran her hands underneath his shirt, drawing it upwards until she tugged and he backed away to let her take it off. He stood there, breathing heavily as she stared at his skin and lent down to press her lips against his chest.

He murmured something and his hands went to the buttons on her jeans, opening them without resistance. Emma whimpered slightly as his fingers drifted behind the zipper, pressing against the soft satin of her underwear. She stood back, looking at him in the eye as she pulled her jeans down and kicked them away, pulling him back to kiss him again.

He groaned and pushed her against the bed, the edge hitting the back of her knees and she fell backwards, laughing softly. Killian nipped at her ear before placing a kiss on her lips and backing away. At the loss of his body weight, she pouted and raised up on her elbows to watch as he undid his own jeans.

"Boxer-briefs? You definitely know what a woman likes," she smiled at him coyly.

He chuckled, " Ah Swan, you'll have proof of that soon enough," and at that he lifted her by her hips and laid her on the bed.

Emma knew she should be appreciative of all the softness of his movements, but all she felt after that was the rigid length of his still-clothed cock that pressed against her hip as his lips moved to the center of her chest above her shirt.

His hands went to pull it off, revealing breasts that were about to pop out of her bra due to her position and rapid breathing. His mouth descended on one of them, gently nudging it out of the cup and sucking her nipple in between his teeth. Emma gasped loudly as his tongue laved at it, making it stiff and even more sensitive as his teeth grazed it; she mewled sadly as his lips left one, but it ended as he popped the other breast out of the cup and treated it to the same loving gestures.

Though her brain was muddled by Killian's thorough ministrations on her breasts, she spread her legs wide and pulled his hips closer to hers, slipping her hand inside his underwear. She gripped his cock in her hand, feeling the size and bumps in it, rubbing her thumb against the very tip, earning her a hiss and another nip against her breast as he thrust into her hand.

She smiled and laughed at the action, "A bit sensitive there, are we?"

He pulled his mouth away from her breasts to look at her, and she gulped at the look in his eyes, "Oh Emma, let's see what sensitive is, shall we?" At that, he rolled over to her side, her hands slipping out of his underwear; he was pressed up against her and trailed her hand over her body, caressing her breasts, stomach, and trailing down to her thighs. He moved slowly up the inside and teased her before grabbing the underwear and pulling it down, Emma raising her hips so he could finish taking them off.

Without suggestion from Killian, Emma hitched up her leg and pulled it apart from her body, leaving her lower half completely open to Killian's view. She heard him gulp and saw him lick his lips before his fingers ghosted over her wet lips, putting slight pressure on her clit.

She hissed and her hips bucked off the bed, his fingers pressing down as she did so, "Bit sensitive, love?" He mocked her previous question, and she glared at him which he accepted with a kiss; he deepened the kiss as his fingers slid into her pussy, his middle finger sliding in as his thumb rubbed gentle, lazy circles around her clit.

His hand kept at the movements, an agonizingly slow, but steady, pace and as she started to lift her hips off the bed with each gentle thrust and pressure, Emma pulled her lips away to let out a loud and frustrated moan. She felt Killian chuckle as he pressed hot kisses against her throat and shoulder, "I knew this would drive you crazy, Swan. Giving you enough friction, but not enough to push you over the edge - yet."

She whimpered and gyrated her hips as he slipped his index finger inside her as well, increasing the pace as well. He continued whispering against her skin, "I thought about this so many times, how you would feel - how your skin would taste under my lips." He sucked hard against her neck as he inserted a third finger and she gasped again, utterly lost for words. "It is nothing like I imagined - so. Much. Better." He punctuated each word with a forceful thrust that Emma's hips followed and a loud sob-moan escaped her lips as she said, "Killian!"

"Yes, my love?"

"Please," she moaned as his hands varied the pace of his thrusts and she felt his cock sliding against the side of her hips.

"As you wish," and at that he shifted and slid down in between her legs, pulling his fingers from her and pushing her legs apart. He looked up at her, her eyes hooded and lustful, remembering her desperate  _please._

His tongue ran from her pussy to her clit, sucking on it before his tongue circled around it; his fingers resumed their place, but at a faster pace. He held her clit gently between his teeth, flicking it with his tongue in time with his thrusts. He held her hips from thrusting with his other hand, forcing her to only writhe and spew obscenities that he had not anticipated coming from her mouth.

He felt her lips clenching around his fingers and began to twist them with each thrust, and Emma was completely overrun with emotion at that very moment. She was being pushed over the edge by  _Killian Jones,_ and she didn't know how she ended up here - but she knew it was with perfect clarity and acceptance. And as she was pushed over the edge, she sobbed only one word, "Killian."

He groaned hearing his name fall from her desperate lips, and pulled his fingers away, letting his tongue taste her and clean her up. He sat up a little bit and locked eyes with her and brought his fingers up to lick them clean, too, when she grabbed his hand and wrapped her lips around the fingers that were coated with her pleasure.

He groaned and licked his lips as he felt her tongue rolling around, making sure everything was cleaned off before popping them back out and pulling him down to kiss her in thanks.

Emma wasn't sure where they stood, but right now she didn't want to break their spell with too many words so she just whispered, "Thank you," against his lips.

Killian pressed another quick kiss against them, "I am yours. Always."

She blushed at such a statement, still not quite comfortable with the freely given declarations of his devotion. Instead, she pushed against his chest and rolled them over, Killian moving freely and settling his head against her pillow as she sat up to remove her bra finally.

Once her breasts were free, they were immediately covered by Killian's hands massaging them, holding them firmly in his hands. She disappointed him momentarily when she pulled away, only to realize that she went to remove his last garment and groaned as she pulled them off, releasing the slight pressure. Her hand gripped his cock again, pumping it slowly as she looked at him.

Killian, who had thus far seemed in control of himself, had a bit of a frantic look in his eye as he saw her crawl up his body and slide her wet pussy teasingly along his cock. He groaned, "Emma, lass, don't be a tease."

She smiled and leaned in to kiss his throat and then his lips, sending his arms to grab hold of her waist, and as she felt his strong hands grip her hips desperately, his own bucking into her, she whispered, "I will never doubt again."

Killian blinked, trying to process that seemingly random statement, but instead he felt her align herself and slide down onto his warm length and Killian groaned, finishing off the last few inches with a slam of her hips and a thrust of his own.

Emma was still for a few moments, feeling the way he filled her and twitched inside, begging her uncontrollably to  _do something._ She grinned at him, her hair falling to the side of her face and placed her hands on his shoulders for leverage.

Unable to stop himself, Killian brought one of his hands to run through the locks of her hair as they brushed against his chest, holding her waist with the other as she began to rock her hips, feeling out the rhythm.

"Emma," he gasped as she twirled her hips, moaning herself as her clit ground against the cock that was moving inside of her.

She picked up the pace, bouncing with his hands helping her control her movements, which were somewhat erratic. He felt her arms weakening as they held her body up and so he pulled her down to rest her whole body against him as he took over sliding in and out.

He felt her hot breath against his neck, whispering his name, and then one final phrase that ruined all of his control - whispered into his ear, "Show me you know what a woman wants, Killian. Finish me off."

He groaned and flipped her on her back, forcing her legs up to her chest and he thrust into her harder than before, so much so she grabbed at the headboard behind her for purchase. Killian groaned out her name, rotating his hips as his cock was pushed inside of her completely, and leaned in to kiss her a final time. The feeling of his tongue entering her mouth at the same time as his cock entering her pussy pushed her over the edge and Killian felt it, the gripping of his cock, and he gave it a few more strokes before he released inside of her, hearing his name echoing in his ear as she kept murmuring it and stroking his back.

He pulled back slightly and she just wrapped her legs around him as he laid against her, their sweat making their bodies slippery, but Emma just kept running her hands through his hair and down his back, listening to his pants against her neck.

"Oh stars, Emma," he said as he rolled them to their side, "What was that?"

She giggled, "I was pretty sure  _you_ would know."

Killian smirked at her, his eyes still closed, "Oh I know  _what_ we did," he opened his eyes to look at her earnestly. "You were beautiful, thank you."

A blush hit her face, but she squeaked out a "So were you," and she snuggled closer to his body, knowing she needed to clean up but at the same time enjoying the warmth.

He pulled back, reading her thoughts, "Hold that thought, I intend to stay in bed the rest of the evening." And went into her bathroom, exiting with two damp washcloths; he used one to gently clean up her lower half and legs where his seed had slid down and the other to wipe himself down. Once that was done, she pulled him back into bed and wrapped her legs around him again.

"I'd be careful, in that position we're likely to have a repeat," he warned her, but she smiled at him.

"I wouldn't mind that," she twirled a bit of his hair around her fingers, "You know, I had a really good week."

"Did you now?" he murmured, kissing her throat lightly and nuzzling it.

"Humhmhmmm," she stretched further along his body, "I'm giving you much of the credit, even if you were only the cherry on top - you've been so wonderful and I can't believe -"

He kissed her before she could finish her sentence, a deep and somewhat lazy kiss that she returned gladly. When it was done, he simply said, "Whatever happens after this, you need to remember that I love you, Emma Swan. Always."

Her face dimmed slightly, not at the confession, but at his caveat; she didn't let it damper the mood though, because she was quite possibly the happiest woman in existence right now, so she just went with, "As you wish."

He smiled and kissed her nose, "I will always come for you, Princess." And at her shocked face, he laughed and nuzzled her again.

"Silly pirate," she whispered, "let's get some sleep."

"Of course," and he adjusted the position of his arms, pulling her head to rest against his chest, "I'll take you in tomorrow, if you'd like."

She kissed his salty skin and murmured, "Alright."

"Sleep well, my love." Killian whispered, and his last thoughts were of her claiming him, and he knew then and there that he would only ever be hers - as if there were any doubt. She had chosen him, and it was blind and reckless, but it was true; he hoped she never forgot that.

He smiled at the cheesy thought -  _chosen;_ and these were his last as they drifted off, his hand still twisting the locks of her hair as sleep claimed him.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** OKAY SO YEAH. YEAH I WENT THERE. This was always planned, down to even the very specific chapter number - it has been listed as "the chapter" since I created my writer's notebook. It just went way way more in depth with the smut/sex shenanigans than I had anticipated. I hope it was okay, I'm definitely not the best at it yet - I only have like my one shot and then just all my personal experience (WHICH IS, BTW, NOT THE SAME AS WRITING IT LKSJDFLKWE)

So, I hope you enjoyed this treat before the finale. I told you I'd get it in and I did - barely. PLEASE let me know what you thought of the chapter (and the finale, obviously!) via PM, ask/fanmail on tumblr (caishakalianah), or review! I will be there with fangirl bells on.

I just...my  _babies_. For those of you who are wondering, this is very much in character and I will explain later if it doesn't seem that way, just revel in the pleasure for now =)


	16. The Morning After

**Disclaimer:** The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's  _Once Upon a Time's_ intellectual property.

**Half of My Heart**

" _ **The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."**_

_**\- Bob Marley** _

_"Of course," and he adjusted the position of his arms, pulling her head to rest against his chest, "I'll take you in tomorrow, if you'd like."_

_She kissed his salty skin and murmured, "Alright."_

_"Sleep well, my love." Killian whispered, and his last thoughts were of her claiming him, and he knew then and there that he would only ever be hers - as if there were any doubt. She had chosen him, and it was blind and reckless, but it was true; he hoped she never forgot that._

_He smiled at the cheesy thought - chosen; and these were his last thoughts as they drifted off, his hand still twisting the locks of her hair as sleep claimed him._

* * *

His mind ran through the memory of the previous night - an unexpected, but glorious surprise - and he understood why sleep had rendered his memory imperfect; Killian hadn't slept that deeply for years. Registering that the movement had come from her turning over, he mimicked her position, running his eyes across her shoulders and partway down her back. Slightly disappointed that the sheets seemed to be covering the rest of her, he leaned in to kiss her neck briefly - not wanting to wake her just yet.

It was such a different experience than anything he had ever had - he's woken up pressed against many women before, but this was Emma. Killian's mind rolled with panic as he realized what had happened - that while it was amazing, it was perhaps not the best timing; and with that thought, he pulled his hands and body away from her warmth.

Sitting at the edge of the bed, memories hit him like a burst of ice - did they actually  _claim_ each other? He knew with every fiber of his being that he loved her, but in the harsh light of day he questioned whether or not she was emotionally ready at the time to make a clear decision. Sex was one thing, declarations however…

He groaned loudly, cut short when he heard a small rustling from the bed in response; shaking his head roughly he stood up and slipped some boxers on. Looking around for his phone he spotted it lying on the floor near his pants and snatched it up.  _5:45 AM,_ it read - plenty of time for her to sleep still.

He padded around and got his first look at her face in the middle of sleep. Her golden locks were mostly wrapped around her neck and there was a slight bit of drool slipping from the corners of her open mouth. Killian stood there, simply staring; at first glance, she looked quite the mess, but he never could see a flaw and think  _imperfection_ with Emma.

Moving slowly so as to not wake her he brushed his fingers against her cheek, whispering, "Remember what I said, remember that I love you." As he pulled his hand away, his eyes caught the necklace that was still hanging around her neck – he was always surprised that she wore it, but he had never asked her why. He supposed his mother was still looking after him, though he didn't think this situation was quite what she had in mind originally.

Killian smirked and turned to leave, shutting the door quietly before heading into the girls' kitchen to prepare a true pre-test feast.

* * *

 _Emma felt bewildered, wandering around the glitzy ballroom in an over-the-top red dress and curled hair. The music was unfamiliar and_ live,  _and the men seemed to actually be inviting women to dance properly._

 _As she looked around at the glittering arches, she spotted a man in the back corner with his eyes on the rest of the guests - looking like he was practicing brooding as an art form - but as Emma was approached by a man requesting to dance, she realized that he wasn't watching the other guests - he was watching_ her.

_By all logic that should have terrified her, but as she was twirled by the stranger - his name was Neal, apparently - she found herself looking back at the man in the corner whenever possible._

_The scene shifted and her dress shifted to a more modest cut in a white gown with a glittering tiara - that was quite heavy - on her head. As Emma's eyes shifted to the side, she realized the man from the dance - Neal - was beside her in what could only be described as a wedding ceremony._

_Glancing nervously back she again spotted the man from before, standing stoically in a line behind her assumed husband; he was still watching her, but this time she felt the heartache radiating from him even though she didn't understand._

_Another shift, later that evening in a bed chamber, Neal knelt in front of her and reminded her that he had promised a gift for he; at that he whistled, and two men walked in dragging another between them._

_She gasped at the blood running down his face and bare chest - riddled with lashes already - and as Emma involuntarily fell to the ground; she recognized his face and whispered, "Killian."_

_"Very good, darling," Neal replied, "I told you I would present you with a gift on our wedding night, do you find it agreeable?"_

_All Emma could do was sob and shake her head, for Killian was unconscious, and Neal hummed out loud in obvious thought._

_"You see, Emma, I knew he loved you - and though it may have been but a small flame, it was there in you as well - and I simply could not have that looming over us." He walked over and waved the guards away, letting Killian slump into Emma's lap. "Your gift, my darling Emma, is that you got to hold him in your arms at least once-" he pulled a dagger from his boot, "before he dies," and thrust it into Killian's heart._

_Emma's wracking sobs were the only sounds echoing in that chamber that night when the guards and her new husband left._

Gasping loudly, Emma Swan woke up naked in a bed of rumpled sheets, flashes of images scrolling through her mind as her heart beat rapidly. She rolled onto her back, pulling at her necklace to ground her haywire mind; closing her eyes, Emma walked through her surroundings. Nightmares used to be fairly common before her high school days, and running her mind through her physical location always seemed to help.

She patted down her chest and body, registering that she was naked, and then spread her hands through the sheets before looking over to the other side and gasped at the very clear body impression. Memories locked in her sleepy brain rushed to the forefront as Emma remembered in a flood why she felt sore and satiated.

Killian. Fuck. She couldn't even blame alcohol - she had chosen this sober last night, and despite her horrified reaction she smiled - then scowled. What was going on with her? Fights and a break with Neal, late night confessions and nights with Killian, listening too much to Mary Margaret's love advice, stress from school and the LSAT - this wasn't who Emma Swam was. She held everything with a firm grip and barreled through any obstacles, because ultimately all she had was herself.

She felt the touch of his hair against her thighs last night, mixed with the dead and bloody weight of him in her dreams, and shuddered. Whatever her dream was about, it told her one thing: Killian Jones would bring her nothing but heartache.

Sitting up slowly, she heard his "I love you" in her ear, her affirmation in response, and shook her head trying to convince herself it was a dream as well - albeit a much more pleasant one.

Her fingers still ran the pendant up and down the heavy chain until it hit the clasp and she quickly undid it, sliding it off her throat. It felt heavier in her hands, as though it didn't approve of being taken off - though she knew it was just her guilt betraying her. Setting the pendant face down on the side table, Emma snatched a large shirt and loose pajama pants to wear in case he was still there, though there seemed to be no sign of his clothes.

She took a deep breath and grasped the doorknob, slowly turning it as a wall of apathy wiped her face of emotion before she stepped out into the room - unsure if she wanted him to still be there, or if relief would hit her when he wasn't.

* * *

Killian had stumbled his way through the girls' cabinets - he was familiar with some of it, but it would be a lie to say he wasn't a least a bit antsy in anticipation of Emma waking up. He had decided to make the same breakfast that just a few months ago had kicked off their semester, with Emma demanding special pancakes and running after the overgrown man-child that was her boyfriend.

It was surreal to stand here after last night - sure he always made breakfast on morning-afters, but with this - with Emma - everything was enhanced and jittery.

He was in the middle of mixing the pancake batter when he heard a door click shut and froze mid-stir, hearing soft padding of feet walk slowly towards him; he avoided looking at her, fearing it had all been a rose colored dream.

"So, what do your one night stands usually do at this point?" Emma's voice brought his head up to finally look at her, and his face immediately mimicked hers: emotionless.

"You'd have to ask them, I suppose." He broke eye contact with her and turned around to set the mixture on the counter.

Emma laughed nervously, "Well I doubt they've stuck around after all this time, and I just find myself curious what the protocol is for these things," she twirled a loose pajama tie through her fingers as she watched his body language.

Killian shoved off the counter and moved right in front of her, making her jump slightly, "There is no proper protocol, Emma, because whatever  _that_ was it was certainly not a one night stand." He lifted her hand and linked his fingers with hers, squeezing them - imploring her to not run from this; even though his Swan was a bit of a flight risk, he was determined to have it not be in fear this time.

Emma just stared at their hands, "Thank you for last night, Killian, but-" letting out a long sigh, she stepped around him, breaking contact - "it was most certainly a mistake. I was overwhelmed by so many things - I haven't even talked to Neal and-"

"One day, Swan, you'll realize just how pathetic that excuse is." His sharp tone and glare made her gasp as he continued, "Why is it so difficult for you to just  _accept_ me? You were given a choice - and you  _chose me,_ but now it's equated to nothing but a one night stand?" Killian's voice went from sharp to desperate, and Emma felt the frustrated anguish in his voice.

She stared at him, trying to think of something to say in answer, and walked up to him placing a hand on his back, "You're just not the person for me, Killian. I used you in my emotional turmoil - it was wrong, and you don't deserve any of that." Feeling his muscles tense, she prepared herself for the rebuttal, but instead he just shuddered and walked back to the counter.

"I'm making pancakes," he said quietly, "if you want anything else let me know. Do you still need a ride to the test?"

"Will they be Mickey Mouse pancakes?" Emma teased, knowing the last time he made her pancakes she had demanded that very thing.

"No, not today. Not anymore."

Sighing, she nodded even though he couldn't see, "Alright, and yes a ride would be great. I guess I'll go get ready." Emma waited for a response, but all he did was grunt; she turned around and went into the bathroom to take a shower.

* * *

Awhile later, Emma came back and sat on one of the stools near the counter; Killian had a large stack of pancakes on one side of the stove, and a fresh omelet being finished. Neither one made any effort at conversation, so she spent the time going over the list of requirements for testing - pencil, registration ticket, erasers, sharpeners. She was so absorbed in her task she heard a throat clear and looked up into Killian's eyes that had held such love last night, but whose emotions were hidden from her now.

He set a plate down in front of her, "Here. When you're done we'll leave immediately."

Killian's mind was in a mixed place - fury, understanding, apathy, love - but ultimately he knew that at that point nothing he could say -  _or do_ \- could change her mind. She was a brick wall and only she had the strength to demolish it. He thought he could help before, but a cold dose of reality hit him as this morning unfolded - chasing wouldn't help with Emma, she had to  _want_ to be caught and no amount of declarations and actions would suffice until she decided herself.

It was unbelievable, the amount of denial she had to be in in order to claim she felt nothing for him and he was just being taken advantage of. He shook his head, and took a seat beside her in order to eat his breakfast as well.

Killian chuckled, remembering how he thought that making her pancakes again would be a cute gesture, and was met with a brush off and apathy.

"What's so funny?" Emma asked, trying to break the uncomfortable silence. Certain she was the cause of his amusement, it left her uneasy.

"Nothing, just laughing at myself." He quipped and went back to eating, leaving Emma alone with her thoughts once more.

Surprising himself, he asked her if she felt prepared for the test, wanting to avoid the awkward topics.

"Yes, you've been an excellent tutor as I said. I feel very prepared for it, but I don't have much choice - it's now or never."

Killian smiled at her compliment and shoveled more food into his mouth, "That's great, and just how many pencils are you arming yourself with?"

Emma snorted then scowled, "Only two, thank you very much."

"That are sharpened," Killian whispered under his breath.

Pretending to not hear him, she proclaimed it was time to leave and hopped off the stool. Killian held out her bag which she grasped her fingers brushing against his. Any skin contact was a stark reminder of how close they had been last night and she hurried out the door; Killian followed shortly, keys twirling around his fingers.

Emma found herself no longer surprised by his manners in opening the door - for her, it was a stark change from just three months ago when everything he did was suspect; now she recognized the sincerity of the actions and smiled.

The car ride was quiet, with Emma mentally preparing for the test and Killian mentally preparing for the goodbye. He pulled up in front of the testing center on campus, thankful she wouldn't have to walk there, and they sat in silence as the car idled.

"I wanted -" Emma started.

"You should -" Killian followed, braving a glance in her direction and closing his mouth, gesturing for her to continue.

She flushed a bit as he made eye contact with her, however briefly, and cleared her throat. "I just wanted to thank you."

"For what? Told you I'd take you in today." Killian's voice was reserved, and though Emma understood, it hurt her. She let the silence drag on as she played with the zipper on her bag, watching his jaw clench and unclench from the side as he refused to look at her. He was angry, that much was clear, but she couldn't blame him. For her, last night was a mistake - but for him…

Emma leaned over to kiss his cheek before leaving, but he moved his head towards her before she made it - their lips hovering with only inches between them. She felt his breath hit her face as she made eye contact finally; the tension from last night that spilled over was renewed, and she leaned in to press her lips against his again.

After a brief moment, she realized he wasn't following her lead - indeed, he pulled away slowly, as if it pained him each second. Emma went to say something, but Killian stopped her, "Your boyfriend is here. I'll see you later, Swan."

At that, he turned his face back to looking through the front window of the car, leaving Emma to awkwardly slink back into her seat and open the door, shutting it a bit more forcefully than she had to. She shook off the emotions that set to plague her mind, needing a clear head before the exam, and walked towards the steps of the building.

Sure enough, Neal was standing there looking around for her, presumably; "Emma! Hey babe, came to wish you luck," he leaned in to kiss her and she accepted it - not wanting more drama this morning.

But as his presumption hit her, her face hardened and she threw her hair back, "Neal, I told you I needed space until  _after_ the test, not ten minutes before." Emma moved past him, just wanting to get into the building to sign in, but Neal grabbed her arm as she went by.

"That's all you have to say to me? I came all this way -"

Emma pulled away forcefully, "And  _no one_ asked you to. In fact, I  _asked_ you explicitly to  _stay away."_ At that, she readjusted her bag and headed for the door, turning around to take a last look to see if he was following her. He wasn't, but Killian was still there, watching her - staying until she made it safely inside.

What must he think about her, now that Neal was right in front of them? She shook her head and handed her ID and registration papers to the lady at the check-in table. No time for that - only time for testing the boundaries of logic and mental agility; Emma cackled out loud at the image.

* * *

An hour later, Emma was opening the second section of her LSAT booklet, the infamous  _Logic Games._ Anyone who saw her would think she was in a serious mental test taking mood, but Emma's mind was filled with memories of her studies with Killian, and a smile danced around her lips as she turned to the first one.

_An advertising executive must schedule the advertising during a particular television show…_

* * *

Three hours later, the smile was but a distant memory as Emma's  _mental agility_ had been dragged out back and beaten with a baseball bat. She slipped her bag across her chest and walked outside to sit on the steps and wait for Mary Margaret.

She was soaking in the first bit of sunlight she had seen all morning when the last voice she expected hit her ears, "Went that well, eh Swan?"

Emma turned to see Killian standing there, freshly showered and shaved, and her inability to speak dragged the silence on to an awkward state.

Killian stood there, his joking manner a relic of the years he'd spent hiding his feelings for her; it was painful but workable for this moment. He sensed that she had enough on her mind than to drag matters of the heart into it as well.

He edged closer, having put a good bit of space between them but discovering he couldn't keep that distance for long. She finally gathered her wits and sputtered, "I thought Mary Margaret was picking me up?"

He chuckled inwardly; as he should have known his Swan would avoid all topics of importance. "Yes, well, she begged me as 'something came up' - and don't ask me what, because I have no idea." He held up his hands before she could harass him for further information.

Pouting, she said, "Well okay, I guess we'd better go then."

Killian nodded and reached out his hand to help her down the steps; she hesitated briefly - something that shot through his heart and lingered - but accepted his help nonetheless. Deciding to push the limit and force a conversation, he dipped his lips against her ear, "So are you going to tell me what you thought about it?"

Emma glared and yanked herself away and headed off towards the parking garage.

Smirking, Killian followed, "Of course, I meant the test, love…"

" _Don't_ call me that."

"You didn't seem to mind it last night,  _love."_ Killian knew he was pushing her buttons, but was willing to do anything to elicit a reaction from her on the topic.

"I  _told_ you it was a mistake that meant far more to you than it did to me, and it was just a one-time thing." She huffed and yelled back at him, not even sure where she was going, but determined to get there nonetheless.

"Well then, just give me the heads up on when you tell Neal, so I can watch my back." Killian knew there was no reason to say that, to goad her, and certainly he was more than capable of defending himself, but nothing else came to mind.

At that, Emma turned around, "Despite my folly last night, my stance on Neal is still the same - I am  _done_ with him and  _you and I_ are never going to even start." She stalked to Killian, finger pointed at him, "In fact, take me to his place and I'll show you. However, make  _no_ mistake, I will be  _alone_ \- therefore  _free_ \- for as long as I wish it."

Killian let her passionate statements waft around him before responding, "Emma, you can do whatever you wish lass, but to deny even a little bit of the reality of last night - it's just bad form."

"Bad form? Like seducing a taken woman with  _months_ of continuous flirtations and declarations?"

Killian bit back his retort and instead walked past her to the car, getting in and waiting for her to follow - which she did, after a while; she didn't even have the decency to look contrite about the low blow.

* * *

After yet another silent car ride, they sat in front of Neal's house - unannounced - and Killian spoke finally, "So why now?"

Emma looked over at him, seeing only curiosity and not anger, and sighed, "He just deserves an explanation – I haven't been the girlfriend he deserves for a very long time. We've just been going through the motions and it's not right. I owe him."

Nodding, Killian managed to not point out the tipping point in her self-awareness - himself - because this was hard enough for her. "Do you want me to wait here?"

Smiling, Emma shook her head, "No, I think I'll be awhile and I've already wasted enough of your time."

He rubbed her cheek and smiled, "Never wasted if it's with you, love."

Instead of rebuking him for his endearment, she just opened the door and walked up to Neal's place. True to his nature, Killian was still waiting for her to enter the house and show she was safe.

Emma took a deep breath and went to unlock the door, when she realized that Neal's front door was slightly ajar. She furtively looked back at Killian before entering - and immediately was accosted by smoke; normal smoke this was not as it had the distinct odor of drugs _._

"Neal?" She called out, and heard a soft female voice groan. Emma walked slowly towards his bedroom, her chest pounding, and opened the door.

She had been prepared for what she considered the worst thing to walk in on - and unfortunately she was only half right. Neal was there, slumped in bed with a naked woman beside him, a fresh tourniquet in his arm and a needle on the ground.

She gasped and ran over to shake him, the woman just moaned and tried to shove her away, "Go away, bitch, he's  _fine._ Just another day, right baby?" The woman ran her fingers across his chest, her eyes heavy.

Emma backed away with her hand to her mouth, and Killian – who had followed her in after her fearful look back at him - ran past her to check his pulse, "It's faint, we should probably get him to the hospital."

Killian looked over at Emma, who was in shock, "Emma! Call the hospital, let them know what's going on and that we're on our way. We can't wait for an ambulance." Killian undid the band around Neal's arm and lifted him from the bed, much to the outrage of the woman still in it.

He huffed a bit at the exertion, but Emma had recovered enough to open the back door of the car for him to slip Neal inside.

They arrived at the hospital emergency entrance and though it was highly discouraged, they sent a gurney out to transport Neal to the ER, Killian giving the nurse a brief description of the scene and suspected ailment. Neal still hadn't regained consciousness.

Killian walked back to the car, where Emma still sat, knowing she could do very little for him in the ER but wait. She looked up at Killian and saw his lips moving, but she couldn't understand anything. Before she knew it, she slapped him across the face.

He was stunned to see Emma turn bright red in  _anger,_ "This is  _your_ fault, Jones. Make no mistake: if he doesn't make it, this is on  _you."_ At that, she walked inside with tears - of anger or despair - on her cheek, leaving Killian with a bright red spot on his face and confusion in his head.

Knowing better than to push a person in their grief, he resolved to call Emma's best friends - Mary Margaret and David. He dialed the contact, and after a very brief description he was off the phone and they were on their way.

Sighing, Killian looked around outside, unsure of what to do; ultimately he turned towards the ER waiting room and took a spot next to Emma who was glaring at him as he did so. He sat there for a few minutes before putting an arm around her and pulling her head to his shoulder. At first, she resisted - much like a doll which would move to position, but would never mold to it - but then Emma turned her head into his neck and he felt her tears as she sobbed.

They didn't say anything, but all he heard was her repeated phrase, " _All my fault. All my fault,"_ and with that, Killian chose to say nothing. He just let her cry over her boyfriend's danger, all the while battling the fact that he was more worried about Emma's state of mind than Neal's.

Because Emma would always come first.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Okay, first off don't kill me for this chapter's direction, second off don't kill me for my  _fucking forever impromptu hiatus._ I'm sorry, it was so rude to my readers =( I didn't anticipate it, but here we are anyway. I have most of the next chapter done, so there won't be any huge delays (maybe a few days?). I know lots were surprised at the events in the previous chapter, but I'm firmly set that both those and the ones in this chapter were in character for our babies. Oh, Emma...

Anyhoo, how is everyone?! Summer? School? Work? Play? Let me know! And tell me how much you want to kill me for the delay, I can take it. I'll be back haunting your tumblr dashboard, so poke me here or there (caishakalianah).


	17. The Confession

**Disclaimer:** The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's  _Once Upon a Time's_ intellectual property.

**Half of My Heart**

_**"I wish sometimes that the gods would either choose better, or make their wishes clearer”** _

_**\- Jacqueline Carey, Kushiel's Chosen** _

_He was stunned to see Emma turn bright red in anger, "This is your fault, Jones. Make no mistake, if he doesn't make it, this is on you." At that, she ran inside, tears - of anger or despair - on her cheek, leaving Killian with a bright red spot on his face and confusion in his head._

_Knowing better than to push a person in their grief, he resolved to call Emma's best friends - Mary Margaret and David. He dialed the contact, and after a very brief description he was off the phone and they were on their way._

_Sighing, Killian looked around outside, unsure of what to do; ultimately he turned towards the ER waiting room and took a spot next to Emma, who was glaring at him as he did so. He sat there for a few minutes before putting an arm around her and pulling her head to his shoulder. At first, she resisted - much like a doll, who would move to position, but would never mold to it - but then Emma turned her head into his neck and he felt her tears as she sobbed._

_They didn't say anything, but all he heard was her repeated phrase, "All my fault. All my fault," and with that, Killian chose to say nothing. He just let her cry over her boyfriend's fate, all the while battling the fact that he was more worried about Emma's state of mind than Neal's._

* * *

Emma kept twisting her fingers in an attempt to look busy, fearing that Killian would try to talk to her; she wasn't sure she could really handle a conversation with the man she had just slept with while the man she had been with for five years was currently undergoing treatment for a drug overdose in a triage room.

She sat ramrod straight against the waiting room chair, refusing to turn her head to look at him - but she could see from the corner of her eye that he was leaning over with his elbows on his knees, head in his hands. Emma finally turned her head towards him, mesmerized by his fingers that were gripping his hair in what she assumed was frustration at having to be here still.

"You don't have to stay here, you know. I'm perfectly fine alone," she stated, realizing she sounded snippier than usual.

A long sigh went through his body as Killian finally sat up and looked at her, "Sorry Princess, but I'm not going anywhere." He held her eyes a bit longer before she glared at him and crossed her arms, huffing.

The entire event had strained Emma to her breaking point; as Neal's emergency contact, she was the person the doctors had to ask before they did anything - not that she knew anything about medicine. All she knew was that his pulse had been extremely low and he was unresponsive as Killian carried him to the car. She didn't even know what type of drugs he had been using, and cursed herself even more for not checking. Emma Swan was not someone who broke down under extreme circumstances.

Surprisingly, Killian had remained utterly calm and remarkably observant, answering most of the doctors' questions. He relished in the brief hours when Emma clutched onto his arm like he was her lifeline, feeling sick pleasure that Neal's mistake gave him a little more time with Emma.

He was concerned about Neal, of course, but he knew the doctors were dealing with him the best way they knew how - it's the family and loved ones in the waiting room that always went without help. Killian shrugged away the memories and looked at the now-huffy and exasperated Emma. In a way, Killian was extremely pleased that she was being snippy towards him - it meant the initial shock and stress was becoming manageable. He would happily be her punching bag until Mary Margaret and David showed up to distract her.

He had assumed that the couple would be on their way immediately, however shortly after Killian's call, there was another emergency at the club that they had to take care of - leaving Killian with a stressed out Emma who didn't want him around tonight; of that, Killian was certain.

Emma was still processing the events of the past few days - trying to keep her mind busy while her boyfriend was hanging by a thread - and chuckled bitterly that in the past 48 hours she had broken it off with her boyfriend, slept with her brother's best friend, had same best friend confess his love for her, taken the LSATs, and discovered her current boyfriend was a drug addict and cheater. What a lovely few days, but despite all that Neal had done apparently, Emma couldn't deny that this entire situation was her fault. These types of things never happen to people who felt loved, she thought miserably.

As she mimicked Killian's posture before - head in her hands - she felt Killian shift and get out of the chair; lifting her heard, she caught Mary Margaret and David walking into the waiting room. Mary Margaret naturally had a frantic, motherly look on her face while David took in Emma's body language and shot Killian a 'what's going on?' look. Emma could barely get out of the chair before Mary Margaret rushed over beside her, gripping Emma's hands tightly, apologizing for being so late.

"It's alright, I wasn't alone," Emma sullenly said - she had to give it to Killian, he never left her alone to fend for herself even though he had every right to bail on her after this morning and afternoon.

Mary Margaret just nodded, worried for her two friends - and the one in the hospital. It was very clear that more was going on than just the overdose, but she held her tongue.

David and Killian watched the two women huddle near each other for comfort, while the two of them just stood in silence. David finally broke it, "You okay man? I know these places aren't easy-"

Killian cut him off, "I'm fine, thanks though. I'm just focused on Emma right now. It helps."

Emma's brother just nodded and placed a hand on Killian's shoulder in a quiet show of thanks, but something he had said stuck in his mind. "You seem to be focused more on her lately, anything I should know?"

Killian raised his eyebrows and stared a little at his friend, shocked that David had picked up on the underlying tension, but deflected anyway, "Are you sure this is the right time to discuss this type of thing?"

David sighed and shook his head in defeat, "Fine, but don't think I'll forget, Jones."

At that, Killian broke into a rare genuine smile, "I'd never dream that you would forget anything, David."

As the two men finally walked over to the women in their life, Mary Margaret whispered quietly to Emma, "While it might be the best timing, it  _is_ about time." Emma looked at her curiously and Mary Margaret nodded towards Killian - she had tried very hard to not say anything, but her excitement overflowed despite the somber mood.

Emma huffed and stood up to give David a hug, thanking him quietly for coming.

Mary Margaret spoke as they all sat down in a circle, "So what happened? I only let Killian get out the 'Neal, hospital, come help Emma' message before I ran off."

Emma shot a look at Killian that was not unexpected given the reason for his presence in all of this, but he kept his face passive, letting her take the lead on explaining. With a deep breath, Emma launched into the outline of events and what was currently happening - glossing over the particular reasons why she was going to Neal's shortly after the test.

Killian watched her explain how she had found him and called the hospital, and noted with displeasure that she withheld the other presence in the room - the woman who had been in bed with her boyfriend. However, it was her decision and so he left it at that, picking up the explanation on what the doctors were currently doing and when he finally finished, Mary Margaret started sobbing inexplicably.

"I'm so sorry, Emma. I should have been there, but I asked Killian to go pick you up and now look at me, I wasn't there for my best friend." Tears flowed down her face as Emma pulled her friend into an awkward hug, but then David interrupted.

"Why did you send Killian instead? You were home still, doing homework before you came to meet me at the bar."

Mary Margaret just sniffled a little, trying to evade the question - because really she had no answer that didn't make her looking like a meddling friend. Emma however, knew better and pulled away from Mary Margaret and just glared at her; it wasn't that she was angry, but she didn't like people meddling in her affairs and her friend had a nasty habit of it.

Before anyone could force the answer out of Mary Margaret, Neal's doctor showed up - Dr. Whale, to be precise - and Emma broke away from her friends to stand directly in front of him.

"What's the update, doc?" Killian asked before anyone else could.

Dr. Whale looked away from Emma and addressed the group, "I assume you're all friends with the patient, so you should be aware that he is going to be okay - he's going to be asleep for the rest of the evening. You should be able to visit him when he wakes up." He handed Emma a couple of pamphlets, "You should look into these, all of them are reputable local addiction clinics. I'll have a counselor come and visit with you after he's awake so you can talk to him together, if you're interested. He won't survive another overdose like this."

Emma nodded, and felt a hand against her back and stiffened, knowing it was Killian's. She turned around, "You guys don't have to stay, but I want to stay overnight so I'm here when he wakes up."

Killian backed up a few paces and grabbed the back of his neck, not quite sure what to do, "So, I can go pick up some overnight stuff for you then." And with that he started off towards the entrance when Mary Margaret yelled out for him to stop.

Turning around, he didn't miss David's incredulous look for his girlfriend as she offered that her and David would go select some things for Emma's overnight stay instead. Emma started to argue, since they had really only just arrived, but Mary Margaret had already begun to drag David off past Killian, who was left alone staring at a now-furious Emma.

He cleared his throat, "Just so you know, love, I had nothing to do with that."

"Don't call me that." She ground out before slinking back into the uncomfortable waiting room chair. Emma watched him settle back into the chair beside her and she muttered, "I wish you'd just leave. This is hard enough without you here, reminding me of my mistake."

Killian leaned his head back against the wall and stared at the ceiling, contemplating her words. "I don't really know where else I should be, that's the thing."

Emma decided to just close her eyes and hope it was all a dream, and that she could spin back a few days to save herself all the drama.

Killian waited until she had fallen asleep, looking dreadfully uncomfortable, and tucked her head on his shoulder and into his body; just like this morning, she stayed asleep which was just as well - the last thing he wanted was for her to get worked up over him again.

Despite being achingly exhausted, Killian couldn't bring himself to fall asleep in the waiting room - too many memories stirred in his mind and he itched to call Liam. He wasn't sure how his life had turned inside out - he had put it all on the line only to have it be flipped right back the next day; he must love challenges more than he ever knew, he thought as he laid his head on hers and smelled the shampoo she had used earlier, still miraculously lingering.

An hour or so later, he felt the presence of two people watching them and opened his eyes to find Mary Margaret with a smirk and David with a curious look. It was the latter that talked first, "How can you be so calm in this place?" David kept looking around at all the crying and frantic people in the main area and was baffled at how Killian could be so unfrazzled - he himself was a bit frayed at the ends and he had only been here for a few minutes.

Killian just shrugged, "Waiting rooms aren't the worst things about hospitals," and neither one knew quite how to respond, but they were saved when Emma opened her eyes and sat up.

She smiled at her friends and took the bag they gave her when Dr. Whale came up again, "He's not sleeping very well even with the medicine we gave him, he keeps asking to see you." He said, motioning towards Emma.

Emma stood up firmly and walked away with Dr. Whale; no would have known that she was a bundle of nerves on the inside. Something told her that if Neal was resisting sleep just to talk to her, then it was bound to be unpleasant; she feared deeply that whatever guilt she felt would be amplified by what he had to say.

She entered the room, Dr. Whale ushered the nurse out, who left instructions to call if they were needed. Neal had several wires attached to various places, but still whispered hello when Emma came up beside his bed.

"Hi," Emma said softly, her brow creasing at the situation.

There was a long stretch of silence before she couldn't stand it any longer and blurted out, "Why did you never tell me what was going on?"

Neal sighed and closed his eyes, "Emma, I've been a drug dealer for  _years._ The jobs you knew about were just fronts; I'm not smart like you, it's just something I've done to make a living since we were in high school."

"Since high school?!" Emma said, louder than she should have been .

Neal opened his eyes and laughed in her face, "Yeah, some girlfriend you were, to never notice. The entire school and campus knows I'm a dealer, hell I sell most of them their drugs, but naturally little miss Emma Swan never paid enough attention to realize what was happening."

Emma took a few steps back trying to process the depth of the deception, "How dare you suggest that me  _trusting_ my boyfriend when he tells me what he's doing with his time!" Guilt was slowly being replaced by anger as Neal finally told her what had been pushing at his mind for the past six months.

"You want to know why I never told you? It's because I never once believed you'd hang around."

"That's ridiculous. Of course I would have, I love you," Emma said, surprising herself with the present tense.

"Yeah, but you sure didn't show it, so I don't believe you. I was just a convenience. I knew that once you graduated I'd be thrown out - maybe not in so many words, but essentially. I started hanging out more with Amy, since you never had time for me, and it became a regular thing."

Emma bit her lip as she had forgotten about the other betrayal, the woman in his bed. Internally, she was devastated that he didn't feel he could talk to her about his issues - especially that he didn't think she loved him. They had been together for five years, and she scoffed at his excuses.

"I don't even know how I'm supposed to look at you right now," Emma said as she turned to walk out the door.

Before she left, Neal called out, "You never did anyway, so what does it matter now?" and as she shut the door she slid down, tears falling from her face.

After a few minutes she stood up and went back to see her friends, who were anxiously awaiting any news.

Killian was the first to notice her, he was so attuned to her presence that he turned directly to her and saw her face. He stopped pacing immediately, which drew David's interest and looked towards his sister.

Emma ignored them all and just kept walking, but Killian didn't miss the red rimmed eyes and wet cheeks.  _That bastard,_ he thought. He went to go after her, but David stopped him with a hand to his chest, "Let me take this one, she's my sister."

With that, only Mary Margaret and Killian were left - and he eyed her warily, sensing that she knew too much of what was going on with him and Emma. He took another seat, and she just kept staring at him.

"You know, I never liked you all that much," she started, earning a strained laugh from Killian. "No it's true, I always thought you were the bad boy rich kid, but I saw glimmers of good in you so I didn't say anything."

She sat down beside him and looked him in the eye, "I'm sorry for that, I was wrong - I know that now."

Killian nodded in accceptance of the apology, but after a few minutes she picked up again, "I know about you and Emma," she whispered as he tensed up. "I just wanted to say, don't stop because of all of this. She needs someone to keep fighting for her."

He shrugged, "I don't think it matters much anymore, she's made herself quite clear even before this thing with Neal."

Mary Margaret nodded, but added, "Well, if there's one thing for certain - it's that Emma will be even harder to win over now, by anyone. I hope that you can help her more than anyone."

* * *

Emma's tears were drying on her face as she stepped through the automatic doors and into the cool night air. She shivered a bit and David, who had just followed her out, slipped his jacket around her shoulders.

"Thanks," she whispered, but couldn't get anything else out.

David just nodded and stood beside her, waiting for her to speak - something he had experience with, growing up with Emma's standoffishness.

"What am I supposed to do with a junkie boyfriend?" She asked softly, with a hint of incredulity. "I never planned for this, everything was going so well…" trailing off, she turned and just hugged David.

Surprised, David hugged her tightly to him, "I think you just need a day or two to process what happened, and then you'll both be able to talk about the future rationally."

She choked a bit of a laugh out and he felt it against his chest and pulled tighter, trying to express that he was there for her like a brother should be.

Emma pulled away after a little while and looked up at David, "I'm too young for all of this."

David kissed her forehead and replied, "Maybe, but the Emma I know doesn't let that stop her in anything else."

She gave him a tiny smile and looked back up at the night sky, wishing she could see the stars behind all the bright city lights. What she couldn't admit to David was that a large portion of her sadness and guilt with Neal was sitting with Mary Margaret in the waiting room, being infuriatingly helpful. Emma couldn't admit to anyone that on a night when all thoughts should be centered on her currently hospitalized boyfriend, all she could think about was Killian Jones.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Okay so this was a short transition-esque chapter, but it's better than waiting a few more days IMO. There are 11 more chapters left, and would it be insane to suggest that I hope to finish this before the premiere? One chapter a day, can I do it? I can! It's been a bit of a wild summer, but I'm in the groove again and I'm not going to push it off just so I lose it again! Plus, more OUAT! I'm planning a rewatch while I write ;D

Please leave a comment or message me directly =) I want to talk everything, even summer and school and work stuffs. Tumblr is caishakalianah, as ever. Muah!


	18. The Fall

" _ **So it's true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love."  
― E.A. Bucchianeri**_

After a little while, Emma asked to be left alone and David acquiesced, leaving her alone outside the hospital. She always felt most comfortable by herself, but she knew that it hurt David and even though she would never tell him - he knew. He tried to ignore the feelings of inadequacy as he went back inside.

Emma looked around for something to sit on and finally plopped down on a bench and let out a heavy sigh. The anger and betrayal she had felt initially had been drained by Neal's insistence that it was all her fault - she was unapproachable and didn't appear to care, never noticed anything wrong. She didn't understand it - she had loved him for years, he was always there with her for anything they did, shared the same circle of friends - what had changed?

They had only ever fought about her dedication to getting into law school, something he saw as unnecessary. They had fought about it all summer, and into the fall; Emma had just assumed he was eager to be on equal footing again - both of them out of school, but clearly she had misread the situation horribly.

The more she thought about what had changed between Neal and Emma, the clearer the answer became: Killian. That damned man had spent the past five months distracting her and carrying her away from what she always did. Her anger finally had a direction - it wasn't Neal,  _she_  had allowed herself to drift from him and not see what was right in front of her - because of the distraction that Killian provided. The stupid 'study sessions' that he had weaseled his way into, the constant presence that had surrounded her the past few months all amounted to her falling under his spell and led to last night; but it was all wrong, he was poisonous. Without him, her life would have been perfectly fine, she thought.

She grabbed her phone out of her pocket and sent Mary Margaret and David a text saying she needed to go back to the apartment for the evening to get some space instead of staying at the hospital all night. It was clear that both she and Neal needed time to process, and with her new revelation she needed to get as far away from Killian as possible; her body vibrated with anger at two men.

Mary Margaret's phone went off in the waiting room and she started gathering her things to leave, he held up his hand to ask what was going on. "Oh, Emma's just going to stay at the apartment tonight, she said she needs some time before coming back to see him," Mary Margaret fiddled with her phone, and Killian connected the pieces together. Emma hadn't let him know - she had made her decision on who deserved her anger and it apparently wasn't the cheating, drugged out boyfriend in the hospital room - it was him.

Mary Margaret watched him put the pieces together and gave him a small smile of sympathy before heading off with David.

He sighed and sat back down in the waiting room, not wanting to go back to the apartment building that was so close to Emma. Killian chuckled with the irony of him being the only one to stay for news of Neal; after awhile, he finally crumbled and called Liam - something he had been loathe to do due to the time difference. However, in case of emergency...

Liam answered warily, "What's wrong?" His voice was heavy with sleep naturally, but his tone was filled with caution - his brother didn't call for just any reason.

The other line was silent for awhile before a big huff of breath sounded in the receiver, "I just needed my brother right now, how are things on the other side of the Atlantic?" Killian asked cheerfully, knowing his brother wouldn't push too much.

Liam groaned and sat up, deciding to play a long and filled a few minutes with inane chatter about work before he was finally interrupted by Killian, "I had to go to a hospital today for a friend, I can't leave the waiting room," he whispered.

There was silence on the other end and he could hear shuffling as Liam left where ever he was and closed a door, "What happened?"

"One of my friend's boyfriends had a drug overdose and we found him…" Killian noted the he still associated Neal as Emma's boyfriend primarily, but couldn't bring himself to feel bad about it. With a large breath he continued, "So I sat there with her while they helped him out, basically...and now I can't seem to go home. They just left him to the doctor's care and..." Liam heard him take a ragged breath and asked the question at the forefront of his mind.

"It's Emma, right?" Liam laughed a little bit, "Boy, if she doesn't know what she means to you yet, she should now."

"Why should she now? She ran off and yet I'm the one stuck here out of…" He paused and then scoffed, "She doesn't know anything about that and why would she? Anyway, she's not in the best state of mind; I'm fairly certain she's more pissed at me than anyone right now." Killian stood up and began to pace, drawing nervous looks from the nurses at the desk.

"And that's because…." Liam led on, trying to pull whatever was bothering Killian out.

"Just...stuff." Another sigh, "I think she feels like I distracted her from her boyfriend and so all of this is because of that." Killian fiddled with the car keys he still had, "Fuck it, I'm just going to leave," and finally walked to the car as his brother just hummed noncommittally.

"So where are you going to go now then?"

"I don't know, but I don't feel like going home yet. Might swing by the bar." Killian got in and started the car with a bit too much force, clicking the engine. He pushed his head back against the seat and closed his eyes, "She hates me right now - I know she does."

"I doubt it, brother. Anyone you love that much is bound to realize it at some point."

What Killian failed to mention was that Killian was positive she  _did_ realize it - the previous night proved it to him despite what her reaction was later. She just hated herself for it.

Liam's voice brought him back to his sad reality, "And don't drink too much; if you want to just keep talking, I'm here. Even if you are a bit of a wuss," he joked.

Killian glared at his phone as he pulled out of the parking lot, "I am not a wuss!"

"You definitely are. You sound like a defeated man right now, not the brother I raised." His brother was teasing, but Killian knew there was an undercurrent of truth; it's why he called him in the first place - he knew that he needed an infusion of support since everyone else was going to be focused solely on Emma, as they should be. The Killian-Emma situation was just a side story and undercurrent of what was really important at the moment.

So he just laughed and agreed with his brother, and they ended the call with Killian driving off to The Kingdom and towards a much needed break from reality.

* * *

The next morning, Emma woke again in her bed, except this time it was empty; she shoved that thought away -the part of her brain that immediately missed Killian's presence was a traitor. It had only been one night and her brain had already jump ship.

The necklace she had always worn sat on the bed stand taunting her; her hand had shot out to grab it on instinct, but she pulled it away slowly - consciously deciding to not put it on, resolving that today she would start anew.

She slipped out of the bed and tiptoed into the kitchen, trying not to wake Mary Margaret who was a notoriously light sleeper and for some reason had taken up residence on the couch sleeping instead of in her bedroom last night. Emma shook her head and poured a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and again attempted to shove thoughts of yesterday morning out of her mind, when Killian had been in this very kitchen cooking her breakfast. After a few mouthfuls of angry crunching, she suddenly glared at her fruit loops - he was  **everywhere now**.

She quickly lost her appetite and slammed the bowl into the sink, jostling Mary Margaret awake, "Emma?"

Having been caught in a moment of anger, Emma just blushed, "Sorry Mary Margaret, I tried to keep quiet this morning." It was true, but she hadn't expected her outburst - what was it about Killian that drew out these ridiculous emotions?

"That's alright, do you want me to go to the hospital with you today?" Mary Margaret's eyes were filled with empathy and Emma inwardly cringed; she definitely didn't need that right now.

Still though, she smiled at her best friend. "No, thanks though - I think it'll be better if I just go get him myself."

She walked over and sat on the edge of the couch and continued talking, "The doctors are okay to release him, but I think it's best if he stays here for awhile - is that okay? Just until we figure out about r...rehab." Emma stuttered a bit, still in shock that she had to deal with such a situation.

Mary Margaret agreed readily and left Emma to get ready and go. After she had showered and changed, Emma was just finishing up when there was a knock at the door. She looked through the security hole and growled involuntarily; she opened up the door forcefully, "What do you want?"

Killian Jones stood there with an impassive expression, as if he had anticipated her ire. Instead of answering, he just held out the keys to the bug that he had used yesterday.

She blinked and snatched them from his hand, "Thanks. I had forgotten." He didn't say anything so she just watched him, noting his disheveled appearance but deciding not to ask.

He just nodded and then gestured to her appearance, "Headed to the hospital then?"

"Uh, yeah. Probably going to bring him home today, they said he was doing well enough when I called." Emma fidgeted with the keys and kept staring at him, but his face showed no hint of his thoughts. Gone were the angry thoughts from this morning, as if her brain and body were content in his presence. She scowled at the thought.

Killian noticed her abrupt change in expression, "Good to hear-" He started, but she interrupted him.

"He'll be staying with me. I don't know why he hadn't been living with me before, but this is a sign that we need to take it to the next step in our relationship." She watched his face and felt a sick triumph when she saw his eyebrows furrow in confusion.

He finally spoke, "Well I'm headed up then, see you around," and just turned to leave.

Emma watched him, the anger she felt when she wasn't around him was tempered and she was just left with an unknown sadness. His voice pulled her back again as he turned around for one more comment.

"You know he'll have to detox, right? People going through withdrawal...they get angry and violent, Swan. You shouldn't do this without someone to help." His eyes were hooded as if he were remembering something; she ignored it, the anger coming back since he left her side.

"And what would you know about it, rich boy?" She slammed the door, immediately feeling regret for her words, but now was not the time. Shaking her head, she grabbed her bag and left the apartment to go talk with Neal, hoping that this time around their discussion wouldn't end in bitter tears.

* * *

She sat in the chair beside his bed, the room filled with silence. Emma was determined that even though she felt the brunt of the guilt in this wreck of a relationship, Neal would still have to apologize for his treatment of her yesterday.

Neal looked as awkward as he probably felt when he finally spoke, "I'm sorry about last night, Emma...obviously wasn't myself. You know I love you, right?" He lifted his hand and after a moment she grabbed it, staring at the eyes that were circled by dark bags and a gaunt face.

"Of course, and I love you. You should have told me what was going on, I thought we were stronger than that." She squeezed his hand in what she hoped was a comforting gesture.

He sighed, "I know, maybe we still can be?" He questioned with an undertone, not quite sure how she would respond.

Tears pricked her eyes, but Emma nodded, "Of course we can. We both made mistakes..." and as she started that sentence, she remembered Killian's words from that night -  _I love you, Emma. Always._ and she no longer knew who her tears were really for, but there wasn't time to think about it as she gripped her boyfriend's hand. "But you need to get help for all of this, okay? We can even go to counseling together, if you want, after you detox and...go to rehab." She whispered the last part as if she were afraid of his response.

He nodded, but inside he was wary of the idea. Emma hadn't even asked about the other woman; she just assumed it was a spiral of all the other issues going on - and it's not like she didn't have her own indiscretions. Even if they were on a temporary break, it wasn't  _that_ kind of break. She sighed heavily and went to finalize the paperwork to get him home, setting aside all the other issues they had for this one.

* * *

It had been a long week of adjustments for Emma and Neal, living together for the first time - and with Mary Margaret as a third roommate. There had been small fights about which rehab center to go to, and Emma's patience was starting to fray. She was beginning to think counseling was their first step, until Neal finally acquiesced to her top pick - a center right outside the city, and they could take him right after the first of the year. It was surprising, since Emma figured that would be the time of the largest influx of patients, but apparently Neal 'knew someone'.

Not to mention the fact that he had yet to go through withdrawal, something that he claimed was because it had just been one time; Emma believed him, but still put her foot down about rehab. Mary Margaret tried to keep her distance with the bickering couple, but David stepped in more than once to threaten Neal into complying with his sister's requests.

Nonetheless, Emma was ecstatic that he was going to get help and she felt bright and shiny for the first time since last Saturday. She opened the library doors for what was hopefully the last time that semester, needing to prepare for one last final before she was off for Christmas. She had been trying to stay away from the library in the past few weeks, since it held so many immediate memories of Killian, but she eventually didn't have a choice - most of the material she needed was only available in paper form and Neal was practicing his best hover boyfriend technique when she was at the apartment.

Sighing, she snapped the elevator button, not noticing the man at the front desk watching her intently. As she was unpacking her laptop and study guides when a throat cleared behind her and she jumped, turning around to give the person a glare.

It was not just any person, however, and definitely not a person who was scared of her glares.

Killian Jones stood there in his leather jacket and jeans, one hand stuffed in his pocket as he shifted his weight from foot to foot awkwardly. "Emma," Killian stated quietly, placing his hand on his temple and gesturing towards her. "How are you?"

She just shrugged and turned around, "Fine, just really need to study." Inside her heart was beating faster, hoping he didn't notice the tremble in her voice; she needed to stay strong.

"You've been avoiding me, I assume. I've not heard anything from you or about you in a week," he took a seat across from her and watched as she studiously ignored his eyes.

"There's no reason to purposely avoid you," she muttered. "I don't need to talk to you and so I haven't - I've had more important things to worry about than you."

Killian laughed, "If you think I'm worried about myself in all of this, I assure you I'm not. I'm worried about  _you._ I always have been."

Emma just scoffed, "Yeah right, like you don't care about whose bed I sleep in at night."

"Dammit, Emma, it's not just about  _that,_ don't you remember?" He stood up and walked up to her, taking her chin and moving her face upwards to look into his eyes. "It wasn't that long ago that I was the one holding your hand and helping you through your problems, you know."

Emma glared at him and jerked away, wanting to remark that she hadn't asked him to be there for her, but she was unable to because he kept going. "He's staying with you? Is he there as a friend or…how was the withdrawal?" He corrected himself mid question, as if he was scared to know what her answer would be; he knew, but confirmation from her would be too much.

"Oh come on, Jones. He's still my boyfriend, of course he's there for me," she answered the unspoken question and watched his face pinch in what she assumed was anger. "We're trying to make it work and decided that living together was the next step." She drove the knife in further, not knowing why she needed to, "Not that it's any of your business, though."

She flopped down into the cushy chair , trying her best to be nonchalant, "And just for your information, he didn't go through withdrawal because he's not an addict. It was just one time."

Killian let out a harsh laugh, "Don't be fooled, love. Not again."

She ignored him and began setting up her study space, turning on her computer to pull the list of cases she needed to review.

Killian continued on, "And I think it's very much my business how you define your relationship with him, you made it my business Friday night. Or do you need a refresher?" He ran his fingers down her cheek and pushed her hair back away from her neck, Emma caught herself leaning into his touch and jerked back.

"That's not funny Killian, and I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's truly none of your concern." She finished writing down the numbers and ripped the paper from her notebook and stood up to start her hunt for the right records.

Killian followed her, reminiscent of the first few times here early in the semester. "Does Neal know yet? About us?" He asked intently.

Emma threw her hands in the air, her head tilting back in exasperation, "No! Ugh, why would I tell him about that? It was of no consequence, and we were on a break anyway."

"I see, so you're scared of telling him that  _because_ of that night, you had decided to break up with him." He gently turned her around to face him, "And just so we're clear, you  _made_ this my business when you slept with me, don't deny that."

She shut her eyes, not wanting to give away her turmoil.  _Damn him,_ she thought, he always made it impossible to actually be angry with him _._ Furious, she stomped her foot, "Just stop! I was awful to him, I drove him to  _drugs._ I mean, what kind of girlfriend do I have to be for that to happen?" Her face was red and eyes watered up as she looked up at him, "This is all my fault, I can't tell him about what happened- it would destroy him," she finally whispered.

Killian sunk down to his knees, pleading with her, "Emma, please don't let him convince you that you are anything less than amazing. You don't deserve what he has and will put you through."

She kept eye contact and steeled herself for the final blow that would rid her of him, "It was just a one night stand with a man whore and even if I told him, it wouldn't mean anything to either of us."

Finally, Killian's façade broke and she saw the pain behind his eyes and just shook his head, "You know it was more than that, but fine. I'll leave you to your own destruction." He stood up and stared at her, waiting to see if she would say anything else.

Instead, Emma just sat there stoically.

"If this is just about helping him with his addiction, plenty of people do that every day without being in a romantic relationship. Stop hiding behind that and just tell me that you regret what we did."

He waited a bit longer, and then accepted her silent stubbornness as answer enough and walked away, electing to take the stairs so he wouldn't have to look at her a moment longer.

After awhile, Emma finally snapped out of her trance and realized what had happened and her eyes were red with unshed tears. She called Mary Margaret and after a few moments of inaudible stuttering, she began to sob, just repeating "It's not supposed to be like this, why does this hurt so much?"

Emma sat against the book shelves in the area that had once been her refuge, and miles away, all Mary Margaret could do was just listen and walk out to the balcony so that Neal wouldn't hear his girlfriend crying over another man.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Well I tried to do stuff faster this time, but I failed. This was brought to you by Eureka, faithful reviewer and guilt-tripper who inadvertently spun me to finishing this chapter. Leave your thoughts and anger towards me in the comments! As always you can find me on tumblr under the url caishakalianah.

In all seriousness, thank you to all of the reviewers and people who send me comments and asks on tumblr about the story. It is truly a blessing and I am very humbled by it. Please continue! If you review, I do my best to reply but if you're a guest reviewer I cannot =(

So...whose ready for our two hour mid-season finale?!


	19. The Search

**Disclaimer:** The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's  _Once Upon a Time's_ intellectual property.

**Half of My Heart**

" _ **Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled. You've got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it."  
― Ray Bradbury**_

The air was crisp and cold in the concrete bunker and Emma's nose filled with the musk of gun powder and metal. She glared at the target down the stretch, her boots scuffed the floor as she pulled the trigger again before setting her gun down on the plank of wood, her head following. Emma took a couple of deep breaths as the adrenaline washed through her down to her toes. She had missed this place, the secret retreat that she shared with very few.

"Emma girl, you going to tell me what has you all in a twitter?" Ruby spoke from behind her, but Emma remained in that position, head down on the plank, steeling herself for the explanation.

She heard Ruby on her left side talking to the other people that were at the shooting range. The sounds of gunfire slowly edged to a stop and after a few minutes everyone was gone except Emma. She lifted her head up at the sound of a stool being dragged to her side. The silence dragged on as Ruby sat there drumming her fingernails on the plank, waiting for her secretive friend to start talking.

Emma ran her fingers over the now-cold casing of her gun as she spoke, "My boyfriend cheated on me, did drugs, and now we're trying to work it out."

Ruby hmm'd at the confession and as she opened her mouth Emma let out a sharp laugh, followed by full on cackling -bending over trying to catch her breath. She wouldn't be surprised if Ruby thought her officially insane, but instead the dark haired woman just forced a tight smile, worry in her eyes.

"Ruby," Emma said while wiping at the tears, "I'm sorry, it just sounded so ludicrous when stated so plainly. I mean, what kind of people HAVE these problems? Much less who stays in a relationship like that."

Ruby grabbed her hand and squeezed, "You know what they say, Emma! Love makes you do crazy things." She tugged a bit, pulling Emma into a hug.

Emma accepted the gesture of friendship, glad that Ruby didn't pry. Truth was, the situation was incredibly ridiculous, but she had been through enough rough patches to know that she could get through this too - especially if she had Neal.

She pulled away from the hug, "Sorry about that, Ruby. It's just been a really long few weeks with the lsats and finals and obviously the whole Neal situation..."

"It's kay, girlie! That's what ol'Red is here for," she winks and leans in conspiratorially, "You want to bust out the magnum?"

Emma laughed, "You know, I think that's a great idea." Ruby saw a genuine smile form and hopped off the stool to go grab the massive handgun. Red's wasn't anything special when it came to gun ranges, but she knew that Emma wouldn't be here if something wasn't troubling her. It was her job to take care of her customers, after all.

She placed the gun case in front of Emma reverently - a magnum wasn't special, just not something she would normally use. Picking up the giant gun, noting that the weight had to have been nearly twice what her own gun was. She opened up the revolver and slipped the heavy bullets in.

Looking over at Ruby, who had pink safety glasses and her giant red ear phones covering her head, just smiling brilliantly at Emma, she felt better than she had all week. That is, until she braced her body and fired the first round, gasping at the force behind the kickback. The shots rang in her ears and vibrated through her body as she aimed at the target, firing six times - one for each of her finals, Neal, and herself for being so weak - loving someone still who had undeniably hurt her.

She slammed the empty gun down and immediately felt the dread and weight lift off her shoulders.

Ruby's arm slung around her, "See? Magnums make it all better." And with a wink she went back into her store to close up.

Emma stayed for another half hour, letting the tension roll off her body and soul before finally packing up; with a wave and a Merry Christmas to Ruby, she left for home with a much lighter heart.

* * *

A few days later, Emma shut the door to her apartment gently, knowing it was a bit late and Neal might be asleep; Mary Margaret was guaranteed to be out with David celebrating the end of finals and now Christmas Season. The apartment was dark except for the bright led lights on the appliances in the kitchen, silently judging her for being so much later than usual; Neal was probably worried.

She set her bag on the island, taking out her gun case, followed by the notebook she used in her final today. Emma was fairly certain she wanted to burn all of her notes, but knew she would need them later on; she opened it up and went to the specific page that had been lingering in her guilty conscience. She ran her fingers along the bubbled sections, thinking; to anyone else it probably looked like the notebook had been caught on in the rain and that was just fine to her - no one needed to know that Emma Swan carried such emotional weakness.

After a few moments, Emma grabbed the page impulsively and ripped it out of the notebook - loud scratching noises echoed in the otherwise silent apartment; she balled it up and threw it across the room. She continued to glare at the pages before picking it up and tearing half of the paper off of the flimsy metal loops - throwing one of the halves into the trashcan.

Before she could do anything else, she heard her bedroom door open, "Emma?" Neal's voice hit her like a cold bucket of water and she looked over at him and gave him a small, but forced, smile.

"Hey, sorry to wake you…" Emma started, before Neal saw what she had been doing - what had woken him up.

"I knew you were stressed baby but I didn't think it was this bad. This isn't like you," he said with worry in his voice.

"Well most people burn their notes in the fireplace as an act of solidarity, I just felt like ripping mine up!" Emma shot back, injecting bright cheer into her voice.

"I see. Come on, let's go lay down and you can tell me about it." Emma nodded and followed him in, leaving the remnants and bits of paper on the counter and floor.

As she laid in her bed, she didn't feel the comfort she expected, even with Neal's arms around her. She felt stiff and awkward; her breakdowns during finals and with Ruby were so out of character that Emma felt like she was losing bits of herself the longer she stayed quiet.

"Neal, you're still set to go to that place after Christmas, right?"

He didn't answer for a few seconds, his body tensed up against hers, "Of course, I told you I would."

Still not feeling reassured, she prodded him as she had before, "But how did you even get in? It's really nice...expensive too, hard to get into."

"Emma, drop it. I know a guy who got me bumped up." Neal was clearly agitated and sat up against her headboard, forcing her to move as well. "Listen, I have a lot of money saved up from the business-"

She tensed at the mention of yet another secret he had kept from her - they weren't quite over that issue either - but Neal didn't seem to notice and continued on, "And it's more than enough to get me through the program and then set us up where ever we want to be after that. I was thinking...Tallahassee."

Emma barked out a laugh unexpectedly, "I'm sorry, what?"

"Yeah, after I'm done we can move to Florida and start a new life there, it'll be fantastic - and you love beaches!" His voice was filled with earnestness, fully expecting Emma to be proud he thought of her - that she would love being there.

"Neal, you know we can't just up and move - I have to at least finish school, and I'll have to apply to law schools there and…"

"Just fucking drop it then, Emma. Whatever."

She blinked at his tone, but bit her tongue, not wanting to fight with him right now. He just didn't fully understand what it took to do what she wanted to do - didn't understand her career, but surely she had to shoulder some of the blame for it as well.

Deciding to change the subject, she shifted to happier questions, "You ordered the ham for Christmas right?"

"Yes of course, we wouldn't want another Turkey Disaster of 2013," he smirked and covered his face as she went to smack him in mock outrage.

"You  _know_ that wasn't my fault," she curled up against him once more. "This Christmas is special, it'll be one of the last ones for a while where we're all together."

"Are David and Mary Margaret leaving Boston, then?" Neal asked, his voice vibrating in his chest.

Emma snuggled in closer, hating that he asked this question, "Probably not, but I think Killian had plans to."

"Killian huh? That reminds me, what was he doing with you on that Saturday?" Neal's hand, which had been rubbing her shoulder, stopped as he waited for her answer.

Emma cringed against his chest, grateful he couldn't see her expression, "Oh, Mary Margaret was running late so she sent Killian instead. No big deal."

Neither of them said anything and Emma continued to take cautious breaths, the silence stretching over a few minutes. Emma was almost asleep, but then Neal moved to slide down and face her laying there. He cupped her face and smiled at her, "You know I never wanted you to really choose between me and your career, right? I was just angry...I assumed you would leave me."

Emma avoided looking into his eyes until it became awkward, his hands still holding her face, and finally looked at him and nodded jerkily. She turned around and pulled away slightly from him before closing her eyes to sleep.

Unfortunately the only thing she could do instead of sleeping was imagine the only other man who had ever been in this bed, and how they went to sleep with smiles and woke up with wariness. It seemed that it was her special trick in life to destroy all semblance of happiness with men. Smiling bitterly, sleep finally overcame her.

* * *

The street was filled with people in rushed movement, white puffs exiting their mouths as they breathed, a sight that was either disturbing or appropriate for Christmas Eve. The two men on the corner stood with wary expressions, surveying the packed streets and bright lights of the shops.

"Well don't I feel like an awkward jackass boyfriend," the one with the gold hair muttered.

The other slapped his back, "Not to worry mate, this is a time honored tradition amongst men - Christmas procrastination!"

David glared at his friend, "You know I hate last minute shopping, Mary Margaret deserves something special." He started walking to the nearest prospective store, Killian following in solidarity."

"I wouldn't worry about it too much, mate. There's bound to be something for her here that's worthwhile."

David huffed as he entered the little shop, "Maybe." For while he knew Mary Margaret to the very depths of her soul, knowing the right gift for someone was never his forte; he struggled with it every year, and every year Killian tagged along in solidarity – just as lost as David.

"You know, you're not the only one around here with some last minute shopping to do," Killian waved his hand animatedly. "I have a few things to get myself."

David laughed at the exaggerated gesture, just as Killian had intended; he still gave his friend an incredulous look, "Yeah I know you've been very busy lately, spending all your time at the bar."

Killian grinned and bowed, "I am a Jones after all, tis how we deal with things." David shook his head, knowing the truth of his words, but also the pain behind them.

In truth, Killian had been spending most of his time as far away from their apartment building as possible, not wanting to walk into Emma - or especially Neal, whom he could not guarantee he wouldn't punch. After his last interaction with Emma, it was the only way he could think to give her the space she apparently needed.

When David had asked if he wanted to join him for last minute Christmas shopping, he had slid off the stool in shock, not realizing it was already Christmas Eve. His friend wasn't wrong, for Killian  _had_  been at the bar most of the time, but it wasn't to drink – he had a sick need for the attention the young women gave him for just sitting at a bar, looking devilishly handsome. They would trade sentences for a while before they realized he wasn't going to bite and then would leave in a huff.

Killian's heart was sick after every conversation ended - much too many disappointed ladies - because every word felt like a betrayal of Emma. It was just idle conversation, but not innocent enough for him and the way he left things with Emma - so open ended - he knew anything he did would harm chances with her.

That's assuming he actually wanted anyone else; he certainly didn't, but Emma had made it clear that she did not feel the same as him.

After the past weeks, he knew what he had bought her for Christmas was much too personal so the trip with David seemed fortuitous. And so here he was, looking at hand painted knick knacks at 5pm on Christmas Eve.

"Jones, come look at this," David called him over, holding a white tea kettle with bluebirds on it. "Reminds me of her favorite story!"

"And that would be...?" Killian inquired, completely lost.

"Snow White of course, you didn't know that? She always calls me her Prince Charming."

Killian smirked as he saw his friend giddy over the find, but nodded, "Then I think that is most definitely an appropriate gift for her. She'll enjoy it." He turned and acted as if he was looking at other things on the shelves and David stared at him before going to the register. Killian stared at the various hand painted knickknacks, wishing he could get excited about how one was close to Emma's favorite story; but that wasn't something he would ever be privy to.

He turned around at the sound of a bell, other people entering the shop looking for last minute presents; he was lost in his own world until David walked up to him and they just walked out in silence.

David was playing with his phone, presumably texting Mary Margaret, when Killian finally asked, "So how's Emma then? And uh, Neal." He scratched the back of his neck, feeling awkward and refusing to look at his friend.

David sighed and put the phone back into his jeans; while he certainly was aware of the underlying question, he couldn't lie to his friend. "I'm not really...sure, Killian," he looked directly at him as he spoke, and shifted his feet awkwardly. "All I know is that they're living together now, and Emma seems happier."

Killian scratched his ear as he replied, "Right, well I have some more shopping to do." David pulled his phone out as he watched Killian walk down the street, and texted Mary Margaret that they would be a bit later than usual - with only one word as explanation: Killian.

Killian stopped his aimless walk in front of a book store and, knowing Emma, he would find something more friend-appropriate to give her in there. It wasn't a typical small touristy bookstore, because while it was certainly small it had been upgraded to contain slick marble counters and shelves; the aroma of coffee hit his nostrils but instead of being comforting it just reminded him of Emma.

He roamed the non-fiction section before becoming frustrated with his failure - nearly four years of knowing Emma and he still couldn't pick out a book of hers. Swan was so damn secretive, he thought. It was likely that not even Neal or Charming knew what she liked to read.

The non-fiction section turned into the fiction-fantasy section and suddenly Killian had an idea; a small smile slipped out of his otherwise sad face as he selected the gift. The walk to the register had a bit more life to it, and by the time he was outside, he answered David's call with a cheerful "Hello!"

David seemed startled by this rapid turn of emotion before answering, "Killian, you almost done? I'm going to be here a bit longer, can you meet me in the store?"

Bowing into the air, Killian answered, "But of course, Prince Charming, what do you ask of me?" He winked at one of the ladies who was walking by and giving him an appraising look.

"I'm at a store across from yours…." David hesitated.

"Bloody hell mate, just tell me where you are or I'm leaving without you," Killian laughed at his friend's reluctance.

David muttered something and then hung up; Killian shook his head then walked across the street, trying to decide which store David would be embarrassed about being in. He barked out a laugh and with his gifts in tow, entered  _Mistress Regina's Lingerie and Novelties_  store, hoping David was only purchasing another gift for Mary Margaret.

He stopped short of a red corset hanging on the wall, his immediate thoughts were of how lovely red looked against Emma's skin. Shaking his head, Killian continued on into the store and to his friend, a bit of the sadness that he had just pushed off for mere minutes came settling back.

It was immediately gone again once he looked at David's face - utterly overwhelmed and confused by the things he was seeing. Killian started laughing and then took pity on his friend, whose face was bright red, and helped him select a  _special_ present for his girlfriend.

* * *

David and Killian arrived back at their apartment later than predicted, David threw down the pre-wrapped Christmas gifts in a hurry – Mary Margaret had been texting him constantly, worrying about why he was so late. The two couples wanted to be together tonight, as always, to have Christmas Eve turn into Christmas – a slight variation on the usual tradition of New Years Eve.

To Emma, it was always something she preferred as Christmas was the hardest holiday for a girl like her – David knew that and always made an effort to make sure the friends were together for it. This year, instead of heading to the group with David, Killian hung back under the pretense of having to wrap his presents. While that was true, it came more from a place of uncertainty; unsure not only if Emma would be okay with him there considering everything was so fresh in their minds, but also unsure if he could handle seeing a newly reunited Neal and Emma playing Pleasantville.

As he finished wrapping one present, there was a soft knock at the front door; Killian jerked a little bit, not expecting anyone. The knock repeated, slightly louder and he went to check the peephole – only a half second, because he knew that golden hair like the back of his hand.

He steeled himself for whichever version of Emma was on the other side of that door and unlocked it, opening it slightly so she could only see his face.

There was a long stretch of silence as she just stared at him, mouth opening and closing with no sound; Killian waited patiently for her to get her mind sorted out, one eyebrow raised in query.

"Can I come in?" Emma finally blurted out, brushing back her hair from her eyes.

Still keeping his mouth shut, Killian backed away and opened the door, sweeping his hand in a welcoming gesture. His jaw clenched as she walked by smelling of gingerbread and hints of peppermint.

He shut the door, locking it once more before taking a deep breath; steeling his resolve Killian then turned around to face the girl of both his nightmares and dreams.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Okay sorry for the weird cliffhanger, but I wanted to save the Christmas part for one whole chapter! It wasn't like that originally, but...that's how it is now! The characters demanded it. Emma felt that she needed some time alone with her gun and Ruby =D I hope everyone had an absolutely marvelous Thanksgiving if you celebrate it, and don't forget you can always fangirl with me over the show or the fic (or anything) via reviews, PMs, or my tumblr - caishakalianah. Au revoir, my dears!

PS: Don't forget about my spotify playlist for this fic, I just added some more songs that helped me through this and the next few chapters. I will also 100% take recommendations! =)


	20. The Gift Exchange

**"I needed my brother to mend my broken spirit."**

_**― Melina Marchetta, Froi of the Exiles** _

Killian turned around, his eyes watching Emma's movements closely; she was dressed festively - as one would expect on Christmas Eve. A dark green skirt and burgundy tights, with a silk cream blouse - an elegant look, if it weren't for the reindeer antlers that she was holding in her hand; he assumed she had taken them off before knocking, but smiled at the image all the same.

He followed her into the living room where there were several rolls of wrapping paper lying about, ribbon haphazardly thrown across the room in annoyance. He could tell she was trying not to laugh at the scene, and it was confirmed when she finally spoke - not having said anything since he had invited her inside.

"Having trouble with the ribbon, Jones?" She held up a thin gold string of ribbon that had been draped on the couch cushion and looked at it questioningly before turning to him with her eyebrow raised, daring him to lie.

Killian scoffed, "It's not my fault David decided to let his fair lady buy all the wrapping supplies this year - us men typically go for bows of the peel-and-stick variety."

Emma laughed softly, surprising Killian, prompting him to ask, "So, to what do I owe the pleasure, Swan?"

She sighed and looked up at him again - always up, except for that one time, "David told us you were probably going to miss the festivities tonight, under the pretense that you have to wrap all of these." She gestured to the stack of presents for his friends and Killian was thankful that he had already wrapped hers.

"Well he's right, we're not animals that give presents unwrapped!" His voice held a jovial tone, but Emma could tell it was forced - everything was forced with them lately, their interactions fueled awkwardness and a longing that she was still fighting against.

"Killian, I don't want you to have to hide yourself away because of…our mistakes," Emma began, steeling herself for the conversation - Killian stared at her with his eyebrows furrowing when she called it a mistake again, but she was grateful that he let her continue without interruption. "You're still my - our - friend, and it's Christmas; can't we just have one night?"

Killian closed his eyes, Emma's voice was soft and hopeful and while he appreciated the temporary reprieve - those words echoed in his head; it was those words that had been said not long ago, whispered in dark and desperation, fueled by their longing - unspoken until then.

Emma realized what she had said - wording had never been her strong suit, and held her breath as Killian worked through it.

"We can have one night, Emma. But promise me something?" Killian held her eyes and she gulped, nodding.

He stood there for a minute, long past the time that would have been considered awkward, and finally broke into a smile, "Help me with these bows? I'm bloody awful at them."

Emma laughed and smacked his arm, appreciating the ease with which he accepted what she was offering. It was Christmas, after all, right?

She plopped down on the couch and took one wrapped present and some ribbon and got to work; Killian sat down on the floor and started in on another gift. Emma held her hand out in silent request and he handed over the silver scissors, understanding her need even now.

They continued wrapping in comfortable silence, neither one willing to break the tentative holiday truce. After the second bow, however, Emma finally spoke, "I'm sorry about the other day."

Her words made Killian remember walking away, and unbeknownst to her, he had heard her cries to Mary Margaret as he came back to reason with her again. He was seriously concerned about the lie Neal had told her - if he wasn't or hadn't gone through serious withdrawal then he was most certainly using again.

Now wasn't the time to discuss it, just as he didn't want to intrude on her private conversation before; he just nodded silently, accepting her apology without fanfare.

"I'm just worried about you, Swan. You carry too much and hardly let anyone in; it's not healthy - I should know," he smiled wryly at her.

"You are somewhat of an enigma, Mr. Jones," she quipped, "Mystery trust fund kid comes to college and leaves a trail of women in his wake, only known family is a brother. Maybe you should try that whole talking thing, too."

He knew her statements were supposed to be light and teasing, but Killian knew it was close to the truth, "I know somewhat of what you're going through with Neal is all, I can help."

"Not the best idea, Killian," she replied as she curled another ribbon with the scissors.

He rubbed his right ear in contemplation, "Aye, you might be right, but the offer stands."

Their silence afterwards was interrupted by a buzz of Emma's phone; picking it up she mouthed  _Neal_ to his questioning gaze.

"Hey babe, what's up?"

_EMMMAAAA, where are you? It's almost time for Christmas!_

She cringed a little, hearing how drunk Neal already was. "We're almost done here, then Killian and I will be up with all the presents."

She heard him scoff, " _Make sure he keeps his hands off you."_

Emma knew Killian heard that, because she saw his glare out of the corner of her eye. She smiled in apology before answering, "It's fine, Neal. We'll be there soon."

She hit end and threw the phone to the other side of the couch.

Killian and Emma's brief truce was becoming frayed at the edges, the constant elephant in the room that was Neal Cassidy wasn't doing them any favors.

Killian stood up and handed her the last present, tagged and ready for a bow; she accepted it silently as he walked off into his bedroom without saying a word.

He knew that to Emma it probably seemed like he was off to brood about Neal, but really he knew they were head upstairs shortly and was grabbing Emma's presents from under his bed. It might be silly to hide presents there, but he didn't want David questioning why Emma had three presents until there was nothing he could say that wouldn't make it awkward.

The presents he had for her were all meaningful, but seeing as how there were three of them and everyone else only had one it definitely singled her out. He suspected, though, that Neal probably wouldn't be coherent enough to question it. Bloody mongrel, Killian thought, growling out loud.

Emma cleared her throat alerting him to her presence; she glanced at the presents with eyebrows raised, "More?"

Killian shifted slightly, "Well these are yours, I had already wrapped them before you offered to help, so.."

She smiled, "But why were they in your bedroom?"

He just shrugged and said, "David." As if that explained everything - and really, to Emma, it did.

Emma inclined her head, "Come on, they're probably antsy - you know how excited Mary Margaret gets when it's time to open the presents."

"Did David make our special dinner already?"

Emma nodded, "One green-and-red pizza with a side of chips and salsa and guacamole is hot and ready!"

Killian smiled, they definitely did holidays different; he imagined it was something born out of Emma's need, her association with 'normal' Christmas traditions somewhat marred by her experiences before David. He certainly understood the desire to distance one's self from something that brought nothing but pain.

Shaking his head, he grabbed his leather jacket and put it on before following Emma into the foyer, loading themselves up with both his and David's presents.

With a smile and a flourish of his arm, Killian held the door for Emma as she walked out, before locking it behind them.

* * *

When they entered the warm apart, Killian smiled at the smell of fresh pizza and hot cocoa - perhaps not the most elegant of combinations, but it made Emma and Mary Margaret's apartment feel cozy - like Christmas was supposed to.

He set the presents under their tree, keeping one of Emma's in his pocket, still unsure about it. David came over and hugged him unexpectedly, "Merry Christmas, Killian."

They pulled away and David gripped his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, knowing it was difficult for his friend to be there and showing his appreciation for it. Killian gave him a small smile and nodded, turning to Mary Margaret to place a kiss on her cheek. "It smells marvelous! You did a splendid job."

Mary Margaret thanked him with a big grin as David cried out, "Hey! I made the guacamole, give me some credit."

Emma scoffed at him and went to sit next to Neal who immediately wrapped his arm around her, giving her a sloppy, tipsy kiss. Killian saw her cringe a little bit, but otherwise she continued smiling.

David pulled out some plates for them and Mary Margaret made her own first, before settling onto the loveseat - David following quickly behind her, his plate piled high with tortilla chips and guacamole, chest puffed up with pride as Killian complimented it.

"Well you know I learned it that one summer with-" everyone groaned, knowing the story. He pouted as everyone laughed, and Mary Margaret looped her arm around his and kissed his cheek.

Killian sat on the floor, eating a slice of pizza when Emma jumped off of Neal's lap and exclaimed, "Midnight! Present time." Her voice had a sing song quality to it that made Killian smile - seeing Emma happy was exceedingly rare lately and he suspected she needed a bit of a break from the drama more than he did.

Emma crawled under the tree and handed out the presents, everyone getting a small pile.

She clapped gleefully as David, being the oldest, opened one of his first - a pair of hiking boots that he had had his eyes on for a long time. He hugged Emma and thanked her before shooing Mary Margaret into opening her present from him.

She unwrapped it slowly, making Neal call out for her to hurry - earning him some glares, and as she looked at the object she floundered on the pronunciation.

"It's a kubaton!" David said, as Killian snickered.

"David..what on earth is a kubaton?" Mary Margaret and Emma had equally confused looks on their faces, before David launched into an explanation about it being a common self-defense weapon that they can keep on their keychains. Perfectly legal, and very effective.

Mary Margaret was still perplexed, but knew he was always watching out for her safety; David leaned in and whispered something else in her ear and Killian watched as she went beet red - and he smiled, knowing David would make it up to her with his  _other_ present later.

Everyone took their turns opening presents, some weren't as perplexing as David's, but all were enjoyed. Killian held his breath as Emma started opening her last present - his; he fingered the box inside his jacket looking for comfort.

Emma ripped the paper curiously, unsure what Killian would get her this year considering everything that was going on between the two of them.

She smiled as she saw the titles of the two books -  _The Princess Bride_ and  _V for Vendetta -_  as they reminded her of her stubborn best friend's movie selection on that fateful night. Mary Margaret watched Emma closely, knowing that more than movie watching happened that night. As she watched Emma open the book to read the note inside, she saw her smile quiver.

As she finished reading the note, she looked up at no one in particular, blinking away the water in her eyes - finally she steeled herself and looked at Killian, thanking him quietly - to which he just nodded in understanding.

Neal, completely oblivious to the underlying current of emotions, laughed at Killian's stupid present, "Really bro, a few books? No wonder you don't have a girlfriend." He leaned mockingly towards Killian, whispering loudly, "But I guess you can't give her what she really wants, huh?"

David broke the tension by slapping his hand on his legs, and calling out for Neal to start the celebrations with some beers; he stood up and pulled Neal away and into the kitchen. Mary Margaret sat there watching Emma who was clearly teetering on the edge of something, "It's a lovely night, I cleaned out the balcony swing, why don't you go test it out Emma?"

Knowing a clue when she hears one, Emma smiled and stood up, walking past Killian who noted the wetness on her cheeks. He chewed his cheek, mulling over his next action before Mary Margaret walked by nonchalantly, muttering, "You should go check on her, I'll keep them busy."

Though he was surprised, Killian didn't need to be told twice and followed his Swan out onto the balcony where she was sitting with her legs folded under her, staring into the night.

Fingering the box still in his jacket, he spoke, "I'm sorry for upsetting you with the present."

Emma just looked up at him and he noticed she held the  _Princess Bride_ book in her hands and her thumbs were moving up and down the cover. "It wasn't the present, Killian, it was the message."

He sighed and sat next to her, running his hand through his hair, "I'm sorry you're so unused to such things, Emma. I just want you to be happy and I thought this would make you smile…"

She watched him, his nervous ticks out in full force as he spoke, "It was a lovely gift, Killian. Thank you - I just wasn't prepared for it, seeing how I've treated you lately."

Killian nodded and brought out the box he had been contemplating on giving her all night, "You still think I'm a callous man. It's alright," he followed quickly as she opened her mouth to interrupt. "I understand why, I just had hoped…you saw me differently, now."

Emma closed her mouth, ashamed. He shook his head and handed her the real present, knowing now that no matter what he did he would always be fighting the image he had created. She couldn't see beyond it, that was clear, so it didn't matter if he kept the present or not.

She took the small box tentatively, "What's this?"

"It's your original present, before all of…this happened," he gestured between the two of them.

Emma dropped one leg on the ground, stopping the gentle swaying of the bench swing, and opened the box. She gasped and pulled out a beautiful Tiffany charm bracelet, several charms already attached. "Killian…" she breathed, not knowing how to process the gift.

He just sat there, eyes locked on her face, drinking in every expression and twitch as if he were a man set to die the next day. He held his breath as her eyes caught an oval shaped charm.

Her fingers stroked it and he finally spoke, "I noticed you still had the necklace, I saw it…that night." He cleared his throat as she looked up at him, noting that her neck was empty of it now. "Whatever you think of me, and of us, it's something you should still hold on to. Do you remember what he stands for?"

"Raphael, the patron saint of love," she whispered, her voice trailing off as she broke eye contact to look at it again.

"I told you, that night, you were a siren calling me to my death. I finally realized, years later, it wasn't the death I feared - it was the shedding of my past and other…things." He took the bracelet from her fingers and clasped it around her wrists, the other charms tinkling against each other.

"That night so many years ago… I found what I had always wanted, but I wasn't ready - I was scared and you were taken, and not thinking clearly. I told you I wanted you to choose with a clear mind - fully aware of everything. Little did I know I would have to wait three years for it," he ended with a shake of his head.

Emma wasn't sure what to say, so thought it best to keep quiet as he continued speaking, her thumb running over the Raphael charm as he spoke.

He looked up at the sky, "But you've chosen now, haven't you? I put it all out there and you still chose him."

The tears that had abated finally came back to Emma and she gripped his hand, feeling it immediately squeeze desperately. "I'm sorry, Killian. I should have never…"

He took his hand away, "I get it, Swan." He stood up slowly, angling his face down to watch hers; he cupped her face in his hands, brushing the tears away as he leaned in to place a gentle kiss on her lips. It was brief, but she knew it was goodbye.

"Merry Christmas, Emma."

And with that, he walked back inside, not giving her a chance to respond; Emma pulled her legs up to her chest and buried her head against her knees, taking deep breaths to prepare herself to face the others.

Killian knew what she was too afraid to accept - that with him, she could be home; she went to her neck to finger his mother's necklace, only to realize she had resolved not to wear it anymore. Was that why she felt so alone? Killian had withdrawn, she rebuffed his feelings out of fear -  _again_ \- choosing to stay with Neal out of guilt and safety.

She steeled herself and opened the balcony door, slipping inside to be met with a drunk-again Neal pressing his lips to hers. Shocked, Emma pushed him away and she caught Killian's dark look, unsure if it was meant for her or Neal.

She saw Mary Margaret and David behind the couch, he was showing her how to use the kubaton and she had a bright smile on her face, laughing. Watching them, Emma knew that as long as she had those two in her life, she would be okay with whatever hurdles she created in her love life.

Emma gave Neal a kiss under the mistletoe later, in the early hours of the morning, before she pulled him into her room and Killian exited the apartment gracefully, leaving the two couples to celebrate Christmas morning in style.

He stole the rest of the Christmas pizza and ran upstairs; as soon as he had taken his boots off his phone rang and he smiled brightly at the name.

"Merry Christmas, brother." He answered, laying down on the couch, propped up with cushions as he talked to his brother for the next few hours. Christmas was the time for family, after all, and his would always be Liam.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** MERRY CHRISTMAS PLEASE DON'T HURT ME. I 100% planned on this being a light chapter and Killian was like NO I MUST BE HEARD. So really you should all be blaming him for that ending. I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope everyone has a lovely Christmas/holiday.

Please remember my inbox here and ask on tumblr are always open if you want to chat about the story or anything else.


	21. The Errand

_**"Just don't leave me, okay? Everyone leaves me."** _

_**― Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction** _

Emma curled up on the couch, her head propped on the pillow as she watched Pride and Prejudice - Keira Knightley version - for the second time that week. No one would ever assume she was an Austen fan, and most definitely not a romantic, however it had been a quiet few days after Christmas and everyone was out for the day. Between this and Love Actually, her heart had tumbled down in a free fall. Sure she was driven and strong, but it had become painfully obvious in the past month that Emma Swan was lost.

She followed her schedule for success and had lost a friend and the easy relationship she had had with her boyfriend because she had been too oblivious in her drive.

Her past consumed her, something that even David couldn't ever quite understand - but for so long the support system she had created with Neal, David, and Mary Margaret had served as a patch for any trouble she might experience.

It hadn't prepared her for Killian Jones. The man who spun into her life and almost immediately pushed her out of orbit: just like then, the only way she could see getting past it was to lock him out. Three years ago he had drawn her into his world for a brief time before she pulled back into the one she built with Neal. And it had been fine, her perfect world bubble was built with good friends and a boyfriend that loved her and a plan for her future - she just never stopped to realize that while she was building  _her_ future, it was one that hadn't included Neal.

She had just barreled through all of her plans, assuming he was changing with her and supporting her like he had in high school; but then the day came when she stood in shocked silence as her world came crashing down to reality - one with drugs and cheating and anger and crying.

Emma owed him so much - she had been so foolish, falling under the thrall of the charismatic Killian Jones while Neal fell under the thrall of drugs - and after the past few days, they had really seemed like their old selves. She was smiling at him and he was kissing her on the cheek, and Mary Margaret and David were teasing them again.

Killian, however, was still as much of a wrench as ever; her heart fluttered whenever he spoke to her so intensely - his words trying to convey all that he could bring to her. She shut him out after Christmas when he walked out the door after  _again_ ripping down her carefully constructed barriers.

"A siren calling me to my death," he had said; he's such a romantic, she thought, even though she knew exactly what he meant because the same pull he felt from her was present in her.

Her phone rang and brought her out of her melancholy thoughts and she answered absentmindedly, "Hello?"

"Hey babe, I'm on my way home do you want anything?" The pit in her stomach turned when he called her place  _home._

"No, I'll see you when you get here," she said and hit end without even saying goodbye. Her heart was pounding and she realized if they ever had a chance, she had to tell him the truth -  _before_ he left for his rehab place. She chewed her lip and ran off to the bathroom to check her face, clearing it of all evidence of tears.

Emma sent a text to see where Mary Margaret was, and in short order she found out that they would be out for the rest of the evening - which was a stroke of luck, because it was entirely likely the apartment wouldn't be the best place for company.

Thirty minutes later, Neal slammed the door, as usual calling out to her; before, she found this behavior to be cute, but cringed as she thought that now it was just irritating to her.

She just sat on the couch and waved a little as he walked around and kissed her cheek, "Great news! Mr. Gold is offering me a promotion and raise."

Emma smiled at him as he sat down, happy, before she asked, "Wait, isn't that bad timing? You're leaving in three days and will be gone for weeks if not months."

"Oh come on babe, are we still on that? I told you, it's all good! I'm doing great and we're back to our old selves; no reason to some expensive rehab place. That's only for people that need to detox and go through withdrawal," he flicked his hand and she stared at him, amazed that he could be so flippant about his future.

Shifting her body so she was facing him on the couch, Emma narrowed her eyes, "Neal, we talked about this and agreed - you  _promised_ for goodness' sakes! You're going to go - you owe me that, for our future."

He sighed, irritated, "Emma there's just no way I can do it right now, can't I do it later? Give me a few months and I'll show you I'm all better." Neal grabbed her hand and she yanked it away.

"NO! I'm willing to admit that I played a part in this, but you were the one that took it too where it is today."

"Whatever babe, we'll talk about it later. What's for dinner?" He got up, ignoring her once again and her heart broke a little.

"I slept with Killian," she whispered as he walked away. She watched his body freeze and she knew he heard her, so she continued. "It was…right before we found you, when I had asked for a break. It wasn't premeditated; I just…thought we should clear the air."

A glass smashed against the wall and the sound echoed through the apartment and she looked down at her hands, ashamed.

She flinched, expecting his reaction to be that of anger. "Don't you have anything to…say?"

He turned and leveled her with a glare that spoke volumes, "I'm not surprised. That guy has fucked everything with two tits and a pussy, which clearly you qualify for…though barely."

Now angry herself that this had resorted to low insults - why had she expected a rational conversation anyway? - she stood up, furious. "I just wanted to have a mature conversation with you about it! I thought we could also talk about the woman I found  _in your bed_ when I found you with a NEEDLE IN YOUR ARM!" Her voice rose as she spoke, fury in her voice; she had wanted to talk about that little detail during counseling, but since he thought he was too good for rehab this was her next step.

"She was just some two bit whore, Emma! She meant absolutely nothing," Neal yelled, taking a step closer toward her. "Everyone knows Killian's been in love with you since freshmen year!"

Emma gasped, though whether it was that Neal had seen what she had not or at his flagrant disregard for his own cheating, she wasn't sure.

"But I wasn't in love with him! I was in love with  _you_. I needed you; I still need you - why can't you sacrifice a little bit of the present for our entire future?" Emma screamed at him, letting her emotions get the better of her. Months of silent turmoil and heartache and teasing and realizations and back and forth snips had come to a head as tears filled her eyes as she watched Neal's expression go hard.

"That doesn't matter, you still gave him exactly what he wanted - another notch on his bedpost," he stalked towards her and his face was inches from hers, intense. "I bet he whispered sweet nothings in your ear, didn't he? About how it was only ever going to be you for him - I bet when you two snuck off on Christmas that you let him touch you again."

Her anger had been extinguished as the words cut at her heart, "No. It was just once, I told you - a fresh start. What about your woman? Can't we discuss this and work through it without….this?"

He watched tauntingly as the tears fell from her eyes and stepped away, "I'm sorry." He took a wracking breath and remorse filled his face, "That…I'm so sorry, Emma. Maybe I do still need help…"

She watched him as he walked away, taking his keys and leaving, slamming the door again; Emma stood there for a minute in silence before the door opened again and she held her breath, not sure what she wanted - Neal or Mary Margaret.

Killian stepped through the door with wild eyes, though his body was controlled; he hadn't even knocked, she thought aimlessly.

He walked straight up to her and stared at her, roaming his eyes down her face and body, checking if she was hurt.

"What happened?" He asked so gently that Emma snapped.

" _YOU_ happened," she pushed him a little as she spoke the words. "I told him what I had done, that to my everlasting shame I had slept with you - and he obviously didn't take it very well."

Killian just took the anger and spoke quietly, "I heard the screams from my apartment. He shouldn't have said those things to you. You don't have to carry this guilt - you wanted to be free of him, which is the only reason you would have slept with me that night." As much as Killian wanted to admit that she had slept with him because she wanted him, he had seen no evidence for that - the simplest explanation was that it had been, as she said, a moment of weakness when she realized she was ending a five year relationship the next day.

Emma fell against the couch, lying on her back, "It doesn't matter. I'm still with him, so it was cheating. I'm a cheater."

He sat on the coffee table, trying to avoid another desperate plea for her to love him - he had closed that chapter on Christmas barely three days ago. "If this is truly what both of you want, you'll work it out," he paused. "He seemed angry still when he left."

She just shook her head, "No. He was upset with himself; I think he realizes he has to go to rehab or at the very least counseling. That anger was something I've never seen from him before."

"Well I do tend to inspire very passionate feelings in people," Killian quipped and she leveled him with a glare; he just smiled. "Well I just came to be sure nothing violent had occurred, I'll be upstairs if you need me Swan."

Her face faltered a little when she realized he was back to calling her Swan and she noted it was a distancing measure and felt sad; she had loved the way he said her name. However it was nothing she hadn't asked for - repeatedly; she needed to be as free from Killian Jones as possible and with Neal knowing, that was even more important now.

"Thank you, Killian," she said softly, meaning it sincerely.

He just nodded and left, the apartment door clicking quietly.

* * *

A few days later, everything had calmed down relatively. Neal had come back with roses and a renewed promise to actually go to rehab. He was actually at his last day of work at Mr. Gold's and Emma was preparing a quiet New Year's Eve dinner. It was the middle of the day, but some things took a bit more preparation and she wanted to start the new year off right - with an epic dinner and lots of kissing.

Her phone pinged as she received an email and she wiped her hands to check it; she squealed as she read "LSAT - SCORES ENCLOSED". She had heard that results got back quickly, but had not expected them to be in front of her so soon. Butterflies flopped around in her stomach and she put down the phone, not wanting to check the scores yet; that didn't last long as five seconds later she had opened the email, devouring the information enclosed on the link that had been sent to her.

She hit the phone app and scrolled through, immediately landing on a name; she stood there, debating on whether or not to talk to the person - not even questioning why her first instinct would be to tell him first. Emma shook her head, chastising herself, and hit Neal's name instead.

As the call clicked through she bounced on the balls of her feet, a smile dancing on her lips as she couldn't wait to share this with him - she was so proud of herself.

"Emma," his tone was short and clipped and upon hearing it she immediately stopped moving and asked him what was wrong. "Nothing, hey do you think you can do something for me today?"

"Of course, I'm just making dinner as promised," she led, hoping he was as excited as she was to be spending New Year's Eve with her - their fifth one as a couple.

He brushed her off, not making a comment about it, "I need you to take the bug in for an oil change and inspection. I got it ready last night. I'm just really busy today, and it needs to be done before I leave for that place."

She nodded silently; he had refused to call it rehab for the past few days - instead referring to it only as 'that place'. "Sure, why didn't you mention it before? I could've done it this morning."

"It wasn't ready this morning," he snapped and caught himself. "Sorry, I just meant I forgot to tell you this morning. Thanks so much. Love ya babe."

She heard silence on the other end before she could even say it back, or even mention why she called in the first place. Sighing, she turned the oven off and put her shoes on, walking out the door no less than five minutes after her call with Neal.

Slipping into the car, she pulled out of the apartment complex and drove towards the auto shop that she knew he always took the car to. It shouldn't take too long, she thought as she tapped her fingers against the steering wheel at a red light.

As the light turned green, she pulled forward and immediately heard sirens start behind her and she jumped; looking in the rearview mirror she saw the swirling and unmistakable lights of a police car.

Sighing, she pulled over to the side of the quiet road and rolled down her window before getting the insurance papers and her license.

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to step outside of the vehicle." A stern voice sounded outside the door.

She squinted at him, "What is the issue here, officer?"

"Just please get out of the car, there was an anonymous tip phoned in a few minutes ago citing this car and we're going to need to search it."

Emma glowered, but got out anyway, "I sure hope you recorded that  _anonymous tip_ , officer. Otherwise I'll be filing a complaint about unwarranted searches and violation of my rights." She was in  _no mood_ to deal with them today, or even this month. Emma was quite certain nothing was wrong with the car, but they wouldn't believe her until they had searched it.

The officer just nodded and thanked her for her cooperation and nodded to his partner who went immediately to a spot in the back that was covered by a blanket. As she pulled it back, Emma gasped as she saw a block of white powder she assumed was drugs and she heard the other officer begin to notify her that she was under arrest.

"Miss Emma Swan, you are under arrest for the possession and intent to distribute illegal drugs, suspected of cocaine. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney present at questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?"

Emma stood there in shocked silence as she felt the cold metal of handcuffs click around her wrists, tears falling down her face, "Who was the anonymous tip?" she asked.

When they didn't answer and just repeated the question she screamed, "WHO WAS IT?"

They walked her, but more like carried her because she could barely stand, and placed her in the back of the police car without saying another word.

There was absolutely no question as to who put the drugs there, and Emma's mind flashed back to what he had said on the phone earlier, "I got it ready last night" followed quickly by "It wasn't ready this morning!"

She gritted her teeth to stop from sobbing and screeching as her heart broke into a million pieces when she realized that her boyfriend of five years, Neal Cassidy, had just set her up and had her arrested.

The entire ride was silent as she kept heaving in breaths between her sobs; she didn't care what the officers thought, she knew better than to tell them anything until she got to the station. Her heart might be shattered, but her mind was still intact and it was furious and calculating.

They processed her - fingerprints, pictures, etc. - and placed her in a small room with one camera in the corner, blinking red. The entire time she was emotionless, tear stained, going through the motions as she processed what she would have to tell the police. She had declined to call anyone yet, hoping it was all a horribly misunderstanding and at the same time eminently ashamed. And she wanted to be a  _lawyer._ What a joke.

After what felt like hours, the door finally opened and a woman stepped in, "Emma Swan. Do you know what you're being charged with?"

Emma swallowed, "Yes, but it's all a horrible mistake."

The woman just raised one eyebrow in disbelief and Emma knew that had not been the first time she'd ever heard that from someone, "Do tell, Ms. Swan."

"I'm sure you know by now that it's my boyfriend's car. He had called earlier and asked for me to take it in for an inspection, which surprised me because he hadn't mentioned it before. As soon as I left, your police officers stopped me and said there had been an anonymous tip. I don't know," Emma let out a shuddering breath, "If it was him, but those are most certainly not  _my_ drugs and if you question anyone in my life they will tell you that they are Neal's - in fact he's due for rehab in two days."

The detective smirked as she listened to the explanation and produced a handwritten note in a plastic bag, "Would you mind reading this for yourself then? Seems there are two stories."

Emma's heart clenched and she looked down, sobbing as she immediately recognized Neal's handwriting - words that had spelled out her illicit side business. He spoke of being a concerned boyfriend and how he just wanted her to get help; mentioned that the drugs were kept in a certain spot in the car. He had then called when she was en route, to catch her on public property. Tears spilled over again, surprising her that she even had any left.

"This…this is all a lie," she looked up to plead with the detective. "Please. Ask anyone, check my background and his. This is a lie - I'm being set up."

The woman just shook her head, "We'll see about that, but the evidence is pretty clear Ms. Swan." She opened the door and gestured to an officer in the hall, "Please escort her to the holding cell. She'll be spending the night."

He nodded at her and gently pulled Emma up, who had reverted back to a zombie-like state once she realized the enormity of the problem. This wasn't just a break up - charges like this would ruin her entire future; Neal hadn't wanted her out of the picture to give him a safe getaway, he had wanted her to  _burn._ She grit her teeth as the officer guided her along the corridor.

Before he shut the cell door he asked one last time, "Are you sure you don't want to call anyone?"

She started laughing hysterically, remembering earlier in the day when she had been about to call someone with incredibly exciting news and instead ended up here. Emma just shook her head and the officer walked off, leaving her to lie on the bed, pulling her legs tightly to herself as her thoughts drifted into nothingness.

* * *

A rattling against the bars woke her up the next morning - which was really more like afternoon apparently, as the cell was infused with bright sun, too hot for morning breezes.

"Swan, wake up. DA wants to talk to you," one of the officers spoke and she rolled out of bed, not bothering to ask about hygiene. Let them smell her dirty breath and deal with her hair - they wouldn't listen to her either way.

A door opened and a handsome gentleman in a suit stood up and held out his hand, which Emma shook warily.

"I'll get straight to the point, Ms. Swan," he spoke with a lilting but faint Irish accent. "Several people that we questioned confirmed your story - that your boyfriend set you up - including confirmation from a neighbor who saw him putting something white in his car the day you were arrested. As well as others in his neighborhood, doctors, and the rehab center you gave us the info of."

Emma glared at him as he spoke, "I'm glad at least your detectives are competent, Mr…?"

"Humbert. Graham Humbert, but you can call me Graham. I'm the ADA assigned to this case and I'm informing you that while we will not be formally charging you with possession, we will need your help in trying to apprehend Mr. Cassidy who has seemed to have vanished over the past twenty-four hours."

She scoffed, "Of course he has. Just take me home. You have my information,  _Mr. Humbert."_ She steeled her voice and emphasized his formal name; it wouldn't do any good to be too familiar with the prosecutor.

He just nodded and they gave her back all of her things and drove her back to her apartment. Emma fiddled with her phone on the ride there; she saw the missed calls and messages from her friends and didn't bother to respond to any of them just yet.

"We're here, ma'am. Do you need us to go up with you?" The officer asked kindly.

She just shook her head, "Thanks though. Hopefully I don't see you around." Her words were biting, but they knew what she meant and just nodded.

Looking up at the apartment building she took a deep breath and sighed, walking up to her apartment; it was surprisingly empty and Emma thought they were probably out looking for her, or maybe just at work like the world hadn't come to a crashing halt.

Maybe they were hungover, she chuckled darkly.

She threw her purse on the island and went immediately into her bedroom, stripping the sheets that smelled like Neal off the bed, not bothering to put new ones on as she just lay down on the bare mattress.

Pulling out her phone against her better judgment, she tried to call Neal one more time.

"We're sorry, the number you're trying to reach has been dis-," Emma threw the phone against the wall, watching it break apart with dark satisfaction.

She shut her eyes, wanting the oblivion of sleep to claim her before she faced the rest of the world.

 _Happy New Year_ , she thought as she slipped into unconsciousness.

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I can't even celebrate the absence of Neal because WTF EMMA MY PRECIOUS BABY GIRL. Hope you enjoyed it, I know a lot of you were desperately looking forward to this day, though it wasn't quite in the way you all hoped. This was the way it was always meant to be since my first outline all the way back in March or whenever it was. There is a method to my madness. I hope you enjoyed it; please leave feedback or thoughts in comments, reviews, or private messages. I appreciate each and every one of you - and hopefully I have responded to most of your reviews! If not, it was an oversight. Thank you so much!
> 
> Hope you are all having a fantastic 2015! PS Sorry about that last chapter, what a doozy right?


	22. The Shattered Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's Once Upon a Time's intellectual property.

**Half of My Heart**

" _ **But grieving people are selfish. They won't let you comfort them and they say you don't understand and they make you feel useless when all your life you've been functional to them."**_

―  _ **Melina Marchetta, The Piper's Son**_

Mary Margaret stepped through the door to her apartment, her mood somber; her best friend hadn't come home the night before, her boyfriend and car was missing, and her phone was dead. They had spent the entire morning and afternoon searching for her to no avail.

Killian had been uncontrollable, striking off almost immediately to search for her on his own, leaving David and Mary Margaret to comb Emma's usual haunts. Killian had muttered something about going to the library, but she didn't understand why that would have been a good place to look; nevertheless, he went. Neal was missing, too, although to be honest they weren't as concerned about him - though his cellphone number being disconnected was alarming. David had suggested they keep that detail to themselves and not tell Killian just yet.

The police weren't any help, since they can't file official missing persons until forty-eight hours have gone by. Thus it was with a heavy heart that they came back to their home, hoping to catch some sleep before they resumed their search.

Killian was still out searching however - apparently doing his best to ignore their calls to check in and communicating only via text.

Mary Margaret slipped her coat off and hung it on the hallway rack, walking towards Emma's room in the off chance she had come back and her phone was just out of battery.

Emma's door was ajar and Mary Margaret let out a soft ' _oh!'_ as she saw her friend curled up on her bare mattress. She pulled up her phone and sent a quick text to David and Killian, " _Emma is in her room, sleeping. Will update in a little while. Give us some time."_

She silenced her phone, knowing it wouldn't be long before she had two protective males bursting through the door wanting to know what happened.

Mary Margaret walked into the bedroom, a chill wind hitting her and she noticed Emma shivering on the mattress. Bending down to grab the heavy comforter laying on the floor, she noticed the shattered remains of Emma's cellphone - along with a small dent in the wall.

Sighing, she covered her friend up with the heavy fabric and no more than a few seconds later Emma popped up, frantic.

"I DON'T WANT THAT NEAR ME." She ripped the innocent comforter away from her and threw it back down to the ground; Mary Margaret's body had frozen at the tone coming from her friend - instantly worrying her.

"Emma, it's me - Mary Margaret."

The blonde's eyes snapped to her friend, "I know who you are."

Mary Margaret stepped back, not expecting the venom in Emma's voice; she just held up her hands, "I'm just here to see if you're okay. We've been looking for you, worried about you…"

A sarcastic laugh filtered through the room, "Yeah, I'm sure you were frantic."

"Well, now that you mention it, Killian was definitely what I would consider frantic when we told him you were missing - and don't even get me started on Da-"

"You told them? What would possess you to do that? I was gone barely a day and you send out the troops!" Emma stood up, her head clouded from falling asleep as she cried - her body filled with irrational rage at everything she was hearing. "Why do you keep dragging him into my life, anyway? He's destroyed  _EVERYTHING HE'S EVER TOUCHED." Including me,_ she thought angrily.

It was clear who Emma was speaking about and Mary Margaret stepped towards her friend, pulling her into an involuntary hug, holding her tightly. She had no idea what was going on, but it was clear that Emma was filled with an emotion she had no idea how to control. Mary Margaret felt Emma's body go stiff in her arms as she just stood there; after a few long moments of silence, she felt a wracking sob and the sounds of crying surrounded her.

"Oh, Emma," she said softly; a wet hiccup sounded as she spoke, her voice filled with compassion. Mary Margaret's eyes welled up a little, too, when Emma's arms came around her and gripped tightly, seeking solace in her friendship.

There was a gentle knock at the door and they looked up to see David standing there, concern etched in his face. "What's wrong?"

Emma buried her head into Mary Margaret's shoulder and whispered something against her shirt.

She spent a few seconds trying to figure out Emma's mumbling before asking, "Sorry, what did you say?"

Lifting up her head, Emma spoke clearly and with distinction this time as she stared at David, "Neal's gone. He took off."

That was all she gave them - such a simple explanation for what she was upset about, but unable to give them any more than she already had. Emma was hanging on by a thread that had begun to unravel since yesterday morning and she gripped her best friend tighter to keep the fraying at bay.

Mary Margaret tightened her arms as Emma swayed with her; David stared at his sister, turning her words over and over in his mind. It was clear that whatever was bothering her was more than just Neal leaving, but left the women be, shutting the door quietly.

He walked out to the balcony, immediately calling Killian to warn him that Emma was safe, but would need time.

* * *

A shrill ring echoed in the library stacks as Killian stalked up and down the aisles; he took his phone out and answered without even looking, "Swan?"

"No, Jones, it's me," David's voice hit his ear, dutifully ignoring the hope in his friend's voice.

Killian froze, suddenly scared, "What have you heard?"

"She's home with us, Mary Margaret is in with her now. She's okay - just crying a lot."

He immediately turned and headed for the stairwell, "Crying? Why is she crying?" Killian knew the only reason Emma would ever cry was because of betrayal or guilt, one he's seen - and the other had him even more concerned. Both had to do with Neal, and at that thought he growled unconsciously into the phone, echoing off the stairwell.

He heard David clear his throat on the other end just as Killian descended the stairs, "I'm not entirely sure, she would only say that Neal had left her - 'took off' were her words."

He grit his teeth at the confirmation that her tears had been caused by Neal yet again, but to David all that came through was another growl and an "I'm on my way," before the call ended. He got to the ground floor and walked into the library's lobby, ignoring the calls from the librarians to sign out.

Every nerve of his body was tightening with rage; he knew there was more to the story - it was impossible that Neal just up and left her that simply. She would be upset, but Emma would never have left her friends in the dark for so long unless the experience was especially traumatic. He expected that David and Mary Margaret would be able to help her more than him, since they got her through other traumatic experiences before, but his mind wouldn't be able to rest until he had seen Emma for himself. He passed a group of women who stared at him longingly, not knowing that the intensity on his face was driven by rage.

* * *

He arrived at their apartment complex and ran up the stairs three at a time, but before he could knock on the door of her apartment it opened and David pushed him back into the outside hallway, shutting the door behind him.

Killian grit his teeth at the interruption, "I need to see her."

David stood back, keeping his hand on Killian's shoulder so he couldn't run around him, and he casually observed his friend, noting the rigid hold of his body, "I don't think that would be a good idea, Jones. You don't look all that composed right now."

Killian threw up his arms and began pacing up and down the cement walkway in front of David; he knew it probably wasn't a good idea to approach Emma in this state, but he was being pulled towards her with such force he felt he could do nothing else. He tried to dash around his friend, who stopped his halfhearted and panicked attempt at reaching Emma.

Chest heaving with the intensity, he fixed David with a glare, "Open the BLOODY DOOR!" He yelled into the hallway outside their apartments.

His friend started towards him, anger snapping that he would raise his voice like that, but Mary Margaret interrupted that action, whipping open the door to fix Killian with a death glare.

"Do  _not_ speak to him like that. We're friends, but Emma needs to be alone right now and I'm going to respect her wishes. You two need to just go and channel your protective nature onto something else - like tying knots."

Killian stood still as he watched her face, her arms crossed in front of her shoulder while her feet tapped the ground, and he knew she was just doing what she thought Emma wanted. "Please. Let me at least see her - I have to know she's okay," he said finally, pleading her.

"No, Killian. I'm sorry, but you'll just have to take my word for it. Emma is fine," Mary Margaret's voice held pity and it made Killian clench his jaw; he hated being pitied.

Killian shifted his view from David to Mary Margaret, before throwing his hands up, "Fine. I'll be upstairs. I hope you know what's best for her."

"What makes you think you'd know any better than us?" Mary Margaret replied sharply as he walked away, but David just put his arm around her shoulder and guided her back into her apartment.

They sat together on the couch as Emma finally had crawled out of bed to take a shower at Mary Margaret's insistence that she would feel better. "I haven't seen her like this in a long time David, I'm scared."

He pulled her tighter against him, sighing, "Emma will be fine, she's tough."

"I just don't see how I can help her if I don't know what happened," she whispered brokenly.

"Emma will tell us when she feels ready, we don't have to know what happened in order to support her and be her friend." David said the words with the weight of experience, having known Emma for far longer than his partner. It didn't make it any easier - the not knowing - but it seemed to soothe Mary Margaret's concerns as she just snuggled up to him in response.

* * *

It had been a week since the day Emma had come back from her mysterious missing evening and Killian had been kept in the dark about anything regarding Emma. David had only cryptically commented that she had expressed her disinterest in talking about Killian or Neal - anything, really.

So Killian had been forced to continue on with his classes, trying to ignore the tug he felt towards her apartment every day. He wanted to respect her space and requests, but that didn't mean it wasn't hard.

Despite coming to terms with the fact that she would never love him, that didn't stop the need he had to protect and help her when she needed him. His mother had taught him to not abandon the woman he loved, even if she pushed him away. He didn't know it at the time, but it was clear that she was speaking of her own broken heart related to his father.

There was a reason the Jones brothers were so close, and it wasn't just because Liam had raised him for the last six years of Killian's life. That was one thing that he appreciated about David - he never asked for more information about his past, accepting who he was in the present and future. It was something that David had learned from his years with Emma, and he had immediately recognized the same brokenness in Killian - even though he had never pointed it out or spoken about it to anyone, not even Killian. It was just a silent understanding.

So because of that, Killian respected David's pleas to not push Emma about what happened - though Killian knew very well that eventually she would need to talk about it, so he hoped they weren't going to ignore it completely.

A knock at the door drew him off of his bed where he had been laying down with his thoughts that kept him from sleep, and he rolled off and padded down the hallway. He checked the peephole and drew in a deep breath before unlocking and opening the door.

He hadn't seen Emma's face for over a week and he looked at her so desperately he worried that it would make her uncomfortable.

She stood there staring at him as well, surprise on her face, "Oh, hum, I thought David was here - is he here?"

Killian watched her body go still even as her eyes darted around, looking at everything but him. "No, he's on a date with Mary Margaret tonight - I thought they would have told you?"

Emma's eyes narrowed, "No, in fact David told me explicitly that he would be here tonight. We were supposed to hang out."

Killian just nodded, watching her try to work out what had happened - though Killian suspected it was a sneaky maneuver by David, knowing that he desperately needed to at least see her and know she was okay with his own eyes.

"Well, sorry to bother you I guess. See you around," she turned to go abruptly, but Killian stopped her, asking her to wait.

"You want to come inside, maybe have a drink? I'm sure it couldn't hurt," Killian tried to keep the hope out of his voice as he spoke to Emma's back.

To her own surprise, Emma readily agreed, immediately turning and walking past Killian into his apartment.

"You guys have whiskey, right?"

Killian grinned and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, "Well do you consider Fireball to be whiskey?"

Emma arched one eyebrow at him, "Fireball is shot-worthy, but whiskey is drink worthy. And I need a  _drink."_

He just watched as she hopped on the barstool like it was the most natural thing in the world to be drinking with him after everything that had gone down between them - and to them.

"Well said, Swan," he didn't notice her flinch at the name he used since he had turned to the fridge, pulling out the cranberry juice and vodka. Emma just watched him as he set the shot glasses on the island along with the fireball, preparing their kick off.

It was an odd sensation to be in his apartment alone, but Emma was in no mood to tip toe around and who best to pair that with than Killian? If she chose to drown her sorrows, he was her go-to guy for better or worse.

A shot of fireball was pressed in front of her and she looked up to see him grinning, quite pleased with himself, "Every good drinking session starts off with a shot."

She took the glass and raised it up equal with his, "Fuck men," she said bluntly as she clinked the glass to Killian's - who was quite surprised at her toast - and threw back the shot, completely unphased by his surprise.

Killian finally drank the shot, even though he was now on high alert. She had given her mindset away and he knew that he would have to pace himself tonight more than he had anticipated to make sure Emma didn't do more damage to herself.

Emma licked her lips at the deliciousness, but immediately grabbed the cranberry and vodka Killian had made for her, taking a sip.

"So, Jones, distract me with random chatter would you? In case you didn't know, my boyfriend ran off last week and I'm looking to get drunk."

He had to smile at her bluntness, and did just what she asked.

* * *

A few hours later, Killian had cut himself off while Emma continued to sip whatever alcohol she got her hands on. She was certainly drunk, while he was on the edge between that and tipsy; he had sent a text to David, letting him know not to worry if they didn't see Emma in her apartment when they got home. He hadn't responded, however.

Emma had her feet tucked beneath her as she sat on the couch, having set her wine glass on the side table; Killian was in the chair beside her, an awful reminder of their placement during Christmas - and what happened after that present opening.

"Killian, why haven't you asked me what happened?" She finally asked, slurring her words and causing his defenses to go up.

He faked a smile, "I figured you would tell me if you wanted, that and I was warned not to by both David and Mary Margaret." The fact that he said the last part was clear evidence of alcohol's influence, but neither of them were in the position to recognize it.

Emma pouted and sighed, "That was probably a good idea. I'm not happy with you."

"Could have fooled me right now, Swan," he chided.

She closed her eyes, her mind jumbled by the alcohol, but certain she should just go to sleep. Her mouth, however, had other ideas, "I was in jail."

A long, loaded silence followed, "Pardon?"

His voice hit her ear and she smile despite herself at the unsure tone, "When you couldn't find me that night and morning? I had been in jail."

Killian held his breath, knowing with a fierce certainty that she hadn't spoken of this to anyone yet - and terrified to say anything lest he break the spell.

"I don't even know why I'm telling you this, to be honest. I didn't want anyone to know how badly I had been played - especially not you," Killian frowned at the last part, a subtle reminder of how she felt about him deep down. Instead of the love he wanted from her, all she felt for him was a deep suspicion of his motives and actions - all of them.

"Emma, you can trust me - I thought I've made myself clear to you," his voice was desperate but he didn't care.

She opened her eyes and chuckled darkly as she looked over at him, "Yeah, just like I trusted Neal for five years - only to have it end with him setting me up for drug dealing while he took off for god knows where."

Killian was unable to control the gasp that hit him as she spoke, "He did  _what?"_

Emma waved her hand at him, "Oh don't act so surprised, you always hated him. You were the only one who never fully trusted him; I expect your gloating now."

He shook his head and moved to sit next to her, staring at her, "I would never gloat about your pain, Emma. You mean more to me than pettiness."

She stared at him for a few seconds before grabbing her glass of wine and stumbling towards the island where the bottle of fireball sat, moving to make her another. Killian's hand covered hers though, stopping her from pouring another shot.

"You'll regret that in the morning, trust me lass," he spoke softly.

Suddenly she threw the shot glass at the wall, "STOP BEING SO NICE TO ME."

Killian was frozen in shock as she turned on him with angry tears, "You're always so nice to me, but I see through it! I know what your game is - it's the same as Neal's was all this time - you just like to play with peoples' emotions and bend them to your will."

He knew a broken Emma when he saw one, and instead of pushing her away like she wanted, he walked up to her and put his arms around her, cradling the back of her head with his hand as she immediately pushed her face into his shoulder.

The wracking sobs started again as the weight of her emotions and guilt crashed around her again; she had spent more time in peoples' arms crying the past week than she ever had in her life. If this is what love did to a person, then she wanted none of it - no more. She wanted more than tears in her life, and it was time to refocus on the things that mattered - her family and school.

But despite the new resolve, she let herself find comfort once more in the arms of Killian Jones, not realizing that the comfort she felt came from a place of love - genuine love. But if someone only loves with the quiet half of their heart - the one that never speaks up, is it actually love? The only romantic love she had ever been through just destroyed whatever small bit of openness she had for the feeling.

Killian grew concerned at her growing silence, unsure about what was running through her head and fearing the worst, and having it confirmed when she spoke again. "I should have known better, this is all my fault."

He pulled away to look at her, "Emma, none of this was your fault - you can't shut everyone out like you've been doing. If you don't want me to help you, at least let David and Mary Margaret."

She sniffled a little bit, "I don't want to tell them, I'll be fine on my own." Emma wasn't so sure about that, but one thing was certain in her drunken haze - the only person she could ever truly trust was herself, which was the harsh reality of the world. One she had forgotten.

"Alright," Killian responded, "I'll still be here if you ever need to talk."

Laughing, she responded with, "Yeah sure," sarcasm rolling off her heavy tongue.

Killian just sighed, "Well regardless, it's time for you to get to bed-" he didn't even finish his sentence because a soft snore erupted at his shoulder, answering his unasked question.

He ducked down low to pull her legs up, and carried her into his bedroom, laying her on top of his thankfully clean sheets. He pulled his heavy comforter over her body as her mouth opened, her snores getting louder; Killian just smirked, knowing she would be mortified if he told her about her drunken snoring session.

He tucked the comforter around her body to keep her warm, and after a moment's hesitation ducked down to place a soft kiss on her forehead, silencing her snores for a few seconds, before turning off the light and shutting the door behind him.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Hello my lovelies! I hope everyone has had a great few weeks and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I mentioned on tumblr that the last part of this story's outline is more emotionally driven than plot driven, so the writing process is different but super interesting. I'm thinking about posting the next chapter on Friday, which will actually be the one year anniversary of this story and holy crap part of me is really sorry it's taken a year, but also really amazed at how the story and the readers have grown. I can never say it enough, but thank you all to those who read - especially those who comment and share this piece. I'm blessed, and I'm sorry I don't treat yall right with faster updates - but I have to do the story justice! My ask/inbox is always open if you want to chat! Thanks for reading, loves.


	23. The Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, but the story is. I make no claims on ABC's Once Upon a Time's intellectual property.

  **Half of My Heart**

_**I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else** _

_**I made a plan, stay the one who can only love himself** _

_**-John Mayer** _

_Why do you want to be a lawyer?_ Emma groaned. This was a slight variation on the same question she had answered on nearly ten different applications for law school. And they were all different enough where a simple copy and paste wouldn't get the job done.

She tapped her pen against the laptop, the only noise present in the library. Everyone else was enjoying a weekend of romantic revelry. Emma snorted - for the first time in years, she felt nothing but utter disdain for Valentine's Day. She had never felt particularly invested in the special holiday, but now she loathed it.

She was beginning to hate the color red.

Her phone buzzed softly against the table and she picked it up, answering with a snarly "What?"

"Well hello to you, too, Miss Sunshine," David's voice filtered through and she rolled her eyes. She hated being mocked, but David could get away with it - rarely.

"Hi David, did you need something? I thought you were with Mary Margaret today." She saved the latest application to UCLA's law school, knowing she'd have to get back to it soon.

There was a slight hesitation and pause before he spoke again, "Emma, I know you're busy - but would it be possible for you to cover the bar tonight? One of my guys called in sick unexpectedly."

She pressed her back against the wooden chair, sighing. There wasn't anything she was doing here that couldn't be done tomorrow, but she had been hoping to avoid all instances of society tonight. The past month or so she had tried her best hermit impression - throwing herself into school and application after application, but having friends like David and Mary Margaret had made it difficult - despite their understanding of her need for space.

Sensing Emma's hesitation, David spoke again, "Please Emma, otherwise I'll have to and-"

"Yeah yeah, leave Mary Margaret out of your guilt trip," Emma spoke firmly, but her voice had the teasing quality that David had missed so much in the past month. "I'll do it, but only because you two need a night out. I'm going to be miserable."

David held his tongue, wanting to say she could enjoy herself and bring someone home, but thought better of it. Despite her outward appearance, she was still barely functioning according to Mary Margaret. When she was in their apartment, Emma was essentially a zombie with a cold exterior, avoiding all mentions and questions about Neal. They had considered trying to get her into therapy, but if she wouldn't talk to them then that was out of the question.

Killian had been tight lipped on the matter, providing no explanation for why Emma came home teary eyed from his apartment a month ago. Emma waved off their concerns and whispered a thank you to Killian, and as far as David was aware that was the last time they had spoken.

He thanked her profusely for helping out and ended the call, nodding to Mary Margaret, "She agreed, this better work."

Mary Margaret gripped his hand in hers, "David, she needs some time outside of this apartment and the library. Don't feel bad, she'll appreciate it later. I promise."

* * *

 Killian was sitting on the balcony of his apartment, fiddling with the phone. It was almost time for his call with his brother Liam, but he had a lot on his mind and none of it were things he particularly wanted to discuss just yet. Unfortunately for him, Liam would be able to sniff it out within minutes - leaving Killian to steel his nerves in preparation.

It was about Emma - but it wasn't; there were only a few short months left in their last year together and Killian was faced with a number of internship offers, leaving him with a momentous decision of where to spend the next few years of his life. Without Emma. It was a heavy realization; he had spent the past month pretending she would come around and stop blaming him for everything that had happened - but deep down, Killian knew that nothing would ever be the same between them. She had somehow let him in for a fraction of a second before it was all swept away - karma, for what they had done. For what he had wanted - he should have been stronger, but all he had thought about was her in that moment. And she had let him.

When he laid his heart before her, she had cursed it with a brief touch - enough to haunt him for a lifetime of what ifs - before she threw it away, broken by something he had no involvement in. Killian sighed and dialed his brother's number, resigned to the inevitable interrogation.

"Killian! You're late brother," Liam's jovial voice made him smile despite the morose thoughts weighing down his mind.

He forced a laugh, "Sorry, got distracted by something." Which, while true, was still a lie - he had been trying to think of an excuse to delay the call.

Liam hummed and Killian waited in the space of loaded silence, "So how's the internship decision coming?"

Killian was momentarily stunned that his brother had decided to not question him further on his distracted mind, but recovered quickly. "Alright I guess, I have a lot of options - Chicago is probably a front runner at the moment, but there's one here in Boston that would be a good option."

"You've been in Boston for a while, Killian. Might be time to move on and spend some time elsewhere."

Killian looked out at the view off his balcony, trying to decide if Liam's words were genuine or if they had an alternate meaning - one regarding Emma. "Yeah, like I said I'm still deciding. It just depends."

"You've given her nearly four years of your life, Killian. At some point you have to choose what's best for you, and the person on the other end of this phone is being eaten alive with a myriad of feelings and almost none of them are good to carry for too long."

He knew Liam was right, but it wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear, "I can't just abandon her, Liam. She needs people in her corner -"

"And there is nothing that says you can't be in her corner and also make decisions for yourself. You can be a friend a thousand miles away. I'm still your brother and my address changes weekly."

Killian laughed and acknowledged his point, reluctantly. "I'm still going to apply to all the places, I might not even get into the Chicago firm. They only take two interns a year."

"You'll get in, you're a Jones! Success is in your blood and your talent speaks for itself."

Smiling, Killian steered the conversation on to lighter topics - and Liam's life. As much as he sometimes felt he was alone in the world - no one's first choice - he knew he would always have Liam.

* * *

 Emma slammed her bag on the bar, the sound echoing throughout the empty room. It was Valentine's Day and she was stuck covering the bar for her brother, whom she suspected was making the entire thing up. Unfortunately, he had dodged her calls all day and Mary Margaret claimed ignorance of the whole thing.

She hopped up on the bar and slid down the other side, grabbing a rag and the cleaning solution. Technically the first thing she should do would be to check the taplines, but she had plenty of time until opening and she'd rather busy herself with cleaning.

Emma had always channeled her frustrations into cleaning or fighting - and only one of them was productive at the moment. The person she most wanted to fight was currently on the run, the police had no idea where he was and probably wouldn't be looking too hard due to the relative unimportance of the situation. She really should go to Ruby's soon, she would understand the need for a little destruction.

The _second_ person she would fight right now would only make her more upset. Killian Jones. She had allowed herself to be seduced by his charms and soft words, his story about how he had loved her from the moment they met. Impossible, utterly foolish - and she had fell for it. All it took was having her world ripped away when Neal betrayed her to remind Emma just what the world was like for her - the only person she could trust was herself. And no matter how much she yearned for it to be different, she wouldn't forget again.

She stopped scrubbing the wood bar for a moment and rested her head against the cool surface, taking a deep breath, trying to remember what it was like to not _care_ so much about things.

Emma pushed off the bar and went to get the rest of the bar ready for a night that would be filled with people as lonely and alone as she was.

* * *

 "Hey bartender! Need another whiskey on the rocks over here," a man at the end of the bar slurred in her general direction.

Emma smiled at the jovial tone and waved him off, "Yeah alright, coming up."

The bar was surprisingly busy, and both music and laughter bounced off the walls. All in all, it was an energetic Valentine's Day - nothing like she expected.

"You'd think the people here would be more somber, huh?" Her fellow bartender, Jake, remarked over the music as she ran a tab for someone.

Emma shrugged, "I guess - but people usually don't come here for somber. Hard to be a quiet karaoke bar, you know?"

He laughed, and she liked the sound of it. "You've got a point I guess - you ever sang before?"

"Not…really," Emma hesitated. "I was serenaded once." She shook her head, annoyed that she had even brought it up - didn't even know why it had been in her head.

"Yeah? Bet that was awkward, who was it?"

She smiled despite herself, "It wasn't awkward actually, it was…nice." Her fingers pushed her hair back behind her ears nervously and she felt herself blush slightly at the memory. _Damn him._

Jake watched her face transform and nodded to himself, "Ah, I see. An ex, then?"

"No. Absolutely not, no."

A few, long seconds passed by before he pushed off the counter, "Well, if that's what you want to keep telling yourself."

Emma glared at him as he walked towards a new customer, signaling an end to the brief yet troubling conversation. She shook it off and went back to work, rededicating herself to not thinking too much about any of it.

* * *

**_A few months later_**

Emma slid the key into the metal door and pulled it open, pulling out their mail for the day. She stood there for a moment, flipping through the envelopes before she saw the iconic Crimson coat of arms - Harvard Law School. She yelped and dropped the rest of the mail, running at full speed towards the stairs that would take her to her apartment.

Taking two stairs at a time, she screamed for Mary Margaret before she even reached the door - opening it to a frazzled black haired woman. "Emma! What on earth is-"

Emma held up the envelope and let Mary Margaret read where it was from, "OH MY GOD! I'm calling David, he'll want to be here."

She ran upstairs to grab her boyfriend, who was appropriately disgruntled until the reason for the disturbance was made known.

He walked in to see his sister sitting on the couch, chewing her fingernail with her legs tucked underneath her, staring at the envelope. "Moment of truth, huh?"

Emma barely recognized what he was saying, but finally looked up at him, "I'm scared to open it."

"There's no need to be scared - you got in, I feel it." She smiled at him, but didn't find much comfort in it - David was always thoroughly optimistic and it was a trait she did not share. Especially lately.

It had taken weeks for her to get back to what she considered normal - she found she had a lot of free time with nothing to fill it with, so she had been working more and more at the bar to pass the time. David was more than grateful as it freed up his time to be with Mary Margaret. Emma couldn't find it in herself to be bitter, seeing them still so happy - something she had felt she would never feel again.

Emma took a deep breath and picked up the envelope, slowly peeling back the seal. She glanced up at David before she unfolded the paper. They were silent as she read the first paragraph and let the paper slip out of her hands as she stared straight ahead with a blank look on her face, giving nothing away. Mary Margaret looked at David, worried, before picking the paper up and reading it.

"EMMA! David, she got in!" David whooped and leaned down to kiss Emma's head and pulled her in for a hug.

"That's my sister! Going to Harvard Law School to change the world."

Emma looked up at their beaming faces and smiled softly, overwhelmed. She had worked so hard for this that she didn't understand why she felt so disconnected from it. Shaking her head, she got up and slapped her hands together, "Well I think this calls for a celebratory dinner! Where to?"

Mary Margaret looked at David hesitantly, "You know Emma, why don't we have a celebration dinner tomorrow night? We can cook all your favorite stuff and play some board games, just relax and have a good night in."

"Allllright, I guess that works," she quirked an eyebrow at their shifty expressions, but shrugged it off. This was the culmination of not just the past four years, but even her dreams in high school. And she wouldn't even have to move away to go to one of the best - if not _the_ best - law schools in the country. Maybe even the world. It was all she could hope for.

After the last few months, she was grateful for the good news.

Before she shut her bedroom door for the night, she heard David speaking - worry in his tone. "We should've at least told her, Mary Margaret."

"It's been months, David. He's our friend and they both have things to celebrate - whatever happened between them I'm sure it's long over."

Emma heard David acquiesce, and she laid down on her bed, looking over at the necklace that still had its own place on her nightstand. She grabbed it and threw it into the drawer, not needing the reminder of how her life had spectacularly gone into free fall after a single decision on a night in December.

* * *

 The next evening, Emma wore a deep red blouse and jeans made for sprawling on a couch, as she walked out to where Mary Margaret was preparing dinner. She slid into one of the bar stools at the island and popped a piece of cheese into her mouth.

"Emma, wait for later - we're not heathens."

"Yes mom," Emma said as she grabbed another piece of cheese and grinned at her friend. It wasn't Mary Margaret's fault she was so motherly, and Emma enjoyed it - never really having one of her own, it made her feel cozy and looked after. It was a big reason she was so grateful she wouldn't have to move away from them. Emma couldn't imagine her life without these two.

There was a knock at the door and she slid off the chair to go open the door.

Killian Jones stood on the other side, his hair somewhat tamed and parted to one side, his smile dropping as he realized who had answered the door. "Emma, oh - I'm sorry, maybe I got the day wrong - I'll just go."

"You will do no such thing, Killian Jones." Mary Margaret's voice sounded from the kitchen as she walked around Emma, pulling him inside, "We invited you, you've been in self-imposed exile long enough and we're still your friends."

He wasn't too sure about that as he caught a glimpse of Emma's glare, but decided that silence was probably the better option right now. He _had_ been in exile, but it wasn't really self-imposed - Emma had done everything she could to remove her from his life and avoided him at all costs. He understood running from problems, but Emma dropped a nuclear bomb as she ran, effectively ending all attempts from him to speak to her.

Eventually, he had accepted her choice; in the end, he was at least happy she had made one finally. He tried not to dwell on the fact that had been lost in the drama of events - that she had been on her way to finally break up with Neal, before he had crushed what little trust and hope she held on to in the world.

Killian shook the thoughts away as he asked Mary Margaret what he could do to help, and ended up gathering plates and silverware to set the table in silence, Emma looking on pensively. David showed up a few minutes later, just as his better half was setting food on the table. He kissed her on the cheek as they all settled at the table.

The first few minutes were filled with idle chatter and small talk, Killian trying not to feel awkward about the way Emma kept staring at him as he talked.

Mary Margaret lifted up her glass of wine to call a toast, "To the next chapter of our lives, and though our paths differ - we will always have a home in each other."

They clinked their glasses together and Killian turned to Emma, "I hear congratulations are in order - I'm so happy for you."

Emma smiled and nodded, "Thank you, Killian." His eyes lingered on her face for a few moments before being broken by David.

"Well that's not all that's in order! Here's to the Windy City stealing a good one away from us," he gestured his glass towards Killian, who had the audacity to demure as Mary Margaret congratulated him and gripped his hand, squeezing it in solidarity.

Emma couldn't bring herself to ask what David was talking about, but her question was answered quickly after that.

"So what exactly is the difference between an internship and a job at this firm?"

Killian leaned back and gestured, "Well, in the end not much. I still get paid fairly well, though not as much as a full time job. I'll be learning from some of the best architects in the United States and at the end of a year, I'll have my pick of jobs in the Chicago area. Though really I hope I'll get to stay where I am, it's the best fit."

Mary Margaret and David asked him a few other questions, but Emma sat frozen in her chair as she realized what they were talking about. Killian was _leaving;_ she knew they were graduating, but she had assumed he would be taking the internship in Boston he had talked about in the Fall…

But that was before, when he wanted…

Emma stood up abruptly and left the apartment, running downstairs into the grass field in between the buildings in the complex. She took deep breaths as she processed what was happening - why should she be surprised? Of course he wanted to leave…she hadn't made the past few months very pleasant for him. And she had spent them convincing herself he was the root of all her sorrow - and Emma thought she was right, as she always did. But maybe she had been fooling herself, and in the end it didn't matter what she felt - no one wanted to deal with the baggage she brought with her, especially if she couldn't deal with it herself.

Killian Jones was no different, he was around when it was convenient and took the first opportunity to leave, to bolt - just like everyone else in her life.

"Swan," a voice said behind her as she was leaning over, her hands on her knees, breathing heavily.

"You're leaving," she said.

"Yes."

Emma straightened up and turned around to look at him; he was standing calmly with his hands in his pockets just a few feet away.

"Why? I thought you had planned to stay in Boston, that local firm." Her stance was defensive as she watched him pull his hands out of his pockets, hating how casual and calm he seemed.

He stared at her for a moment, weighing how much to tell her, "I evaluated my options, decided that Chicago really was the best firm for me. Boston's is great, but I had to admit to myself that the reason it had been my top choice was because of you."

"So I'm the reason you're leaving? You're putting this on me, just because I rejected you?" Emma was hurt and her eyes started watering; Killian leaned forward as if he was going to pull her to him, comfort her.

But instead he spoke, "No, I simply made a decision independent of my social life - Chicago _is_ the best place for me. Especially for Architects. And you didn't reject me, you just retreated from me, convinced I was the root of all evil."

Emma walked past him, ignoring the last comment, but Killian grabbed her arm as she passed him. "Why are you upset, I didn't think you wanted me around anymore. That my presence wasn't helping you heal. I thought you'd be happy about this."

She stood frozen, but made no attempt to either look at him or move away, "I just-"

Emma broke and ripped away from him, "I don't _want_ you."

He nodded as if he expected it, though whether he believed her or not he kept that close to his chest. "I know what you're going through, Emma. I wish it were enough for me to know that, but it's not anymore. I can't stay here and hang by this weak thread between my heart and yours."

Killian moved toward her slowly, as if afraid she would bolt, and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. Emma closed her eyes as he whispered, "When you decide you need me, or want me to stay without any strings, just say the word Emma. You still own that much of me."

He pulled away, "I'll see you at graduation, Emma." And as he walked back towards the stairs, presumably to say goodnight to Mary Margaret and David, Emma gulped a deep breath, realizing she hadn't breathed since he kissed her.

Finally, her head overruled her heart and she decided to let him go. She knew she wasn't ready for whatever they had - could have; might never be ready. It was as if Emma's heart was torn into two pieces, warring sides that never paused to heal. One was ready and willing to take the leap, but the other…sat there beating, apathy nipping at its heels.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  Author's Note: This story has four more chapters and an epilogue. They are all done, minus the epilogue which I'll finish tonight or tomorrow. I will be posting a chapter tomorrow and one a day until it is done. This is for real this time you guys. Thank you for your patience and to those who never stopped asking about it or loving this story. I told you I would finish it and I have. I'm sorry it took so long, I've been in a severe depression for over a year (I have bipolar disorder) and have been seeing a psychiatrist since July and it has helped a lot, to the point where I was finally ready to write again. It's hard to explain, but despite loving the story and thinking about writing it, I just couldn't - there was nothing in me that let me do it. So I'm sorry it took so long, but I've been writing nearly a chapter a night for the past week and I hope you guys enjoy the ending as much as I do - it'll be bittersweet to see this story end for me. Enjoy.


	24. The Graduation

**Half of My Heart**

" _ **Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation  
**_ _ **Half of my heart takes time."  
**_ __ **-John Mayer**

Emma fiddled with her hair, having spent an unusual amount of time styling it today, on possibly one of the most momentous days of her life. And that was the word - _momentous;_ for a girl with her childhood and penchant for withdrawal, the fact that she was standing there in a graduation robe with her honor cord around her neck was nothing short of a miracle.

So she couldn't understand why she felt so somber, like something overwhelming was breaking off of her life.

Mary Margaret studied her from the living room, wondering why her friend seemed so lost on one of the happiest days in her life thus far. They hadn't spoken of her outburst a few weeks ago, the dramatic running outside with Killian on her heels, but Mary Margaret knew. She had always known, they were like magnets; but if magnets were turned around, they repelled each other - and she knew very well what Emma had been doing.

David had implored her to leave Emma alone, that this was an area she had to work out on her own - and Mary Margaret acquiesced. But that didn't stop her from asking, "What's on your mind? You seem…sad."

Emma broke out of her musing and looked at her friend, giving her a bright smile despite her mood. "I guess there's just so much going on, it's hard for me to focus on how good I should feel," Emma dropped her voice a little, losing its happy tone. "I'm scared to say goodbye."

Mary Margaret walked up, bringing Emma into a hug, "You're not saying goodbye forever - this I know for sure, and you'll always have us with you. Even when you get snappy and shut us out." She felt Emma laugh and pulled back, seeing a genuine smile.

"I'm sorry, I've been so dramatic this semester. We really should make it a point to have some fun on the town tonight."

"Please, David and I have worked out a whole plan until the wee hours of the morning. We've got you covered," Mary Margaret winked and went to put on her shoes.

Emma sighed, happy to almost have her degree - and looking forward to a few months off before the grind of law school began. She paused when she saw her bed stand through her open door, calling to her. Quirking up one side of her mouth, she walked in and pulled out the necklace Killian had given her so many years ago.

Giving herself no chance to rethink it, she snapped off her pearl necklace and slipped on Killian's. She didn't even know why really, she was still beyond angry at herself and him - but the tug of her heart forced it around her neck.

Mary Margaret said nothing as she walked in and saw the different accessory hanging around her neck.

* * *

Killian brushed his hands through his hair, nervous without knowing why. David was sitting there watching him, smirking as his brother Liam pulled at his tie. Killian's hands had shook so much he couldn't even tie it, and he knew he would never live this one down. It was the worst thing to experience in front of these two in particular, who would never forget the time he was so antsy over a social event he couldn't even tie his own tie.

David shook his head and went back into his room to finish dressing. Liam took the opportunity to speak to his brother, "If this is about Emma, you need to put that aside for now. This is a good day, a strong day for the Jones family. Focus on that, brother."

Killian nodded and tried not to tug at the collar of his shirt. "Are you going to tell her?"

Eyes flew up to Liam's face, "No, my past is irrelevant." Liam had been asking him, almost telling him, to talk to Emma about where his fundamental understanding of her struggles comes from. Killian had thus far been quite adamant that he would do no such thing - he didn't want her to come to him because of pity or anything to do with his past. He was drawn to her because of who she was and what she wanted for her future, and Killian wanted the same from her.

"I would argue, brother, that _your_ past in particular is incredibly relevant to the situation at hand." Liam continued speaking in hushed tones, knowing David might be able to hear - and that Killian had guarded his family's past almost as strongly as Emma guarded her heart.

Killian shrugs it off, "You know I'm not one to dwell in the past, I don't want whatever I have with Emma to start with the weight of it. I look to the future, she focuses on the past. It's not a good idea."

Liam clicked his teeth in disapproval, "Killian, you're being an absolute idiot."

"You don't even _know_ Emma. Not like I do. I want her to choose me for our future, not because she pities me or finds me a kindred spirit - which I'm not, really - just to be clear. Her experiences were far different than ours."

He was saved from any sort of response as David walked back into the room, "You boys ready to go? The girls are already downstairs and if we make them wait we might never hear the end of it."

Killian laughed, mimicking Mary Margaret, "Oh sure, and _we_ take a long time to get ready. Men."

David shoved him a little, and they walked out the door laughing, ready for their graduation ceremony.

* * *

Emma tried not to stare at Killian on the ride there and throughout the ceremony, and he felt her eyes on him, but chose to focus on anything but Emma. He was laughing and joking with his brother, the enigmatic Liam Jones, and David.

Emma had never felt so alone as when she looked at her friends after the ceremony, laughing and taking pictures. She ran her fingers against the pendant that lay against her chest, knowing it was too late to say anything at this point, they had made their respective choices.

Turning around, she saw Liam staring at her, closer than she expected. He nodded off in the opposite direction and, intrigued, Emma followed him.

"It's good to see you Emma, we didn't get to talk much on the way here since we were running late," he held his hand out and her fingers left the necklace and grasped his. He studied her for a moment, before looking at the necklace. If he recognized it, he chose not to comment and for that Emma was grateful; she didn't know how she would even begin to explain why she was wearing it right now.

"Oh yeah, well you guys seemed to be enjoying yourselves anyway. It's a happy day, college is finally over!"

Liam laughed, "Yeah, for some of us - others seem to want to tack on a few more years in law school." He winked and smiled at her, and she remembered that she really liked Liam - he had an open and somewhat reckless quality that she appreciated. It made her think of Killian.

He straightened up and pinned her with a stare, his manner suddenly serious. "Emma, I'm going to tell you something - Killian is an idiot and refused to bring it into whatever conversations you have had or still need to have."

"O…kay," Emma leaned back and raised one eyebrow, not sure where this was going. She looked back quickly to see that her friends were still mingling with others in her class, then looked back at Liam.

"Killian doesn't speak about his family outside of me very much, does he?" Emma shook her head and he continued, "That's because we only had each other for most of his life. Our father abandoned us when we were younger, and then our mother died shortly thereafter when Killian was ten or so."

She stared at him, trying to process the information. Luckily, Liam understood and continued with no need for encouragement, "You see, our mother was quite wealthy due to her family - and she was an only child - but she was cautious, you see. She kept a tight rein on her money and our father didn't like that very much - a spend thrift, as you will. So he took off with some of the family's heirlooms. When she died, in her will, she left everything to myself and Killian. Our father, who had come back with eagerness at the news, got nothing; she had found out he had been nursing a drug addiction and declared him unfit. So he ran off again, leaving me to care for Killian - I was barely eighteen."

Liam finally looked at Emma, waiting for her to understand the implications of what she was hearing. "He just left you?"

He nodded, "Since then it's just been Killian and myself. He became a bit reckless, which was odd since as a child he was a stickler for the rules. He saw college as a way to reinvent himself and take advantage of the revelry."

Emma shook her head somewhat ruefully, "Well he certainly nailed that, I'd say."

"Indeed, except one night early on in freshman year, he left a drunken voicemail message; he was rambling about some girl he knew - how she drew him in and he felt lost when he was around her, in a good way." Liam grinned at her, "He said he had given her our mother's pendant."

Her mouth opened a little bit in surprise, but Liam continued. "I never mentioned it to him, because after that night nothing seemed to have changed. He just kept doing his thing, but every once in a while he would mention something about an Emma - and his voice," he trailed off a bit, remembering. "These past months have been difficult for him, letting go of so much hope. He had tried so hard to disconnect from who he was, but in the end it caught up with him - and then it all came tumbling down."

He stopped talking for a long while, watching her face, wondering what emotion would settle on it once she calmed down. He hoped Killian would forgive him this overstep - it was a calculated risk for his brother's happiness _,_ but he knew his brother could be stubborn - and Emma, from everything he heard, was even _worse_

David might have mentioned that once or twice.

With no warning, Emma turned to the group and locked eyes with Killian; she seemed to have made up her mind about something and Killian had been staring at the two for long enough to gather what was going on. She marched over to him and shoved him in the chest, forcing him to take a few steps back to regain his balance.

"What game were you playing, Killian?" Her voice was loud and caused the surrounding people to move away from the two in a hurry.

Scowling, he straightened his shirt, "I never played games with you, Swan."

"Why did you never tell me about your parents?" Emma's voice was tinged with a bit of hurt that he would keep this from her, even though rationally she knew he had every right to. She kept enough things from him and everyone else. "Why did you keep such a big secret about yourself from me?"

Killian put a finger on his nose and raised his hand in the air flippantly, "I don't know, Swan, maybe I didn't want to be defined by my past. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, though. You _cling_ to it instead of looking forward."

"How dare you, I've worked incredibly hard for a FUTURE-"

"Yes, but every time someone does something wrong you carry it as a wound forever - you even do it to David and Mary Margaret! You push people away when you find out they're not _perfect_." Killian knew he was being a bit insensitive, that her history was far different from his even though he understood where she was coming from most of the time.

Emma opened her mouth and closed it several times, knowing he was right but not wanting to acknowledge it. "Killian…if I had _known_ you understood," she said softly, raising a hand to his arm, squeezing it gently.

He closed his eyes and grit his teeth, "Emma, I never wanted your decision to be based on my past - it's why I never told you. This changes nothing, you never asked me to stay. You don't want to or aren't ready, either way - I'm leaving Boston."

They stared at each other, heedless of the crowd that were watching and trying to be inconspicuous about it. Emma's eyes were locked onto his, a frantic quality to them as she tried to process the enormity of their heated conversation.

"Screw you, Killian, I was just trying to be _nice._ How conceited do you have to be to think that this - me talking to you about it - meant I would be with you suddenly?" Emma's lips trembled and her eyes filled with tears. Killian knew her anger, understood it in the depths of his heart; she had held out hope that he would stay, as he always had before - and she was finally realizing he was leaving her. Just as she had wanted.

Killian took one of her hands in his and traced the lines of her palm in a soothing pattern, "For so long, I never thought I would find someone to love - who would love me. Whether it was the money that called to people or my somewhat trashy nocturnal activities, it just didn't seem like I would find something. And for all my talk of the future, it was hard for me to see where I would be - emotionally, at least - after college."

He smiled ruefully at that, still staring at her palm, and Emma smiled softly in response, studying his face.

"But unexpectedly, I met you on day one. And I was scared, I will fully admit it - even though it didn't show. That Halloween, I knew I was done for, but I was stubborn and foolish and yes even too noble. I knew you were taken and happy somewhat, what kind of person would I be if I stumbled into that?"

He finally looked up at her, his eyes earnest, "You showed me another way, Emma. To love. I had thought I could show you the same thing - help you, but in the end that was selfish of me. I can't be your savior, you can only get there if you accept yourself. And you haven't, not all of it."

Emma's temper finally snapped, "Listen, I'm not here to be lectured to. I am perfectly fine, I don't need you."

But she did, she knew it; Emma felt her heart tug at her as the words left her mouth laced with anger. She loved him, but it would never be enough for him. He would resent her one day for not giving him everything she could and that led to a bitter taste in her mouth.

"Emma, this wasn't about me lecturing you. I want to help you, I _love_ you."

Her breath hitched and she pushed at his chest again, "Just go, I don't need you. Leave me, have a good life in Chicago." She spit the last word out and he stared at her, his heart breaking once again. She was lashing out, and as much as he wanted to pull her into his arms, he had to let her go - she needed time to heal. And he just made it harder, being here.

Emma glared at him and her heart broke as he finally turned to leave, her shoulders sagging and a sob leaving her. She knew he had to go, she was no good for him - an absolute mess he didn't need to carry around at the start of a new life. So she put the final nail in the coffin and left without saying goodbye to the friends who had watched the entire interaction with concerned faces.

She hated herself, hated how he seemed to bring all the emotions she kept buried to the surface. She didn't like who that person was, who lashed out at any real connection that wasn't David or Mary Margaret. Emma thought briefly that was why Neal had done what he did, but for the first time she pushed that negative thought away. Neal had done that to himself for no other reason than that he was an asshole.

When she got home, she gently unclasped her necklace and hung it back on her night stand, no longer angry at the sight of it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you there'd be one today! I kept my promise. Thank you so much to those who have left reviews, PMs, asks, etc. expressing not only excitement for the new chapter, but also encouragement and congratulations on the strides I have taken in my mental health. You guys are very loyal readers and very lovely. I'm going to be sad to see everything end! Stick with me, a few more chapters to go! Please don't forget you are ALWAYS free to message, ask, etc. me on tumblr - caishakalianah - or here. About anything! I'm here.


	25. The Return

**Half of My Heart  
  
** " _ **Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you  
**_ _ **That I can't keep loving you  
**_ _ **With half of my heart."  
**_ _ **-John Mayer**_ __ ****  


A few weeks later, Emma had thrown herself into working at the bar; she busing tables at the bar as her cellphone vibrated in her back pocket. She took it out, saw who it was, and silenced it. David watched her do this almost every night, knowing who was calling. She had been doing really well since her blow up at graduation - smiling more, embracing the freedom of summer, just working at the bar with her friends.

But she was still in heavy denial about what had happened with Killian; David knew that whatever feelings for Killian still lingered, she was studiously ignoring him. Every night like clockwork, Killian would call to check in, and every night David watched her ignore the call.

David knew because he spoke to Killian frequently and while the majority of their conversations were not about Emma, he still mentioned leaving voicemails sometimes. David wasn't sure if Emma ever listened to them.

Killian, though he respected her choice, knew that nothing was simply black and white with Emma - he needed her to know that he hadn't abandoned her the way so many had.

Emma understood, and every night she silenced the phone, her fingers hovered over the green answer icon; but she knew nothing would be like he wanted it to be. She knew she wasn't ready to talk to him again, even in casual conversation. Though she had been angry at him for keeping secrets - that weren't really mandatory for her to know given their non-relationship - she still knew fervently that she wasn't ready. The very fact that she _had_ been so defensive about the secret was proof enough of that.

Emma had decided just to focus on the simple things for now. Like working in the bar and preparing for Harvard and getting back to herself - the Emma who had survived abandonment and foster homes to get into Harvard University. She didn't need the complications relationships brought, and so ignoring his calls grew much easier over time. But she never told him to stop, it was comforting in a way; he still knew what she needed and her heart ached at the distance she was putting between them.

But one day the calls stopped coming, and the first few days she assumed he was just busy with work and long hours, however she realized towards the end of July when the sun was unreasonable warm on her neck as she walked to the bar that he had finally given up.

She felt an emptiness now, every night; and every night, David watched her sink deeper into herself. At some point, they would have to intervene - no matter how much space they wanted to give her.

* * *

 Killian's pencil flew across the large piece of paper on his drawing desk, working late on another draft of some hotel building renovations. For the most part his internship has gone as expected, though it had only been two and a half short months. He was grateful for the chance to study under renowned architects and build relationships that might eventually lead to a chance to design his own structures.

His internship partner, another man from UCLA, was not pleasant and Killian had never experienced such a cutthroat person in his life. Still, interpersonal relationships aside, he was happy to be able to spread his wings as it were. He was trying to stay focused on his main goal of earning a job at the end of the internship year at the firm, but there were still some lingering threads that needed to be resolved before he could commit completely.

He kept his personal sketchbook in a drawer and every once in a while opened it back up, reviewing some sketches he had drawn in a happier time - one where Emma smiled at him without the weight of all of their issues attached to it.

His phone rang out shrilly and he snatched it immediately, "Jones." He spoke shortly, finding even in the first two months of his internship that he didn't have enough energy or time to give more in way of greeting.

"Sir, I believe I've located him," the grizzled voice spoke into his ear and Killian stood up and began to walk around the floor.

"Where is he, then?" Killian kept a reign on his emotions, but just barely; they were threatening to snap and he had always been the calm one.

The voice spoke firmly, "Kingston, Ontario. He looks to have been there for a while from what we can tell, sir."

Killian clenched his fist and ground out, "Please send me the information. I'll be there in the morning."

"Of course, sir." He ended the call and looked at the ceiling, processing his next steps.

He was certain he was overstepping his bounds as a friend - or more than a friend - but Neal Cassidy did not deserve a life of peace, even if it was in exile. It burned Killian's blood to know that he had left so much damage in his wake - and not just to Emma.

He turned off the light and grabbed his bag, heading to the elevator; the investigators in the Boston police department had been looking for Neal for the past two months with no luck, their resources unfortunately spread thin. They were currently only relying on BOLOs (be on the lookout) across the nation. Killian had decided to take matters into his own hands when the police hadn't been able to locate him - he had enough money to do some good with it.

But now as the time was upon him, he wasn't sure what he his plan really was - realistically he should just call the local police in Kingston and let them know they had a wanted fugitive from the US. They would then be able to get the FBI involved, but for Killian this was personal and he had never been very good at letting other people deal with personal issues with his friends.

* * *

 Killian walked down the street in the early afternoon and despite the circumstance found himself appreciating the city. It was not a place you heard of very often, but he thought he wouldn't mind a visit under a more pleasing context.

He looked at the paper where he had scrawled the address to where Neal was living, or hiding out as it were, and walked up to the door with the brass numbers on it. There was no peep hole or windows around, so Killian felt confident he would surprise him.

He rapped on the door and stuffed the paper back into his pants pocket. He heard rustling and, to Killian's surprise, the door opened without Neal even calling out to see who it was. He must have been expecting someone.

Neal barely had the time to recognize who was standing on his door step, because all he felt was a heavy punch to his jaw and the man shoving him back into his house, slamming the door shut.

Killian waited for Neal to recover and realize who was standing in front of him.

He held his jaw and felt blood from his split lip enter his mouth, "What the fuck, man?"

"Must I explain that to you?" Killian's tone was full of condescension and a boredom he did not feel, but was keeping his emotions tightly reined in. He had prepared himself, this time.

Neal straightened up and stared at him, "This is about _Emma?_ Seriously? She wasn't charge, why do you care?"

He looked at Killian for a few long moments and finally something click, "I knew it - you always had a thing for her, even though you slept through half the campus. At least _I_ loved her."

Killian's control snapped and he landed a blow to Neal's stomach, feeling him double over, the air leaving his chest. "You have a funny way of showing love, snorting drugs off of women and framing Emma then leaving town to hide out here. Yeah Neal, if that's love - then no I don't love her."

There was pained chuckling, Neal still doubled over, "She had already left me, I didn't owe her anything."

"You owed her the decency to _not_ frame her. That was pure vengeance, something she had not earned. She deserved better."

Sighing, Killian grabbed the neck of his shirt and forced him to sit down on the couch. He took a seat on the table in front of it. "Neal, you were with her for years. She doesn't deserve what you're putting her through. You know how personally she takes abandonment - which is what you did, even if you felt she was already gone."

He waited a few minutes, Neal sat there trying not to wince at his injuries, "You owe her this. Come back and turn yourself in."

"Why would I ever do that? I'm looking at _least_ at ten years in prison. I don't owe her that much."

Killian stood up, seeing that arguing was useless; he had never liked Neal, but never thought he would be this callous and vengeful.

"You have ten minutes to gather your things while I watch. If you don't come with me, I'll stay here until the police pick you up. If you come willingly, your legal fees will be paid for when you inevitably go to trial." It was far more than Neal deserved, but he preferred to do this quietly - but most important, secretly; Emma would feel indebted to him and given their history that was not something he wanted influencing her.

Neal looked surprised at that, he hadn't realized before just how wealthy Killian really was. He knew there was no way out and having a good lawyer might mean five years instead of ten, so he stood and grabbed a bag with his fake IDs to get back to Boston.

Killian just watched as he gathered the small belongings, anger still simmering at the surface, but knowing this was the most he would be allowed to give Emma. It wasn't the best situation, Neal deserved far longer in jail than he would get for the simple act of hurting Emma, but Killian was not as vengeful; he would not be the man Neal was. As for Emma, he had accepted her radio silence and had stopped calling her a while ago; he knew she wouldn't miss them anyways. She had made herself quite clear.

Still, Killian could at least do this for her.

* * *

 They left the airport in a taxi, since Killian's car was still in Chicago. Neal was nervous, but seemed to be complacent for now. Killian dialed a number, knowing he wasn't fully prepared to answer all the questions he might be asked.

"Hello?" The voice on the other end spoke, confused by the daytime call.

"David. I can't explain over the phone, but can you meet me at the police station near the bar in fifteen minutes?"

"Uh, sure man. You'll explain when I get there, right?"

Killian looked at Neal, "I don't think I'll have to, but yes. And David? Don't tell Emma that I'm here. Please."

He heard the loud sigh on the other end, "Dude, this can't go on forever."

"I'm not-" Killian sighed, not wanting to get into an argument right now. "I'm only following what she asked and she's made it clear she doesn't want to talk to me even casually. Anyway, meet me in fifteen."

He ended the call, not wanting to talk about Emma and their charged and confusing relationship.

* * *

 He walked Neal into the police station, lingering behind him in case he decided to run. Killian had already arranged for a lawyer to meet them there, but they waited the few minutes it took for David to arrive.

As he walked in, David's confused face locked onto Neal's and dove for him, but Killian held him off, "You don't want to do that here, mate. Besides, I already took care of that for the both of us."

David straightened his shirt, his eyes never leaving Neal's, "You deprived me of the pleasure."

Nodding, Killian gestured at Neal, "He agreed to come back willingly, and I need you here to ensure he cooperates."

David finally looked at him, "Aren't you staying?"

"No, I have to get back to Chicago. Besides, they're going to want to bring Emma in for questioning, and I don't want her knowing about my involvement."

Rolling his eyes, David spoke, "You two sure do have a love of the dramatic. I don't understand why you can't just talk and be happy together."

"You know as well as anyone why - she'll make up her mind and let me know it someday I'm sure," he flashed a grin to his friend that belied his sadness and finally looked at Neal.

"You never deserved her, but she chose you and you threw it in her face because you were weak. But in this moment, you're doing an honorable thing. Thank you."

Neal looked at him, confused by the odd praise and backhanded compliment, but just nodded. "I won't tell Emma, if I see her. I'll keep the secret."

Killian nodded, and with a final hug from David, left to go back to Chicago; he hoped no one would ever find out he had been here.

* * *

 Killian barely made it back to his apartment with his eyes open when he saw something sitting in front of his door, squinting through the drowsiness to realize it was a package.

He opened the door and kicked it inside before picking it up and placing it on his kitchen island.

Dropping the rest of his bags where he stood and kicking off his shoes, he glanced at the address, but there was no return label. Only his name and address.

Frowning, he grabbed a knife and cut the tape; as he opened it, he saw two books and a bracelet laying there.

 _The Princess Bride_ and _V for Vendetta_ stared back up at him and with shaking hands he took them out, opening one, an old letter falling out. He knew it was the one he had written her for Christmas. The bracelet was there, too, and he swallowed the sharp pain he hadn't expected.

But there was a small object wrapped in paper, and though Killian was terrified of opening it, he did. The old pendant he had given her on Halloween hung on the silver chain and landed in his hands.

He hadn't expected this, but he wasn't entirely surprised.

_"Whatever you think of me, and of us, it's something you should still hold on to. Do you remember what he stands for?"_

_"Raphael, the patron saint of love," she whispered._

She had remembered, and in this package he had his answer. His hands clenched around the necklace and he put it in a drawer before leaving the rest on the island and crawling into bed.

Killian called her one last time, and again got her voicemail, but this time the message he left was short, "Goodbye, Emma. I understand."

He couldn't bring himself to say anymore, as exhausted - mentally, emotionally, and physically - as he was. Nearly eight months later, she had made her final choice and it was one that he had never been truly prepared for.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: You didn't really think I'd let Neal get away with it, did you? ^^ Sorry this was a little late, but I still got it out today (my time)! Just got super busy today with work and personal things. I had to do a bit of tweaking and editing with it before I felt it was up to par. Next chapter is going to be loaded with Emma stuff, but this was heavy on Killian for obvious reasons. Someone asked before, but there will be a time jump at some point in the last few chapters. I won't say when because of spoilers, and there might even be more than one. Thank you to those who have reviewed, commented, and messaged me on tumblr about the story or just to express gratitude. I'm very humbled by those of you who have been here from the beginning and stuck it out, and those who have binged read it, just discovering it. I reply to all the reviews, but I can't message the guest reviewers - but know I appreciate you as well.


	26. The Fiancé

**Half of My Heart**

" _ **Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled. You've got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it."  
\- Ray Bradbury**_

_A year and a half later_

Emma rushed into the law library on campus, late to meet her study group; she threw her Starbucks cup into the trash and sped up the stairs to the study carousel. When she landed on the fourth floor, she pulled herself up and straightened her hair and bag, taking deep breaths.

She pulled the door open, "Hey guys, really sorry I'm late. Where are we?"

The group of aspiring lawyers greeted her with smiles and one spoke, "It's fine, Emma. We're just going over the Branson v Smith case."

"Alright, got it," Emma pulled her notebook and the legal brief when she noticed her phone screen light up. It was on silent, but she pulled it out anyway to check the text.

_You're coming to dinner tonight, right? We miss you._

Emma sighed and it drew some confused looks from her fellow students.

_Yeah of course I'll be there. You know I wouldn't miss it. And I'm sorry, I've just been really busy this week._

It was a lie, of course, and Mary Margaret knew it; she let Emma get away with it anyway because she was a friend Emma didn't deserve.

She shook her head, smiling; her best friends were getting married this weekend after so many years. She was exhilarated, but knew it wouldn't be all smiles.

* * *

 Mary Margaret dropped her phone on the table with a loud sigh, "She _says_ she'll be there at the restaurant tonight."

"Mmm, I don't think she'd miss this, you worry too much," David kissed her head as he got up to take the dishes back.

"I just worry, they haven't even _spoken_ to each other in nearly two years. That's extreme, even for Emma."

David shrugged, "They've both moved on, Emma's happy where she is and you know Killian is, too."

Scowling, she threw a towel at her fiancé, "Stop acting like you're okay with this! Just because they date other people doesn't mean they're _okay."_

After much pushing and prodding from her friends, Emma had agreed to visit a therapist to deal with her issues of abandonment and trust - and stubbornness, if they were being honest. It was an ongoing process, but since then she hadn't worried her friends too much, but the first year of law school had been a bit rockier than any of them had expected - especially on her social life. It had given Emma a reason to retreat and dig deep into her studies, ignoring everything else. But gradually she had returned to life, started dating - though it was infrequent - and showed no signs of remorse over how she had left things with Killian.

Even so, Mary Margaret caught her face sometimes after a date and thought she looked sad for a brief moment as she closed the door. Although truth be told, it was better than to either David or Mary Margaret had expected; after all they just wanted her to be happy and she certainly seemed to be.

Killian had been in town to visit until the wedding, as a best man should; he seemed fresh and happy, Chicago seemed to suit him - sometimes literally, as he was definitely the front runner for best dressed in Boston lately. And that certainly explained why Emma seemed to have been actively avoiding them for the past week.

"She's a lot better now, Mary Margaret. I won't say she's ready, but she's stronger than she knows. Emma will be fine, and Killian - well, you know."

* * *

 Emma sat on the couch and stared at her therapist, resisting the urge to bite her fingernails in anxiety. She had just come from her study group which, while it was a good distraction, didn't do much to quell her unease about tonight's dinner.

"So Mary Margaret and David are getting married in a day or two, correct?" Her therapist asked quietly, breaking the prolonged silence since she didn't seem to be.

She nodded and finally looked up at the concerned doctor.

"You seem anxious, just start talking about what's on your mind and it'll ease up I promise," her voice was soft and after a year and a half Emma was soothed by it. She was a little alarmed that she was having this much trouble bringing up what was truly troubling her, especially after they had already talked about and through it numerous times.

"It's just-" Emma took a deep breath and set her hands in her lap. "Killian is going to be there, and I've been avoiding him all week. I don't know how to see him after all I did to him."

"What did you do to him, Emma?"

She should have known that this question was coming, but still frowned as she thought about how to answer. "I was cruel. I didn't know how to deal with the enormity of my feelings; he's too good for me, and I knew it and pushed him away. He didn't - doesn't - deserve to deal with me and my issues."

Her therapist waited for a while, letting Emma decide if she would continue her explanation, before speaking, "Emma, I think it was up to Killian to decide what he could and wanted to deal with. From what we've spoken of before, he had always made his decision quite clear - but you took that away from him. What you did was a very human act; it was a defense mechanism out of fear."

Emma teared up as she listened, "You carry your guilt like a weight upon your shoulders. It's preventing you from facing him, and in turn your friends. You've created a distance between yourself and them - all of them - because of that guilt."

"But I haven't spoken to him in so long - what if he hates me? I wouldn't blame him at all," Emma spoke quietly, her fear palpable and her tears spilled over as she confessed her worry.

Her therapist smiled, "I think you'll find that a human's capacity for forgiveness and compassion far outweigh the strength of their hate. Especially from someone who cared a great deal about you. But you need to forgive yourself, you've made great strides in accepting yourself and dealing with your fears - let this be another thing you can let go of."

Her hair fell in her face as she looked down at her lap and brushed her tears away with her hands. Before starting these sessions, she had hardly ever cried - but now it seemed like a regular occurrence. But it was healthier than having her anger spill out on everyone else.

"I miss him," she said quietly.

"I know."

* * *

 The three of them waited outside the restaurant for Emma to arrive, dressed in casual clothes since they would be in more formal attire for a few days. Killian joked that nothing would prepare David for the choking hazard that was a tie on his wedding day.

"What would you know about weddings, eh? David elbowed him, and Killian just shook his head.

"Just what I hear, is all," Killian looked over at Mary Margaret and jerked his jaw in David's direction. "Hey, you worried about him making a run for it? I can chain him to me while we're at the altar if you want."

Before Mary Margaret had a chance to yell at him for jinxing her almost-marriage, a voice spoke through the cold wintery night, "Fairly certain even death wouldn't stop him from getting married to her."

They turned to see Emma strolling up, her book bag still slung around her body and Killian thought that absolutely nothing had changed from the first time he had followed her around the library. Still with her guarded but quizzical expression, doing everything to avoid his face.

David broke the silence, "Well now that the morbid one has arrived, let's eat!" Emma glared at him and flicked her eyes over at Killian, who just held the door open and watched her curiously.

He didn't know what to expect after almost two years, David and Mary Margaret didn't censor her from their conversations with him, but didn't talk much about her either. He knew she was doing well and was always busy - but Emma Swan was always really busy when it came to school work. Killian had always admired her drive. His fingers twitched when she walked by him, the smell of her hair hitting him even in the cool winter air.

They settled down at their table with Emma across from him and he broke the silence first, "So, why no plans for a bachelorette party?"

Mary Margaret snorted, "Not my thing, _and_ if I had wanted one I would've had to find another maid of honor because this girl over here can barely spend two hours with her _best friends."_

She smiled at Emma, and though Emma knew she was joking it still made her feel guilty. She really had thrown herself into her studies - as expected at Harvard Law - and she had almost forgotten what it was like to have a social outing that wasn't a date. And even those were incredibly rare.

"Yeah, but she finds time for those hunky law school men," David chirped merrily. Emma chanced a look at Killian, who was seemingly unphased - as if he had known ahead of time.

"Well, I don't know if _hunky_ would be the word for it, but you're the ones who encouraged it so you can't complain when I follow through." She waved her finger at them, trying her best to be at ease with the awkward situation.

They were in the middle of their meal when Mary Margaret asked, seemingly innocently, "Where's Milah anyway, Killian?"

Killian's fork froze midair, but he recovered quickly, "Ah, she was a bit too busy with work. Besides, I didn't think it was the best idea for her to join me." His eyes were somber as he smiled at Mary Margaret, who knew all too well what she was doing.

Emma mulled on this for a few minutes as the conversation shifted away easily; she didn't know how to act around Killian after everything that had happened - that she had done. She had pushed him to where he was now, made it clear where they stood; but time had healed her just as much as her renewed purpose with school.

Her fingers glided over the rim of the glass and she looked up to catch him staring at her, face emotionless. He was trying to figure her out; Emma knew that look - it was something she had grown accustomed to in their undergraduate years.

She was well on her way to having everything she ever wanted - good friends, a family really, a law degree where she could do some real good in the world, and an internship that brought her hope for her future.

But there was always a lingering feeling, something she hadn't understood for a long time, but she recognized it the first time she had gone out with someone who wasn't Neal. Smiling mirthlessly, she had realized Killian had never been able to take her out on a real date.

That wasn't what she finally understood, however. As she had walked back inside her room after the date, she realized that what she wanted had been Killian. Maybe they never got the timing right, maybe they never would, but as she looked at him right then she just knew. And was ashamed of it - of her actions.

"Who's Milah?" She blurted out, interrupting the conversation they had been having. Emma didn't even blush, she just stared at him.

Killian cleared his throat and spoke clearly, "Milah is my girlfriend, we've been dating for a few months now. I didn't think it was appropriate to bring her to the wedding."

David, who had thus far been quiet, spoke up, "You know she would've been welcome here."

"Yes, but I wasn't ready," he shrugged nonchalantly when really his heart was beating quicker. Emma hadn't taken her eyes off him and he didn't know what to make of it, but she rarely stared at anything with such intensity and it threatened to undo the calm he was feeling.

They finished their meal in relative silence and as Killian left them, he kissed Mary Margaret's cheek goodbye. He hovered near Emma, not knowing what she would accept from him anymore, but she surprised him and walked up to give him a hug. His arms, after a moment of shock, went around her body and hugged her tightly to him. She pressed her face into his neck and then pushed away.

They stood there for a few minutes, saying more than they could say with words then. Finally, Emma pushed away from him, smiling softly.

"See you tomorrow," was all she said as she left him to walk back to her car.

* * *

 Emma shuffled around to make sure Mary Margaret's train and dress were properly positioned, but Mary Margaret had a different idea. She turned and grabbed Emma's hands and pulled her in front of her.

Her Maid of Honor was gorgeous all the time, but especially exquisite today in the blue dress and crown braids; Mary Margaret sighed - she had talked to David almost all night about this and still wasn't sure if interfering was the thing to do.

"Emma, I know this is my wedding and I'm supposed to be only thinking about David," Emma watched her friend, suddenly wary.

Mary Margaret took a deep breath, "But you need to talk to Killian. Now, before he leaves; this can't go on between you two, you're both so important to David and I. The cold war must be stopped."

Emma let her hands fall away from Mary Margaret's and walked over to the window of the church, "It's too late for what I want."

She turned around and Mary Margaret saw tears threatening to spill out, "How am I supposed to face him after all I did to him? It's easier this way, to just keep it…simple."

"Oh Emma, you've always made things like this so complicated when really they _are_ very simple. You deserve so much, and all he's ever wanted was you. David was one of the first to see it, and I see your face when you come home from every random date you've been on since he left."

She walked over softly, placing her hands along Emma's face, "All you have to do is say the word and he'll be there. That boy is whipped when it comes to you."

Emma laughed, knowing he would probably agree with that assessment; she had never been worthy of it, though. Didn't know what she had done to deserve his dedication; she was crabby, closed off, almost detrimentally focused on her school and future career.

"Come on, I'm ready to walk down the aisle and you have to go first, so shoo."

As she walked to the door, Mary Margaret took her arm, "He found Neal. He's the reason Neal came back and went to jail. He never wanted you to know, but you should now."

Emma stood stock still as Mary Margaret walked past her as if she hadn't just dropped a bomb. Emma didn't know whether to be elated or miffed that she had been kept in the dark for so long. Neal was long past her memory, but since he'd been locked away she had known some measure of peace that he got what he deserved.

She walked in front of the large doors that led to the altar and saw Killian standing there waiting for her with a black Armani suit and a stylish skinny tie. He smiled at her and she felt her heart stutter, "You look beautiful, Emma."

Mary Margaret cleared her throat and he grinned at her, "Of course, none more beautiful than the bride." He kissed her hand and then handed Emma's bouquet to her before offering his arm.

Emma took it hesitantly, but it felt so natural to be by his side that she felt her unease melt away. She had missed him.

The strings started up the soft melody, and the doors opened; Killian strode confidently down the aisle, but as he looked over at Emma he saw slight panic in her eyes. As they reached the altar and parted, he whispered in her ear, "You'll be fine, just breathe and focus on them."

She blushed that he could still read her so well and nodded, turning to take her place across from him.

The melody changed and the doors opened, Mary Margaret walking down the aisle, her eyes locked onto David. Whatever words of wisdom she had imparted onto Emma, whatever the situation was with them, this moment was all about David.

They had written their own vows, to neither Killian nor Emma's surprise; and their words brought tears to Emma's eyes. She wanted this, she felt it fervently in her body; the words didn't affect her as much as the force behind them, the love and dedication.

Emma swiped at her eyes, hoping it wasn't obvious, but she caught Killian smiling at her and he just nodded at her, comforting her even now. She still didn't know what she should do, but she could get through this day at the very least.

* * *

 The reception was beautiful, lights glittering across the glass roof; Mary Margaret had always loved the winter time and it had been important to her to be married with snow on the ground.

The toasts were done and the guests were dancing to the not-too-terrible DJ; David had elected _not_ to go with the karaoke machine, much to Mary Margaret's delight. Emma had to agree with her, that would've been a bit too much - even if it had good memories along with it.

"I think the Maid of Honor and Best Man are supposed to dance at least once tonight," Killian walked up to stand beside her and she jumped a bit in surprise before sending him a small smile.

"Well I suppose that is tradition," Emma said, but she just stood there and watched the dancers.

He shook his head, "Still as stubborn as ever I see." She grinned and he returned it before holding out his hand, "Will you do me the honor of this dance?"

Emma nodded, but warned him, "I probably am only capable of swaying, mind you."

"Just let me lead and you'll be fine, I promise." Killian walked her to the dance floor and she knew she was in good hands; that's what troubled her so much.

Killian wasn't joking, he guided her beautifully despite her lack of skill; she only stepped on his toes a few times, but he had just laughed. The song shifted into something softer, slower, and she saw Mary Margaret leave the DJ's stage and eyed her suspiciously.

Killian slowed them down and just wrapped his arm around her waist and they moved slowly as she listened to the song. It was one she was familiar with, and it made her tighten her grip on Killian's arm unexpectedly.

_They say that home is where the heart is_

_I guess I haven't found my home_

_And we keep driving round in circles_

_Afraid to call this place our own_

He pulled her a little closer and looked at her, Emma tilting her head to meet his stare; she smiled, but it was bittersweet. Killian opened his mouth to say something, and Emma - terrified - beat him to it.

"So how long have you been with Milah?"

He was taken aback, the moment gone, "Just a few months like I said."

"How'd you meet, what's she like?" Emma kept asking questions to avoid the song that plucked at her emotions in all the wrong ways.

_They say you're really not somebody_

_Until somebody else loves you_

_Well, I am waiting to make somebody_

_Somebody soon_

"She works for a hotel we were designing, I met her during one of the company meetings. She's nice, driven like you. Milah is…what I needed." He broke her stare as he said it, knowing it would hurt her; but he couldn't deny the truth. She didn't know how to maneuver around him since she so firmly cut herself away from him. He understood, and was trying to make it as easy as possible by staying nonchalant.

Emma just gulped and nodded, she saw that he was happy - he had a glint in his eyes as he answered her questions.

_And it won't be too much_

_'Cause this is too much_

_'Cause this is too much for me to hold_

_This is too much for me to hold_

_And are we there yet?_

_And are we there yet?_

Instead of speaking anymore, she moved closer to him and rested her head against his chest and she felt his arms go around her. She felt most at home with him and didn't know why she didn't realize it sooner. She laughed at herself, because of course Emma knew why - she was stubborn and broken and despite having the purest example of it living with her, didn't recognize love when she saw it.

The song ended and she pulled away from him, thanking him quietly before turning around and walking quickly out of the hall; her eyes were brimming with tears. When she made it outside, she was breathing heavily and her tears had started to fall.

"Emma?" Mary Margaret called softly and put her hand on Emma's bare shoulder, "What happened?"

"He's gone, I'm never getting him back. I told him I didn't want him, made it so clear, so why am I so devastated that he moved on?" Emma struggled and she looked up at the night sky, barely registering how cold it was even as her breath bloomed in front of her face.

Mary Margaret pulled her shawl tighter around her and spoke firmly, "Emma, you've always dodged the real conversations. This isn't what you want to hear, but you need to: you never fought for him the way he fought for you. He was in love with you for three and a half years, which would be enormously sad if you didn't know he didn't act on it because he was respectful of your relationship. He wanted you to see it for yourself, but when you didn't - he acted."

Emma laughed harshly, "If he wanted me to notice, shouldn't he notice my feelings now? That's hardly fair."

"Emma, you were so blinded by Neal that you couldn't see straight. He's done everything he could for you, but you never gave him an inch."

Emma realized Mary Margaret didn't know just how close she had come to throwing away her relationship with Neal and absconding with Killian. She had been reckless, but even now her blood pumped faster and hotter in her body as she remembered the quiet words whispered in the dark of night.

The next day was the first time she had broken his heart, but it wouldn't be her last. No wonder he chose not to see what she felt anymore.

She had always run from him, from herself.

Emma drew herself up and hugged Mary Margaret, "I'm sorry I brought my drama into your beautiful wedding reception. I'm so happy for you."

Mary Margaret smacked her shoulder lightly, "This has been a long time coming, and weddings tend to bring out the big emotions. David and I had already talked about this possibility. We're just glad it didn't end in one or both of you throwing things." She winked and linked arms with Emma as they walked back in.

"You had the DJ play that song, didn't you?" Emma asked, unable to stop herself.

Mary Margaret had a twinkle in her eye, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

Shaking her head, Emma looked around for Killian before finding him sitting at a table, holding his phone. She went over and took a seat next to him.

"So…sorry for the dramatics. It's just a lot to take in, you know?" He smiled at her and it encouraged her to keep talking, "Mary Margaret says it's just because wedding emotions run so high."

"She is pretty wise, she'll make a great mother someday," Killian spoke almost wistfully.

Emma tugged at a loose piece of hair that framed her face, "Well, I have to leave. Early morning study session, you know me. I just wanted to say goodbye, and that it was good to see you."

Killian watched her and debated for a moment before tucking her hair back behind her ears and brushing his fingers against her face, "Always a pleasure, Emma Swan. Don't be a stranger."

She nodded and left quickly, and all Killian could do was watch her; he had thought that accepting her choice would make it easier to move on, but barely three hours in her presence and he was right back where he started.

Emma Swan was it for him.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Alright boys and girls, next chapter is the one. I decided to add a few things to it, and I was debating on whether or not to split it up like I had originally intended...but I think we've all waited long enough, yeah? Then there's the epilogue. I'm very excited to have you all read the rest of the story. We're nearly there, you guys. The song is "Are We There Yet?" By Ingrid Michaelson. I love it, and it was just bittersweet enough to hit the right tone with Emma and Killian. Don't forget I have a playlist for this story that has served as inspiration since chapter 1. If you search "Half of my Heart" on Spotify, you will find it under caishakalianah. There's also a link on my tumblr, also caishakalianah. Enjoy.


	27. The Leap of Faith

**Half of My Heart**

" _ **People have forgotten this truth," the fox said. "But you mustn't forget it. You become responsible forever for what you've tamed. You're responsible for your rose."  
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry**_

Finally back in Chicago after saying goodbye to Mary Margaret and David, who were on their way to the Mediterranean, Killian called Milah.

"Killian," her voice was smooth with a slight accent. "Good to hear from you, how was your flight?"

"It was good, do you mind if I come over tonight?" Killian tried to keep his voice calm, but he had never really done this and was nervous.

Milah laughed, "Of course, you're always welcome. Just ring when you're at the door."

Ending the call, Killian shifted his bag to the other shoulder and walked over to the parking lot where his car was waiting. He truly had no idea what to say to her, that he was still in love with someone who had crushed his heart and shown emphatically that she wasn't capable of loving him enough to be with him? That he was still in love with someone after nearly six years of pining?

Maybe she would think it was sweet in a selfless way, but more likely there would be crying and yelling. And he would deserve it - he had fooled himself into thinking he could move on with his life after a year and a half. And he had made her the unwilling rebound.

He fiddled with his car keys and finally unlocked and climbed into the car. He had kept the one he used in college, not because it was a particularly good car, but he was sentimental. This was the last place he had felt that Emma had wanted to be with him - before Neal crushed the world she had built so painstakingly.

Killian pulled into the parking garage of Milah's building and took a deep breath as he walked to the elevators and swiped his key card. He wasn't sure how he would get back down here after he inevitably returned it to her, but there were more important things to worry about right now.

Like making sure Milah knew this had nothing to do with her.

He knocked on the door and almost immediately she opened it and greeted him with a big grin and leaned in to kiss him briefly on the lips. He held back from stiffening, but when she pulled back she saw what was written on his face and waved for him to come inside.

"So, what's wrong?"

Killian laughed softly, it didn't surprise him that Milah had just come out and ask it. It's why he had been drawn to her, she was very direct and clear cut. With Emma it had been a constant push and pull and she made his mind foggy with want until he couldn't see straight. It was nice to not have to wonder what each day would bring, he supposed.

"I've never really done this, Milah, but we can't see each other anymore. Not romantically - it isn't fair to you."

She sighed heavily, "Who is she?" Killian blinked, surprised, and she laughed harshly, "Probably an old flame you met at the wedding, yeah?"

Killian scratched his neck, "Essentially yes, but it's…with her, it's so much…more. And because I _do_ respect you, I can't put you through being the second choice. I've been there and it's not a place anyone deserves to be."

There was nothing but silence for a few minutes and Killian barely moved even though he was still nervous, but he knew she would appreciate the honesty.

"You're a true gentleman, Killian Jones."

He laughs awkwardly, "You should've seen me in college."

Milah smiled, a bittersweet look on her face, "Something tells me you've always been a gentleman, you just…were avoiding something."

Killian looked away from her knowing gaze and acquiesced silently. "I should go, I'm sorry for everything."

"Hey, it's not your fault really - we can't choose who we love. I'll just cry it out with my friends and move on," she said, trying hard to hide her hurt. But Killian understood.

He left, and before he went he kissed her cheek in another silent apology. She deserved more than what he could give.

* * *

 After the wedding, Killian threw himself into his work; Emma had called after the wedding, but only talked briefly - just enough to let him know that she was comfortable with conversations with him. He craved constant contact with her, but knew the last thing she needed in her last year of law school was to deal with the complexities of their would-be relationship.

Still, his heart beat faster when he saw her name flash on his phone and when he heard her voice. It wasn't often, perhaps once every few weeks, but it was like water to a dying man in the desert. They wouldn't talk about anything personal, kept it strictly to things about their friends and her school, his work. She spoke excitedly of her internship possibilities, and felt his stomach drop when she said she was most likely staying in Boston for the foreseeable future.

Killian felt foolish for it, because he had never brought up the possibility of her coming here - that she would be welcomed with open arms. He never spoke of Milah, she never spoke of anyone she might be dating. They kept it light, but it was everything to each of them.

He had felt some hope at the wedding, but wasn't sure what that hope meant - and was scared to ask. It was cowardly and unlike him, but he gave more space to her - something he had done so much of it was second nature.

In between these fleeting conversations, he had stayed busy with project after project, for over a year. He barely had a social life outside of his coworkers, which was fine by him for now.

It was April when the phone rang as he was making dinner and he answered it absentmindedly, "Hello?"

"Hey Killian," David spoke quietly, "How do you feel about a trip back home?" He didn't waste any time with small talk, and the question baffled him.

He laughed loudly, "What, the honeymoon period is over already and you need a night away from the missus?"

David grumbled, "No, look - I know things aren't totally back to the way they used to be, but Emma was chosen to speak at her graduation and it's a big deal. She'd never say it and I'm sure is scared to ask, but she would want you there."

Killian's heart beat a little faster at the sound of her name and the thought of seeing her again. The idea that David knew Emma wanted him there made him think that maybe things had changed, and he knew Emma well enough to know she would hardly ever make the initial step; she had always been bad at taking leaps of faith.

"Killian?" David's voice broke him out of his reverie.

"Sorry, got distracted. Do you know the dates? I would probably need to take time off work."

David was concerned about the hesitant tone, but understood. The two of them would never get together without some pushing. He gave Killian the dates and though Killian didn't tell him if he would go one way or the other, David was happy.

After the conversation had ended, Killian walked over to his computer and immediately booked a flight for the weekend a month away and thought that at least he had awhile to prepare himself. He didn't speak of it to Emma and she never brought it up, just as David suspected.

* * *

 Emma was fidgeting in her gown while Mary Margaret arranged her cap on her head in a way that didn't mess with her hair and somehow made her look stylish. It wasn't that Emma cared much, but her friend seemed to think it was important.

She twisted the paper her speech was written on in her hand, "Emma you should stop that before you rub the words away. Besides, you already know it by heart anyway."

"I know, I'm just nervous - you know I don't really like speaking in front of crowds, and these are my judgy peers out there."

Mary Margaret laughed and gave Emma a look, "You'll be fine, they wanted _you_ to speak. They'll love you."

She seemed to be debating something, and Emma was curious what she could be so torn about. "What is it?"

"Well, I don't want you to be mad - or make you upset," Mary Margaret eyed her like she would bolt at any moment. "You've grown so much and healed, so maybe-"

"What is it, Mary Margaret?" Emma whispered softly, suddenly scared.

Taking a deep breath, she answered, "David called Killian and asked him if he would come, a month ago."

Emma's heart beat rapidly as she heard his name. He was the one thing, the one roadblock, Emma couldn't quite get over in therapy. She had spent so much time blaming him for everything that she no longer felt worthy of asking him anything. A feeling of gratefulness washed over her - that David had thought to ask for her.

When Emma said nothing, Mary Margaret went on, "He's not coming, Emma. David called him earlier, said he got held up on a big project." Her best friend watched her cautiously, hoping she would be okay; Mary Margaret didn't know why she was telling her right before she got on stage, but she couldn't hold it in any longer.

Emma's heart broke a little bit at the idea that Killian might not want to see her anymore, despite their infrequent conversations; she had thought they were slowly becoming friends again. She could hardly blame him after everything, and with Milah…it was for the best that he had moved on.

Emma nodded silently and the usher came to seat Mary Margaret in the reserved seating that was meant for Emma's family - but her family was David and Mary Margaret, bonds forged by time and kindness. Mary Margaret gave her a kiss on the cheek, squeezing her hand for solidarity and comfort as she left.

She stepped up onto the stage and took her place at the end where she waited for the other professors and the dean to join her. Trying not to fidget, she opened the paper her speech was written on, nervous about her motivations in writing it - hoping it made sense to the classmates who were listening and currently staring at her.

A few of her study group members grinned and waved at her as she scanned the rows and she waved back happily. It had been a long and trying three years, but she had accomplished what she wanted - she had multiple offers across the United States, but knew she would never leave Boston. And she had grown - Emma was less afraid, her wounds had healed for the most part and she no longer winced when she was on the dates Mary Margaret insisted upon, though her mind was always on one man in particular.

Killian Jones. She sighed, but her thoughts never drifted far because the professors were walking on stage; she smiled at them, grateful for their teaching but also exhausted by it. She supposed she had expected nothing less from Harvard, but that didn't make the process any easier.

She listened to the introduction, the Dean speaking of the proud tradition of bright legal minds and scholars, and she knew she was about to be introduced herself when she spotted a side door opening and a man entered.

Emma gulped down a gasp as she saw Killian shuffle against the wall, not wanting to disrupt the people in their seats. His hair was slightly tousled as it usually was, and Emma found herself wanting to run her hands through it as she had so long ago.

She barely heard her name called, her heart fluttering and her mind racing as she shook the Dean's hand and walked to the podium.

She looked out at the waiting crowd and stared at Killian who returned it before nodding encouragingly; smiling, she unfurled her speech and spread it against the podium.

"I think we can all say that the past three years have exhausted us beyond measure," the crowd laughed quietly. "Long nights studying at cafes and libraries, and when we were kicked out of those we would huddle in someone's living room, coffee the only thing to sustain us."

She smiled at some of the memories she had made, and told a few stories about some of the professors who laughed good naturedly, Emma shared some of the memories and times that bonded them together.

When she got towards the end, she looked back at Killian who was radiating with pride, "And there's something that took me a long time to learn: no matter in what direction we go, may we always move towards it with all of our heart. And though we may aspire to new heights, we should always remember that steel is tempered with hot fire and is stronger for it.

"We might feel weak and lost at times, but the steel underneath will always strengthen you."

She ended with an oft-read quote from the reverent Langdell Reading Room, "Iuris praecepta sunt haec honeste vivere alterum non laedere suum cuique tribuere. The precepts of the law are these: To live honorably, not to injure another, to give each his due. Congratulations, class of 2015! And thank you."

Her classmates all stood as they clapped and Emma blushed to a beet red; the only person who mattered in that moment was staring at her intensely as he clapped. She wondered why she had been told he wasn't coming, but caught David and Mary Margaret grinning from ear to ear and knew. Meddlers!

As soon as the ceremony was finished, she rushed to where Killian was standing, pushing her way through the crowd before she finally stood in front of him.

"Hi," she said, feeling a little lame. She didn't know whether to hug him or keep her arms to herself. He made the decision for her and wrapped her in his arms; she grasped him tightly, overwhelmed by the comfort of his embrace. She had missed this, and as he pulled away Emma felt his absence sharply.

He smiled, "I'm proud of you, Swan. This was everything you wanted, now you get to go save the world."

His words weren't loaded with anything but pride, but Emma froze and without any thought of the consequences said, "It's not all I wanted."

She looked away, not having the courage to watch him process what she meant. Killian looked at her intently, trying not to hope for too much.

"What else could you possibly want, Swan?" He oftentimes would call her that to distance himself or show displeasure, but this time it was softer - as if he knew calling her Emma would be her undoing in that moment.

"Do you…do you want to go somewhere to talk? I think it's time. I'm sure David and Mary Margaret wouldn't mind."

"Alright," he exhaled sharply at the thought of being alone with her. His mind was racing, Killian had never expected they would be here again - talking about being…together.

He watched her run to catch her two best friends and told them what was going on; they seemed to be ecstatic that the two idiots were finally going to talk openly. Emma glared at David, "Don't think I don't know that you're the cause of all this."

He held up his hands innocently, "Maybe I did and maybe I didn't, but it looks like it's working out just as planned so you really shouldn't complain."

David winked at her as she turned to meet Killian at the entrance; they agreed that her apartment was probably the best - needing seclusion more than anything, even if it might be too intimate. As she drove, he was quiet - pensive almost - but she saw the way his hands twisted with nerves which was almost as obvious as the way her left leg bounced for the same reason.

As they walked into her apartment he looked around, "This is very you, Emma. Do you like it here?"

"It could be bigger, but it's home - and I love Boston. I'm probably accepting a job at a local firm here, like I told you; I have a few weeks to make my final decision, though. How's your latest project?"

Killian smiled brightly, "It's amazing, the firm is run by real architects and not businessmen who only care about cutting costs so it really gives me free reign and you know how much I like that. I don't think I told you, but I get to run my first solo project next month which is almost unheard of for someone so young."

She sensed him hesitate, "Despite the reasons for going there over staying here, I couldn't be happier."

"And…what was her name, Milah? How is she?" Emma asked, trying to keep her tone light and he laughed. She had always avoided asking him about her and his personal life, afraid she wouldn't be able to deal with it; but she had to know, before they started talking.

"I broke up with her right after the wedding, to be honest." Killian saw her eyebrows raise in surprise, "Seeing you there at the wedding, well, you know how I feel about you. I realized that hadn't changed and it wasn't…fair to be with anyone else while my heart belonged to you."

Emma sucked in a ragged breath, the hope that had bloomed from his presence at the ceremony burst and washed over her. "I never thought - after all I did to you- Why didn't you say something? I was too scared to ask, I didn't deserve to know about your personal life."

Laughing, his voice quaked with the weight of his answer, "I was trying to give you space, I'm always trying to get you space - I'm a mess over you, Emma Swan. Always have been, and probably always will be." Killian almost hated the desperate words despite their truth.

She finally lowered herself to sit on the couch, lamenting at so much wasted time, because she had been too scared that she was unworthy. Killian sat next to her, facing her body, his leg bent in front of him on the cushion - putting some space in between thm and allowing him to watch the emotions on her face.

Emma stared into the open space, not able to bring herself to look at him; there were tears in her eyes and Killian almost reached out to grab her hand, but stopped himself.

"I always needed time - so much time, and you gave and gave," she looked at him finally, her eyes shining, reflecting the light, and Killian ached at her pain - he knew that pain, the deep ache that sat in your heart and would never go away.

Watching him, she spoke finally, "But I'm who I always wanted to be now." Emma saw him encouraging her to continue and took a deep breath, "I realized, though, that I would never be happy without you; because I love you."

Barely giving him enough time to process her words, she grabbed one of his hands that was shaking and rubbed it comfortingly, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you enough, I'm sorry I let an asshole wreck me for months and even years." Her tears came faster now, sobs interrupting some of her words and Killian came closer, framing her face with his hands, forcing her to look at him.

She searched his eyes and spoke fervently, her voice quivering, "I'm sorry I made you think I didn't want you, I was scared because I thought you meant more to me than my future at times. I didn't want to lose myself again the way I did with _him._ But I love you, Killian Jones."

He moved his hands from her face and watched her intently, her tears subsiding slightly. Several minutes passed in loaded silence and she finally dropped his hand, but the lack of contact seemed to jolt him back to the present because he dipped down to kiss her. She responded immediately, and his hands resumed their position, holding her face as his lips moved against hers, her lips and cheeks slightly wet from her tears.

She put her hands on his chest and felt the rapid heartbeat and grinned against his mouth; he pulled away slowly and it made her ache at the distance. But he just moved his body closer, his forehead and nose touching against hers and he spoke softly.

"I would go to the ends of the earth for you, Emma Swan," he didn't feel the need to say anything else; they had spent years going back and forth about why they weren't together, why she ran, why they never talked and had pulled away from each other. Killian was tired of it, all he wanted was to be with her and he felt her strength resonating from her face and smile.

Emma she sighed happily at his words and knew that anything was worth keeping him by her side. Her anxious mind quieted as they sat there, breathing each other in as he pulled her close, keeping his arms wrapped around her in a tight hug.

"So what now?" He asked, and she giggled - a sound he hadn't heard in so long.

"Is it too cheesy to say I just want you to hold me and talk forever? We've missed so much of each other's lives the past few years. I want to know everything."

He saw her earnest look and smiled, pulling her closer and she tucked her feet to her side as she leaned her head on his shoulder. Emma listened to him talk for so long about the buildings and rooms he had been a part of designing, asking questions as he went. He had always been so passionate about drawing and designing, Emma had loved it about him; she saw her passion mirrored in him, even though it was a completely different area.

Killian twirled her hair around his fingers as he asked her about Harvard.

"It was incredibly challenging, of course. I felt like I never slept the first year, as a 1L; and even during the summers I never got a break - because there was a constant battle for the best internships every year."

"And I bet you were top pick for most of them," he leaned down and kissed the top of her head and she felt the warmth of his pride soak into her.

"Well, some of them; I only needed one," Emma said cheekily.

They talked for hours, until Emma was drifting to sleep against his chest as he leaned against the armrest of the couch. He didn't want to disturb her, so he just kept running his fingers between her hair, holding her tightly against him.

Killian was so entranced by the feeling of her in his arms and content that he barely heard her whisper, "Is it too soon to ask you to move in with me?"

He froze and she made no move to pull away and look at him, scared about his possible reaction. It was absolutely insane to expect him to move in with her - move _cities_ for her when they _just_ got together; Emma knew it was something she wanted desperately.

Killian's arms rubbed against her back as he spoke, his voice wavering, "You want that? Truly?"

He was utterly surprised and she pulled back, sitting up to look at him; Emma hoped he could see that she was completely and utterly serious.

"Yes. We've waited so long, I just want you here - with me. We've been apart - I don't want to go through something long distance." She mumbled something about her being a sap and delivering cheesy lines and his eyes filled with mirth.

"Maybe a little, but it rings with truth," he laughed at her sudden sappiness. "You know, I'm supposed to be the romantic one of the two of us."

She slapped his chest, "Hey, I told you - I've grown!"

He pulled her in again for a long kiss and when they parted, her lips were red and skin flushed. "So, Boston huh?"

"Of course, it's home."

Killian nodded, but there was something in his demeanor that confused her. She let it go though, not wanting to ruin the moment and knowing he would tell her if there was something wrong.

"I would have to give at least a month's notice, but I'm sure I could find a job here. The firm that offered me before would probably welcome me with open arms," he talked practically as she nodded. "This is crazy, you know that right?"

She nodded vehemently and he smiled at her infectious happiness. "Of course they would welcome you, you're magnificent," and he grinned - couldn't stop grinning lately - at her sudden compliment and confidence.

A sudden shrill rang out and Killian winced, pulling out his phone, "Sorry, it's an alert - I'm on the red eye back to Chicago. I have work tomorrow."

"But it's Sunday tomorrow," she pouted and he kissed her nose.

"Life of an architect on a major project, you'll be just like me soon enough - buried in work." He stared at her and Emma was struck by the intensity in his eyes - the last few years, even though they had been good for her, would have been much better with him by her side. She should have trusted her heart more.

She wrapped her arms around his waist, "But at least we'll come home to each other, right?"

"Right." They sat there for a few more minutes, her head against his neck, his nose buried in her hair; each one seeking comfort, looking to prolong their time together after so much had been wasted.

* * *

 Emma drove him to the airport and he hugged her so tightly she could barely breathe. She welcomed it though; she felt as if he would never let her go and the safety and love that Emma had always craved she found in his arms.

Killian reluctantly pulled away, they had stayed there as long as they could; he kissed her hard, and she responded eagerly, taking pleasure in being allowed to kiss him without guilt. Emma would never get enough of him, she felt.

On her way home, she called Mary Margaret to let her know she would talk to them tomorrow. Emma knew they would overwhelm her with 'thank _gods'_ and 'TOLD YOU SO' and she just wanted to live in the Killian bubble for a few hours.

She made plans to see Mary Margaret in the morning for breakfast and drove the rest of the way home, smiling all the way.

* * *

 Mary Margaret, upon hearing the rapid decisions that had been made within the span of a few hours after graduation, sat in stunned silence.

Emma kept eating, trying to give her friend some time to process; it was not like Emma at all to move so quickly, and she was stunned that Killian had so readily agreed - but here they were. She had woken up to a text from him confirming he had arrived safely and asked him to call when he woke up.

She remembered how cute a drowsy morning Killian could be, and smiled wistfully.

"You just got together."

Mary Margaret finally spoke and Emma responded, "Yes."

"With Killian. And he's moving back to Boston."

"Well, in a month or so. He has to deal with work and secure a job here, but yes that's what we agreed to," she had thought Mary Margaret would've been over the moon about the news, but she seemed to be thinking hard about something.

Finally she spoke, "Emma, do you understand what you're asking him to do for you?"

Emma sat there and wondered what she was getting at. But then she thought about what he had brought to her life - the dedication, patience, the devotion he gave her. Study sessions that took away his precious time, just to spend a little more time with her. Months of waiting for her to figure her life out, rejection after heartbreaking rejection. Even with all that she had done, he still focused on making sure she had everything possible to heal - including tracking down Neal.

Years and years of waiting for her, breaking up with his girlfriend because he was so in love with her he couldn't bear the thought of being with anyone else when he loved her so.

And finally, Emma's face transformed as she realized what Mary Margaret was getting at. Her friend watched it hit and spoke, "There it is."

Emma grabbed her purse, "I have to go."

"What? Emma, don't do anything crazy." Mary Margaret just wanted Emma to think about things, not rush so much and mess everything up again; but Emma seemed determined and she hugged her friend and took off without another word.

Mary Margaret called David, concerned, "David, Emma just took off and I don't know where she's going."

"She's probably going to see Killian," he said with a great amount of confidence.

"How would you know that?"

David laughed, "Killian called me this morning and told me about their crazy plan to move in together. I suspect Emma realized something as she was talking to you."

Mary Margaret huffed that her husband was lording over the secret, but he wouldn't budge.

"I'm sure we'll find out soon enough, just be patient. Emma's all grown up now."

* * *

 Killian walked into the building where he worked and pushed the button for the elevators; it was incredibly quiet since it was the weekend, and it was one reason why he didn't mind coming in to work on them.

His day had started off miraculously - with a call from Emma, and he couldn't stop smiling as she chattered; he mostly listened, but she seemed happy enough to let him as he woke up slowly.

The smile wouldn't leave his face as he settled into his desk; he opened up his personal sketchbook and browsed to the pages he wanted, reviewing the designs and adjusting them somewhat. He hadn't felt inspired to work on a personal project in a long time, it was amazing what being secure in love could do for creative inspiration.

Eventually, he put it away and had to focus on the more pressing matter of completing the draft sketches for tomorrow's review meeting. As he worked, he thought about this firm and how he had wanted to work here for a long time; though he had been willing to stay in Boston for Emma, now Killian had a taste of it and it would be hard to give up.

He sighed, knowing it was for the best - their best friends were there, she grew up there, so of course she would want to stay there and work. Killian looked around and saw the proposal that had just been approved - one he had pitched to the partners a few months ago. It would've been the first time he had taken lead on any project and the pride he had felt could not be properly expressed.

Shaking his head, he went back to focusing on the task at hand.

He worked late into the evening, and as the lights went off on the floor he took the cue to pack up and go home. Killian felt restless, but knew he would need sleep for tomorrow. Flying on the red eye was tough if you could barely sleep due to being overwhelmed with emotion.

The elevator to his apartment opened and he stepped on, swiping his key card that would take him to the fifteenth floor.

As he walked out and turned towards his door he froze. Emma sat with her back against his apartment door and she was sleeping with her head against the frame. There were no bags around her, just an airplane ticket lying next to her.

He walked towards her as quietly as possible, but she woke up as if she could feel his presence. Emma looked up at him, "Hey, it's about time you showed up."

Killian cocked his head to the side, watching her quizzically, "How long have you been here?"

She checked her phone, "Like four hours I guess? This door frame is surprisingly comfortable."

"Why didn't you call me? I would've left early," Killian was still baffled that he was having a conversation in the hallway of his Chicago apartment with Emma Swan.

"It was supposed to be a surprise."

He shook his head and helped her up, kissing her lips gently in greeting, "It's good to see you so soon, if unexpected."

Emma blushed, not used to open affection - especially not from someone whose love poured out over her entire body. He opened the door and gestured inside, following her.

"Not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are you waiting outside my apartment for four hours to surprise me?"

Emma twisted her hands together and told him to sit down, which he did with a confused look on his face. Taking a deep breath, she finally spoke, "After you left, I was talking to Mary Margaret about the decision to move in together in Boston. She said it seemed really fast."

His face became guarded and he worried this was her backing out on what they had agreed on, that she was scared off by such commitment so soon. Emma ignored it, barreling through the next part.

"It made me think of everything you've ever done for me, you've been so supportive - in my career, my life, our almost-but-not-quite relationship," she started pacing in front of him and he just watched her, giving her time as always to work things out in her mind.

She kept glancing at him, "You are everything I could ever hope for, I love you. And I realized that in my eagerness I had been selfish."

Killian opened his mouth to refute that statement, but she held up a hand, "No, I was - don't defend me. I was being selfish again; I take and take and take from you, and I feel like you would let me - but I don't want a one sided relationship. I want to give, too."

Emma finally stopped pacing and stared at him, taking a deep breath, "That's why I decided to take the job offer from the Chicago firm. Your career and life are here, mine is just starting. I don't care where I am as long as I'm with you."

Overwhelmed, Killian stood up and they stared at each other until a smiled bloomed on his face; he radiated happiness and she gasped. He took the opportunity to lean down and kiss her again, leisurely - thanking her in lingering caresses of her face. She was right, he never would have asked her to move to Chicago, and the fact that she had chosen to of her own free will made his heart swell with love.

Emma ran her fingers through his hair and whispered against his lips, "I'm ready to be your Emma, the one you always saw and the one I was always afraid to be."

He brushed her nose with his, "You were always the Emma Swan I wanted, you were just more stubborn than most."

Emma laughed freely and Killian thought it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

**The End**

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: OH BOY. I don't even know what to say really. Don't forget there's an epilogue coming tomorrow. You'll like it. A lot. This story crept up out of a strong desire to write one with an over arching emotion - the agony of loving someone, but being split between believing/committing to it and the urge to run away. I hope I created a story that was worthy of that emotion and that, in the end, the story is complete. I owe my readers a lot. This isn't the most wildly popular Captain Swan fanfic, but it has a lot of loyal readers and the love for the story that you guys showed constantly made me smile. I'm very grateful for your support and understanding. 
> 
> Thank you, and please enjoy the epilogue tomorrow. My inbox will always be open here and on tumblr (caishakalianah).


	28. The Epilogue

**Half of My Heart**

" _ **Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps . . . perhaps . . . love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath."  
― L.M. Montgomery**_

Emma and her friends sat in the chairs laughing at stories of their relationship mishaps, and she found herself eager to share snippets of her past year with Killian. It had been perfect in almost every way, though they both worked obscene hours, they found that laying on both sides of their couch with legs wrapped around each other's worked well. Killian would work on his sketches - personal or for work - and Emma would read case briefs and testimonies. They seldom talked during these extra hours, but each one's presence soothed the other. The silence was comforting, rather than cold.

She blushed as they prodded her for details about what the "real" Killian was like, and the only thing that came to mind was "Perfect."

"See? She's so smitten it's almost boring," Ruby had flown in for the weekend and Emma found herself missing her odd, gun-toting friend.

Mary Margaret piped up, "Hey now, don't knock her. Our Emma has come a long way from where she started. What a mess you were!"

She elbowed Emma good naturedly, knowing that the time for the awkwardness of Emma's past was over.

Someone behind them cleared their throat, "Ladies, I believe it's my turn to speak with Miss Swan."

They turned and Emma would have noticed some of her friends' appreciative looks if she hadn't been so locked onto Killian.

She stood up and nearly leapt into his arms, pressing a hard kiss to his lips; when they broke free she turned around in his arms and gestured to the ladies, "You heard the man! I'll see you all tomorrow bright and early."

They shuffled out, some of them giggling, but Mary Margaret paused and gave Emma a kiss on the cheek. "I'm so proud of you two."

Killian just nodded and she left quietly.

Emma sighed, pressing her back against his chest, "Thank you. I love them all dearly, but I was at my social limit."

He smiled into her hair as he rested his chin on top of her head, "I know, I'm grateful you still haven't found your limit with me."

"Please," she scoffed and pulled away, moving to sit on one of the chairs. "If there was a limit with you, we would've met it a long time ago I think."

She gestured for him to sit and he reached down to pick up the wrapped box he had placed on the chair. Her eyes sparkled as he sat down, "I know we said no gifts, but I've never been good at following those particular instructions."

Killian handed her the small box wrapped in blue paper and Emma smile mischievously as she popped up to grab another gift wrapped box, placing it in his lap. "You're not the only one who is bad at following instructions."

He laughed and she told him to open his first. Opening it carefully, Killian laughed softly as he pulled out the frame, reading what was there.

"Do you remember it?" Emma seemed nervous, but as she saw his thumb brush across it he smiled.

"Of course I do."

She chewed her lip, "You don't think it's too cheesy, do you? I just- I remembered that particular one and it always stuck with me. Without your help I don't think I would've got into Harvard and might not even have been here with you."

He stared at the framed logic game in silence and she spoke again, clearly taking his silence as disappointment. "It was a stupid idea, I'm sorry - kind of lame of me."

"I love it." He finally spoke and his eyes as they looked at her had the look she had come to cherish over the past year. "I was just surprised you remembered and that you wanted to memorialize it."

She grabbed his hand, "Hey, despite what happened at the end, that semester set me on the path I'm on today. I'm here with you, in this beautiful ballroom, exchanging bride and groom gifts with the most wonderful man on the planet. Of course I want to memorialize that."

They sat there for a while, rubbing each other's hands, memories running through their minds.

Killian smiled, "You should open yours now."

Fingers slipped under the sides of the wrapping paper and Emma pulled it off to see a small square box. The last time she had seen something similar, she had finally noticed that Killian was on his knee, proposing. Nothing could shock her after that, she thought.

But when she opened the box, Emma found out just how wrong she was.

"Oh, Killian," she whispered as the necklace fell into her hands. She rubbed her fingers across the pendant that had signified so much of their push and pull relationship. "Raphael. This was your mothers'."

"I gave it to you a long time ago, and I have never regretted it. When you gave it back, I kept it in that box and hoped I would give it to you again someday."

He smiled ruefully, "I figured the day before our wedding was probably the best timing."

Emma looked up at him, slightly teary eyed and she leaned in to kiss him briefly, "Thank you." She huffed, "God, I can't believe I sent this back to you. I was such an idiot."

"Well I knew that all along," he said as he dodged her punch to his shoulder.

* * *

Emma was oddly calm as she stood in a wedding dress she had never expected to wear. It had never been something that she had focused on - a wedding, marriage, even a family. David and Mary Margaret were her family and that was all she had needed for the longest time.

Her hair was down, with just the sides pulled back in a simple clasp; the wedding dress was a simple cream off the shoulder, with no frills. Despite the wild elegance of the wedding, Emma had just wanted simplicity in her role.

"You ready?" David walked up beside her with a soft look on his face. She had asked him to walk her down the aisle and Emma honestly thought he had been about to cry in that moment.

She straightened up and shifted her bouquet to her left hand, slipping her right arm around his.

The music which signaled her entrance hit their ears and the doors opened. Emma's world immediately shrunk to where Killian stood in his immaculately tailored tuxedo. He looked at her intensely, drinking her in to the point where Emma flushed and smiled at him.

She finally stood before him and turned to David who pressed a gentle kiss against her cheek and took his place next to Liam, Killian's best man.

Killian watched her walk in front of him and they barely heard the man speak as they watched each other with clasped hands. A throat cleared and they broke their trance, looking at him.

He smiled gently, "It's time for your vows."

Killian and Emma smiled at each other and recited words from Maya Angelou, each taking turns speaking the lines, the meaning behind them resonating with not just them, but everyone who knew how much it took to get them to this place.

_We, unaccustomed to courage_  
_exiles from delight_  
_live coiled in shells of loneliness_  
_until love leaves its high holy temple_  
_and comes into our sight_  
_to liberate us into life._  
_Love arrives_  
_and in its train come ecstasies_  
_old memories of pleasure_  
_ancient histories of pain._  
_Yet if we are bold,_  
_love strikes away the chains of fear_  
_from our souls._  
_We are weaned from our timidity_  
_In the flush of love's light_  
_we dare be brave_  
_And suddenly we see_  
_that love costs all we are_  
_and will ever be._  
_Yet it is only love_  
_which sets us free._ __  


Emma spoke the last lines softly, her eyes brimming; Maya Angelou spoke straight to her soul. Loving Killian, once she had opened herself to him completely, had set her free; every day she woke up next to him and took a few moments to realize what a marvel it was that they were there together.

They slipped their rings on to each other's fingers and the official spoke for all to hear, "By the power invested unto me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

She beamed up at him as Killian wrapped his arms around her and kissed her hard, reluctantly pulling away as they turned to all their friends and smiled at their cheering.

* * *

Mary Margaret, Liam, and David got to the reception before Emma and Killian, chattering away with utter awe.

"I honestly cannot believe they're finally here," Liam said. "I thought I was going to have to disown him until he got over his somewhat crippling sense of honor.

David laughed, "Well to be fair, most of it was Emma."

Liam just shrugged - as a brother, it was his duty to keep Killian humble and give him a hard time. However, he would get a pass on his wedding day; as was tradition.

Mary Margaret slapped David's chest, "They're coming!"

The chatter died down as Emma and Killian walked in, hands clasped together and smiles beaming. Anyone who watched them knew they were smitten with each other still, but not all of them knew how long it had taken for them to finally be on the same page.

Killian stepped on to the dance floor and spun around, bowing a little bit as he held out his hand, "I believe you owe me the first dance, Ms. Jones."

Emma placed her hand in his, allowing him to pull her onto the dance floor and wrap his arms around her. "Swan was a name I took for myself after being sent back by my adopted family, I wore it like a brand - it made me stronger. Jones is a name I chose out of love."

He nodded in silent understanding as their chosen song began.

_So many nights trying to hide it_  
_But now I stay awake just pleading for more_  
_To think this heart was divided  
_ _I'm losing sleep cause I can't ignore_

Their hands were clasped as his other was on her waist as Killian glided her around, eyes only for her in a perfect mirror of their dance as Maid of Honor and Best Man more than two years ago. It was that night that Emma knew with absolute certainty she had made one of the biggest mistakes of her life pushing him away, and the night that had sparked their tentative friendship once again.

_Find me, here in your arms_  
_Now I'm wondering where you've always been_  
_Blindly, I came to you  
_ _Knowing you'd breathe new life from within_

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mary Margaret leaning her head on David's shoulder, their hands tight around each other and faces beaming with pride.

Killian pulled her against him and slowed, his arms going around her waist; she wrapped hers around his neck and he leaned and sang the next words to her softly, just for her.

_You are the will that makes me strong_  
_Make me strong_  
_If ever I'm alone in this world I know I'll always  
_ _Find me, here in your arms_

She pressed her face against his as she whispered, "I love you, Killian Jones."

And he pulled back, resting his forehead against hers as he spoke just as quietly, "I love you, always and forever."

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words cannot express how emotional I am at the thought of this story ending. What has made the writing process so amazing has been the readers, especially the reviewers who unfailingly post comments on every chapter. Even the repeat guests that do - I wish I could send you personal messages like I do with the others, but nonetheless I noticed and thank you.
> 
> The ending song is "Find Me", an original song by Boyce Avenue who did the cover of "Half of My Heart" - the version that inspired this story. I thought it was both appropriate and fitting that the story end with one of theirs.
> 
> The idea of leaving this story unfinished was never something I contemplated even in the darkest days of my depression. It was my very first creative thing I had ever written and it is my gift to a truly wonderful fandom and the first I have ever been a part of.
> 
> I'm sad to leave my version of Killian and Emma, but I think I gave them some happiness after all they went through.
> 
> I will be writing more, but I do not know what. You're welcome to follow me as an author on here, or just hang around my tumblr (caishakalianah). I'll always be here =)
> 
> And so it is with both happiness and sadness that I mark this story complete.
> 
> Thank you.


End file.
